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Aggressive behaviour

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,843
0
It wears you down bit by bit. I started trying to be understanding but regularly being called awful names, being hit ( if only small toddler type punching out), hair pulls and wrist grabs, and childish insults... you smell/nobody likes you/ you are ugly,/ you have no friends. Even being spat at. @AbbyGee so don't best yourself up too if you sometimes shout back. Only a saint wouldn't react at times! OH just gone into respite care and I can feel the tension still coiled in my body. I suspect long-term one-on-one care can lead to a sort of PTSD.
Btw memantine did help but only up to 10mg level. Over that was detrimental. Different for everyone and OH has Alzheimer's mixed with vascular.
I am so sorry to hear about all this abuse. Please consider residential care. My husband is dead now, but I am indeed still suffering the after effects of living with the abuse and destruction. I am so sorry.
 

Pots and Pans

Registered User
Jan 13, 2020
294
0
I am so sorry to hear about all this abuse. Please consider residential care. My husband is dead now, but I am indeed still suffering the after effects of living with the abuse and destruction. I am so sorry.
Thank you. Yes, respite is agreed but plan is for it to be permanent. Apparently if he disagrees we have to have a best interests meeting and our social worker - met him for first time a fortnight ago - feels his needs so severe she would recommend permanent especially cos of aggression. She will do a capacity assessment whilst in respite. The respite is in a home with EMI so best place and fortunate we could get a room. They are noting incidents, of course ( grabbed a carer and tried to hit a resident with walking stick on first day, plus punched me on face when I left him - in front of manager!) 99 per cent of time fine but can suddenly erupt over very little so hope he settles. Obviously first day he was frightened at being in a new place. And the aggression is why I am aiming for this to be permanent - could handle the rest!
 

Kentish lady

New member
Oct 25, 2019
7
0
70
Kent
My OH went for respite care on 10th DEC when we had a complete crisis. Things went from bad to worse day by day and he was taken to first one Hospital and later to a secure unit . That is where he is now. People are working hard to get him into a care home somewhere near to my home but I think it is going to take a while. It has taken all this time for me to recover and it was only when I spoke to an amazing lady on the Alzheimers phone line that I realised that IT IS NOT MY FAULT and that I REALLY DID do all that I could to look after him and keep him at home. The verbal abuse , the constant lack of sleep and the constant worry of watching him all the time broke me. I know now that the disease took over. The thing I cherish is that he still tells me that he loves me. I am so lucky too to have been told to look at this site. I have found It very helpful and reassuring that I am not the only one going through this nightmare.
 

Pots and Pans

Registered User
Jan 13, 2020
294
0
I find it quite astonishing that so many of us are experiencing levels of abuse that other people would scarcely believe. We will always find reasons and excuses but carry on trying not to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and being so worn down all the time. He had his video consultation with the Memory specialist this morning, I was there but my input was limited as I listened to my PWD being upbeat throughout and putting forward a wonderful view of our life! Luckily I had already given a more accurate account by email but it still astounded me how well he came across! He said he would consider going into respite care as it sounded so good (if only!)
He has been prescribed an antidepressant to hopefully lesson the constant aggression, does anyone know if this is helpful and how long will it take to make a difference? I was told the next step would an antipsychotic drug which could have difficult side effects. Advice would be appreciated please.
Sertraline or similar helps with anxiety - so if aggression coming from anxiety or fear (and our poor loved ones with dementia can get very scared so easily) then it may well help. Could take a few weeks though. Most likely anti-psychotic would be risperidone, which is only trued when other medication but doing the trick. Usually started on very low dose. Did seem to make my OH less aggressive but also impacted his mobility a lot, making it unsafe for him just at home with me. And, may have been coincidence, but he began to be badly incontinent at night at the same time too (this didn't go away when drug stopped) and both the mobility loss and incontinence made him bad- tempered so pretty unproductive for us. No answers, I am afraid. Aggression part of my OH's progression with this disease and I have just taken the step into residential as a result. Which is also tricky as many care homes with dementia seem reluctant to consider someone who is aggressive because of the impact on other residents. So I suspect he will be back on anti- psychotic soon ... but in a setting where staff can cope with knock-on effects.
Do feel great sympathy for you. This illness is horrible enough without adding verbal and physical abuse into the mix. As others will tell you, do be ready to call the police if necessary - they are very understanding, can help defuse a situation and it is logged to social services so more support can be available. Also important to ensure LO has physical checks in case lashing out caused by pain or similar that memory clinic ( focused in cognitive issues) could miss but a GP could pick up.
 

Pots and Pans

Registered User
Jan 13, 2020
294
0
My OH went for respite care on 10th DEC when we had a complete crisis. Things went from bad to worse day by day and he was taken to first one Hospital and later to a secure unit . That is where he is now. People are working hard to get him into a care home somewhere near to my home but I think it is going to take a while. It has taken all this time for me to recover and it was only when I spoke to an amazing lady on the Alzheimers phone line that I realised that IT IS NOT MY FAULT and that I REALLY DID do all that I could to look after him and keep him at home. The verbal abuse , the constant lack of sleep and the constant worry of watching him all the time broke me. I know now that the disease took over. The thing I cherish is that he still tells me that he loves me. I am so lucky too to have been told to look at this site. I have found It very helpful and reassuring that I am not the only one going through this nightmare.
@Kentish lady Totally empathize with this. And NOT our fault. Nor our loved one's. They are taken over by the illness ( my husband's eyes would glaze over and he looked like a stranger). Am constantly amazed at what people on here do manage to cope with... but we all try our best out of love. Sadly, however, the illness will still progress and we reach a point where what we and LO want is outweighed by needs. Then most loving thing we can do is arrange for needs to be met elsewhere. Just starting on this stage and hope we can keep that love more alive while others sort the daily stuff for me. Not sure right now if I should be grieving or relieved . . a mix of both. But I do know, like yourself, that I did my best and none of it my fault . Alzheimer's Society helpline invaluable and I have an adviser from them keeping in touch with me about it now too, so supportive.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
673
0
I used to call it a dementia trance, and I could tell because his voice changed, and it would last maybe 15 mins, maybe an hour, but it was several times a day. I didn’t have a full nights sleep for 5 years, and it took 6 months of him being away, to sleep through the night. I also can’t sleep without the night light on, as he didn’t like the dark. I fully sympathise @Kentish lady and I hope you get somewhere for him soon.
 

Florencefennel

Registered User
Jun 11, 2018
54
0
Sertraline or similar helps with anxiety - so if aggression coming from anxiety or fear (and our poor loved ones with dementia can get very scared so easily) then it may well help. Could take a few weeks though. Most likely anti-psychotic would be risperidone, which is only trued when other medication but doing the trick. Usually started on very low dose. Did seem to make my OH less aggressive but also impacted his mobility a lot, making it unsafe for him just at home with me. And, may have been coincidence, but he began to be badly incontinent at night at the same time too (this didn't go away when drug stopped) and both the mobility loss and incontinence made him bad- tempered so pretty unproductive for us. No answers, I am afraid. Aggression part of my OH's progression with this disease and I have just taken the step into residential as a result. Which is also tricky as many care homes with dementia seem reluctant to consider someone who is aggressive because of the impact on other residents. So I suspect he will be back on anti- psychotic soon ... but in a setting where staff can cope with knock-on effects.
Do feel great sympathy for you. This illness is horrible enough without adding verbal and physical abuse into the mix. As others will tell you, do be ready to call the police if necessary - they are very understanding, can help defuse a situation and it is logged to social services so more support can be available. Also important to ensure LO has physical checks in case lashing out caused by pain or similar that memory clinic ( focused in cognitive issues) could miss but a GP could pick up.
 

Florencefennel

Registered User
Jun 11, 2018
54
0
Thank you for that very helpful reply, Pots and Pans, I will certainly give the sertraline time to have an effect before I resort to the antipsychotic option.
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
212
0
Thank you for that, my PWD has been on Memantine, 20 mgs for almost 12 months, after coming off Donezepil which I felt was causing the aggression. He was calmer for a while but his verbal aggression came back. He has been prescribed Sertraline so I shall wait and see how he reacts to it.
My OH is on 20mg of Memantine and he has not been physically violent since but is constantly verbally abusive and the stress is horrendous. Just today he has told me that he doesn't need to write things down because he can remember, when he forgot to do something he then said that of course he can't remember because he has dementia, and then when I suggested he writes things down he told me there is no point writing things down because he won't remember to read it!! He basically changes the narrative to make out I'm the one who is getting it wrong. The truth is he has no short term memory and I am the emotional punchbag on which he vents his declining capacity. If I won the lottery I would leave, but over the last 10 years he got us into serious debt and my options are limited. It would make little difference to OH if I was looking after him or a carer, there is no kindness or love towards me, just anger and irritation. He can no longer be around the grandchildren because he makes them cry and he is angry and intolerant of our grown up children.
 

Pots and Pans

Registered User
Jan 13, 2020
294
0
@JaxG Oh, do feel for you. This sounds so difficult. And verbal insults have a drip- drip effect, just wearing you down. Do you get any help? Carers assessment can give you funds for a carer one day a week to save your sanity (and for SS means you carry on caring longer as healthier!) Or tell GP you are at carer breakdown and they may push social services to do more. Activity groups helped me a lot. Got out and met others and OH occupied so tired later. But I have had verbal insults, often very childish, for over a year. Know I love my husband, know it's Alzheimer's speaking but ... the insults very personal sometimes and really hard to hear when you simply can't walk away either. So, no answers but huge sympathy and many others here to support you too.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,728
0
Southampton
im really sorry the insults and verbal abuse is still happening. my husband takes the same and although better, there are days when he can be a right **** and nasty but at least they are few and far between. i know support for this type of thing should be treated far more seriously as you in a catch 22 situation. is there anyway you can get respite or at least a few hours for yourself. carers assessment could be a good idea
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
673
0
I am so sorry @JaxG for your situation. My end started last year when he swore at my 3yr old granddaughter and told her to F off, along with me. I couldn’t have her to stay after that, and even now when he is gone, she won’t stay the night with me now. In the end I do feel I chose my family over him, but for me it was the right decision.
 

Belgrave28

Registered User
Apr 16, 2022
12
0
I am so sorry @JaxG for your situation. My end started last year when he swore at my 3yr old granddaughter and told her to F off, along with me. I couldn’t have her to stay after that, and even now when he is gone, she won’t stay the night with me now. In the end I do feel I chose my family over him, but for me it was the right decision.
It’s hard what so many of us have to put up with my husband started again last night tried to put me out but in the end said I could stay in the spare room for one night this morning he came in and told me to leave and never come back I had hoped he would have been calm this morning i went out for a few hours came back now he thinks I’m a new carer. It’s hard having to deal with this I am now anxious you never know when it’s going to start.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
673
0
That’s what so hard @Belgrave28 as it really is a coercive and abusive relationship with someone who doesn’t know they are doing it. If you stay or go, you are destroyed. That’s harsh, but no less true.
 

Shelly99

New member
Jan 22, 2021
6
0
Memantine was a horrible drug for my mother. It made her condition a lot worse, to the extent that my brother who was caring for her at the time was considering shooting himself, he's a licensed gun holder. Thankfully he didn't do that but memantine made mother aggressive, anxious and she didn't sleep. Taking her off that drug made a massive difference.
Totally agree ,my mom was on memantine and made my mom agitation a lot worse mom was hitting out at me before hand and was prescribed this to help. No way it made mom even worse .I was in tears, couldn't cope .Was literally at my wits end. Mom.hss been taken of it now .And prescribed a anti depressant .Think it's trazadone
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
212
0
Thank you for all your kind words, it makes all the difference knowing that I am not alone and there are other people who can understand what it's like, although dementia can affect people in so many different ways. My problem is that OH has been deemed as having capacity and he can be left alone. Because he can still manage the basics - short walks with the dog, a trip to the local shop, or brief conversations with people he meets, much of his mental deterioration is concealed under this veneer of normality. Even I am sometimes surprised by the extent of his decline and confusion when he is faced with different and unfamiliar situations. I think it is because he cannot accept the extent of this deterioration that he is so angry all the time and it is easier to blame me than acknowledge the truth. Social Services told me that they were only there to support my husband, and because he can be left there is no other help. At the moment I am trying to move house to be closer to family but will try and get more help once we are in a new home and area.
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
212
0
I am so sorry @JaxG for your situation. My end started last year when he swore at my 3yr old granddaughter and told her to F off, along with me. I couldn’t have her to stay after that, and even now when he is gone, she won’t stay the night with me now. In the end I do feel I chose my family over him, but for me it was the right decision.
That is terrible @Thethirdmrsc . You definitely did the right thing, we are all surely entitled to some sort of quality of life
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,728
0
Southampton
Thank you for all your kind words, it makes all the difference knowing that I am not alone and there are other people who can understand what it's like, although dementia can affect people in so many different ways. My problem is that OH has been deemed as having capacity and he can be left alone. Because he can still manage the basics - short walks with the dog, a trip to the local shop, or brief conversations with people he meets, much of his mental deterioration is concealed under this veneer of normality. Even I am sometimes surprised by the extent of his decline and confusion when he is faced with different and unfamiliar situations. I think it is because he cannot accept the extent of this deterioration that he is so angry all the time and it is easier to blame me than acknowledge the truth. Social Services told me that they were only there to support my husband, and because he can be left there is no other help. At the moment I am trying to move house to be closer to family but will try and get more help once we are in a new home and area.
this is the problem all the way along that if they have capacity and dont want help, ss will not help you as they are acting on behalf of the PWD which is the same for mental health as well. mine can still go out but as someone housebound, i didnt have that that escape. once you say dementia, doors get slammed shut. im lucky that memantine sorted him out to a great degree but he still gets days when hes a pain but not half as bad.
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
212
0
this is the problem all the way along that if they have capacity and dont want help, ss will not help you as they are acting on behalf of the PWD which is the same for mental health as well. mine can still go out but as someone housebound, i didnt have that that escape. once you say dementia, doors get slammed shut. im lucky that memantine sorted him out to a great degree but he still gets days when hes a pain but not half as bad.
I'm glad things are easier for you now :)
 

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