• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Aggressive behaviour

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,784
0
Southampton
i had no support either. ss were there to offer activities but he said no and as he had capacity it was his choice. mental health were there for him as well and prescribed memantine. it was good he agreed to take them otherwise there would be nothing. most of the domestic abuse charities couldnt support me as im housebound so couldnt go out for support. my husband even told them what he was doing to me and they suggested mindfulness. he told them he couldnt control it but he was supposed to realise in time what was happening and bring him self under control. the last advice i got was you need to leave the room. in other words, the emphasis is on me avoiding him rather than doing anything positive to change his behaviour. they did say as he was aware, then its his fault. i had to even teach them how different dementias present. hopeless
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
3,439
0
High Peak
Wow. I am horrified reading these posts. In particular, SS telling people they will be done for neglect or a doctor saying 'suck it up or leave' as your only choices.

Let's be clear about the law here: social services have 'duty of care' not the wife, partner or daughter. To suggest someone is guilty of neglect because a person with dementia goes wandering is completely unacceptable, especially when violence/possible violence is involved.

Social Services need to provide sufficient care to keep someone safe at home. If that isn't possible, the person needs to be in a care home.

Ask for a new assessment. Ask for a carer's assessment. Because it's NOT all about them - you are entitled to a decent life too. Please don't allow these awful people to continue bullying you - report them, point out they have Duty of Care for a Vulnerable Adult (a phrase that could easily apply to YOU too) and write to your MP. Another possibility is to tell SS that you are at the end of your tether and your mental helath is now at crisis point. Tell them you will be going away for a fortnight (give them dates) to try to recharge your batteries (or invent a family crisis elsewhere with children, etc) and tell them they will have to step up and care for your PWD.
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
212
0
i had no support either. ss were there to offer activities but he said no and as he had capacity it was his choice. mental health were there for him as well and prescribed memantine. it was good he agreed to take them otherwise there would be nothing. most of the domestic abuse charities couldnt support me as im housebound so couldnt go out for support. my husband even told them what he was doing to me and they suggested mindfulness. he told them he couldnt control it but he was supposed to realise in time what was happening and bring him self under control. the last advice i got was you need to leave the room. in other words, the emphasis is on me avoiding him rather than doing anything positive to change his behaviour. they did say as he was aware, then its his fault. i had to even teach them how different dementias present. hopeless
I have exactly the same issue. OH is deemed as having capacity and apparently he is also responsible for his actions. He certainly can sound convincing but has no ability to control his aggression or follow up on any promise he makes. Today he has told me he is going to travel to Birmingham to see his brother (we live in Brighton), that he WILL control his aggression, that he will be more helpful etc. We have been having the same conversations for 5 years and he can do nothing but eat and walk the dog for 20 mins. He can't even recognise where he is when we are half a mile away from home. He can't follow films or conversations that don't revolve around him, he can't tolerate the grandchildren and makes them cry, and is rude to our grown children. This has destroyed not only my life with him, but my family life which was everything to me and i feel that my lifei s over.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,784
0
Southampton
I have exactly the same issue. OH is deemed as having capacity and apparently he is also responsible for his actions. He certainly can sound convincing but has no ability to control his aggression or follow up on any promise he makes. Today he has told me he is going to travel to Birmingham to see his brother (we live in Brighton), that he WILL control his aggression, that he will be more helpful etc. We have been having the same conversations for 5 years and he can do nothing but eat and walk the dog for 20 mins. He can't even recognise where he is when we are half a mile away from home. He can't follow films or conversations that don't revolve around him, he can't tolerate the grandchildren and makes them cry, and is rude to our grown children. This has destroyed not only my life with him, but my family life which was everything to me and i feel that my lifei s over.
im sorry that you have continue to suffer. mental health put him on memantine and it turned him around and now yes he still can order and demand but will accept me telling him when he does it. he says hes unaware he does it.
 

Safi

Registered User
Apr 2, 2020
26
0
Hi@Safi.....medical appointment was hopeless to be honest, g.p.just kept repeating he was not going to give me med for dementia as not his field and will have to speak to early onset Consultant !
What I was actually asking him for was med for depression and anxiety for my husband as we lurch from one extreme to the other neither is easy to deal with so he finally agreed to give my husband mertazapine .....on my goodness what a mistake that was as aggression levels,verbal abuse,spitting in my face were off the charts so have stopped them immediately....
Am so sorry that you too experience the following around the house,can't speak on the phone either and if I go out into garden he locks me out !,I too have been in touch with dementia nurse again and updated her on behavior but....(isn't their always a but! ) she refuses to do a review until results of CT Scan are in which is no help to us now....... CT SCAN was done on Friday 24th and ordered by husbands consultant so hopefully will hear this week ...fingers crossed eh
Great minds think alike Safi.... as I too have been keeping a diary of OH behaviour and most days it's makes scary reading to be honenest and even keeping the diary is proving to be difficult as i have to write it on the quier and keep it hidden.....OH also just wants to "go home " and no longer recognises home as home if that makes sense? So either he
walks the house and goes missing and have to report it to police or we road trip and that was working great but even that's all gone to pot now so either 10 + phone calls to report him missing or 10+ road trips that are no longer effective......
Must admit after 3 years I'm at my wits end and my OH is only 64 but am seriously doubting how much longer this situation can continue and yes I feel terrible for even writing those words down.....
If you don't mind me asking Safi what sort of age is your husband , just wondered as our husbands traits sound similar.....
Apologies for the long reply. ....
Look after yourself
Hi there, my husband is 72 but was diagnosed in his sixties. I’m sorry the mirtazapine didn’t work for him, we started it in small dose, gradually increasing it and it seems to help him sleep at night, most of the time. It’s a bit hit & miss to be honest, but better than nothing I guess? Feel for you and understand how you feel being at witts end! I’m looking into day care or restbite but because of Covid most places have yet to re-start rest bite. It’s so frustrating