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advice please

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,580
0
Southampton
Morning @jennifer1967 , I’m sorry you are having a hard time . Lots of good advice , my fil presents this way too , Mil just goes along with him and it seems to take the fire out of the situation , I agree she shouldn’t have to but it works for them , he is on anti depressants and has been for a long time . Def worth a call to the Gp , good on your son for coming over to give you a break. Hope you can get some sleep in 🤞
thats what im trying to do but he just keeps going. then he says something really hurtful and knocks me down again. ive just woken him up so we will see. he will be in fine form with my son.i will have a bit of a sleep this afternoon when he watches a film. he just doesnt seem to want to calm down at the moment
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,580
0
Southampton
Hi @jennifer1967
Lots of frontal lobe behaviour there that I recognise :(
Although there is no medication for vascular dementia as such, there is medication for the behaviour. In particular there is medication that can calm hypersexuality. Please do contact your GP outlining the problems and emphasising that you are afraid of him. Do also be prepared to phone 999 if he becomes very angry. You are right - defending yourself will only trigger the anger.


What are you afraid might happen? Would the son remove him from your "influence"? Would this be a bad thing?
thank you @canary, im intending to phone the GP although its hard to get through the receptionists in the first place. they guard the doctors.my husband has trust issues due to the treatment of his first 2 wives. my son was brought up by my husband but not actually his so is one step removed from the situation. they will have a laugh and a joke. cant see anything wrong with him. maybe need an increase in his anti-depressants. hes just getting up so we will see.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,580
0
Southampton
Dear @jennifer1967,

I hope things are calmer today. Dad had to have memantine in the end but not all the time?

Hugs

MaNaAk
hes just got up so we will see. doesnt see he has done anything wrong. all my fault and his breathing. apparently just one of those days totally denies everything. has anti-depressant which i suggested needed increased and no he didnt want that either. hes looking for his cup of tea now so better do it. my oldest son is coming over and he will be fine with him
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
1,281
0
Hi @jennifer1967 !

So sorry to hear the latest!

My advice would be to take him to the pet shop and trade part exchange him for another budgie. But that advice is just competing for the most useless advice that talking point can offer.

Deffo support the medication route.

I recently emailed the doctors with a problem. I had a spectacular success with this and had someone call round to the house the same day, but it it may be I just got lucky?
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,580
0
Southampton
Hi @jennifer1967 !

So sorry to hear the latest!

My advice would be to take him to the pet shop and trade part exchange him for another budgie. But that advice is just competing for the most useless advice that talking point can offer.

Deffo support the medication route.

I recently emailed the doctors with a problem. I had a spectacular success with this and had someone call round to the house the same day, but it it may be I just got lucky?
the best suggestion yet!! @Weasell
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,580
0
Southampton
hes got up and its all my fault. im the problem, no surprise there. he has phoned the doctor this morning and said hes losing his temper a lot and may need extra tablets so i respect him for that. they will phone back. it might just calm him down a bit. i cant live being wound up all the time and jumping when he shouts.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,580
0
Southampton
You might try writing a letter as this will be read and then get placed on your husbands file, so the doctor cant miss it.

Dont you just hate Host mode?
i think thats half the problem, they dont see him when he is like this as hes very good at acting like dad and they look at me as all have to do is tell him to stop
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
7,946
0
Essex
i think thats half the problem, they dont see him when he is like this as hes very good at acting like dad and they look at me as all have to do is tell him to stop
He will be on host mode in front of the doctor so I think writing a letter will help. I also think that lockdown has had an effect in that he won't have been able to go out.

MaNaAk
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,802
0
hes got up and its all my fault. im the problem, no surprise there. he has phoned the doctor this morning and said hes losing his temper a lot and may need extra tablets so i respect him for that. they will phone back. it might just calm him down a bit. i cant live being wound up all the time and jumping when he shouts.

Sorry to hear about the problems you've been having. This sounds encouraging. I hope that medication does the trick.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
76,289
0
Kent
Are Community Psychiatric Nurses still available to support carers of people with dementia?

Ours was a godsend and was available to me at all times.

He even became a member of Talking Point and said he learnt more from reading people`s posts than in years of `experience`.

Have those times passed?
 

Aix

Registered User
Apr 27, 2018
11
0
my husband has vascular dementia and is constantly ordering and demanding. hes constantly nagging me to do what he wants. immediately. i need to shorten his jeans so nagged again until i do them. i make sure the house is clean for him and he always has clean clothes. always got what he needs and wants. he explodes when he gets frustrated. tonight he has shouted at me and told me he doesnt want to see me again tonight. i gave him his meds and he was still stroppy. ive left him there. even nagging me about i havent had the jab yet, ive no control over that and his shouting is not going to get it any quicker.
the kids dont see any difference in him. its usually me thats the mad one. he takes the rise out of me and laughs about it. says stupid things then laughs. he can still cook but it doesnt wash things out very well. i have tried to ignore what he says not react but he scares me when he shouts. tonight for the first time in a while, i locked the bathroom door while having a shower. didnt feel safe to leave it unlocked. the other thing he does that i dont know how to handle is that he gropes. i have to go past his chair to go out the front room door and his hands is are outstretched to grab me. we have separate rooms and we dont have a physical relationship as such. we will hug and kiss goodnight but not any further. hes always been short-tempered but this is ongoing every day. i have to jump to commands. he presents like you wouldnt think anything is wrong. it hurts and all i can do is cry which seems to make no difference. we dont have carers and wont as he has capacity to say no. the dementia has exaggerated the temper he already had. any ideas?
Hi Jennifer,
Like my experiences with my husband who has Alzheimer’s in Dementia, you may not have enough time or space to tell your whole story.

If your husband would sign lasting power of attorney you would have a lot more power, but I suspect that like my husband he would not. So that strategy is out of the window.

I am like you, I’ve been abused verbally and sexually, and I do agree with another reply you had, we shouldn’t have to go through that you and I.
thing with our husbands is that there is very little sunshine in our lives when the goodness gets sucked out of us until we are fearful of every step we make, every word we say can be taken the wrong way - as well as our actions.

I understand what you said about you’re “the mad “ one, I’ve called the Police out 3 times since August last year, whilst I was talking to the call handler she heard him shouting and swearing , saying also to her it’s ok everything is ok, I told her that I didn’t want a male officer as he can charm the birds out of the trees.

Calling the Police was the best thing I’ve done since he was diagnosed, because they are an Authority that he cannot cow down or threaten.

Here in Bournemouth the Police are far more educated and understanding than they used to be. A female officer listened to me in a separate room so that I was free to talk about EVERYTHING for near enough an hour they are probably more active on this right now because reports of domestic abuse on the rise.

Everything is now on record officially. I have the recorded incident numbers. Don’t get me wrong , he’s not a reformed character. But personally this was the starting point of breaking away from him.
I love and care about him, he was wonderful before he became ill, a good husband and we’ve been robbed of precious years as we’ve only been together for 10 years. This disease is mean and horrible to both sides.

I never walk out when the **** hits the fan, I take marriage vows seriously.

now for the subject of staying or going and what that would mean for our lives. I love my home, and leaving it would break my heart, even down to my sweet big family of sparrows I feed every day.
Staying does mean that my health has suffered, mentally and physically, I’m thinking that it has for you too, or if not, without support you will, no one can shoulder the kinds of abuse that we are - alone for years without repercussions . You come first Jennifer.

no matter how hard it is, and I’m virtually holding your hand now, you and I have to practice self preservation if we don’t want to stay, by all means stay if you think you can, but don’t be made to feel guilty about “leaving the sinking ship like a rat” ( his words to me ).

I have 2 dogs and 1 cat, which means that my only recourse is apply to the Council for housing. Can we message on here privately between us - if you wish? .
I’m sorry this has been long.
 

Aix

Registered User
Apr 27, 2018
11
0
Sorry to hear about the problems you've been having. This sounds encouraging. I hope that medication does the trick.
That’s contradictory, he’s obviously made it clear to you that it’s your fault, which I feel is not true, but then he ‘phones the Dr to say he’s losing his temper more and needs medication. Does he often say one thing one minute and then the opposite within minutes after?.
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,245
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
morning @margherita and thank you for the hug. ive just cross posted with you. my son is coming over just to give me a break from being the target. im tired out so hopefully he will behave himself which he normally does in front of the kids.
Hi @jennifer1967 , that's a good but temporary solution.
It might sound untimely, but I would suggest you take into consideration other plans, in case the situation gets worse .
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,580
0
Southampton
Hi Jennifer,
Like my experiences with my husband who has Alzheimer’s in Dementia, you may not have enough time or space to tell your whole story.

If your husband would sign lasting power of attorney you would have a lot more power, but I suspect that like my husband he would not. So that strategy is out of the window.

I am like you, I’ve been abused verbally and sexually, and I do agree with another reply you had, we shouldn’t have to go through that you and I.
thing with our husbands is that there is very little sunshine in our lives when the goodness gets sucked out of us until we are fearful of every step we make, every word we say can be taken the wrong way - as well as our actions.

I understand what you said about you’re “the mad “ one, I’ve called the Police out 3 times since August last year, whilst I was talking to the call handler she heard him shouting and swearing , saying also to her it’s ok everything is ok, I told her that I didn’t want a male officer as he can charm the birds out of the trees.

Calling the Police was the best thing I’ve done since he was diagnosed, because they are an Authority that he cannot cow down or threaten.

Here in Bournemouth the Police are far more educated and understanding than they used to be. A female officer listened to me in a separate room so that I was free to talk about EVERYTHING for near enough an hour they are probably more active on this right now because reports of domestic abuse on the rise.

Everything is now on record officially. I have the recorded incident numbers. Don’t get me wrong , he’s not a reformed character. But personally this was the starting point of breaking away from him.
I love and care about him, he was wonderful before he became ill, a good husband and we’ve been robbed of precious years as we’ve only been together for 10 years. This disease is mean and horrible to both sides.

I never walk out when the **** hits the fan, I take marriage vows seriously.

now for the subject of staying or going and what that would mean for our lives. I love my home, and leaving it would break my heart, even down to my sweet big family of sparrows I feed every day.
Staying does mean that my health has suffered, mentally and physically, I’m thinking that it has for you too, or if not, without support you will, no one can shoulder the kinds of abuse that we are - alone for years without repercussions . You come first Jennifer.

no matter how hard it is, and I’m virtually holding your hand now, you and I have to practice self preservation if we don’t want to stay, by all means stay if you think you can, but don’t be made to feel guilty about “leaving the sinking ship like a rat” ( his words to me ).

I have 2 dogs and 1 cat, which means that my only recourse is apply to the Council for housing. Can we message on here privately between us - if you wish? .
I’m sorry this has been long.
thank you @Aix i do have poa for both so can speak to the doctor. he handed me the phone and i put her in the picture exactly. he is having increase in meds and if that dont work then we will think again. you can pm if you think it will help
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,580
0
Southampton
with vascular dementia, some will know, aggression, erupting , shouting, frustration is all part of it. add in that he was like this before, the dementia has exaggerated his bad points and. well the TP team messaged the alz soc dementia navigator lady they i had for a year now. she has phoned and raising a safeguarding of me as a vulnerable adult. she has sent it to the social worker we had to assess his needs. i have graphically explained whats happening, and she has said that its abuse and groping is sexual assault. not that brave to tell him so he doesnt know anything. the gp is increasing his antidepressant although says he doesnt sound depressed. he blamed me this morning but to shut me up, he phoned the GP because i would have if he hadnt.
i didnt want to realize what was happening as i been through it before and want to hold on in any circumstances. im not strong enough and dont want to put him at risk. ironic that one. thank you everyone, for opening my eyes
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,580
0
Southampton
Are Community Psychiatric Nurses still available to support carers of people with dementia?

Ours was a godsend and was available to me at all times.

He even became a member of Talking Point and said he learnt more from reading people`s posts than in years of `experience`.

Have those times passed?
i have actually got a mental health illness and trying to get support is like gold dust. they dont even support me. they are limited what they can do because im a carer and the pain team as well.
 

Angtrog

Registered User
Mar 25, 2020
112
0
I remember it all to well @jennifer1967 the outbursts from my OH ,when it first happened I was taken back he just started on me said I was lazy he had had enough of me wanted me out of the house he was going to sell the house wanted a divorce it was horrible. Nothing had triggered him off he just used to blow up in my face. It is not them its the dementia that makes them like that my OH to had vascular dementia so I know what you are going through. Could it be an infection?, is there not a neighbours house you can go to for a while until he calms down? Always make sure you have a charged up mobile phone on you and if the worse comes to the worse phone the police. Take care
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,580
0
Southampton
I remember it all to well @jennifer1967 the outbursts from my OH ,when it first happened I was taken back he just started on me said I was lazy he had had enough of me wanted me out of the house he was going to sell the house wanted a divorce it was horrible. Nothing had triggered him off he just used to blow up in my face. It is not them its the dementia that makes them like that my OH to had vascular dementia so I know what you are going through. Could it be an infection?, is there not a neighbours house you can go to for a while until he calms down? Always make sure you have a charged up mobile phone on you and if the worse comes to the worse phone the police. Take care
he had a tendency of it before the dementia. the dementia has exaggerated his bad points. im actually shielding as well and havent had my first jab yet as im housebound and it takes longer. i would have to answer 20 questions if i walked out the door and ive not got the strength to be questioned. they are increasing his anti depressants. apparently its the nature of vascular dementia due to the decreasing oxygen supply to the brain