my husband has vascular dementia and is constantly ordering and demanding. hes constantly nagging me to do what he wants. immediately. i need to shorten his jeans so nagged again until i do them. i make sure the house is clean for him and he always has clean clothes. always got what he needs and wants. he explodes when he gets frustrated. tonight he has shouted at me and told me he doesnt want to see me again tonight. i gave him his meds and he was still stroppy. ive left him there. even nagging me about i havent had the jab yet, ive no control over that and his shouting is not going to get it any quicker.
the kids dont see any difference in him. its usually me thats the mad one. he takes the rise out of me and laughs about it. says stupid things then laughs. he can still cook but it doesnt wash things out very well. i have tried to ignore what he says not react but he scares me when he shouts. tonight for the first time in a while, i locked the bathroom door while having a shower. didnt feel safe to leave it unlocked. the other thing he does that i dont know how to handle is that he gropes. i have to go past his chair to go out the front room door and his hands is are outstretched to grab me. we have separate rooms and we dont have a physical relationship as such. we will hug and kiss goodnight but not any further. hes always been short-tempered but this is ongoing every day. i have to jump to commands. he presents like you wouldnt think anything is wrong. it hurts and all i can do is cry which seems to make no difference. we dont have carers and wont as he has capacity to say no. the dementia has exaggerated the temper he already had. any ideas?
Hi Jennifer,
Like my experiences with my husband who has Alzheimer’s in Dementia, you may not have enough time or space to tell your whole story.
If your husband would sign lasting power of attorney you would have a lot more power, but I suspect that like my husband he would not. So that strategy is out of the window.
I am like you, I’ve been abused verbally and sexually, and I do agree with another reply you had, we shouldn’t have to go through that you and I.
thing with our husbands is that there is very little sunshine in our lives when the goodness gets sucked out of us until we are fearful of every step we make, every word we say can be taken the wrong way - as well as our actions.
I understand what you said about you’re “the mad “ one, I’ve called the Police out 3 times since August last year, whilst I was talking to the call handler she heard him shouting and swearing , saying also to her it’s ok everything is ok, I told her that I didn’t want a male officer as he can charm the birds out of the trees.
Calling the Police was the best thing I’ve done since he was diagnosed, because they are an Authority that he cannot cow down or threaten.
Here in Bournemouth the Police are far more educated and understanding than they used to be. A female officer listened to me in a separate room so that I was free to talk about EVERYTHING for near enough an hour they are probably more active on this right now because reports of domestic abuse on the rise.
Everything is now on record officially. I have the recorded incident numbers. Don’t get me wrong , he’s not a reformed character. But personally this was the starting point of breaking away from him.
I love and care about him, he was wonderful before he became ill, a good husband and we’ve been robbed of precious years as we’ve only been together for 10 years. This disease is mean and horrible to both sides.
I never walk out when the **** hits the fan, I take marriage vows seriously.
now for the subject of staying or going and what that would mean for our lives. I love my home, and leaving it would break my heart, even down to my sweet big family of sparrows I feed every day.
Staying does mean that my health has suffered, mentally and physically, I’m thinking that it has for you too, or if not, without support you will, no one can shoulder the kinds of abuse that we are - alone for years without repercussions . You come first Jennifer.
no matter how hard it is, and I’m virtually holding your hand now, you and I have to practice self preservation if we don’t want to stay, by all means stay if you think you can, but don’t be made to feel guilty about “leaving the sinking ship like a rat” ( his words to me ).
I have 2 dogs and 1 cat, which means that my only recourse is apply to the Council for housing. Can we message on here privately between us - if you wish? .
I’m sorry this has been long.