A lifelong friend and me

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
731
Bedford
Glad to hear what appears to be a positive step. Hope all goes well tomorrow. It is a shame you missed your niece’s wedding though
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,259
North West
Well today is the day, and part of me feels relief, but another part of me feels dread. I only know looking at mum now that this is the right thing to do. She's had four good years at home since dad died and thats more than many people get with this disease. I feel sad and as if I am about to abandon her but I can't go any further as her main carer on this journey, I have to hand that over now to a team of people.

Butterflies in my stomach and I'm getting quite nervous
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
3,767
Nottinghamshire
I hope it goes well @Palerider

You are not abandoning your mum!

It was difficult for me at first when I realised my dad needed to be in a carehome to be safe, but it was a massive relief not to have all that responsibility.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,337
Kent
So many of us know how you feel @Palerider. All the logic in the world doesn`t help the emotional trauma but we do what we do because we cannot see another solution.

I hope your mum settles well and having her cared for by a team gives you space for yourself and time with your mother which isn`t fraught with anxiety.
 

Woohoo

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
664
South East
Thinking of you both , you have not abandoned her you are doing what is best for her with your heart full of love and kindness. We can all see that. Be gentle with you . X
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,278
South coast
Thinking of you @Palerider and hope the move goes well.

I agree with others - this is not abandonment - this is sharing the care. You will still be there for her, its just that it will be different. You will be her advocate, defender, her voice when she has none. You will be checking her care, liaising with staff, finding out what is happening, bringing problems to their attension and then sorting out with then how to resolve them. You will be checking clothes and toiletries and buying new stuff, will bring in treats, take her out for jaunts and become her son again.


xxx
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,259
North West
Well the CH manager has been and what a fab lady, she's assessed mum for an hour and is happy to accept her. One drawback there's a que to get in, they won't be able to take mum until next Tuesday -so I have agreed this. The home itself has a good CQC rating and mum will still have her own GP which works our well as she is fab.

Mum was just herself no hostess mode and I was glad the manager could see mum how she really is.

I'm glad that stage is over, another wait unfortuately, but I'm feeling better now
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
830
That is good news @Palerider. Next Tuesday isn't too far away, when I saw the word queue I thought it was going to be the New Year.
 

Woohoo

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
664
South East
So glad assesment done and you feel happy withe the manager and home . Tuesday will soon be here , I guess you will be busy labelling and sorting bits out .
Pleased to hear you are feeling a little better now . Take care.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,278
South coast
Im glad today went well. You will find that Tuesday will come very quickly.

Make sure you label absolutely everything
xx
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,460
Thinking of you @Palerider and hope the move goes well.

I agree with others - this is not abandonment - this is sharing the care. You will still be there for her, its just that it will be different. You will be her advocate, defender, her voice when she has none. You will be checking her care, liaising with staff, finding out what is happening, bringing problems to their attension and then sorting out with then how to resolve them. You will be checking clothes and toiletries and buying new stuff, will bring in treats, take her out for jaunts and become her son again.


xxx
ditto the above! Life is fluid & this is just another part of it. I broke my heart when Dad went into the home! He had Male company again & could have a tot of whiskey every night to swish his tablets down with, it was fine & I got to be his daughter again. We all have difficult experiences ahead but trying to make the best memories & having fun with our PWD is as important as the day to day caring aspect. It’s time for you to have the fun bit, spoiling your Mum lots of treats etc.

My Mum still love it when I buy her clothes, I don’t do the usual old lady pastels but bright bold colours & scarves to accessorise. Sainsbury’s have a great clothing range that has every couple of weeks new items added to it. It’s amazing how easily the little things make a difference.

For you it’s going to be a big adjustment, but your Mum couldn’t have asked for a more loving son, you are inspirational & hats off to you I couldn’t do what you have done. My Mum & I are only now building the mother daughter relationship I have always craved.

Be kind to yourself (((((((hugs)))))))))
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
731
Bedford
Brilliant news - so pleased and glad that you are feeling better. It is good that you liked the care home manager and the home has a good rating. Tuesday is not far away and you may need that time to organise and label. I am sure it will pass quickly
 

Starbright

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
462
Great news @Palerider and lovely that you both liked the care home manager.... no doubt you have quite a lot of labelling etc to do and Tuesday not that far away ..take care A x
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
474
Yorkshire
Glad today went well. Good that your mum was her usual self and so care home manager saw real her and that you and mum liked and feel comfortable with her. Hope your mum settles in well on Tuesday X
P.s whats the labelling thing about?
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
320
Roll on Tuesday! We can have that lunch soon then!

I'm a bit frustrated at the moment with the lack of understanding of dementia by my mums LA - a trivial matter about assisted bin collections!

Mum has also just been turned down for a Blue Badge as the current guidelines which her LA are using do not reflect the recent changes to include people with mental disabilities. I had composed a cracking letter to send to her MP but with the current dissolvement of Parliament, she does not have an MP to send it to! But if anyone thinks I will just accept the decision, they are mistaken! Before I am finished, my name will be well known!
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,460
Roll on Tuesday! We can have that lunch soon then!

I'm a bit frustrated at the moment with the lack of understanding of dementia by my mums LA - a trivial matter about assisted bin collections!

Mum has also just been turned down for a Blue Badge as the current guidelines which her LA are using do not reflect the recent changes to include people with mental disabilities. I had composed a cracking letter to send to her MP but with the current dissolvement of Parliament, she does not have an MP to send it to! But if anyone thinks I will just accept the decision, they are mistaken! Before I am finished, my name will be well known!
If Mum has a diagnosis, Attendance Allowance etc then assisted bin collections come under that remit. I’ve just sorted out Mums bin collections.

As for the Blue Badge system, you can contest it. I did when PIP changed the goal posts & I lost my high rate of mobility to nothing! You just ring up & say to the council you don’t agree with the decision & it gets reviews by an O/T.

My O/T just rang up & said oh for goodness sake! No problems! Blue Badge authorised. I have accute M.E so without a blue badge my infrequent trips out are almost impossible at times.