Tonight I actually snapped

[Dave K]

My wife is distraught, I am distraught (in different ways)

She is scared and confused, I am angry and emotional

I can not do anything this evening, for the sake of her feelings

I will have to put my life on hold for now as a husband or wife should

I will ring social services in the morning, I promise, not only for her but for my well being

I have suffered a great deal over the past 2 years and am sure that 1 more night will not hurt me

I fell really sorry for my understanding Son, he came home with his girlfriend and immediately wanted to show my is toy helicopter that his girlfriend bought him for his birthday but my wife could not leave them alone, I felt angry, my Son felt "its all happening again to my Dad" and his girlfriend felt awkward

Son was in a 3 piece suit for the first time ever, girlfriend looked spectacular and all they wanted was for me to take a few photos of them looking their best, no matter how I said to OH to leave the kids 20 / 23 alone (don't spoil the moment) it was all about her, her needs, her anguish and wanted to be the center of attention.

I will call SS in the morning and say that I need help, obviously family members can not cope for more than 2 days but I have had to put up with this for years

Oh yes, nearly forgot, I will post the text messages (exactly as written) that I received this afternoon from my wife's daughter, let me bring them up and write them word for word, will take me about 20 minutes or so

 

[AlsoConfused]

Dave, I'll add my voice to the others ....

The way things are going, you either get immediate short-term respite for your wife (eg 2 - 3 weeks) or you won't be able to look after her for some time.

Your wife may be back in the house but until she's been moved into emergency respite care you mustn't be, however hard it is to leave a vulnerable person on her own for a short while. It's the lowest risk option for you both to leave your wife on her own for 45 minutes or so until the Duty Officer (or whoever) can "rescue" her.

If you stay with her now, you may crack; as well as being awful for you the likely consequence is that your wife would be left on her own for a lot longer than 45 minutes.

Please collect your mobile, enough money and essentials for overnight accommodation and the numbers you'll need. Tell your wife you're taking Zeus for a walk (somewhere you know she won't want to go) and leave. Contact the Duty Officer, the police etc to say you're suicidal, not capable of looking after your (vulnerable) wife for the foreseeable future and they must organise immediate care for her.

 

[Sue J]

Dear Dave

You know what you and your wife can cope with tonight. I'm sorry your son's birthday excitement has been upset and for what you are all going through.

You will ring in the morning and get something sorted, I know you will because you know it has to be.

Still holding out for you that things will get sorted.
Best
Sue

 

[Wolfsgirl]

All you can do is to do your best for you both - not tonight but tomorrow when you are feeling less emotional (although you deserve to feel emotional). Please just accept tonight as it is too late for anything else, relax as much as you can and re armour your weapons for fighting another day.

So sorry - you should not have to fight for a little bit of peace x

 

[Dazmum]

All you can do is to do your best for you both - not tonight but tomorrow when you are feeling less emotional (although you deserve to feel emotional). Please just accept tonight as it is too late for anything else, relax as much as you can and re armour your weapons for fighting another day.

So sorry - you should not have to fight for a little bit of peace x

Agree with Wolfsgirl. I am so sorry this has happened Dave, and for your son too. I can believe that they wouldn't cope for just five days to give you a break here's a hug, and you're still Mega man.

 

[Lilian&Dave]

Sorry things have got to such a pitch, last week I felt just the same as you are now. I phoned SS and said I just can't cope any more, also told his mental health nurse the same and later that same day they sent a social worker and two doctors who assessed him as at crisis level and sectioned him for up to 28 days whilst they assess him. Sorry to say they have already suggested I will not be able to cope with him and he will probably go into care. You must say the magic words " I can't cope any more" before they will respond. Good luck you must take care of yourself and a few days on your own with your dog will recharge your batteries and give you a different outlook on this trial we are all going through

 

[Dave K]

Here is what I received at 5:45pm this afternoon

(I knew that wife's daughter was going into hospital for a very minor operation today)



Text from wife's Daughter's husband:

It "***" (his name) "********" (daughters name) husband tried calling you but you rejected the call can you pick your wife up tonight as I am just picking "********" (daughters name) up from hospital after her op it hasn't gone well as she has needed to have help breathing after the op so she cannot cope with her mum right now

Text me back and let me know what you are doing if not will assume that you have not received this and will pop through and see you tonight

Thanks in advance

(****) his name



I replied with:

I can not pick her up no ca. David's got it. She can not come home. Social Services does not want her here. If you can not do what I have done for 2 years please call 999 or let me know and I will contact emergency social services


I replied with:

I am calling 999but I do not have your address or Postcode.


Text from wife's Daughter's husband:

Ok if that's the way you feel Glad to know you value your step daughters health know where I stand now


I replied with:

Give me your address and Postcode


Text from wife's Daughter's husband:

Why have you not asked you to so don't asked you to help you don't want I will sort it out

(Yep not my spelling or grammar, no idea what he was saying)


Text from wife's Daughter's husband:

You doing that will just make "********" (daughters name) worse so don't do it


I replied with:

You going to give me the address or what. I cannot do anything without it. Tried calling "*****" (wife's Son, also in denial) to take her to his house but is not answering.


I replied with:

Well at least I know where I stand



Text from wife's Daughter's husband:

You do

=============================================

Absolutely no one is on board with this but they will all crucify me if I put my wife in a care home

To tell you all the truth, I may e-mail all of them the link to this topic just so they can see what I have gone through and what they have ignored as reality

Step Dad's what the *** (I did the **** by the way) does he know


Edit:

Just as wife was picked up by my neighbour but not arrived home my wif's daughter called and said "Dave can I explain..." I never listened to another word, rightly or wrongly I told her to **** off (yep my **** again) and don't call me again

 

[SoyHJ]

I'm glad you promise to start phoning in the morning. A couple of days care was too much and yet you have cared with compassion for god knows how long. I'm so sorry about your son's birthday ending like this but, as you and he realise - unlike others in your family - something has to be done and nobody will think badly of you. If you break down again, it doesn't matter in the slightest, it only goes to show what strain you are under. I hope your wife has a reasonably settled night and I'll be thinking about you. H x

 

[Tin]

My wife is distraught, I am distraught (in different ways)

She is scared and confused, I am angry and emotional

I can not do anything this evening, for the sake of her feelings

I will have to put my life on hold for now as a husband or wife should

I will ring social services in the morning, I promise, not only for her but for my well being

I have suffered a great deal over the past 2 years and am sure that 1 more night will not hurt me

I fell really sorry for my understanding Son, he came home with his girlfriend and immediately wanted to show my is toy helicopter that his girlfriend bought him for his birthday but my wife could not leave them alone, I felt angry, my Son felt "its all happening again to my Dad" and his girlfriend felt awkward

Son was in a 3 piece suit for the first time ever, girlfriend looked spectacular and all they wanted was for me to take a few photos of them looking their best, no matter how I said to OH to leave the kids 20 / 23 alone (don't spoil the moment) it was all about her, her needs, her anguish and wanted to be the center of attention.

I will call SS in the morning and say that I need help, obviously family members can not cope for more than 2 days but I have had to put up with this for years

Oh yes, nearly forgot, I will post the text messages (exactly as written) that I received this afternoon from my wife's daughter, let me bring them up and write them word for word, will take me about 20 minutes or so

blimey dave! just caught up on your thread, you're definitely caught between a rock and a hard place. I can't believe your still standing.

 

[Dave K]

I have had enough of family, tried my best, failed, now I am on my own (again)

Wife's sat in main room watching football absolutely none the wiser

Coming out every 5 minutes asking me if she can cook for me.......................

She has not cooked for 2 years or more

 

[SoyHJ]

Back again. Ok, we appreciate that step daughter had a health problem at that particular time. The obvious question is , what about you and your wife's health?!

Dave, if your wife has to go into care, it will be because you are doing your absolute best for her as you always have. You say they'll crucify you, listen to me, the only important issue is you and your wife and not being able to cope as things stand.

As you said, you 'rightly or wrongly' replied to the latest call in the way you did! Nobody should judge you. You are under enormous, unbelievable strain which cannot go on. You HAVEN'T failed. You did your best all round with the family and if they can't deal with the situation that's their problem. H x

PS. I know you feel on your own now and I know how that feels..to want support, moral or practical, from the family. If it doesn't appear it just adds to how overwhelmed you feel but, even though people on here may not be there in person to support you, know that you always have lots of people on here who care about you. Why else would we all keep checking in to see how you're doing?!

 

[Dave K]

I apologise for replying to my posts but I am using TP to document my feelings so family can see what I am going through as well as helping others that find themselves, sadly in the same boat.

So may times this evening the wife has said that she needs to call her kids, she wont have anything to say which is properly the reason they never pick up so I made a choice

Her phone is broke, busted, never will work again, it isn't but that is what I have told here

Just hiding the phone will not do, so I have re-set the phone to factory settings (it's only 2 weeks old) and put it in a place that she can not find it, but if she does then nothing will work

I absolutely hate taking her phone off her but to be honest I had too, so no more phone calls for my wife and I have a brand new phone collecting dust

Tell me if I am bad to do this

 

[Raggedrobin]

I guess landing your wife on the daughter unexpectedly was bound to be tricky. To be fair, it just sounds like her hubby is just trying to protect his wife, who he sees as vulnerable and maybe you don't know some details about her minor op or how she feels, it may be something more serious.

So it doesn't mean the daughter doesn't care, its just that they may be having their own little mini crisis and genuinely can't cope right now. Getting her to care more for her mum means having a reasoned conversation when you are both calm, not now.

I can understand that you took your wife back tonight, in all this we have to remember she is suffering and struggling and probably felt very insecure not being at home. Again, doing that sort of thing in a longer term way takes time for her to adapt to.

But indeed, I agree with everyone, ring emergency social services in the morning and try to be very clear about what you want to have happen. Remember due to costs they will always hope to keep the status quo, but that doesn't work for you now. Good luck. Xxx

 

[garnuft]

Am I misunderstanding here? Her daughter has been in hospital having an operation?

 

[Dave K]

I guess landing your wife on the daughter unexpectedly was bound to be tricky. To be fair, it just sounds like her hubby is just trying to protect his wife, who he sees as vulnerable and maybe you don't know some details about her minor op or how she feels, it may be something more serious.

So it doesn't mean the daughter doesn't care, its just that they may be having their own little mini crisis and genuinely can't cope right now. Getting her to care more for her mum means having a reasoned conversation when you are both calm, not now.

I can understand that you took your wife back tonight, in all this we have to remember she is suffering and struggling and probably felt very insecure not being at home. Again, doing that sort of thing in a longer term way takes time for her to adapt to.

But indeed, I agree with everyone, ring emergency social services in the morning and try to be very clear about what you want to have happen. Remember due to costs they will always hope to keep the status quo, but that doesn't work for you now. Good luck. Xxx

This has been something that has been gritting away at me for a few years

Wife's daughters husband does NOT DO families, even at Christmas the little **** sits outside in his car, on the road while daughter-in-law delivers the presents, this is not normal to me, I'm sorry, but it is not

I DO NOT DO FAMILIES - PLEASE..... Proved that today didn't he

I think the small op was on a wrist. Come ON.....

I helped said daughter-in-law many times before she married into money, lent money to her(never got it back), sorted out finances, wrote letters to her debtors, all is forgotten now.....

Now I have to rely on neighbours that my wife slags off all the time...

 

[garnuft]

If you can't continue to care for your wife, who must be feeling very confused and upset too, Google your local emergency Social Services Dept. and ring them...they will come out and take your wife to a place of care if they judge it to be necessary.

 

[Dave K]

Am I misunderstanding here? Her daughter has been in hospital having an operation?

No she went in today for a minor cut and stitch to her wrist I

Last night she was at home, this afternoon she was at home so nothing major

On the 4th July I am supposed to have a wisdom tooth taken out but I am sure I could handle looking after a relative with a problem afterwards

Operations are not always a big deal unless you want them to be

 

[Raggedrobin]

I don't agree, people vary in their responses to operations. I think you have compassion fatigue, which is quite understandable, but I think you need to recognise you may not be judging things very rationally right now.
But I would just back off from them for now, it may not be a good thing to burn your bridges. but the help you need sounds like it is going to have to come from outside the family, not within it.

 

[Raggedrobin]

oh and by the way you are meant to take things easy for at least the rest of the day and a couple of days after having a wisdom tooth out, so maybe its time to start caring for yourself properly on that front.

 

[garnuft]

I wonder if you have read this thread.

None of us can adhere to it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week but it helps to understand that we are dealing with a progressive brain disease and not a person who chooses this way of life.

Hope this helps.

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired