Coming to terms with the loss of my Mum (97).

[patilo33]

Hi Marcelle,
Having lost our mums at about the same time I feel that we are at the same stages in the 'after death'. My feelings are similar to yours. As i am attending a course at York college i would dearly love to meet up with you. That's if we don't cry buckets! If it is something that appeals to
you, please get in touch. I was able to send a private message a long time ago but cannot find this facility now. Maybe it's been removed.

 

[Marcelle123]

Thank you, @patilo33 - it puzzles me a bit too, the new set up, but I have sent you something called 'start a conversation' which may turn out to be the same as messaging.
(It is described as a 'pm' in the Frequently Asked Questions, so here's hoping! )

I feel so sad when I read of so many of us having to come to terms with the loss of parents and spouses and other loved ones. Talking Point is so helpful.

And so sad too to read of the ordeals that people are going through, trying to help their loved ones who have dementia.

Wishing you all the best,
Marcelle xx
.

 

[Marcelle123]

We went up to York - where I grew up - to look at the various villages round about, as we want to move there, and houses in York are a bit too expensive for us. We had a wonderful time, though very tiring. I thought of Mum often - with a lurch of sadness, as my brain reminded me that she was gone. I thought of some childhood incidents, but it seemed a long time ago. I often felt sad - but when I got back to my home in seaside Norfolk, I found that I was feeling a little better, and more accepting of my loss.
It seems to have broken the pattern a little, so that I no longer look at Mum's old house nearby and for a moment think that she's there, as I have been doing.

I can definitely recommend going away for a while as therapy for grief.

 

[Grannie G]

Well done @Marcelle123

Good to hear your trip away was both nostalgic and therapeutic.

 

[Marcelle123]

Another stage in the journey. The stone I ordered for Mum is finished and is in place over my parents' grave in Derbyshire. I am pleased with the way it came out and that I was able to organise everything at a distance. It made me feel quite emotional to see the photo my sister took of it. (She lives much nearer than me.)

We'll be stopping by to look at it on our way up for a weekend in Swaledale, later on this month.

Now all that remains of the 'admin' is for our legal representative to distribute Mum's legacies to her six children. I must admit, I long for that to be done, because matters of business always worry me and for years now I've been the person who had to deal with it all out of my brothers and sisters. I want to feel that I've done my bit and I can just think about the personal things with Mum.

The money will be useful in helping us to move, but how I wish Mum had lived long enough to spend it all - she was in a home which had a 'council' wing, and gradually they'd have taken over the funding.
Mum was lucky to get to 97, and she had a good final year in the Care Home, but in the afternoons, when I make myself a cup of tea, I think sadly of how I used to have the tea with Mum, reading from her memory books, or wheeling her round the Care Home gardens - she always loved plants so much.

 

[Marcelle123]

Oh hurray! - all the legal business is over at last and Mum's legacies have been distributed to her six children - I got the final news of that today. I am so relieved! I feel that now I can truly start to think of and remember Mum without all that worry getting in the way.

This afternoon, after putting the lawn mower away, I noticed a bag in the shed, opened it, and discovered Mum's pretty hand-painted flowerpot that I remember so well. I must have put it there 'for the moment' a year ago when I was clearing Mum's bungalow to be sold. I've washed it and put it on my kitchen windowsill and I'll get a geranium ('pelargonium'), Mum's favourite pot plant, to put in it.

Early this morning, when I was lying in bed worrying about my elder brother not getting the letter from the solicitor, I asked Mum for help. Good news, in that for the first time my mind really felt that she hasn't left the universe - she is still there, and one day, please God, I will see her again.

 

[Marcelle123]

We're off to York again, to look round some properties so we have an idea of what to expect. We've been painting the house and trying to declutter - we hope to put our house in Norfolk up for sale in June. It will be a hassle, but it is exciting too.

Having this project is definitely helping me to come to terms with the loss of Mum. I am still feeling very sad, and I often find myself reliving the horrible moments of Mum ill, confused, accusing - once in a dream, which was nasty and haunting. I still often miss the old Mum and wish she was here to talk to.

But what has changed is that I no longer feel surprised by Mum's death. My brain is coming to accept it as a reality - even though I still feel shocked by the separation and the fact ot death.

 

[Scouts girl]

Mum was lucky to get to 97, and she had a good final year in the Care Home, but in the afternoons, when I make myself a cup of tea, I think sadly of how I used to have the tea with Mum, reading from her memory books, or wheeling her round the Care Home gardens - she always loved plants so much.

Hi Marcelle
Oh how I agree with what you say. I miss my mum terribly and like you, visiting mum in the afternoons, having tea and cake, also looking at the memory book I made for her, and spending time in the care Home garden with her bring back sad memories but wish I could turn the clock back and just spend another day with her.

 

[Marcelle123]

Thanks for your post, @Scouts girl - I wish I could talk to Mum and tell her about the changes we're planning in our life. Well, in my mind, I do talk to her, and I hope she can hear me. Like you, I wish I could have back one of those visits. We will always miss our Mums, I'm supposing. xx

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We came back from York - very tired, but happy that we're making the right decision to move there. I remembered so much from my childhood - for example, when we were looking round the streets near a house that was up for sale, I discovered a path leading to a field covered with hawthorn bushes in full blossom and the long grass full of cow parsley. We had a field like that at the bottom of our road when I was a little girl, and the strange and astringent smell of the may blossom and cow parsley brought it all back.

On the way home, we called in at the cemetery in Derbyshire where Mum's ashes and those of my father are buried and took a look at the slab that I designed and ordered. It was very nice, though covered with bird droppings - it lies under a willow tree - but I managed to clean it up before laying some flowers and saying some prayers.

I had found a couple of packets of seeds - Virginia Stock and Limnanthes or Poached Egg Plant - in Mum's house last year, which she must have bought (she was a passionate gardener) and which were still in date. I sowed them at the sides of the slab in the bit which belongs to the grave. It's very unlikely they'll come to anything without regular watering in the initial stages, but the action felt good.

It was sad to see the grave, but it did also help a bit to have a focus. I shall try to visit at least once a year - it's about 70 miles from York, so will be nearer to us once we've moved from Norfolk.

We're hoping to put our own house up for sale in about ten days time, once we've made it look its best and cleaned it to within an inch of its life.

 

[Marcelle123]

 

[Marcelle123]

^^^^
My mother once said that she liked the combination of yellow and blue in the garden, and so my younger sister chose a bouquet in those colours for the interment of Mum's ashes in Derbyshire.

I said to both my sisters that I'd plant some yellow and blue bedding this year in honour and remembrance of Mum, and they said they'd do the same.

This is the big pot outside our front door that I planted - it contains yellow osteospermum, marguerites (Mum's name was Margaret and she always loved daisy-flowers), blue cinerarea, campanula, lobelia and some yellow African marigolds.

The campanula and lobelia have yet to flower, but hopefully it will be a good summer.

It does my heart good to see the pot full of flowers, and I hope that somehow Mum can see it too.

 

[Marcelle123]

Our house went up for sale today, and we got the first viewers this afternoon. I'm actually quite relieved they didn't make us an offer, as we have a lot of things planned for the summer, and at present I'm suffering from an ear infection, so a lot of stress and the possibility of having to dash up to York to view properties wouldn't be ideal at this time.

Still - we've set our feet on the new road.

 

[Marcelle123]

Mum used to live in my street but spent the last year of her life in a care home. She died eight months ago. In the first few months, what I remembered was the care home - it would get to that time of day, three o'clock, when I visited her and we had tea together, and I'd feel sad that I wouldn't be going any more.

But just recently, when I've been out and about, I've seen an old lady walking along and for a moment my brain has thought it's Mum, coming back from the shop or her friend's, as she used to do.

It's a painful sad moment but I'm hoping it's the start of a new phase - people on TP do say that the memories of illness and death are all one has at first, but then the good memories surface. And last night, I dreamed of seeing Mum when she was much younger.

I hope this is the start of being able to come to terms with my loss, and feeling a gentler, less searing sorrow.

 

[stanleypj]

I hope this does turn out to be the beginning of a coming to terms with your loss Marcelle. From my own experience and from what I've read on TP, the new journey you start when your loved one passes is usually a very long one.

 

[Marcelle123]

I hope this does turn out to be the beginning of a coming to terms with your loss Marcelle. From my own experience and from what I've read on TP, the new journey you start when your loved one passes is usually a very long one.

Thank you, @stanleypj - You are right.

I know that it will be a very long time (if ever) before I come to terms with my loss in any complete way.

I was just hoping that the pain would start to be a bit less acute.

 

[Marcelle123]

It's the first anniversary of Mum's death today.
I'm still devastated and I am missing her so much.

Rest in peace, Mum - I hope to see you in heaven. xxxxxxx

 

[nellbelles]

Mum is at peace and I’m sure she would want you to be at peace with her passing.. (((HUGS)))

 

[DrTerri]

It's over three weeks now since my mother died at her care home, after being discharged from hospital with untreatable pneumonia and 'terminal dementia' - I quote from the hospital notes.

We'll be having the funeral this Thursday - a requiem mass followed by a committal service at the crematorium and a sympathy buffet at a local hotel.

Later on I'll have to organise a service for the interment of my mother's ashes with my father's in the East Midlands town we used to live in.

I am sleeping better now, but still feeling heavy-hearted and at times of emotion, such as going to church or talking over the phone to a relative, I feel faint and weak. It seems a bit less unreal now, but I am still worrying that something will go wrong with the arrangements I've made.

Altogether, this period feels like limbo, and I'll be glad when it's all sorted out.

I'm starting this thread for two reasons - firstly, because it helps me to post, and if anyone is kind enough to respond, that is great too. And secondly because I've learned a lot by reading of the experiences of others, so who knows - this might help someone in the future.

I lost my mom a year and a half ago, and I pretty much spent the whole first year in a daze. The last months, it is getting better. I think of her all of the time, but at least I have stopped sobbing uncontrollably most days. When my mother passed, someone gave me a card about how God gives us the gift of time. That is just what is takes -- time.

 

[LynneMcV]

It's the first anniversary of Mum's death today.
I'm still devastated and I am missing her so much.

Rest in peace, Mum - I hope to see you in heaven. xxxxxxx

Thinking of you @Marcelle123 - the loss is great. Wishing you strength xx

 

[Marcelle123]

Thank you very much, @nellbelles, @DrTerri & @LynneMcV - I do appreciate your kind posts. xx