Coming to terms with the loss of my Mum (97).

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
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Yorkshire
Thank you very much for your kind posts, Tilly Cat, Scouts girl & malengwa.
I find it so helpful, reading of others' experiences, though I am sorry that we are all in this boat of having lost a loved parent.

I had an awful night, waking at 3.am and unable to get back off till gone six. John has just taken the car out now to take my elder sister & her daughter & grand-daughter from their seafront hotel to the railway station for their long train journey south. My sister rang me this morning - she also had a disturbed night, waking at 4.30 and unable to sleep after that. The other two 'girls' slept badly too. But the fog has lifted today and the sun is shining over the sea - literally, and metaphorically. A new day...

It was lovely to see our big family again - six brothers and sisters, with spouses & some of The Next Generation - but also very unsettling. I totally agree that it's a strange place for the mind to be in, and surreal too. I am going into married-hermit mode this weekend to try and recuperate a little. Nothing at all will be happening on the Organisational Front until next week. :)
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,270
0
East Midlands
Thank you, Kikki - that is so nice of you.
I'm just back after the requiem mass, cremation service and finally the sympathy buffet. There were no serious hitches and all went well. Shattered now, but no need to worry for a while.

Dear spouse is just making me a restorative mug of soup but I hope to be back online later to look at the threads - I hope you & your Mum are getting on okay?
Sending best wishes 'till I return'. xx

Aww your hubby sounds lovely & i’m so glad everything went well for you.
This reminds me that I must update my cousin G with the latest news with my mum. I doubt whether we can visit her today as my fiancé has had to go to North London & won’t be back till later.
I’m still preparing for my event on Sunday & it is slow going! I am doing half today & half tomorrow. I feel a bit under the weather today, feel a bit sick & light headed so taking it as easy as I can. Lots of breaks!
You are right to take it easy & rest as much as possible xx
 

Marcelle123

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Nov 9, 2015
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Yorkshire
Aww your hubby sounds lovely & i’m so glad everything went well for you.
This reminds me that I must update my cousin G with the latest news with my mum. I doubt whether we can visit her today as my fiancé has had to go to North London & won’t be back till later.
I’m still preparing for my event on Sunday & it is slow going! I am doing half today & half tomorrow. I feel a bit under the weather today, feel a bit sick & light headed so taking it as easy as I can. Lots of breaks!
You are right to take it easy & rest as much as possible xx

Thank you, Kikki.
Hope you have a good weekend - good luck for Sunday. xx
 

Prudence9

Registered User
Oct 8, 2016
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Dear Marcelle, I'm so sorry I wasn't around much last week so failed to wish you good luck for the funeral.
I'm so glad it went well and that you could sit with your family and catch up.

I hope you've started to "cocoon" for the weekend and you're able to cry and smile at the memories you have of your Mum as much as you need to.

Will be thinking of you as the days go on and am sending all my love to you xxx
 

Marcelle123

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Nov 9, 2015
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Yorkshire
Dear Marcelle, I'm so sorry I wasn't around much last week so failed to wish you good luck for the funeral.
I'm so glad it went well and that you could sit with your family and catch up.

I hope you've started to "cocoon" for the weekend and you're able to cry and smile at the memories you have of your Mum as much as you need to.

Will be thinking of you as the days go on and am sending all my love to you xxx

Thank you, Prudence, for this post and for all your kind messages. xx
 

Marcelle123

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Nov 9, 2015
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Yorkshire
Mum's funeral, on January 11th, was beautiful and all my five brothers and sisters were there. But there has still been so much to arrange.

I have been living in limbo, waiting till I could take my mother's ashes to be interred with my father's in Derbyshire. That is now about to happen, on Tuesday afternoon. I was going to pick up Mum's casket on Monday, when we set off for Chesterfield, but I was worried in case something went wrong, so we went and picked them up today. I was afraid of having them in our house for the weekend - death and what happens to the body is such a horrifying idea and so hard to take in.
But I am growing used to the idea now and in a small way, though they are only her cremated remains, I feel that Mum is more present.

We are Catholics, and though our Church now allows cremation, they have concerns that a person's remains must be interred in a proper grave and not scattered or stored. I understand that, while also respecting the fact that for many people the presence of their loved one's remains in their house, or the act of scattering them in a place that they loved, is the best and most healing thing to do.
'In my Father's house there are many mansions...'

But that was another reason why I was worried about bringing Mum's remains into our house before we go up. So when we brought the casket into the house, we put them on a table and lit a candle and said some prayers. I have now put the casket on an empty shelf in a cupboard, lying on a tablecloth that my Gran, Mum's mother, once gave me, and with Mum's crucifix and two daffodils from a bunch that we bought, so we can treat Mum's remains with reverence. We will have to have them in our hotel room on Monday night too - it is just part of the logistics of organising Mum's remains being laid to rest at such a distance, where none of my family now lives.

I am hoping that nothing will go wrong - that the stonemason will have removed Dad's stone, the gravediggers prepared the ground, the priest will turn up on time, along with the lady from the Cemeteries Department, and that the brief ceremony will be moving and beautiful, and afterwards the teashop where I've reserved a table for our family group of seven (me, John, my younger sister & husband & daughter, my eldest brother & his wife) will do us proud and we'll be able to find a parking space!

There'll still be probate to be sorted out etc, but I'm hoping that after this second funeral, when we have finally laid Mum to rest, I will be able to come to terms with my loss and go on living in a world without Mum, who was such an intimate part of my life for so many years. I will always miss her, but I hope to find some peace and happiness in life again.

Meanwhile, the daffodils from the rest of Mum's bunch are coming into flower - they were only buds at lunchtime - and they look lovely in the lamplight, in a simple glass jar on our bookshelf.
 
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Marcelle123

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Nov 9, 2015
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Yorkshire
It being Mothering Sunday, I was feeling very sad in church this morning & thinking about Mum, and the children came back from their Children's Liturgy group, and a little Indian girl was handing out posies (with her mother in attendance) to some of the women in the congregation. I was very touched when she gave one to me. :)
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,865
0
Yorkshire
I'm just back from Derbyshire, from the interment of my mother's ashes with my father's, to which a brother & sister & their other halves were able to come, also my niece. I was very worried at having to arrange it all from a distance and the journey up from Norfolk was horrendous - poor visibility and relentless rain - but the next day was cold but bright, the family, priest and official turned up on time, the ceremony was brief but beautiful, and the bouquet chosen by my sister in Mum's favourite colour combination of blue and yellow was absolutely gorgeous. Afterwards we seven had tea in a teashop that I'd found on online and the food was delicious and we all got on well. I had a good journey back.

One tip I have for anyone reading this in future who has to transport a casket of ashes to a place of interment - the casket won't fit in most bags, but my husband had the good idea of inverting a very large LIDL shopping bag, which is mainly white on its proper side, and inside out is just white. It's a safe and strong carrier and people won't know what it is if you have to take it into a hotel as we did. The next day when we went to Mass at our old church, a few hours before the interment, I even took Mum's ashes in with me because I daren't risk leaving them in the car.

I did think I'd feel a bit better once Mum's ashes had reached the final destination, but curiously I feel a renewed sense of emptiness and loss. I hope this will lessen, as the funerals that I had to worry about and organise, and which both went very well, recede further into the past.

But it still seems a lot to take in, that my mother has vanished from this world and from my life.
 

DeMartin

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
711
0
Kent
I'm just back from Derbyshire, from the interment of my mother's ashes with my father's, to which a brother & sister & their other halves were able to come, also my niece. I was very worried at having to arrange it all from a distance and the journey up from Norfolk was horrendous - poor visibility and relentless rain - but the next day was cold but bright, the family, priest and official turned up on time, the ceremony was brief but beautiful, and the bouquet chosen by my sister in Mum's favourite colour combination of blue and yellow was absolutely gorgeous. Afterwards we seven had tea in a teashop that I'd found on online and the food was delicious and we all got on well. I had a good journey back.

One tip I have for anyone reading this in future who has to transport a casket of ashes to a place of interment - the casket won't fit in most bags, but my husband had the good idea of inverting a very large LIDL shopping bag, which is mainly white on its proper side, and inside out is just white. It's a safe and strong carrier and people won't know what it is if you have to take it into a hotel as we did. The next day when we went to Mass at our old church, a few hours before the interment, I even took Mum's ashes in with me because I daren't risk leaving them in the car.

I did think I'd feel a bit better once Mum's ashes had reached the final destination, but curiously I feel a renewed sense of emptiness and loss. I hope this will lessen, as the funerals that I had to worry about and organise, and which both went very well, recede further into the past.

But it still seems a lot to take in, that my mother has vanished from this world and from my life.
Never vanished, think of good memories, the funny things, a moment in time. Our loved ones live in our memory, choose the special ones.
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,270
0
East Midlands
I'm just back from Derbyshire, from the interment of my mother's ashes with my father's, to which a brother & sister & their other halves were able to come, also my niece. I was very worried at having to arrange it all from a distance and the journey up from Norfolk was horrendous - poor visibility and relentless rain - but the next day was cold but bright, the family, priest and official turned up on time, the ceremony was brief but beautiful, and the bouquet chosen by my sister in Mum's favourite colour combination of blue and yellow was absolutely gorgeous. Afterwards we seven had tea in a teashop that I'd found on online and the food was delicious and we all got on well. I had a good journey back.

One tip I have for anyone reading this in future who has to transport a casket of ashes to a place of interment - the casket won't fit in most bags, but my husband had the good idea of inverting a very large LIDL shopping bag, which is mainly white on its proper side, and inside out is just white. It's a safe and strong carrier and people won't know what it is if you have to take it into a hotel as we did. The next day when we went to Mass at our old church, a few hours before the interment, I even took Mum's ashes in with me because I daren't risk leaving them in the car.

I did think I'd feel a bit better once Mum's ashes had reached the final destination, but curiously I feel a renewed sense of emptiness and loss. I hope this will lessen, as the funerals that I had to worry about and organise, and which both went very well, recede further into the past.

But it still seems a lot to take in, that my mother has vanished from this world and from my life.

I’m so pleased that this 2nd funeral went so well for you @Marcelle123 - I was also brought up a Catholic & my mum was born in Poland & was very Catholic indeed. I’m not quite sure what she wants. At one point, she said she wanted to be buried in Poland next to her parents graves but i’m not even sure if that is possible.
Hopefully, something will come to light when we are clearing out her house now she has gone into a care home.
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
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0
Yorkshire
I hope the time doesn't come soon but when it does you'll find the best arrangement. Whatever your mother wanted at an earlier stage of her life, it would surely be best to have her final resting place where you can visit & lay flowers from time to time.

That's why we took Mum's ashes back to Derbyshire as Norfolk is too far for most of my family and anyway, we are thinking of moving back up north.

I have lost touch with the threads on Caring since Mum died - sorry, I just find it all a bit upsetting at present.

But I am very pleased to learn that you managed to find a care home for your Mum, @Kikki21 - I hope everything goes well there and she is as content as she can be.
Best wishes,
Marcelle xx
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,270
0
East Midlands
I hope the time doesn't come soon but when it does you'll find the best arrangement. Whatever your mother wanted at an earlier stage of her life, it would surely be best to have her final resting place where you can visit & lay flowers from time to time.

That's why we took Mum's ashes back to Derbyshire as Norfolk is too far for most of my family and anyway, we are thinking of moving back up north.

I have lost touch with the threads on Caring since Mum died - sorry, I just find it all a bit upsetting at present.

But I am very pleased to learn that you managed to find a care home for your Mum, @Kikki21 - I hope everything goes well there and she is as content as she can be.
Best wishes,
Marcelle xx

Aww @Marcelle123 - I am sorry you are finding things tough - you were very kind to me before & I just wanted to see how you were doing. You were right & I just need to be practical. My dad is buried in Nottingham so it would be the best thing for my mum in that sense xx
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,865
0
Yorkshire
Thank you for posting. I am going to try and catch up with things on Talking Point within the next few days. Very best wishes. xx
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,865
0
Yorkshire
I got up early this morning to go to the loo - settled back down again - and fell asleep to dream of Mum. She was elderly but it was before she'd got dementia, probably when she first came to live near us. Oddly, my brain knew that Mum was dead and even worked out that it must be a dream - but decided to go on dreaming. It was lovely to see Mum again, and I told her so, and we had a nice walk in the fresh air and sunshine.

When I woke up, it made me happy to remember it and made me feel good all day, and also a bit more accepting of what has happened.

Hey, Mum - I hope I see you in my dreams again soon! xx
 

patilo33

Registered User
Oct 12, 2011
255
0
Scunthorpe
Every journey after a mothers death is unique and personal. Your posts have helped me to make sense of my feelings Marcelle. What I have learnt is that nothing prepares you for the loss of your mother. I have recently lost my ex husband. We kept in touch regarding the children but were not close. The sense of loss is so different to loosing mum. Sad but not sorrowful. Being able to visit a grave is such a comfort for me. Recognising that it is just a memorial but at the same time gives me comfort and is a big help in dealing with her gone. Apologies for the ramble but visiting her grave was another step on this journey. 'Gone but not forgotten', they say. But my mam is still with me.
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,865
0
Yorkshire
Every journey after a mothers death is unique and personal. Your posts have helped me to make sense of my feelings Marcelle. What I have learnt is that nothing prepares you for the loss of your mother. I have recently lost my ex husband. We kept in touch regarding the children but were not close. The sense of loss is so different to loosing mum. Sad but not sorrowful. Being able to visit a grave is such a comfort for me. Recognising that it is just a memorial but at the same time gives me comfort and is a big help in dealing with her gone. Apologies for the ramble but visiting her grave was another step on this journey. 'Gone but not forgotten', they say. But my mam is still with me.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience - I am new on this journey.

I think being able to visit Mum's grave will help me too. We are just trying to get the stone set up, a new one to memorialise both my parents. Mum's grave is in Derbyshire and we live in Norfolk but we often go up north and will be able to visit.

I have found visiting my grandparents' grave in Ripon and saying prayers there has helped me. Laying flowers on the grave feels as if I am telling Gran how much I loved her, even though they will soon wither and somebody else will have to remove them.

There is no getting away from the fact that I really miss Mum and wish she could have gone on for a while, despite the dementia. I'm lucky that during her last year I was able to visit her so often and share the memory-books with her.
I hope one day I'll see her again.

Love & best wishes, @patilo33. xx
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,865
0
Yorkshire
I was taking a walk before church today, and felt extremely sad about Mum's absence, and couldn't understand why that had come upon me again suddenly - then I realised that today's date is exactly four months since Mum died.
I am feeling acutely this whole thing about death and people not being there and never to be talked to again, at least on this earth - seeing the spring flowers and knowing Mum would love to see them, but she isn't here to share their beauty; remembering how she taught me the names of wild flowers when I was little, and seeing the wild primroses scattered round the churchyard.
All very poignant. I just hope that one day I will feel calmer about the whole event, and my faith stronger that I'll see Mum again.
In the meantime - heartache.

Going off to York tomorrow for a few days to look at suburbs and dormitory villages where we might like to live. York is where I grew up. I think that it will be good to leave our home here in Norfolk, where Mum lived nearby and we were responsible for her for over twenty years, and go back to a place where the Mum of my childhood, without dementia, will be present to my mind.
 
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action4alz

New member
Apr 15, 2018
2
0
It's over three weeks now since my mother died at her care home, after being discharged from hospital with untreatable pneumonia and 'terminal dementia' - I quote from the hospital notes.

We'll be having the funeral this Thursday - a requiem mass followed by a committal service at the crematorium and a sympathy buffet at a local hotel.

Later on I'll have to organise a service for the interment of my mother's ashes with my father's in the East Midlands town we used to live in.

I am sleeping better now, but still feeling heavy-hearted and at times of emotion, such as going to church or talking over the phone to a relative, I feel faint and weak. It seems a bit less unreal now, but I am still worrying that something will go wrong with the arrangements I've made.

Altogether, this period feels like limbo, and I'll be glad when it's all sorted out.

I'm starting this thread for two reasons - firstly, because it helps me to post, and if anyone is kind enough to respond, that is great too. And secondly because I've learned a lot by reading of the experiences of others, so who knows - this might help someone in the future.
Heartfelt condolence to you at this very mournful time in your life. I share in your grief because I lost my mum when I was just 2 years old and the only way I know I ever had a mum is through a small vintage blacl and white image of the woman who gave birth to me. I pray you find the solace that I have grown up to have found. Grief is a difficult process that can affect the whole person for years if not mitigated through association and counselling. As much as you grieve, remember that there are a lot of people and organizations that are willing to help you go through this with ease feeling that you're not alone. I have always found time and joy to refer people who are grieving to helpful resources on my alzheimer's and dementia help blog. You can visit this page to find a community of people to support you. I hope you find peace
 

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