Coming to terms with the loss of my Mum (97).

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Marcelle123, Jan 8, 2018.

  1. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    My mother died two and half years ago. The memories of the disease years have been put in their proper place and I remember the beautiful, vibrant woman that was my mother. I can still hear her voice, slightly disapproving, with lips lightly pursed, saying "Now, Joanne". :) I am so glad to still hear her voice.

    We will always miss our loved ones but at least we have our memories.
  2. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Thank you, @Canadian Joanne. xx
  3. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    I had a bad dream last night.
    I can't remember the details, but it was about Mum misbehaving at a care home and lashing out at everyone verbally as she sometimes did.

    I woke up and remembered that she was gone - with a certain amount of relief.

    I am not pleased she's gone, of course - but I think it's a key to why I haven't been able to cry. It was all so awful - dealing with Mum's dementia, hospital crisis, moving to one home and then another and my fears that they wouldn't keep her - that I just had to ignore my upset feelings and get on with the job.

    Now, I am still locked up.
  4. nita

    nita Registered User

    Dec 30, 2011
    I know the feeling, @Marcelle123 . My mother died 2 years ago on 22nd December. It was a terrible Christmas that year, 2016, but still hard now. I cried when she first died and was shaking uncontrollably at times for a couple of days but then the tears seem to be dammed up. When I think of an incident from her ill times, I sometimes let out an involuntary sob but thankfully this is always when I'm alone.

    I dream about her often - sometimes she's well and walking about doing her usual things, at others she is in her hospital bed. I usually find them comforting but that is a disturbing dream you have had and I can understand the relief you felt when you woke. I think the experience of the awful illness of a person you love which goes on for years (6 years in my Mum's case but also 9 years of chronic pain before that) drains you and traumatises you so that you feel you've gone through the whole gamut of emotions while they were alive.

    Although I would love to see my mother again I wouldn't want her to see her in that incapacitated state - it was heart breaking.
  5. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Thank you,@nita - so interesting to read your post, and such a relief to swap experiences with others. xx
  6. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Well - even now, my brain has a fleeting idea of 'talking things over with Mum', the Mum in question being my pre-dementia sympathetic companion.

    But I am coming to terms with it a little more.

    I have a lot to think about at present. We have a buyer for our house in seaside Norfolk, and it looks as if we'll exchange contracts next week with a completion date of 31st July.

    But - we found a lovely house in York, just the right area. It belonged to a man who died and is being sold by his children. We knew that, and thought they had a grant of probate - then we were told that they hadn't, but thought it wouldn't be long. And then, in the last ten days - two bombshells.

    First - that they hadn't even applied for the grant yet, the reason given that one brother is abroad and could only sign when he returns to the UK in July.

    Second, a few days later - that the real reason he hasn't signed is that he refuses to. He's using that for leverage in a family dispute, and solicitor's letters are winging to and fro.

    We're hanging in there to see if it can be resolved, but in the end, we may well have to look for another house to buy.

    In the meantime, we have to sell our house - so we're racing up to York next week to try and find rented accommodation for six months. Difficult, because these properties in York are snapped up, and by the time we get there, we may find that the appointments we made are no longer relevant.

    Oh dear, oh dear - the uncertainty!

    Wish me luck, everyone, that we find somewhere to rent and can make a new life for ourselves in York. :)

    I won't be on TP for a day or two, but hope you all have a lovely Next Week. xx
  7. Havemercy

    Havemercy Registered User

    Oct 8, 2012
    Good luck Marcelle123 - hope you find somewhere lovely - can't imagine anywhere more wonderful than living in York. Fabulous place.
  8. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Thank you, @Havemercy . :)
  9. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    East Midlands
    Oh gosh @Marcelle123 what drama for you with this house situation! We have been totally honest with the buyer for my mum’s bungalow & told them probate had been delayed but we don’t know how long for. We are about 4/6 weeks away from completion. My buyer is ready & packed!
    I really hope that you find a lovely house to rent in York & the city is really lovely. I love to visit. One of my suppliers is up there & I would love to visit the showroom & stop over. You would be in a good position hopefully & renting can give you a better idea of the house you want to buy & get you up in that area. Xx
  10. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Thanks very much, @Kikki21 - we have found a nice place to rent & have paid the holding fee, but have lots of paperwork to get through before we get the keys. We've just got back, relieved & shattered in equal measure.
  11. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    East Midlands
    I’m so pleased for you. Glad your trip worked out & it will be useful for you I’m sure. Xx
  12. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Thank you! :)
  13. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Glad to say that we've signed the tenancy agreement, so should be secure of our rented house in York now.
    Nine days to go!
    There are boxes everywhere, but we're getting packed up. We're both dropping into bed like stones at the end of the day, but waking up early to worry.

    The house sale is still 'in the air' - waiting for the buyer (who said he was a cash buyer) to get his last-minute application for a mortgage processed. If the sale goes through, it will probably be in August and we'll be far away and have to deal with all the gas/ electric stuff at a distance.

    The house we're trying to buy - they still haven't submitted the application for grant of probate, but might in the next week. Of course, if we can't sell our house, we'll be out of that anyway.

    Then we'll have to negotiate 'part-exchange' at a distance, unless our estate agents can speedily come up with another buyer.

    Upward and onward!
  14. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    #74 Marcelle123, Jul 20, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2019
    I do feel that, once I'm in York, I'll not only be closer to my own childhood, but closer to Mum as well. I keep saying to her, 'See you in York!'

    And the same will be true of my beloved grandmother (1889-1986), who moved to Ripon to be near us and often visited.

  15. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    #75 Marcelle123, Jul 22, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2019
    Farewell to Talking Point for a week or two.
    When I return, I should (God willing) be posting from my new home in York.

    Take care, everyone. xxx

  16. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    Good luck with your move
  17. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Thank you. :)
  18. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Going offline today till after we're moved.

    Best wishes to all for a beautiful summer.

  19. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Just a brief note to say that we've arrived at our six-month rental in York.

    Our purchase still sounds very dodgy as the person still needed to sign the application for probate has now beggared off abroad again.

    Our sale - still not done, because the buyer's mortgage solicitor is full of questions and quibbles, but it does seem to be chugging forward, if slowly. So if we sell, we can always look for another house and have six months to find one.

    I won’t say more as we are exhausted from unpacking boxes – we only moved in on Tuesday – and our calf muscles are killing us with popping up and down stairs all day, after 22 years in a bungalow.
    But we are delighted to be here, in a lovely detached house very near the street where I grew up and where my high school was situated – I can look out of the back bedroom window and get a good view of the school tennis courts.

    If anyone on TP is passing by, drop me a line, and it might be fun to meet up.

    Very best wishes,
    Marcelle xx
  20. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    #80 Marcelle123, Aug 6, 2019
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2019

    Hoping that we can make a new life for ourselves here in the beautiful city of York, where I grew up.

    AEBear and I wish everyone on Talking Point the very best - for health, for improvement in the caring situation, and for good luck & contentment.

    'Live long & prosper', everyone. :)

    Love & best wishes,
    Marcelle xx

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