I couldn't face the stress of parking at the hospital (when did it become such a challenge?), so went by bus, even though it's a very roundabout route and took 40 minutes (15 by car). And found, for no reason, the tears rolling down my cheeks, and had to look out the window, blinking.
When I arrived at the hospital, I sat outside for a while, trying to get a grip, and decided to have a coffee, as I had time. And I had only just started to queue, when someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was a lady from the gym, who went to many of the classes that I attended, during the 5 years we went regularly.
I hadn't seen her for about 9 years, when we left the gym, as John's illness progressed, and of course, the first thing she asked was "and how's John?" I finished my coffee quickly and went for my appointment, where I was told I would need a further appointment with (and this is what it sounded like to me) "Max Factor".
As I'm deaf in one ear, I refrained from asking if the great man was still alive, and why I was receiving such special treatment, and just said "pardon?", and the beautiful consultant said "I'm so sorry. I keep using abbreviations. We say Max Fax, instead of Maxifacial", which is apparently the dermatology department that deals with facial cancers.
I'll get a further letter to attend that department, "at some time", and as I left, I felt so alone. There was a bus in the bay, about to leave, and I got on that, but had to get off at the next stop, as I felt so sick. I waited 10 minutes for the next one, and managed 3 stops this time, but then felt hot, clammy, and the sweat was running down my back, as if it was 90 degrees in the summer.
So again I got off, again I waited, berating myself for being such a wuss, trying to stop the tears, ashamed of myself, got on the next bus, still feeling sick and managed to make it home by singing the panto songs to myself, one for each bus stop.
When I got in, I sobbed and sobbed, and poor Billy kept licking me, and eventually, after a couple of coffees and some toast, I'd calmed down enough to make a couple of phone calls to sick friends, and then a hot bath (and a few slugs of Ba*leys) helped enormously.
So this was a lousy day, but I'm determined to nail that smile back on firmly, for visiting Gloria in the morning, and the Women's Fellowship in the afternoon, when I shall sing about 20 carols and Christmas songs.
I Will Not Cry!!!!!
