Can I run this by you all..

[gigi]

Before I do anything....

Most of you know Eric went into permanent care in June this year.

Since then I had a visit from one of his male carers who "popped in" to see if I was ok. I was ok with that..he said he "was in the area " and thought he'd look in. That was quite a while ago.

At the time I didn't think anything of it.

But he's just called in again tonight with a bottle of wine... I accepted but didn't open it. I made him a coffee and we chatted about Eric..but tonight somehow I found it all a bit creepy.

I just got the feeling that there was more to his visit than meets the eye.

Please help.
I don't want to get an innocent man into trouble but there was something about this visit that didn't ring true...

He gave me a hug as he left and I can still smell his aftershave..overpowering...

Love xx

 

[zoe1968]

Trust your instincts

 

[Izzy]

Mmm Gigi. I think if you feel uncomfortable with this in any way then it's not right. Would it be possible to have a quiet word with this person with a view to saying that you would prefer him not to visit you at home. He might get the message that way. If not then you'll need to be a bit harsher. x

 

[ChristineR62]

Gigi, if you hear alarm bells ringing, trust them. When it comes to the opposite sex, I've found that my alarm bells aren't usually wrong.

And even if it were all above board, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, it has to stop. The bottle of wine, though, would arouse my suspicions.

 

[miss cool]

HI GIGI i can only say from my expereance with a male carer, he was very tuchy feelly, i felt very inapropret, i had to tell him i didnot wont to see him again. i think you must on your next meeting tell him you are bissie or other excuses, its a horrible feeling and only you can stop in.hope this helps you.

love miss cool.xxxxxx

 

[jenniferpa]

I think I'd go with my gut, and my gut says "creepy". Do you know any other female carers with husbands/partners in the home? I'm just wondering if this was specific (still creepy but possible to deal with privately) or a pattern (distinctly creepy, abusive of position and needs to be reported).

The way I see it. it could be one of 3 things 1) It was a genuine attempt to make you feel better (misguided and inappropriate, but genuine). 2) He's totally misread your situation and really likes you (also misguided and inappropriate) or 3) he's a predator. I hope it's one or two. Some people simply don't "get" social signals. If it is one or two, if he calls again you not only don't let him in, you tell him in clearly but sympathetically that you do not want him to call again because you prefer to keep the relationship (perhaps choose a different word) on a professional footing. You are, in a sense, his employer.

 

[Bronwen]

Go with your gut instincts Gigi...you don't need any other problems in your life...innocent it may have been, but the bottle of wine worries me a little.

love
Bronwen x

 

[gigi]

Thanks Zoe..and Izzie.

I've no way of contacting this person other than through his manager.

And perhaps I'm reading it all wrong...but somehow I don't think so.

When Eric was at home we had lots of carers morning and night...male and female.

This chap is the only one who has knocked on my door since June.

I do smell a rat....

Yes, Bronwen..the bottle of wine bothered me too!

Love xx

 

[TinaT]

Make it clear to him next time you meet him that you want nothing to do with him outside of his employment as your husband's carer!

Strikes me that he is preying on a woman in a very vulnerable position. He's got your address from the records at the care home I presume? If so, then he is in danger of losing his job if you chose to make his visit public and I would tell him that too!

Take care of yourself my love.

xxTinaT

 

[ella24]

I've no way of contacting this person other than through his manager.

That is what I would be unnerved by.

I work in all-male environments, and I cant think of any man popping in on a lone woman, unannounced, and with a bottle of wine..... (unless...)

I actually would call the manager for an 'off the record' chat, nothing formal has to happen, but he has made you feel embarassed and uncomfortable, so if his manager DID have a quiet word, he would only be feeling the same as you do now...

go with your gut instinct

 

[TinaT]

I've re read your post and now realise that the man was a former carer in your own home. My advice is the same - he is preying on a vulnerable woman by coming to your home outside of his employment when you have not asked for this!

A male carer came to our home to care for Ken. He was much, much younger than me and a thoroughly decent young man. We have kept in touch by telephone and by Christmas Cards and I have supplied him with references once or twice. He wouldn't dream of visiting me now that Ken is no longer here, but I know if ever I needed him, he would come and help me.

That's friendship and I don't think this uninvited man arriving with a bottle of wine was in any way friendship!

xxTinaT

 

[Necion]

Glad to see you've had some far more harsh replies whils I've been typing, will leave my original post anway.N.xx

Hi Gigi, Yip, agree with everyone else, but I'm not so diplomatic!!!
Be prepared for any further 'out of professional' behaviour, whenever, wherever, and tell him firmly......something along the lines of.....that you'd prefer if he kept everything professional, as your only interest is in making sure Eric is cared for properly, and it would be such a shame if he was seen/heard by anyone who may misinterpret an innocent situation, and think that inappropriate behaviour was taking place.
Probably then give his care skills a bit of an ego boost, (only if true, of course), but 'walls have ears' as they say....and you probably have neighbours??!

You'll handle this, I know.
I used to work with 400 men, one of them my husband at the time, (now late,ex) did that make a difference??? did it heck as like!

Go with your instincts Gigi, his bruised ego will soon heal.

Love, Necion. x

 

[JPG1]

Gigi,

It must surely be as unacceptable for a care home worker to call in on a resident's relative as it would be for a hospital nurse to call in on a patient's relative. Without reason and without that being part of their job-description.

And if he calls bearing gifts, in the form of a bottle of wine, I would knock this one on the head before it goes any further.

If you still have a social worker working with you, contact the SW a.s.a.p tomorrow. If not, you should get in touch with the care home manager.

It's unacceptable. So don't accept it. And I would not confront him with your objections. If you want nothing to do with him - then have nothing to do with him. Full-stop.

 

[gigi]

Sorry Jennifer,

Missed your post...

My gut says "creepy" too.

I don't think he's out to make me feel better.

I couldn't say if he really likes me but I doubt it!

I think he's a predator..do I report him?

Love xx

 

[lin1]

yes Gigi trust your instincts, their not usually wrong when the alarm bells start ringing

just to turn up at your door uninvited speaks volumes to me.

report him

 

[Izzy]

Gigi - I think yes - better safe than sorry. xx

 

[gigi]

Setting the record straight here..this man is a former carer in our own home...before Eric went into permanent care.

He has nothing to do with the care Eric is receiving now.

xx

 

[Izzy]

I still think it would be wise to let his manager know about the inappropriate visit. z

 

[CraigC]

Hi Gigi,

Whether it is harmless or not, if it has made you feel uncomfortable in any way, nip it in the bud earlier than later.

Craig
x

 

[jenniferpa]

I'll say "gut" again. If you really feel this is not a misguided and unwanted attempt to be "friendly" and you feel he's a predator, potential or otherwise, then you at the very least need to call his manager and say that this made you feel uncomfortable even if it was well-intentioned; that you want the manager to tell this man not to contact you again; and if the man does try to contact you (say "to explain" ) tell him to his face you are reporting him to the police and then do it.

Was he at all creepy when he worked for you, or were you too tired to notice?