Can I run this by you all..

[Skye]

Gigi, I must admit I misread your first post, and assumed it was a carer from Eric's home. I was horrified. Creepy, and totally unprofessional.

Now you've explained that he's a carer from before Eric went into care, well, I'm not so sure about the unprofessional, but it's still creepy. If he wanted to see you, and to know how Eric is, he should have phoned first to sound you out. If a man I'd only known professionally turned up on my doorstep with a bottle of wine, I'd assume ulterior motives.

Knock it on the head before it gets too deep -- unless of course you're interested? Somehow I think not, otherwise you wouldn't want our advice!

Love,

 

[Christin]

If you think creepy then it probably is, go with your instinct. I would phone the manager, you could say its not a formal complaint if you prefer but that you are unhappy about it and you don't want it to happen again. It is unprofessional to say the least. If he comes round again please don't let him in.

 

[gigi]

Knock it on the head before it gets too deep -- unless of course you're interested? Somehow I think now, otherwise you wouldn't want our advice!

There is nothingto knock on the head....

I repeat..There is nothing to knock on the head

This man was a former carer of my husband...and at that time part of the family of carers who came into our home and were a huge part of our lives.
They were necessary to our existence..without them I would not have been able to keep Eric at home as long as I did.

Was he at all creepy when he worked for you, or were you too tired to notice?

Jennifer...no..he wasn't creepy. He had a good rapport with Eric and I was always so pleased when he arrived as I knew I could trust him to give good care.

Love xx

 

[Skye]

There is nothingto knock on the head....

I repeat..There is nothing to knock on the head

Gigi, I wasn't suggesting there was any involvement on your side, just that if this man is turning up uninvited with wine, there may be on his?

 

[Helen33]

Dear Gigi,

It is simple. This is unacceptable and a breach of boundaries. He should not be calling at your home uninvited at any time for any reason. It is not about what you feel. Even if you liked him calling it still would not be right.

It is important that you ring the Manager of the home and inform them what has happened. The kind of person that does this is an opportunist and by inviting him in and talking to him you are showing him that this is ok behaviour He is working with vulnerable people. PLEASE ACT NOW REGARDLESS OF HOW YOU FEEL. Some people find it extremely hard to address these issues and I suspect you can be one of them but take a deep breath and pick up the phone and ring the Manager or write her an email and press SEND.

You should not be having to deal with this kind of thing.

Love

 

[Grannie G]

Hello gigi

I have had two visits from professionals who worked with me and Dhiren before he went into residential care. One was female, one was male.

They both phoned in advance and asked if it would be convenient for . them to call. They both came during the day. Neither came bearing a gift.

 

[danny]

Gigi,I have been providing home care services for 20years.

Carers do become friends with families especially if they have been coming into their homes for many years.

However,if it was one of my carers who turned up with a bottle of wine I would want to know.The carer would only need a quiet word,he probably meant well,however,he should not have called , off duty and to a lady living on her own.

Best give the agency a quick ring.

Take care, Angela.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Hi Gigi,
If I were you, I would tell the man that I would want him to stop his visits to my home. If he starts to rationalize or go on, I would firmly say that if he chooses to ignore your request I would take it up with his employer and/or the police.

Stick to your gut.

 

[Loopiloo]

Since then I had a visit from one of his male carers who "popped in" to see if I was ok. I was ok with that..he said he "was in the area " and thought he'd look in. That was quite a while ago.

At the time I didn't think anything of it.

But he's just called in again tonight with a bottle of wine... I accepted but didn't open it. I made him a coffee and we chatted about Eric..but tonight somehow I found it all a bit creepy.

I just got the feeling that there was more to his visit than meets the eye.

Please help.
I don't want to get an innocent man into trouble but there was something about this visit that didn't ring

Gigi, you have had a lot of good advice here. Definitely go with your gut feeling. Your previous relationship was a professional one, the wine and hug were not professional. Nor calling at night.

Regardless of what you do or do not do, if he just happens to turn up on your doorstep again in the near future, keep him there. All you need to say is something brief and straight to the point, like "Thanks for calling but it is no longer necessary. Good night" (or good morning, good afternooon). Then close the door, and lock it.

Loo xx

 

[gigi]

Thanks !
It's a bank holiday tomorrow but nonetheless I'll phone SS and ask to speak to the manager to register my concern.

I just needed to realise thst this is a concern....

xx

 

[jenniferpa]

You have two issues of course: protecting yourself and protecting other people. It can be easier to do this sort of thing if you wrap yourself in the armour of protecting others. You have the gumption to deal with this man: there may be others who do not. I'm sorry if he's a decent carer, because they're in short supply, but sadly, being good at your job doesn't necessarily make you a great person. At the very least, he has boundary issues, so maybe he'll learn from this experience if he didn't mean any harm (and be frightened off if he did).

 

[Helen33]

I'll phone SS and ask to speak to the manager to register my concern.

And make a very clear statement "I want this person to be told not to call on me again".

Love

 

[hazytron]

Oh dear Gigi, such a delicate issue. Clearly, this chap has acted inappropriately and has upset you in the process. He has no right to do this.

It does sound sensible to have a word with SW. It is just so unfortunate, for you, to have been put in this position and I am glad you have been able to share, with us, your predicament.

This is not an easy task to deal with and I do not envy you but we are here to support you at all times.

Lots of love
Hazel

 

[gigi]

Thankyou for being so honest with me!

I think the visit upset me more than I realised and I woke late yesterday morning feeling quite sick about it all..

Instead of visiting Eric I gave myself a duvet day and did nothing..except to phone this guy's immediate line manager who wasn't in as it was a BH...

Somehow I felt I couldn't move on with other things until I'd spoken to someone about it.

Today I've done just that. I explained to his senior what had happened without naming names..at the end of it all and after some searching questions she asked me for his name. When I gave it to her she took a sharp intake of breath..and said this would have to go higher up and she would be informing the next in line managerially and that she would be in touch.

I've been out today but on return there is a message to phone her back ASAP..unfortunately she's off duty until 12 noon tomorrow so I'll call back then.

With hindsight..that wonderful gift..I realise that I should have told him to sling his hook and take his wine with him...I'm not that sort of person and do find it hard to confront people unless I know I'm on solid ground. In other words I feel like a bit of a naive ninny...

Am so grateful for your support, though. Thankyou.

Love xx

 

[jenniferpa]

I think we're all like that to a certain extent. Hands up those who have ever said to themselves "I wish I had said...". Bet there's a forest of waving arms. The other thing is that most of us tend to think the best of people (and it's a better way to live that to always assuming people are out to get you) and so we don't want to hurt people. Unfortunately, some people, at least, may take advantage of that.

Glad you spoke to someone: that intake of breath almost sounds as if this isn't the first time this has happened, doesn't it?

 

[Grannie G]

Glad you spoke to someone: that intake of breath almost sounds as if this isn't the first time this has happened, doesn't it?

If so, action should have been taken previously. Not good enough.
Glad you spoke up gigi.

 

[jenniferpa]

Well I can see a situation where someone does something like this and it's a question of he said/she said, where the staff member is warned that such things could be misinterpreted and not to do it again and..

Just saying.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

...she asked me for his name. When I gave it to her she took a sharp intake of breath..and said this would have to go higher up and she would be informing the next in line managerially and that she would be in touch.

....I feel like a bit of a naive ninny...

Obviously it's not the first time this man has overstepped the boundaries.

No, you are not a ninny, you simply were trying to think the best of his intentions and giving him the benefit of the doubt. It's much easier for people who aren't involved to see the big picture.

 

[Skye]

No, you're certainly not a ninny, gigi. I'm sure I'd have done the same as you. We were brought up to be polite. and when someone knock at the door, to invite them in.

But you followed your gut reaction, and you gave him no encourahement at all.

Well done for making that phone call, that must have taken courage. I'll be interested to hear what the manager has to say.

But hold your head up high, you did well.

Love,

 

[gigi]

Oh Thankyou...

You know something..the "old gigi" would have kicked this guy into touch...that's the "before dementia hit our lives" gigi.

The "new gigi" feels very fragile and vulnerable and more than a little lost at times.

I'm sure I'd have done the same as you. We were brought up to be polite. and when someone knock at the door, to invite them in.

Thanks Hazel...especially when it's someone you've known and trusted.

Dear Joanne..

Obviously it's not the first time this man has overstepped the boundaries.

I wondered that too when I heard the sharp intake of breath.

Your support is helping me to feel a bit better about this..obviously I'll keep you posted.

Love xx