I told the Other One not to sign him up for anything today and thankfully she said it's just a look. I need to get my finances straight before he goes anywhere. Hope to get that done next week. I feel like my brain is knocking around in my skull. Like a pinball game. Yes, I probably need to see a counselor. My support group meets once a month and that's next Tuesday. So much has happened in the past month. Last meeting was pending Big Meeting about the calls to an attorney changing LPA. Wow. @Amethyst59 I'm following you so closely you can probably feel my breathe on your neck. You too @kindred . Does the OH ever come back to the house overnight? Or is it just too difficult?
imsoblue
- Thread starter imsoblue
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I have been so distraught these last few weeks I couldn't even post on TP. I do read threads although not like I used to. Every day brings more heartache and pain. OH has moved to a home and I am having to adjust to single life...yet, not...because I visit him most days after work. His daughters have alienated me and I believe alienating him against me. The Other One communicates with my Son #1, but never with me. What she tells him could be explained if she would contact me about her concerns. She takes the smallest things and makes them monumental with wrong assumptions.
I took OH to the doctor yesterday in New Orleans. That One of course had to come and ask questions like "what is the time line of this?" Of course, doctor doesn't know. However, he is a kind man and sugar coated things which when speaking to a La La Land girl and a deep in denial patient, I didn't think it was beneficial. That One drove right home afterwards (thank goodness! She drove 4 hours round trip for a 30 minutes doctor visit and I discovered she or someone had called the doctor to ask if OH is still capable of signing papers!)
I drove OH for about 2 hours all over New Orleans. We passed the place I first heard his name, where our car was stolen, hotels we stayed in, etc. It was the only vacation we can go on. Spending a whole day together in a romantic city that we spent many hours of fun was so special. Then as we were almost back to our town (about an hour away) he announced he was giving POA to his brother, the attorney. What?? I said, I hope your brother enjoys visiting you everyday after work because I will no longer be there.
I called Son #2 who is also an attorney. He said, we have no idea what his attorney brother's response was. I left OH's room with him saying he hasn't made the decision yet. I am in so much turmoil. So tired of not sleeping, the pounding heart, and crying! I'm sure my friends and children are tired of my complaints to them too.
I said to my son, "I think the part of his brain that liked/loved me is gone." He agreed.
I am seriously contemplating divorce. There will be divorce when/if the POA is changed. Having been rejected by 1st husband, I cannot tolerate this from 2nd husband. If he doesn't trust me to handle his life (yet he did January, 2017) there is no relationship. His daughters can have him.
What is wrong with me that I am fighting to keep him? He doesn't like me. He has been so cruel to me throughout this ordeal.
I took OH to the doctor yesterday in New Orleans. That One of course had to come and ask questions like "what is the time line of this?" Of course, doctor doesn't know. However, he is a kind man and sugar coated things which when speaking to a La La Land girl and a deep in denial patient, I didn't think it was beneficial. That One drove right home afterwards (thank goodness! She drove 4 hours round trip for a 30 minutes doctor visit and I discovered she or someone had called the doctor to ask if OH is still capable of signing papers!)
I drove OH for about 2 hours all over New Orleans. We passed the place I first heard his name, where our car was stolen, hotels we stayed in, etc. It was the only vacation we can go on. Spending a whole day together in a romantic city that we spent many hours of fun was so special. Then as we were almost back to our town (about an hour away) he announced he was giving POA to his brother, the attorney. What?? I said, I hope your brother enjoys visiting you everyday after work because I will no longer be there.
I called Son #2 who is also an attorney. He said, we have no idea what his attorney brother's response was. I left OH's room with him saying he hasn't made the decision yet. I am in so much turmoil. So tired of not sleeping, the pounding heart, and crying! I'm sure my friends and children are tired of my complaints to them too.
I said to my son, "I think the part of his brain that liked/loved me is gone." He agreed.
I am seriously contemplating divorce. There will be divorce when/if the POA is changed. Having been rejected by 1st husband, I cannot tolerate this from 2nd husband. If he doesn't trust me to handle his life (yet he did January, 2017) there is no relationship. His daughters can have him.
What is wrong with me that I am fighting to keep him? He doesn't like me. He has been so cruel to me throughout this ordeal.
Update: The Other One keeps texting Son #1 with accusations like: Is she (me) going to pay next months Assisted Living rent? Why wouldn't I? He finally told her: Ask HER. And she did. I said, Of Course! Son #2 had enough and he called OH. Told him, "again, you are not thinking through this. You shut (my mom) out, you lose her." (Earlier I had asked Son #2 Why am I fighting for him and this pain?" His answer? "Because you promised you would." I cried.)
I brought the 2 little grand girls to visit the AL this afternoon for music and snacks. This was after I knew Son #2 had called. Still not a happy man.
Son #2 figured out OH is really back to "I don't need a POA. I want control over my finances." So with the little girls and me in his apartment, he tried to call some of his account managers. He couldn't tell the difference between a text message and an email. The messages he left for the managers were ridiculous.
I'm broken.
I brought the 2 little grand girls to visit the AL this afternoon for music and snacks. This was after I knew Son #2 had called. Still not a happy man.
Son #2 figured out OH is really back to "I don't need a POA. I want control over my finances." So with the little girls and me in his apartment, he tried to call some of his account managers. He couldn't tell the difference between a text message and an email. The messages he left for the managers were ridiculous.
I'm broken.
And all of this pain...this is why it makes me mad when people think that dementia is just when you forget names. They have no idea of the life changing difference it causes. Mind you, someone did say to me yesterday that once we had no idea either.
I hope you are able to have some FUN now that you have some time alone. Time out with friends, and time away from all the angst. Your son sounds lovely.
I hope you are able to have some FUN now that you have some time alone. Time out with friends, and time away from all the angst. Your son sounds lovely.
Im so sorry @imsoblue
Your husband is has no idea what the consequences of his actions will be; he can only see his own wants desires and comforts now. I'll bet he still sounds lucid though - if it doesnt go on too long! Trying to keep/regain control is a major want in their minds - he cannot understand why you have taken control of his finances away from him. Does he think that you are in some way stealing from him?
What a mess dementia makes
Your husband is has no idea what the consequences of his actions will be; he can only see his own wants desires and comforts now. I'll bet he still sounds lucid though - if it doesnt go on too long! Trying to keep/regain control is a major want in their minds - he cannot understand why you have taken control of his finances away from him. Does he think that you are in some way stealing from him?
What a mess dementia makes
I don't think he thinks I'm stealing, he just wants to be in control. When he was talking about one of his accounts he kept adding $10,000 to it. I corrected him. I shouldn't do that I know. He wants to believe he has more than he does and as I've written before, both he and That One have a trait "If I say it, it is true."Im so sorry @imsoblue
Your husband is has no idea what the consequences of his actions will be; he can only see his own wants desires and comforts now. I'll bet he still sounds lucid though - if it doesnt go on too long! Trying to keep/regain control is a major want in their minds - he cannot understand why you have taken control of his finances away from him. Does he think that you are in some way stealing from him?
What a mess dementia makes
Because he has no idea what the consequences are, he should never be allowed to change POA. But, lawyers do what they get paid for and there will always be one who will pretend OH appears capable of signing the paper. And yes, he appears lucid most of the time. His dementia is decision making and planning. Memory is not an issue most of the time.
Like you, one of my friends today said and I agree, "All he can think about is himself. And sadly, it's not his fault."
But it's so difficult for me! Thanks for the support.
Yep, we are experts on the varied forms of dementia now. I had a big cry this morning with friends on the phone so hopefully that will be it for the day!
I cooked for myself for the first time last night. I can do the alone part, it's the drama and the accusations that knock me off my rocker!
My beloved OH Keith could not come back home overnight. He needs three people to manage him (slender but very tall), I just could not. And I don't think he would even recognise it as his home any more, although he loved it so. He used to keep saying, I so love this house, the way you've got it. (Very full of pretty colours). In my dreams, then. In dreams, i walk with you, in dreams I talk with you ... only in dreams, in beautiful dreams. Gxxaka kindred.
My OH has not progressed as far where he doesn't recognize people or things. His assisted living took a field trip to a local casino and he went. They passed on the road where he could see our house. If he didn't have dementia I would think he would have been shouting, "Let me get off this bus!" But no, he continued one. Even after our full day in New Orleans he casually commented, "I thoroughly enjoyed my day (I'm expecting it's this day he was referring to, but no) AT THE CASINO. The gelato was my favorite part (that was dessert from the buffet.) That broke my heart. It was childlike. Another sign of the disease.
It's a big holiday in America Wednesday. Fourth of July! He loved that from our house we could watch the fireworks at that casino. I'm debating about bringing him home for that. It would be so late (has to be dark) and getting him back would be an ordeal. Don't think I feel up to it.
I love speaking and walking in our dreams.
Hi Honey have just caught up. This is so tragic. I am deeply sorry. It’s so heartbreaking this childlike quality and it makes them so vulnerable that we just melt.
A dear friend commented the other day that my OH is so adorable in his softness and vulnerability that she can see why I get overlooked as his carer. I feel like Hard Hearted Hannah, the Vamp of Savannah, GA.
What did you do in the end re July 4th?
Much love, thinking of you, C.
A dear friend commented the other day that my OH is so adorable in his softness and vulnerability that she can see why I get overlooked as his carer. I feel like Hard Hearted Hannah, the Vamp of Savannah, GA.
What did you do in the end re July 4th?
Much love, thinking of you, C.
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Thanks for asking about today. It has given me a chance to contemplate how I feel at the end of this day. I lazed around in my pjs and didn't see a soul. Quite relaxing.
I feel guilty that I did not have the energy to bring OH home for 30 minutes of fireworks at 9PM. I wonder why I couldn't muster up the strength to have him spend the entire day here, go to the balcony for the fireworks, and then (according to OH) he would even sleep here. Son #1 offered to help although his family would not be able to attend since everyone has to work tomorrow and it would be too late. Guilt monster attacking me. I did speak to him on the phone twice.
OH did not ask to come home. It was simply discussed as a possibility. He didn't sound disappointed when I told him he wouldn't be coming as Son #1 could not bring his family of grand girls. The chair he would sit in is at the CH. Would we pack a bag as most of all his clothes are also there? For some reason, I didn't want to do this and I've become very much about ME.
I had the stuffing knocked out of me yesterday. Many, many tears were shed. I went to my support group and was overwhelming told to get a divorce. That was a shock. even though I've said it myself. I've been through so much this past year...I guess I'm hoping that in the assisted living he will mellow. The ladies have heard my stories and they know he won't get better. My OH is quite different from the others. Mine is cross and selfish. They still travel as a couple and get positive reinforcement for being carers from their OH! I rarely, if ever, get a thank-you for bringing him something.
Last night I didn't go to the CH for his dinner which I had been doing. I went out with a friend. However I brought him dessert from the restaurant we ate at and spent some good time with him. He went to his bed at 7:30PM.
He is definitely not the man I married. The black cloud of him removing me as POA and, have I ever said I even suspect he will take me out of his will, have left me questioning why I'm not washing my hands of him. What am I getting out of this marriage? I guess I just cannot emotionally handle the finalization of this. I will begin thinking about it more seriously though.
Wow, a simple question about fireworks turned into this!?
It is hard when our PWDs world becomes so narrow and diminished and their loss of empathy means that all they can see is their own wants and comforts. They want what they want and they want it NOW with no understanding about what it costs others around them or what the results are likely to be - and if they cant get it they dont understand why not.
Has your OH actually withdrawn POA?
Has your OH actually withdrawn POA?
@canary I so appreciate you reminding me of this. You are so wise and tolerant to keep reminding me. I need this reminder!
I visited an attorney who told me that I may not know if POA is withdrawn from me. I assume I will know if I try to do something with funds.
I'm distraught that in addition to being married to a PWD, I have legal issues that really disrupt everything else!
@imsoblue, did you ever get advice on whether your husband actually CAN remove POA or divorce you? If he is in a care home and lacks capacity, I’m not sure he can. Whether you want to divorce is another matter entirely...but can you ask your solicitor about your husband’s legal position?
As far as the guilt and the fireworks goes....I felt guilty the other evening that I was not with my husband and so I drove across to him. When I was at home, I was thinking about how much I miss him and he was sitting alone, and I was sitting alone. I think I was imagining a lovely evening together, cosied up watching a film. Of course, the reality was different. He was REALLY surprised and pleased to see me....because he wanted to go through how he cleans his teeth. Now I have the shaving sorted (electric razor) his attention is focussed on his teeth. It is his main topic of conversation.
We went to the bathroom on four separate occasions, and went through the routine. In between he said, let’s just relax. And after a couple of minutes, we were off again....so do I leave the minty stuff overnight?
It was such a stressful and unhappy evening. I would have been better off just staying at home and feeling guilty that I wasn’t with him.
So, the short version of this is...you made the right decision about the fireworks!
As far as the guilt and the fireworks goes....I felt guilty the other evening that I was not with my husband and so I drove across to him. When I was at home, I was thinking about how much I miss him and he was sitting alone, and I was sitting alone. I think I was imagining a lovely evening together, cosied up watching a film. Of course, the reality was different. He was REALLY surprised and pleased to see me....because he wanted to go through how he cleans his teeth. Now I have the shaving sorted (electric razor) his attention is focussed on his teeth. It is his main topic of conversation.
We went to the bathroom on four separate occasions, and went through the routine. In between he said, let’s just relax. And after a couple of minutes, we were off again....so do I leave the minty stuff overnight?
It was such a stressful and unhappy evening. I would have been better off just staying at home and feeling guilty that I wasn’t with him.
So, the short version of this is...you made the right decision about the fireworks!
Thanks ladies. Your comments are so welcome.
RE POA...now there's a new word being dropped. "Capacity." Apparently the diagnosis doesn't mean he might not have capacity!!!???? So one person can determine that Yes, he did have capacity at the time of the signing (to know what he was doing.) I'm not happy about that. Son #2, a young attorney, would never accept OH's signature. If someone down the road questions it, Son #2 would not look well ethically. Others are not so concerned about that. I personally feel I could sue because some of his scores are so low on his test and because of his actions. It would cost me money. The stress is overwhelming.
Last night I took the grand girls to see him because there's music and treats in the afternoon. I discovered his phone was dead and his charger didn't work so I brought it home to use mine. Thank goodness, the charger did work.
I did my usual no sleep between 3 and 5am so was dead asleep when his ringing phone woke me up at 8:30. I didn't get to it in time and discovered it was his attorney brother who also left a message. I couldn't check the message because it would be apparent. Meanwhile, my cell had died (not being charged) and when I plugged it in the texts flew. It was a text to me from his attorney brother and included ALL of his siblings. Brother asked how he could get in touch with OH because he wanted to "tell him he was going on vacation." Hmmmm. Not one of the siblings ever shares vacation plans. So, all other siblings chimed in and that helped me discover one sibling didn't even know OH was in a home and has been for over 2 weeks. Anyway, I brought the phone to OH today as I was taking him out for a lunch. I asked OH why his brother was telling him about his vacation. "Maybe the call was about the big meeting you are not invited to," he said. Hence an afternoon of tears with my friend. She even suggested he is just being cruel to me. He's mad at his predicament and taking it out on me. I told him I wouldn't see him tomorrow.
My plan...and it helps to have one...if he removes me, I will divorce him and not have one iota of guilt. Forced out, so they say. Others say, why wait? I just can't handle anything that adds to my stress. I'll continue to visit.
One thing that I'm realizing is with him gone and my time with him is limited I wonder if he's in host mode. I won't see the decline in his behavior because I don't see him regularly. That is bothering me.
RE POA...now there's a new word being dropped. "Capacity." Apparently the diagnosis doesn't mean he might not have capacity!!!???? So one person can determine that Yes, he did have capacity at the time of the signing (to know what he was doing.) I'm not happy about that. Son #2, a young attorney, would never accept OH's signature. If someone down the road questions it, Son #2 would not look well ethically. Others are not so concerned about that. I personally feel I could sue because some of his scores are so low on his test and because of his actions. It would cost me money. The stress is overwhelming.
Last night I took the grand girls to see him because there's music and treats in the afternoon. I discovered his phone was dead and his charger didn't work so I brought it home to use mine. Thank goodness, the charger did work.
I did my usual no sleep between 3 and 5am so was dead asleep when his ringing phone woke me up at 8:30. I didn't get to it in time and discovered it was his attorney brother who also left a message. I couldn't check the message because it would be apparent. Meanwhile, my cell had died (not being charged) and when I plugged it in the texts flew. It was a text to me from his attorney brother and included ALL of his siblings. Brother asked how he could get in touch with OH because he wanted to "tell him he was going on vacation." Hmmmm. Not one of the siblings ever shares vacation plans. So, all other siblings chimed in and that helped me discover one sibling didn't even know OH was in a home and has been for over 2 weeks. Anyway, I brought the phone to OH today as I was taking him out for a lunch. I asked OH why his brother was telling him about his vacation. "Maybe the call was about the big meeting you are not invited to," he said. Hence an afternoon of tears with my friend. She even suggested he is just being cruel to me. He's mad at his predicament and taking it out on me. I told him I wouldn't see him tomorrow.
My plan...and it helps to have one...if he removes me, I will divorce him and not have one iota of guilt. Forced out, so they say. Others say, why wait? I just can't handle anything that adds to my stress. I'll continue to visit.
One thing that I'm realizing is with him gone and my time with him is limited I wonder if he's in host mode. I won't see the decline in his behavior because I don't see him regularly. That is bothering me.
The last point you raise is a particularly significant issue, isn’t it? Also the implications are scary, if you fear the consequent misperception may keep you emotionally involved more than you would be otherwise, and at a time when you are struggling to disengage. Can you tease out what you see as the risks for you, if you find yourself unwittingly thinking your OH is better than he actually is?
This disease is mind-boggling. He called me tonight. After speaking a few minutes he said, "I bet you're wondering why I called? I misdialed." Yep, he has no desire to call me and even admits it.
I will always know he is not better than he appears. Today while riding in the car he was lamenting his loss of playing golf. Now he always mixed up the word "retirement" for "graduation." (oops, maybe he's had dementia longer than I thought.) But today he said, "And who would have thought that when I graduated from law school, I would have gotten Parkinson's disease." He never went to law school.
I must remember to take it one day at a time. Not worry about things until they are tangible to worry about. Your support helps me every day.
Yesterday I sent his neurologist an email. There were some parts of the office visit I wanted cleared up and recorded for his chart. I felt like a tattle tale. It took about a week and a half to get the courage to send the email. I began saying I was intimidated with That One (OH's daughter in the room.) The doctor entered the room questioning/remarking that "you (me) called him last week and asked about the ability to sign a paper?" Nope wasn't me. So I let him know that the daughter that sits in the room with us is unhappy with me. She says I'm negative (I'm call it reality) and don't do what he needs to get better. I also said when he asked OH if he was delusional and OH said nope, I wrote some stories that may be known as a delusion. First, he is planning a charity golf tournament at a local course. Wounded Warriors will be the cause. He is inviting the winner of the Masters, Patrick Reed, and another great golfer from Louisiana, David Toms. OH has never, ever, ever done something like this. I just sit quietly and listen and grieve silently at this scenario. He has also contacted patent attorneys to meet with him to discuss an idea for a product he had 30 years ago. Other officials have been contacted as he offers his services for their projects.
Yesterday he texted me SSN#? I called him. Why do you need my social security number? He said he didn't, he needed his. (One of the first things I can actually say he forgot. Forgetting his not his problem.) Why do you need your SSN#? He's shopping for a new home mortgage. He lives in a CH and wants me to move out of our home. I tried to firmly (and don't talk down to him say the sweet sisters) tell him, Do not give your SSN# to anyone. He argued (yep, always an argument) he called them so it was legit. I asked, Where did you get their number? They sent him an EMAIL!!! This is the dementia I deal with.
I wrote all this for the doctor. I added that I also told OH I was glad he didn't think I was having an affair. He had answered no when the doctor asked. Well, OH didn't even remember that question was asked. I countered to the doctor though. OH wants to see the photos in my phone, accuses of me of being gone 4 hours when I was gone 2, and the sitter told me he tried to climb on our counter to get a card from a bouquet of flowers that were delivered to me. The sitter said, the driver said they're from her son (and they were.)
I guess I wrote because I didn't feel the doctor got the whole picture. He may think I'm a looney tune but it was something that had been weighing on me since we left.
Thank you for being there for me TP.
Yesterday he texted me SSN#? I called him. Why do you need my social security number? He said he didn't, he needed his. (One of the first things I can actually say he forgot. Forgetting his not his problem.) Why do you need your SSN#? He's shopping for a new home mortgage. He lives in a CH and wants me to move out of our home. I tried to firmly (and don't talk down to him say the sweet sisters) tell him, Do not give your SSN# to anyone. He argued (yep, always an argument) he called them so it was legit. I asked, Where did you get their number? They sent him an EMAIL!!! This is the dementia I deal with.
I wrote all this for the doctor. I added that I also told OH I was glad he didn't think I was having an affair. He had answered no when the doctor asked. Well, OH didn't even remember that question was asked. I countered to the doctor though. OH wants to see the photos in my phone, accuses of me of being gone 4 hours when I was gone 2, and the sitter told me he tried to climb on our counter to get a card from a bouquet of flowers that were delivered to me. The sitter said, the driver said they're from her son (and they were.)
I guess I wrote because I didn't feel the doctor got the whole picture. He may think I'm a looney tune but it was something that had been weighing on me since we left.
Thank you for being there for me TP.
