imsoblue

[imsoblue]

Hi! It’s significant too that the other sister was the one able - even if by phone - to say the words re care home that the sister who was present was unable to. This suggests to me both strength and compassion which now she seems to be able to bring to bear, in order to offer your OH and you the support that’s actually useful, as distinct from all the nonsense that isn’t. I think it’s also a positive sign that she took in what your son said to her in the serious talk, and is acting upon it.

A tiny ray of light in an otherwise unrelievedly appalling situation?

You are correct @carolynp I assume she has finally had to find her strength. Plus she got called out on her absence. She loves her sister and knows she lives in a world of "wishes." Here's an example the Other One told me. That One lived far away and was coming for a visit with a friend. She asked if they could all visit their camp on a certain day. The Other One said sure...if the weather was okay. That One, in all confidence and with complete assurance said, "The weather will be perfect." (Remember, if they say it, it is true.) Well, on that day, we had one of the worst hurricanes to hit our area. Oops, sometimes you have to live in the real world. However, NO one can mess with HER sister. She will defend her no matter what.
Family dynamics are serious issues in this world of dementia.

 

[imsoblue]

Our local newspaper had an article today about memory loss after surgery. This is WHY I was against back surgery. I had a local friend who's husband had kidney cancer which resulted in having his kidney removed. She told me his was totally confused for months after that surgery. Of course, he needed his kidney his removed. OH's back surgery was almost elective in that there was no assurance it would improve his gait. I'm sorry I can't put the link. I cannot find it on the internet yet. It's called postoperative cognitive dysfunction (POCD). Here's a quote from Dr. Kirk Hogan, professor of anesthesiology of the University of Wisconsin-Madison School of Medicine and Public Health. "Beyond question, patients should be informed that the 'safety stop' of not undergoing surgery is theirs to choose. Each patient must determine if the proposed benefits of a procedure outweigh the foreseeable and material risks of cognitive decline after surgery." The experts say it's not the drugs, rather its the stress of surgery. The inflammation of surgery can leak to the brain in older patients. Quite an interesting study. I'll post the link when I find it. the author is Judith Graham of Kaiser Health News.

 

[carolynp]

You are correct @carolynp I assume she has finally had to find her strength. Plus she got called out on her absence. She loves her sister and knows she lives in a world of "wishes." Here's an example the Other One told me. That One lived far away and was coming for a visit with a friend. She asked if they could all visit their camp on a certain day. The Other One said sure...if the weather was okay. That One, in all confidence and with complete assurance said, "The weather will be perfect." (Remember, if they say it, it is true.) Well, on that day, we had one of the worst hurricanes to hit our area. Oops, sometimes you have to live in the real world. However, NO one can mess with HER sister. She will defend her no matter what.
Family dynamics are serious issues in this world of dementia.

I think that is very true, what you say, that family dynamics become critically important. This was the case too with my disabled son when he was little. In fact, his existence changed the dynamics in both families - and permanently for me. A brutal awakening but a lot of good growth too came about because of it: I started therapy to learn how to deal with my in-laws and have never looked back. Well actually that’s nonsense, I look back all the time! What I’m trying to say is that psychotherapy became a living force for me as a result, and changed my world completely.

 

[Amethyst59]

Yes, maybe at last she will step up to the mark...though, no maybe I shouldn’t pour cold water in it! But I do find that Martin’s daughter will spend a bit more time planning projects and things, than actually just spending the time with her dad.
Edit...sorry, this was a reply to an earlier post about your husband’s daughter. I’m still half asleep!

 

[imsoblue]

The Other One is one her way. Her dad's face lit up when I told him. He remarked they could go to lunch. I told him she might just want to stay in. She has resisted taking him out and doesn't like to see him fall. She texted this morning and asked where was that fave restaurant he likes. That's how long it's been since she's been here. Never even came with us to this restaurant. She said taking him out "freaks" her out. I replied, "It freaks us all out." I'm not a nice person anymore. I'm not keeping quiet. I want to speak up even more!

 

[margherita]

I'm not a nice person anymore.

Why should you be nice to a person who is never nice to you?
I have become a mirror that reflects other people's attitudes and behaviours.
They will get from me what they give me

 

[imsoblue]

Why should you be nice to a person who is never nice to you?
I have become a mirror that reflects other people's attitudes and behaviours.
They will get from me what they give me

I wish I could hug you right now @margherita Thanks!

 

[carolynp]

I wish I could hug you right now @margherita Thanks!

Be consoled, @imsoblue ! I totally concur with @margherita. I have spent 69 years trying to be nice, kind Mrs DoAsYouWouldBeDoneBy, from The Water Babies, but its cautionary tale for poor benighted nineteenth-century children has no further place in my life. From now on it's nasty, unkind MrsBeDoneByAsYouDid! And no shortage of suitable targets for payback in the extended family, either. Retribution looms!

 

[Amethyst59]

Ooh err....I can see the lightening flash and hear the thunder from here!!

 

[imsoblue]

I read two posts today about wishing what would happen. I was on a highway this morning that goes under a train track. My (mum) made all us little ones make a wish when we went under a train track and told us it would come true. Through the years I've told that story and others had corrections to it. First, it HAS to have a train on it. Oh. And someone else told me you have to pick up your feet. Believe it or not, a friend of mine was driving next to me in town when all of those happened and when he heard my horn honk, he knew what I was doing! (We do not live in a small town either!) Then, he had the nerve to tell me I had to touch a screw. Well, there are no visible screws in my car. But anyway, when I pass under a train track with a train on it, I honk my horn, lift my feet, touch the visor plastic (which I'm sure has a screw under it) and make a wish. As I'm coordinating all of this and going really fast today, I realized I didn't know what to wish for. I remember wishing he would get better. I know that's not going to happen now. So sad. I had to wish for something so I wished that I would get a job that pays more money! Ha! What would you wish for?

 

[Amethyst59]

An ordinary life....just like other couples I see. That’s what I would wish for.

 

[margherita]

Freedom, freedom, freedom.
That's my wish

 

[Mudgee Joy]

Hi imsoblue - nice to see the improvement in the SS!! Really a big relief for you ! One of my husbands daughters is helpful to me and it’s still good to know she really understands - someone you can call on - we’ll done !! Love and hugs MJ

 

[imsoblue]

Driving home from the 5 day work week with no weekend plans even though it's Mother's Day, I thought this may be the weekend to try a "chill" pill. I've been carrying around the anti-anxiety pills in my purse for imaginary strength for quite awhile. They were for emergencies but I thought I should take one before such an event so I can judge any reactions I may have, like fall dead asleep. Then I stopped and got the mail. Mixed in among the bills and flyers was a hand-written envelope, so rare these days. Return address: That One. My heart stopped. Wish I'd had already had that pill practice. It was however quite benign, but sweet. A simple Mother's Day card with a handwritten "I love you and thank you for everything." WOW. Still haven't forgotten or forgiven. Hurt and pain was too much, too deep. Maybe one day, not today. Not tomorrow.
Now I've got a movie date this afternoon to see The Leisure Seeker with an old friend. The pill won't be today.

 

[imsoblue]

Didn't get out fast enough for the movie! At lunch OH appeared to have his light bulb tightened so I brought up his bank account. He is overdrawn and will now have to tap into savings, something I know he will hate. I show him the account. He cannot remember any of his passwords and changes them without me knowing. But now that I'm on this account, I can show him his banking transactions through my account. He proclaims: I'm going to let That One takeover the finances. No, it was decided at the meeting that I am doing all of this. He says That One can get the passwords. (Really? How? By looking at the computer she can figure out your password??) I say, I can get your password. No, That One needs to do this. Why? Because you won't let me do what I want to do (you're welcome) and That One will (you're welcome again!) I remind him that either I do everything or That One does. If That One does you will go to care home. No I won't. There it is!!!! Lying? Denial? Dementia? I remind him he called the Other One a few days after the meeting and she confirmed Yes, you are going in a care home. And the saga continues.

 

[imsoblue]

Today That One is coming for her weekly visit that she missed last week. The week before was The Meeting. OH was pleased she is coming, but surprised. Commented that after "the way (you and your boys) treated her, he didn't think she'd ever return." Now be real. We aren't even going to be there and she is coming to she YOU. He has dementia. Sigh.
I wrote before he has run out of money and now we have to tap into investments, stocks, or savings. He does not like that. I have all of his passwords except one and I'm not sure that's even online to manage. So, he thinks That One can take care of this for him. I said no way. She is not to change any passwords for you. Again, I am in charge of this circus. Then the battle begins again with the circle and twists of it's me and everything or SS and a nursing home. Not a good way to leave for work. I do believe I had my first panic attack in the car. Heart stopped and I got light headed. Dementia is eating at my soul. I texted That One and said please do not help him change passwords. She doesn't like to not do what he requests. Too bad. I feared she would do it without thinking (which is the way she lives her life anyway) so I have it in writing now. Anticipatory Anxiety. I have to give that up. It's just I don't trust her. And she's mad at me because I don't cater to her dad. I also informed the SS that June 1 and 2 I have to go away for work. They can either come with us, come to keep him at my house, or he can go to their house. Three options. Pick one.

 

[imsoblue]

I must be the world's worst communicator. I texted That One the following: Please don't help him change his passwords. I have them all straight and written down." After a few hours this was her reply: I'm not interested in y'all's passwords.
Like I was accusing her of wanting access to our accounts???!!!! That never crossed my mind! I just wanted to be able to access them and he changes the pw and then forgets what it is. It has been total drudgery and a lot of time spent of getting passwords for him.
She does not like me anymore. I the feeling is mutual.

 

[margherita]

How did That One's visit go?
Thinking of you. Stepchildren are a nuisance.

 

[imsoblue]

I had a late meeting so when I got home last evening we were both tired. I did not bring up That One but did ask how Physical Therapy PT went. He said he was discharged. That was odd because I knew he had two more appointments next week. PT probably does no good. He said he forgot to take his medicine (Ritalin) and couldn't even walk one step. Today I texted That One since she took him to PT and asked if he was indeed discharged. That was the first she had heard of that. I showed a coworker her reply text and coworker laughed out loud so I knew it wasn't just me. The text read: Did we get any closing evaluation, seems like there would have been some notes for his doctors.
It's comical, yet extremely sad. He cannot walk. His doctors are do not read PT reports to plan their next step of action. Evaluation? Hmmm, he can't walk. This 40 year old refuses to purchase health insurance yet feels like the medical field caters to the patient like this is the only patient they see. Very weird.
I have to go on a business trip June 1 and 2 and told SS they could come with us and entertain him in hotel, come to our house, or they could have him in their town. The Other One replied first saying she would come one night. That One then volunteered for the 2nd night. What a relief. I have been doing this weekend trips across our state since September and have gauged OH's decline by them. Nine months ago he left the hotel and road a trolley by himself and walked 4 blocks back to the hotel. No problems. 8 months he was in a wheelchair. Five months I found him in his wheelchair asleep in the lobby of the hotel. Three months I didn't bring him as we passed through the SS town on the way. When I signed up for this assignment I looked forward to the get-aways with him. Now I'm burdened with trying to find someone to keep him. In October I have to be gone five days!

 

[imsoblue]

I thought about starting a new thread entitled GUILT. We were invited to Son #1 for dinner tonight and grandkids. It began to storm and I've never had to deal with OH in wheelchair and rain (and soon, summer heat). It takes him forever to get from the car to the house. I have ramps but there's places he has to walk or stand up since I can't get the chair over the threshold with him in it. I'm little. He's not. DIL called and insisted he come which was so nice and we did. Had a great time. On our return, it must have been 30 minutes for him to get in the house from the car. I came in the house and put my pajamas on and went back to keep guiding him. Finally I got him in and I asked, "Do you want a brownie?" Yes he did and he wanted it with ice cream. Oh, but not the ice cream in the freezer in the kitchen, the ice cream in the freezer in the garage. I said sorry, it's this one or none. I had run out of gas. He threatened me with "I'll get it myself then." I told him don't spoil this nice night we've just had by being so difficult. I'm a carer but I am not a super carer. I worried "what would SS say?" and then I remembered this is how I raised my boys. I did not give in to their whims. I set boundaries of things I can and will do for you. I'm sorry you can't get up and get your own ice cream but chocolate mint chip is as good as cookie dough tonight! I'm tired! Demanding, selfish, lacking empathy....all those words again. He did eat what I offered and didn't pout too long. I never thought I'd be acting like a mother again. I hate it.