Care home - when?

[KatieSimpson]

My mum’s recently diagnosed with mixed dementia. My dad died suddenly and unexpectedly last year and my mum lives 100 miles from family. We realised immediately that she had serious memory problems and she’s had a live in carer since. She hates being in her home (which she doesn’t recognise despite living there for 30 years), is very lonely and desperate to live near family.
We found her a lovely flat in a retirement village nearby but her condition has deteriorated and we don’t feel she will be able to cope with just drop in support. The village has a dementia care home on site and they’ve suggested we consider that. It feels too soon but she is keen and desperate for friends and company. Even finding the flat took over 6 months so I am reasoning that by the time the care home place comes up, she’s going to be more dependent than she is now.
I am worried about how she’ll react to the reality of the care home setting.
What have others done in this situation?
Any experiences of a loved one moving into a care home in a lovely dementia focused village a bit early?

 

[Collywobbles]

It sounds like she will have to move into the dementia care home eventually anyway. With a live-in carer, from outside your situation, it doesn’t seem too early at all. It might be just the right time.

Any move will be inevitably be disorientating, so maybe making one move straight into the care home, would be easier on her (and the family) than having two moves - possibly in quick succession - and two potential upsets.

 

[Sarasa]

Welcome to Dementia Support Forum @KatieSimpson. This is a very friendly and supportive place, so I'm glad you've found us.
I think when you start asking the question about whether it is time to consider a care home, the time to start looking for one has arrived. If you like the care home I'd put your mum's name down for it. You can always turn the place down if you still think she wouldn't be ready, but from what you've said about not recognising her home I think she is ready for a care home now.
Good care homes have loads of activities on, and is she is near you you can take her out for coffee or a drive. I moved my mum into care when she still seemed pretty together to people who didn't know her well. She still recognised her flat and could look after herself after a fashion. She was, however, becoming more paranoid about her neighbours stealing from her and was prone to spectacular meltdowns when she did reckless things. Mum hated it at first, but she would have been unhappy wherever she was and at least I knew she was safe and well looked after.
I'm sure others will be along soon with their tips and suggestions but in the meantime maybe have a look at some of the other threads about moving into care.
Moving to a Care Home

 

[Canna]

We thought my mum would hate moving into a care home. She'd always been fiercely independent, loved her own home, and although she was sociable, she also liked her own space. However, although she was mobile, she no longer recognised the home she'd lived in for 15 years - thinking back, this must have been frightening for her, even if she'd never have admitted it. She was there on her own (although with family and carers going in multiple times a day) - and she was lonely.

She settled in to her care home remarkably quickly, enjoyed the company of the carers and the other residents, and talked about her new friends (even if she could never remember their names). The care home manager, who was just lovely, mentioned to us once that it was often easier for someone to move 'early' rather than later on because they found it easier to settle in.

 

[Liiz]

This has been comforting for me to read today. My mum 70 years, diagnosed Dec 22. She recently (maybe over the past month or so) does not recognise her home as her home anymore after being here for 37+ years. It's heart-breaking for my dad to hear along with myself, this was my childhood home. My dad along with myself are carers but I have wondered how long we can sustain this. It is almost an inevitability that a full time care home is the only option. If it wasn't for my dad being here still (although he has his own health problems, 2 spells in hospital since Dec 23) my mum would be in a care home a long time ago.

Although upsetting, for us the family to witness. I think the fact there will be so much social interaction from the care home is a great thing. Also, you will able to live your life a bit more, knowing she has social interaction and is safe.

 

[GlennBurch]

Each case is individual, and a person's reaction to a new environment may be different. Some people adapt successfully and find new friends while receiving the care and support they need. For others, this can be a difficult transition, especially if they feel lost or dissatisfied with the care home environment.

 

[ChaceSoto]

Not an easy situation for you and your family. It is important to carefully weigh all your options and make the decision that is best for your mom's health and comfort. You can try to discuss this decision with your mother, taking into account her wishes and feelings.

 

[KatieSimpson]

Just to update, the visit to the care home went far better than expected. My mum kept commenting that all the other people there seemed so normal! Which was quite funny as they were all very like my mum. She was very reassured to chat to a new resident who told her how much she loved it there and most importantly that she felt so safe. That really resonated with my mum as her main problem is that she doesn’t feel safe at the moment because she doesn’t recognise her own home. So, we are on the waiting list… Meanwhile mum keeps calling to ask me when she can move!

 

[Sarasa]

That’s great news @KatieSimpson . I hope a place comes up quickly.