Can’t stop crying

[Bevhar]

I feel so low I’ve been trying hard to not cause anything my husband can get annoyed with Unfortunately my husband brought some pineapple juice in from our outside fridge I had no room in the fridge indoors so asked him to take it out I knew he wasn’t happy he then went to go upstairs & I asked him to take the washing up with him he made a remark & refused to do it
The reason I asked him is because my mobility is awful I’ve have another fall today He then stormed downstairs & went in the garden I asked him to come back in & he shouted I don’t want to I’ve been crying ever since All empathy has gone he was always a very kind & considerate husband Im finding this all so stressful we’ve only just started this journey but I don’t feel I can go on I know im weak I just don’t want to be here anymore My daughters would make sure he was ok if I wasn’t around The oldest has always been a Daddy’s girl This life is a living nightmare To all my friends im coping as I try not to say how hard it is

 

[Izzy]

Oh @Bevhar my heart breaks for you. Is there any way you can get away for some respite? Perhaps to stay with one of your daughters. I don’t know what the situation is regarding care for your husband if you were to have a break but i think it is something that needs explored. You’re heading for carer breakdown.

Have you had a chat with anyone on the Admiral Nurse helpline? The number is here -

Get in touch with us

Dementia UK is a charity that provides Admiral Nurses for families affected by dementia. Call our Dementia Helpline to find out how we can support you.

www.dementiauk.org

 

[Bevhar]

Oh @Bevhar my heart breaks for you. Is there any way you can get away for some respite? Perhaps to stay with one of your daughters. I don’t know what the situation is regarding care for your husband if you were to have a break but i think it is something that needs explored. You’re heading for carer breakdown.

Have you had a chat with anyone on the Admiral Nurse helpline? The number is here -

Get in touch with us

Dementia UK is a charity that provides Admiral Nurses for families affected by dementia. Call our Dementia Helpline to find out how we can support you.

www.dementiauk.org

Thank you so much I would love to but I couldn’t leave him At the moment I have spoken to the Admiral nurses in the past they have been really helpful but it’s difficult to ring them when my husband is about Don't know what I’d do without this forum I know I’m not alone & feel selfish being like this but can’t see a way ahead thank you for replying it’s really helps Can I ask is it your partner you care for x

 

[Izzy]

There is no way that you’re selfish - that’s the last thing you are. I’m so glad you find the forum a comfort.

I cared for my mum, who had vascular dementia. She lived with us. She passed away almost 13 years ago. At the same time I cared for my husband who lived with Alzheimer’s for 15 years from diagnosis. He passed away 8 years ago this month.

Like you I found this forum invaluable when I was going through the hardest of times. We understand each other. Take care.

 

[Violet Jane]

I really think that you need to have a break from your husband as you appear to have reached carer breakdown. If your daughters can't help then your husband needs to go into respite or have carers come to the house and possibly overnight whilst you go away.

 

[Bevhar]

There is no way that you’re selfish - that’s the last thing you are. I’m so glad you find the forum a comfort.

I cared for my mum, who had vascular dementia. She lived with us. She passed away almost 13 years ago. At the same time I cared for my husband who lived with Alzheimer’s for 15 years from diagnosis. He passed away 8 years ago this month.

Like you I found this forum invaluable when I was going through the hardest of times. We understand each other. Take care.

That must have been very tough for you both your mother & husband What age was your husband when he got Alzheimers we’re there other family members to help you Im finding it hard enough at the moment with just my husband I miss my lovely husband it’s so sad I hope you have good family friends there for you xx

 

[Izzy]

My husband was a lot older than me - although he didn’t look it🤣. He was 71 when he was diagnosed and I was 50. He had shown signs of it for a while before diagnosis though.

Although I have no children (through choice!😍) I’m lucky to have good support from my family and friends - and of course our forum family.

 

[Alisongs]

I feel so low I’ve been trying hard to not cause anything my husband can get annoyed with Unfortunately my husband brought some pineapple juice in from our outside fridge I had no room in the fridge indoors so asked him to take it out I knew he wasn’t happy he then went to go upstairs & I asked him to take the washing up with him he made a remark & refused to do it
The reason I asked him is because my mobility is awful I’ve have another fall today He then stormed downstairs & went in the garden I asked him to come back in & he shouted I don’t want to I’ve been crying ever since All empathy has gone he was always a very kind & considerate husband Im finding this all so stressful we’ve only just started this journey but I don’t feel I can go on I know im weak I just don’t want to be here anymore My daughters would make sure he was ok if I wasn’t around The oldest has always been a Daddy’s girl This life is a living nightmare To all my friends im coping as I try not to say how hard it is

@Bevhar so sorry. Wish I could pick you up and hug you. At least you know it's the dementia not him, but it still hurts so terribly inside. Last Summer I found a freezer full of rotting food in the garage. Several hundred pounds worth. OH had kept unplugging it to put tools in the socket and often just left it. We'd emptied the freezer at the end of Lockdown, but while I was at work he'd kept moving specialities from kitchen to garage ready for Christmas. Then forgotten. I'd noticed things wre missing but he told me he must have eaten them. I spent a horrible few days unwrapping and dumping things in the food waste. We could not afford it as I was redundant with no pension at the time.
I still resent the waste and the trauma and the dementia.
Please tell your daughters what happened, if only to let off steam. They'll have some perspectives on this too. Let them love YOU and look after you too.
🤗🫂🤗🫂🤗🫂🤗🤗🫂🤗

 

[Bevhar]

My husband was a lot older than me - although he didn’t look it🤣. He was 71 when he was diagnosed and I was 50. He had shown signs of it for a while before diagnosis though.

Although I have no children (through choice!😍) I’m lucky to have good support from my family and friends - and of course our forum family.

Bless you that’s so young to have to deal with & be a carer Did you manage to still have some good times together I need advice on how to stay more positive & not get upset so easily It’s nice you come on here & help people going through similar things you’ve dealt with xx

 

[nellbelles]

Firstly don’t ever say you are weak you would have Quit long ago if that was true! People who don’t understand say crazy things to make themselves feel better! My husbands daughter told me never to take him to her house again and the social worker told me it was a wife’s job to care for her husband! BUT then I got him in for day care at a fantastic care home home where they supported him and me! Don’t give up help is out there and we here will help you access it. Please keep posting! You need help it’s at some help for all of us it’s too much to do by yourself!

 

[Izzy]

Bless you that’s so young to have to deal with & be a carer Did you manage to still have some good times together I need advice on how to stay more positive & not get upset so easily It’s nice you come on here & help people going through similar things you’ve dealt with xx

Aw thank you. I was working full time but I had a really good care package to support mum then Bill.

Yes we did have good times. I have so many good memories I’m a very emotional person too and I can understand you crying. I feel if you need to cry then that’s ok.

 

[Bevhar]

Aw thank you. I was working full time but I had a really good care package to support mum then Bill.

Yes we did have good times. I have so many good memories I’m a very emotional person too and I can understand you crying. I feel if you need to cry then that’s ok.

Yes I’ve always been emotional I’m glad you managed to have good times I’m must put on my big girl pants & start being more positive I must realise I’m lucky he’s still here with me Thanks for your support xx

 

[Izzy]

Yes I’ve always been emotional I’m glad you managed to have good times I’m must put on my big girl pants & start being more positive I must realise I’m lucky he’s still here with me Thanks for your support xx

😍😍

 

[jennifer1967]

ive been there when in pain with so much to do and hes doing his bit of complaining, being nasty, got to do things when he wants etc. even this week ive cried because the pain got too much and he tends to react to me being upset and stress by being the same which i dont need. he is a lot older than me [19yrs] so i was 52 when he had tia and 53 when he was diagnosed. he has copd as well so ive been taking things on since i left work in 2017.
the memantine has worked to an extent but he gets frustrated and doesnt take it completely away. yes i have kids but they have their own lives and families and jobs. its up to me to sort things out. if i dont nobody else is going to do it for me. ive finally going to get a cleaner hopefully on tuesday. i have to know my limits and ive reached them. its taken a while to admit it but you dont do any favours by keep going. this forum tells you that

 

[Bevhar]

ive been there when in pain with so much to do and hes doing his bit of complaining, being nasty, got to do things when he wants etc. even this week ive cried because the pain got too much and he tends to react to me being upset and stress by being the same which i dont need. he is a lot older than me [19yrs] so i was 52 when he had tia and 53 when he was diagnosed. he has copd as well so ive been taking things on since i left work in 2017.
the memantine has worked to an extent but he gets frustrated and doesnt take it completely away. yes i have kids but they have their own lives and families and jobs. its up to me to sort things out. if i dont nobody else is going to do it for me. ive finally going to get a cleaner hopefully on tuesday. i have to know my limits and ive reached them. its taken a while to admit it but you dont do any favours by keep going. this forum tells you that

My daughter suggested I get a cleaner I find it hard being so immobile I was always very busy & capable this getting old is tough Must have been very hard for you being so young when he was diagnosed Yes I don’t want to burden my children That’s why im so glad I found this forum I can get things off my chest & share with people who understand I’m only at the beginning of this journey & I’m already worn out I sometimes think a good cry can help Thanks for your reply it helps knowing I’m not alone xx

 

[maggie6445]

@Bevhar , I'm sorry your finding things so tough at the moment. Please consider a day care centre.

My OH and I go to cafes and dementia clubs but I needed some time to do normal things. Even being able to whizz around Aldi is lovely ,without pulling a trolley as he tries to push and then freezes when he spots someone yards away🤣

I'm fit and healthy,70 soon ,and OH is 78 . I need that day care day. . I also have a handyman who does my garden ,two hours a fortnight and it's nice not having to try and fit that in amongst all the other things. When we go in the garden I can relax without feeling I should be working in it.

I did used to suffer with fibromyalgia but since I went gluten free the flare ups have stopped and I've been pain free for several years but I remember how debilitating pain is.

Get some help, it makes such a difference. My OH day care is £35 a day plus £6 for two course lunch. I use his attendance allowance to pay for it🙂

Hope your pain settles and you feel more able to cope. Xx

 

[sapphire turner]

I have spent the last 7 years being a soldier, hiding my feelings, being strong and persistent. I am reaching the end of my tether tho, my physical and mental health are failing. Get help! Get it now before it’s too late! Sending love ❤️ xxx

 

[Signora C]

I feel so low I’ve been trying hard to not cause anything my husband can get annoyed with Unfortunately my husband brought some pineapple juice in from our outside fridge I had no room in the fridge indoors so asked him to take it out I knew he wasn’t happy he then went to go upstairs & I asked him to take the washing up with him he made a remark & refused to do it
The reason I asked him is because my mobility is awful I’ve have another fall today He then stormed downstairs & went in the garden I asked him to come back in & he shouted I don’t want to I’ve been crying ever since All empathy has gone he was always a very kind & considerate husband Im finding this all so stressful we’ve only just started this journey but I don’t feel I can go on I know im weak I just don’t want to be here anymore My daughters would make sure he was ok if I wasn’t around The oldest has always been a Daddy’s girl This life is a living nightmare To all my friends im coping as I try not to say how hard it is

I feel for you as my husband also has Alzhimers for the last 5 years. I got to the stage you are at and he went into a care home for a month and I recovered and stopped crying. I missed him so much I brought him home after a month. That was end of february but now he is driving me crazy with constant tuneless whistling. I can't escape bcause he does crazy things if he is on his own. One time I was so tired I went to sleep on the bed and when I woke he had set the bed on fire with me in it. fortunately I wasn't burnt and I managde to put the flames out- He also forgets where the bathroom is and pees on the furniture. I daren't take him out anymore as he is likely to drop his trousers and poop on the floor! I am lucky I have some wonderful friends who are coming to stay for 3 weeks and will help me to give me a break. Do you have anyone who could help just to give you a break' I feel as though my old age has been stolen from me and I look twenty years older than five years ago- Don't be afraid to ask for help. You deserve it.

 

[Alisongs]

@Bevhar , I'm sorry your finding things so tough at the moment. Please consider a day care centre.

My OH and I go to cafes and dementia clubs but I needed some time to do normal things. Even being able to whizz around Aldi is lovely ,without pulling a trolley as he tries to push and then freezes when he spots someone yards away🤣

I'm fit and healthy,70 soon ,and OH is 78 . I need that day care day. . I also have a handyman who does my garden ,two hours a fortnight and it's nice not having to try and fit that in amongst all the other things. When we go in the garden I can relax without feeling I should be working in it.

I did used to suffer with fibromyalgia but since I went gluten free the flare ups have stopped and I've been pain free for several years but I remember how debilitating pain is.

Get some help, it makes such a difference. My OH day care is £35 a day plus £6 for two course lunch. I use his attendance allowance to pay for it🙂

Hope your pain settles and you feel more able to cope. Xx

Gardener is a brilliant idea if you can get a cheap local one. Distraction for husband and a bit of male bonding. Help for Bevhar and social contact for them both. My gardener is an ex Marine very obliging most things done for £20UK a visit, no contract no obligation. Got him to take lawnmower away as when my husband fixed it 😂 he put it together wrong and blade flew off. Far too risky. There must be some cheap help out there. My local council has all sorts of schemes. @Bevhar please reach out to your local council. You've paid already for what they can do

 

[sdmhred]

Hello @Bevhar

You ask for help to make you feel more positive. One technique which is proven to work psychologically is to choose 3 things at the end of each day which have given you pleasure / joy or ur greatful for. You may need to think hard when you start…but perhaps seeing a flower, your daughter calling or even this forum! The brain is still plastic and if you do this consistently you will start to look and think more positively

BUT….this is no Replacement and won’t prevent carer breakdown. Please get some hekp. I’m also concerned about you falling. Have you had OT round for you to see where handles, rails may be of assistance? Also have you recently had a carers assessment? I would be wondering how help may be summonsed for you if you hurt yourself. Is your husband still able to call services if needed.

Please speak to your daughter.

much love to you xx