Continuing the thread about counselling and pre-bereavement counselling
Some days ago, Hazel commented on this thread that she would be interested to hear my views on pre-bereavement counselling. Firstly I'd like to apologise for not picking up on all the kind thoughts posted here and the many personal views expressed based on very intense, distressing personal experiences. Helen, I had no idea that your mum has been going through the AD journey for so very long. I cannot imagine how that must feel for you, and I send very great respect and much love.
As for whether 'counselling' is for 'billy no-mates' type people, well I have to confess that I come into that category, or at least it feels like it very often. I do have a sibling who has been involved with my mother's care, but his input has reduced markedly over the last few months, and besides, we had a falling out some months ago and I can't see the way back to our former relative closeness. I live alone apart from a housemate who, when he is around, can be extremely supportive, but he has his own life amd sadnesses and cannot be expected to be there to mop up my emotional incontinence. I don't, at the moment, have a workplace or work colleagues so am quite isolated and prone to sweeping depressions.
I think I would benefit very much from counselling, of the sort that was offered by my GP's practice for the regulation 8 weeks, but that is not available as I have had my quota. I have tried to get a referral to another counselling service run by a social work team, but last week I heard that they could not help me.
The pre-bereavement counselling was suggested by the social work team as they couldn't help me themselves. I suppose when it was suggested, I was quite shaken, and wanted something better than a service supplied by volunteers. And I didn't want to be expected to focus on my mum's death and come to grips with it on the basis that that was what the service was tailored towards. I want to talk about what I want to talk about. I want to set my own agenda.Perhaps I haven't understood the full potential of pre-bereavment counselling, or perhaps this particular Bereavement Service ( the service to which I was offered access and which offered to help me) hasn't quite managed to intepret what it what might offer very flexibly yet..
Yes, TP is a fantastic resource and there are fantastic examples of people giving great advice and wonderful kindness, but there are some problems, at least in my case. I cannot be fully open about the things that I need to talk about, partly because I would hate my family to know what I am thinking. Although there is a fair degree of anonymity in using aliases here, there is also scope for enough revelation to make it clear at some time that particular individuals are offloading their less than charitable thoughts about others in the same family. And some of my issues just don't bear revelation even anonymously anyway. I need to speak in confidence to another human being, not a virtual family, however supportive.
Also, with the virtual world, as some members, including Bruce and Joanne have mentioned elsewhere, it is very easy for misunderstandings to occur because of the rather faceless yet speedy way in which words appear and the occasional difficulty in understanding or conveying nuances and misinterpretations of emphasis. Even when we get to know each other's style and personality and come to think of TP members as friends, there are times when TP can be upsetting, disquieting. I am speaking personally here as someone who is a bit prone to paranoia, on the edge and worries a good deal about what other people think of me. Pathetic, I know, but I can't help it. It's part of a general lack of confidence flowing from the loss of my job four years ago. In a counselling session I can pour out my heart to one person in a confined area. On TP the world and its wife and big brother can be listening. It's just a bit spooky sometimes.
As for the principle of pre-bereavement counselling, well what I would say is that people who are involved with dementia care do deserve every support that can be brought to them if they want it. The nature of dementia, the fact that it can,as Helen knows, last for so long, the way in which personalities seem to unravel, the relentless downhill journey, the 'living' loss of loved ones, and the many many care issues around dementia which are not yet, in my opinion adequately addressed makes dementia a uniquely poignant and heart-rending condition for us all to face. Perhaps this is 'special pleading', in a world full of other heart-rending stories and perhaps what might suit me would not appeal to other carers. And yes, of course we have to accept that an ageing process and eventual loss will occur for every person, whether with dementia or without. I just think that the process of dementia presents carers with a different series of traumas for which some sort of counselling, face to face, might be a useful safety valve and support.