Will My Mum Ever Stop Hating Me?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Lisethepiece, Jun 2, 2015.

  1. Lisethepiece

    Lisethepiece Registered User

    May 3, 2015
    My Mum has been in a CH for about 3 weeks as she had suicide attempts, running away from home and basically could not even be left with a 24hr carer, so I had no choice. I have 3 brothers all of whom she says she loves, but she tells me she hates me, wants to kill me and doesnt want to see me again, because I have done this to her and she will never forgive me.

    From reading threads on here I know I am not unusual - lots of hated daughter syndromes about, but I have a question - will she ever forgive me and show me some love again or do I have to resign myself to this relationship forever?
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    This is truly horrible for you but you know you did it for the best. Keeping someone with dementia safe is no easy task as I know but you are the one in charge of the situation and must make the right decisions.

    Take comfort from that and in other ways try to move on with your life. When you take dementia out of the mix your mother loves you.
  3. carol4444

    carol4444 Registered User

    Feb 5, 2014
    Oh dear, you have to remember it's the disease talking, not your mum. In a candid, sane moment my mum will say she loves me dearly, the next day she will revert to the new, unknown mum. You have to force yourself to remember the good days with your old mum, the old mum had lovely memories and that's what counts. I think sometimes it is like being in an 'Alice in Wonderland' world where nothing is real.

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  4. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    #4 Jessbow, Jun 2, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2015
    Will she? who knows. I doubt it. Forgiveness comes from the heart, and her mentality probably stops her true emotions . The lady running round in your mothers clothes , sounding like your mum and saying these things probably wont


    You know that your old mum would categorically know you did the right thing by her.
    She wont have a word said about your brothers either ....but hey were not the big bad wolf that did this to her, were they? I am sure you and your brothers are all in agreement this is the right place.

    hang on in there, 3 weeks is a very short time to settle. She see you, she'll say it to you. Those on the front line always get hit by the shots. if you can shoulder them, carry on going, if not back away for a bit.
  5. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    It is still early days - you may find that she will forget about it eventually.

    I had a lot of very angry accusations from my mother for quite a while after she went into the CH - we were all just after her money, she was cutting us all out of her will, etc. But all this did eventually stop, and her eyes would light up when she saw me coming, although she was still asking to go home for a long time. (I used a lot of 'love lies' to cope with that.). Then, quite suddenly, she no longer knew who I was - I was just a 'nice lady' who made her cups of tea and brought her chocolate.

    You don't say how often you are visiting, but if it's at all frequent do cut it down while she's like this, and try not to feel bad about it. When things were very difficult with my mother I cut it down to once a week, but I would still have to psych myself up to go and my stomach would be in knots - it was so very stressful.

    I hope this phase will soon pass and you can enjoy some time together again. Meanwhile, I know it's very cold comfort, but it can help just a bit to remember that it's the beastly dementia talking, not the person it's got its grip on.
  6. Isabella41

    Isabella41 Registered User

    Feb 20, 2012
    Northern Ireland
    Lise, I was there with mum about 2 1/2 years ago. I was shocked at just how vocal her hatred towards me was. I used to cry the whole way home in the car. It made me very ill and at one point my husband wanted to ban me from visiting the home for the sake of my own sanity. It did settle down and the toungue lashings did stop. Then about a year ago quite out of the blue mum put her hand on my arm and said "you know Isabella you are a good daughter, i don't know what I'd have done if I hadn't got you". Well I nearly fainted with the shock!!!
    Hold on in there it does get better. The woman talking right now is not your mother but an imposter called dementia who is squatting in her body.
  7. ellejay

    ellejay Registered User

    Jan 28, 2011
    Hi Lise, When my mum first went to the CH, she never wanted to see or speak to me again for putting her in "this terrible place"
    For ages I was "My so called daughter" & she'd look at me like something she stepped in.

    It did get better, & now mum says she knows I do my best for her & she's always pleased to see me.

    As others have said, the illness is clouding your mum's thoughts, she's trying to make sense of what's happening. She probably thinks she would be perfectly capable of looking after herself & can't see why she needs to be where she is.

    Hang on to the thought that your mum is safe, fed & warm.

    Lin x
  8. chelsea girl

    chelsea girl Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    Will my mum ever stop hating me

    The situation is different with my mum. As a child she didnt show me much attention. I was a chubby child and a disappointment to her! She often told me she really wanted a boy! I am an only child whose mum had agraphobia and bad nerves, she never came to school plays etc. People with bad nerves always seem a little selfish, when my dad died all she said was "what abt me?". Now when she tells me to shut up and go away its like water off a ducks back :). Im surprised when she tells me im beautiful cos in all my life shes never told me that, but occasional now she does! Alz is a strange disease ❤
  9. shark2

    shark2 Registered User

    Aug 22, 2012
    n ireland
    Yip , my mum hates me too. She's been in a care home for 6 weeks and every time I visit she wants me to take her home. When I say I can't just yet she says she hates me :mad: I know she doesn't so I try not to take it personally but it is hard.

    Last visit she wanted to come and stay at my house whilst I was "painting her home" .(that's why I couldn't take her home :rolleyes:) I said I couldn't because I hadn't room . She gave me "the look" and informed me that she had taken me in when I turned up on her doorstep with nothing but the clothes I was stood in and I wouldn't even let her stay one night in my house. Apparently I arrived at her door when I was about 16 and she brought me in :eek::eek: You learn something new about your life every day don't you lol :rolleyes:;)
  10. Lisethepiece

    Lisethepiece Registered User

    May 3, 2015
    Thank you to all those who replied - I particularly like the 'the dementia monster is squatting in your Mum's body' analogy - that feels about right. It is hard to stay away and I keep hopingthat Mum will change and be my Mum again, but - as my husband pointed out - she hasnt been a Mum to me for years. So sad, but I am so grateful for the support on this site - its of such comfort to know that my situation is not unique, I am not the only hated daughter out there and there is somewhere for me to go to share the pain of this hideous disease.
  11. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Fife Scotland
    you are always in good company here, yes I'm glad too I'm not the bad cop all the time.
  12. Margee

    Margee Registered User

    Jun 2, 2015
    #12 Margee, Jun 3, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2015
    I'm so, so sorry you are going through this. It's so hard not to take it personally. All I can say this morning as I watch my own MIL dying slowly from this disease is that she is getting real grouchy from me just wanting to change her diaper. She has already screamed out, 'Leave me alone' in a nasty tone. I am expecting it could get worse. I have a girlfriend who's MIL meant more to her than her own mother and at the end of things, her MIL totally turned on her and screamed for her to get away from her. She had to depend on other people because the MIL would not allow her in her presence and they had been friends for many, many years. I am thinking right now that it's like having a little child that wants their own way. They want to play in the street but we have to keep them safe and they don't understand why. Try so hard not to take it personally if you can. I know ...it's so hard hon.....

    Just wanted to give you a big hug today cause I know it hurts. ((hug))
  13. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Lise, you aren't the only hated daughter by a long shot. I was on another thread here on TP not too long ago where we discussed this topic and I'll post you a link if I can figure out how.

    Come here and visit anytime you need or want to. There are times when I feel that TP is the only place I can get advice from people who are listening to me, and responding not just with advice, but knowing what it's like to experience all of this dementia madness.

    Others have said this, but please do give it time. My mother, while not suicidal like yours, but still bad in her own way, also gave me the "I can't believe you've done this to me" routine, both in the hospital and the care home; the "we really wanted a boy and you were a disappointment when you turned out to be a girl" speech; and generally difficult and nasty comments. All delivered when there was no one else to hear her, of course, and then she'd turn and be sweet as pie to the nurses or staff. Plus she adores my husband and is never unpleasant to him.

    However, three months since she moved into the CH, this behaviour has stopped. I'm not saying she is thrilled to be there, but she is no longer obsessed with "why am I here?" and "take me home," which is a huge relief.

    After moving her in to the CH, I did not visit for at least 2 weeks. My initial visits were short and never by myself. I still don't visit her by myself, in fact. You do what you need to do, to take care of yourself and never mind what other people think. The version of events that the CH staff gives me is very different from what my mother presents to me!

    I hope you will find what works for you, and some peace with the situation, eventually, Lise. Remember you are not alone.
  14. Lisethepiece

    Lisethepiece Registered User

    May 3, 2015
    Thank you so much for your lovely words - so many of your experiences resonate with me. My mum is literally like a toddler having a tantrum stamping her foot and saying 'I want, I want' I want!' I understand it isnt her, but it is pretty tough to take, especially with my Dad already having passed away three years ago - it sometimes feels like there is no one to turn to. thank goodness I have this site.
  15. Liz57

    Liz57 Registered User

    Dec 22, 2013
    Lise, I'm going through exactly the same at the moment. My mum went into a lovely care home last week and I haven't visited yet as she's being particularly difficult. I feel really guilty BUT I'm consoling myself with the view that at least she's safe, being well cared for 24 hours a day, fed and clean and she has the company she always desperately wanted. She's now getting help with assessments and referrals to the mental health team which despite me making multiple visits to the GP, she simply didn't get when she was at home. I didn't live with her but spent upwards of 5 - 6 hours a day with her. When I left, she'd be on the phone in a panic some 20 minutes later asking for her mum and dad, my dad (who died 16 years ago) or just about anyone else whom she thought had abandoned her. I naively thought I might be able to take her out for her lunch in a couple of weeks when it's her birthday, but I doubt I'll even be able to go in by then now.

    We've both done the right thing and things will improve, slowly for some I know but only a very very few don't settle eventually.
  16. Lisethepiece

    Lisethepiece Registered User

    May 3, 2015
    Hi Amy,

    Thanks for your supportive comments. I so recognise the two-faced aspect when my Mum is mean to me then sickly sweet to the care home staff. I do worry that they think I am a terrible daughter as they only get one side of the story, but I suppose their view of me really doesnt matter as long as they like Mum.

    So pleased to hear things have got easier for you and I do so hope Mum is the same and I can go and visit her again without it descending into chaos once more.
  17. Lisethepiece

    Lisethepiece Registered User

    May 3, 2015
    Liz, Thanks for your reply - it does sound like we have had a similar experience with our Mums. The bit about thinking you could take your Mum out for her birthday is the same for me. I told Mum that I would be able to take her shopping/out for lunch or back to mine as we are only down the road from the home. Like you I realise that this wont be possible right now - she would never agree to go back and would probably make a run for it or try to dive out of a window again. I was thinking about Christmas too - I so hope we will be able to bring Mum to mine that day - I cant bear to think of her in the home at that special time, but if she doesnt change I dont know if it will be possible.
  18. Liz57

    Liz57 Registered User

    Dec 22, 2013
    Christmas is a long way off but remember that the staff will make sure all the residents have a good time. She might not want to come home then!

    I did have to smile when the care home staff told me about one of mum's antics. Afternoons are a particularly difficult time for her and she's taken to asking the other ladies there why they are "in there" and getting them all fired up to make a bid for freedom. The thought of my 88 year old mum forming an escape committee rather tickled me, even if the poor care home staff have to deal with it.:D
  19. Moonflower

    Moonflower Registered User

    Mar 28, 2012
    A friend of mine had her mother in a care home, she confabulated that the residents were imprisoned by the care staff who were all Nazis. She led an escape attempt - apparently they were easy to spot as the escapees were all singing loudly.
  20. Lisethepiece

    Lisethepiece Registered User

    May 3, 2015
    That's hilarious! You do have to laugh at some of the things they do :)

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