Will My Mum Ever Stop Hating Me?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Lisethepiece, Jun 2, 2015.

  1. nessy22

    nessy22 Registered User

    Nov 22, 2014
    Lisa57, Lisethepiece and Moonflower, your last three posts cheered me up a bit as I followed this thread. My Mum also tries to get the residents together to complain about things ( no mass escape yet ) but is disheartened because they all tell her that they are happy and to calm down.

    Unfortunately Mum is not happy , I am the xxxxx of a daughter who put her in CH to suit myself and too weak to stand up to the doctors. Even more unfortunately she harks back to a difficult time we had 25 years ago and goes through this episode on a loop, it is as if she knows exactly how to hurt.

    It helps me to try to look through her eyes: even though we resolved the issue at the time she has forgotten that, and also perhaps never really forgave so it niggled. All I can hope for is that she links on to nicer memories and this obsession stops. Some of the post here have given me some hope:).
  2. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Fife Scotland
    I have a friend who is a social co-ordinator in a home in Australia, she said the other week there they had a lockdown as one of the residents escaped.
  3. Moonflower

    Moonflower Registered User

    Mar 28, 2012
    This may stop with time. When my mum first went into the care home she put a lot of effort into trying to get others to complain with her. She found out from staff what time meals were, wrote it down, copied it out for each resident and then sat and watched the clock so she could complain if a meal was 5 minutes late.
    She claimed that the other residents were really pleased to get the pieces of paper but never managed to get the complaints going. Eventually she stopped. Interestingly, there were - and are - monthly meetings between residents and the manager where they are encouraged to express any discontent, and mum never contributed to them. I don't actually think it was anything to do with meal times, I think it was a protest about the loss of control she experienced going from a home she ran into a home run by others.
  4. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    don't give up hope

    nessy and all the others here with difficult mother-daughter relationships:

    definitely don't give up hope!

    I visited my mother yesterday (admittedly, with my husband, and only for an hour or so) for the first time in a few weeks and there was, for the third or maybe fourth visit in a row, no sign of anything nasty directed at me. Sure, there are still some complaints, but mostly now it's along the lines of "this place isn't so bad" or sometimes even "this place is pretty nice." There are still confabulations and confusion galore, but things are definitely calming down.

    I LOVE the stories about organising resistance and mass breakouts...with singing!
  5. Lisethepiece

    Lisethepiece Registered User

    May 3, 2015
    So many judgemental comments about CHs

    Have others experienced judgemental comments about putting their parent in a CH. People and the media preach about the fact that it's such an honourable thing to do to care for your parent at home as opposed to putting them in a CH. I don't think people understand dementia. We were forced to put Mum in. cH for her own safety.
  6. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    Everybody whose opinion I cared about agreed it was the right thing to do. Personally, I didn't give a stuff about anyone else and because I didn't go around hand-wringing or saying I felt guilty (because I didn't), I rather suspect no-one had the bottle to suggest to my face that I was doing the wrong thing. I'm afraid I would have 'defriended' them PDQ if they had. It was the right decision for Mum and the right decision for me. No-one else mattered. I'm afraid I'm not a person who thinks being looked after at home by a resentful carer or trying to cope unsuccessfully on your own is a better option than a well-chosen CH anyway. For both my mum and MIL, the move improved their lives immensely.

    Any criticism is similar to so-called armchair generals who want to send in the troops - as long as it's not their own son in the firing line.

    Ignore them.
  7. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    Just tell them you admire their saintliness and if they would care to give you respite you might be able to carry on longer. Suggest they care for parent for two weeks to start with.
  8. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    I have also met with judgmental comments, generally from people who don't understand the situation. I agree they can try caring for my mother in their home for a few weeks and then tell me how that goes.

    I had a particularly nasty lecture from one of the neighbours, who didn't think my mother was ill, couldn't understand why she'd gone to hospital (was falling and hurting herself and wandering early in the cold with no coat and no idea of where she was or what was happening not a good reason to seek treatment? really??), and why I had "forced" her to go into a CH. There is no reasoning with, or talking to, some people.

    Generally the people I care about, and who care about me, don't make such comments, thank goodness. I would not react well!

    So yes, Lise, it happens and I'm sorry if this has happened to you. I have learned that there is no point in engaging these people in discussion. I just say, I'm following the doctors' orders, and then change the subject. When people like this ask how she is, I say, she's okay, thank you, and then change the subject. No explanation, no excuses seems to work.

    But don't get me started on the media!
  9. Lisethepiece

    Lisethepiece Registered User

    May 3, 2015
    This was in the Daily Mail yesterday - The Office for National Statistics (ONS) says there are one million more pensioners than in 2001, yet the number in care homes increased by only 1,000. This shows more and more are being looked after in their communities as opposed to institutions — a trend that can only be good news.
    How much nicer and more dignified it is for the elderly to be looked after by their loved ones for as long as is humanly possible. How much more compassionate and socially responsible than parking them out of sight and mind in care homes...

    I thought it came across as incredibly short-sighted and self-righteous, if I hadnt put my mother in a care home when I did she may well have successfully committed suicide (she tried to through herself out of a window) - would that have been compassionate on my part?
  10. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    What really gets up my nose is now and then when some pious celebrity or other well known figure, who invariably has plenty of money to pay for live in care, says, 'I could never have put him/her in a care home!' and then bangs on about how nasty and callous we Brits are, because 'in other countries' people invariably look after their relatives themselves. Which incidentally is just not true, and completely ignores the fact that in many countries,
    a) people simply do not have any choice, and
    b) in many poorer countries there is often a lot of extended family very close by, so the care does not all fall on just one person or small family. as so often happens in the UK where families are frequently scattered.

    An Indian friend (living in India) told me that plenty of people do not care for relatives with dementia themselves - that is if they can afford a care home or live in care, both of which are comparatively far cheaper to arrange than here. Her own very elderly mother was cared for 100 miles away in her own home, by two permanent live-in carers.

    And you can bet that the above mentioned pious celebrities have hardly ever done any hands-on, 24/7 care themselves.
  11. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
  12. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    I care for hubby at home, struggling but still just managing to carry on but I know NH is a distinct possibility in the future.

    I agree totally with what has been said regarding judgementalism - those who criticise haven't a clue! I get lots of comments which often start with, "Why don't you .......? I think you should ........ " OH has been housebound for years due to physical ailments and on top of that, vascular dementia, yet they suggest going to keep fit as it is such fun and would cheer him up.

    CH/NH is not our choice, the decision is taken from us, Alzheimers/dementia and other health conditions make the decision and, in spite of knowing that we are doing what is best for our loved ones, we have the deep sadness that "those people" know nothing about in their own smug world.
  13. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Fife Scotland
    Lilac I agree, people just don't know until it happens to them, and then they will come crying, saying they need your help as you coped so well.

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