Why do we have siblings who won't help?

[Violet Jane]

Whether one can forgive a family member who does little to help, stands on the side lines or just disappears is very individual. My brother never visited our mother in the care home even though he only lived a seven minute drive away unless I was with him. But - and it is a big but - he did deal with my mother's finances and everything to do with her house which was let whilst she was in care. That was a lot of work and I'm grateful to him for that. My sister lives in Canada and I was more annoyed with her for not doing a few little things such as sending postcards and photographs which I could talk about with our mother. I don't remember her giving me much support either but at least she didn't oppose things which were needed.

I really can't understand adult children not supporting their carer parent whilst the parent with dementia is still living at home. They are turning their back on both parents.

I don't know how these people can live with themselves but no doubt they find some twisted way of justifying their behaviour. I couldn't provide hands-on care to my mother but I stepped up to the plate and did a lot else, including visiting her when I found it very painful. I am happy with what I did and I have no regrets.

 

[CAL Y]

cal y: thankyou...yes its so so hard to understand...we are really alone in all this...i also had a good relationship with my girls....they just couldn't handle it...so decided to check out...an awful lot had to do with so many lockdowns...my husband never made it to a nursing home...so was in the hospital from Nov 21 til he passed Aug. 18/22..then he got the Covid...and that finally took him out...in a way it was more merciful as i see it...because if he lived...he wouldn't be able to eat because he could no longer swallow...he was confined to a wheel chair as his mobility was basically gone...i am one for dementia patients being allowed to die in the late stages...instead of doing everything to delay the inevitable...i know thats a hard concept for many...but personally i think its more inhumane to have them physically alive when they are in such pain...absolutely no quality of life...and also the emotional devestation to the family...just my 2 cents...i am happy that you did get some support...

@mojogirl . I agree with everything you say especially about the practice of not
allowing people in that condition die.
I also looked after my husband 24/7 during the whole of lockdown and was “mercifully “ saved from putting him in residential care by a diagnosis of terminal cancer, after which he only lasted six weeks. With the help of my family I managed to keep him at home and we were with him at the end.
It has been a great comfort to me to know that he had a good death with myself and sister and BIL at his side , laughing and joking as we always did together.
That might sound strange to some but we did not want the last thing he heard to be weeping and wailing.
He is also still with me. His ashes are underneath the apple tree which he planted and is the first thing I see when I open the curtains every morning.

 

[Dutchman]

@mojogirl . I agree with everything you say especially about the practice of not
allowing people in that condition die.
I also looked after my husband 24/7 during the whole of lockdown and was “mercifully “ saved from putting him in residential care by a diagnosis of terminal cancer, after which he only lasted six weeks. With the help of my family I managed to keep him at home and we were with him at the end.
It has been a great comfort to me to know that he had a good death with myself and sister and BIL at his side , laughing and joking as we always did together.
That might sound strange to some but we did not want the last thing he heard to be weeping and wailing.
He is also still with me. His ashes are underneath the apple tree which he planted and is the first thing I see when I open the curtains every morning.

In many ways, although it’s a terrible situation, going quickly is sometimes a blessing in disguise. Dementia lingers on and on and on and my Bridget is in her own small world and I never know if she’s content or anxious or just plain confused.
I sometimes think it would have been better for me if she’d gone relatively quickly but , of course that’s selfish of me. She may be quite happy and who am I to deny her that