Why do we have siblings who won't help?
- Thread starter Wildwoodflower
- Start date
@GabbyO , nice to hear from you and welcome to the forum. This is indeed an old and long running thread, but I’ve really enjoyed re-reading it. But I’d like to return to @Wildwoodflower’s original premise: why do some family members turn their backs on people with dementia?
Most of the posts here are anecdotal and very interesting. A common theme runs throughout; fractured family relationships, poor childhood experiences, anger, jealousy, etc. Yet some problems seem to come out of the blue: favoured children who appeared to have good relationships with their family are not willing to be involved. Money seems a very motivational factor in many instances, but not always. Fear of being asked to accept responsibilities they are frightened of? Probably. Why does this happen?
Most of the people posting on here as carers are children of the 1950s and 60s so we were brought up with a standard set of stereotypes, for the most part. This may be partly why many posters complain that their male siblings are the ‘invisibles’ because they would have been brought up to believe that caring roles fell to women. That was not true of my upbringing, but certainly was that of friends, and my partner, whose mother (lovely woman as she was) believed that it was not her place to discipline or direct the behaviour of her sons after they reached teenage years, because they were now ‘men’. Hence, she has three very self-centred sons who think the world revolves around them and have always had problems in their relationships with others. Of course, Dad was too busy going to work to play any part in family life, so no responsibility there.
I’d very much like to think that this is a generational thing, rather than a human nature problem. I sincerely hope that my son (my only child) will not turn his back on me if I should need care in old age, nor that my nephew and niece will do the same to my brother. At least then we may hope that some of the lessons we’ve learned as carers have been absorbed by the next generation.
I do think, however, that it’s more complicated than that and I don’t really have any more answers.
Most of the posts here are anecdotal and very interesting. A common theme runs throughout; fractured family relationships, poor childhood experiences, anger, jealousy, etc. Yet some problems seem to come out of the blue: favoured children who appeared to have good relationships with their family are not willing to be involved. Money seems a very motivational factor in many instances, but not always. Fear of being asked to accept responsibilities they are frightened of? Probably. Why does this happen?
Most of the people posting on here as carers are children of the 1950s and 60s so we were brought up with a standard set of stereotypes, for the most part. This may be partly why many posters complain that their male siblings are the ‘invisibles’ because they would have been brought up to believe that caring roles fell to women. That was not true of my upbringing, but certainly was that of friends, and my partner, whose mother (lovely woman as she was) believed that it was not her place to discipline or direct the behaviour of her sons after they reached teenage years, because they were now ‘men’. Hence, she has three very self-centred sons who think the world revolves around them and have always had problems in their relationships with others. Of course, Dad was too busy going to work to play any part in family life, so no responsibility there.
I’d very much like to think that this is a generational thing, rather than a human nature problem. I sincerely hope that my son (my only child) will not turn his back on me if I should need care in old age, nor that my nephew and niece will do the same to my brother. At least then we may hope that some of the lessons we’ve learned as carers have been absorbed by the next generation.
I do think, however, that it’s more complicated than that and I don’t really have any more answers.
Just to point out, the age of a first time mother is increasing. In 1951, it was 26.1 with an SPA of 60 i.e. child reach retirement when Mum reaches 86.
Looking at current trends average age for a first child is now 30.7 with an SPA of 68 and probably rising i.e. child reaches retirement when Mum reaches nearly 99.
It' a ticking time bomb, our kids will never be able to look after us, no matter how good their intentions.
I think its highly complex to be fair and a common theme. Caring for a parent with dementia or something else is really, really hard and sometimes you are not just battling a parent to keep them safe and cared for but also what feels like a highly complex and difficult system both against you. Add on if you have no siblings or of you have siblings who are not as involved for different reasons and siblings who are interfering or even absent. I am mid 50s feel knackered most of the time. I have friends who are retired and their whole retirement is literally caring . I don't want that for my children or even for myself to be honest. I agree there can be a sexist sort of theme going on. My Dad kind of expects me and my sister to do things but not so much my brother. However times were different when I was growing up as someone said in the thread already. I am the oldest and have always 'cared' for siblings as children and my bother (large age gap) and then in my jobs, children of my own and dogs and friends so maybe I don't know anything else but I sure would like a good long rest on a beach somewhere this morning 🤣
This is an extremely interesting subject which affects me directly too. I wish first to express to you my solidarity GabbO. I know how this feels. I have been in the thick of these emotions too. What Scarlet Lady says about the possible causes are all very valid causes. Also, what Wildwoodflower says in the initial post on page 1 is powerful and true. You will have noticed that I posted here as well. That was an extremely difficult time for me when my path crossed more with my invisible sibling. I think I had the thought, somehow, that if I tried to enable him to understand the reality as it was I might just "get there", he might just recognise the difficulties I was having in the care for my mother, that the penny might drop for him and that then we might be able to do a little more working together to make things better for my mother's sake, my sake and ultimately his sake. So I continued on, trying to communicate, albeit by email or text. He usually didn't acknowledge my communications about my mother's needs and about things which had happened...and if he did it was to make some criticism from afar. I couldn't handle phone calls from this bully of a brother - it made me too upset- and yes it made me resort to feeling like that child again with that teasing older brother who liked me "put in my place".
At some point, and this change of mindset is still not fully borne(but I am getting there) I realised that I must act without his co-operation. This happened through necessity quite suddenly after my mother had a serious fall down the stairs and broke the neck of the femur. I had to be involved and in communication with the hospital and then the Re-enablement Centre and ultimately the search for a suitable care home as the near complete loss of my mother's mobility changed things.
At this time my brother, he in his camp and me in mine, started to visit mother more than before but our communication remains severed. I do not now know if he has accepted my mother's neediness or dementia before or after her fall or her need or her to stop living alone in her own house. I also do not know when, if at all my brother will be present in this country and not holidaying away.
At this point in time I am visiting my mother 2 - 3 times per week(if I can) but also regularly visiting and emptying my mother's large house of it's contents ready for sale. Despite the fact that the house, which was our family home from my being aged 10, is just 5 minutes drive from the care home and my brother seems to be managing maybe one, even two(?)times per week to see Mum he has refrained from entering the house(which is also in a state of disrepair). It is possible that he is making a more concerted effort with visits to see Mum at the moment before he takes off for 6 weeks abroad which he has always done unannounced. My mother said she has kept telling him to "clear out the shed and garage" (maybe a clue lies here in what her 91year old socialised mind thinks about the roles of males and females) but I am getting nearer to my goal with the house (the furniture went to charity this weekend) which will most likely include the shed and the garage too.
Maybe it is because I can see the end in sight - the house and also that I will one day be able to cut my brother out of my life. He was never going to change. I couldn't make him. More importantly, for the moment, I am trying to ask myself, where is my anger at him getting me? And asking why he is like this and why he was brought up to be like this? - Where is that searching getting me? I have thought and thought about it too much. Really I know this is damaging me. I know I must get on with the job in hand including being a daughter who visits my mother. I have given up most of the fight, for the moment anyway. "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" is certainly the saying that I have now come to believe to be true, in my case at least. Yes you might be wise to try first but after that I know I must deal with what is important - seeing my mother(and she actually seems fine - I am lucky in this, yes), and to perform the duties I know she would have wanted - so sorting her house but also and very importantly looking after myself, to do what I can do and not more. It only plays into the hands of my brother to let him see my wrath but it also is detrimental to myself to feel that wrath.
At some point, and this change of mindset is still not fully borne(but I am getting there) I realised that I must act without his co-operation. This happened through necessity quite suddenly after my mother had a serious fall down the stairs and broke the neck of the femur. I had to be involved and in communication with the hospital and then the Re-enablement Centre and ultimately the search for a suitable care home as the near complete loss of my mother's mobility changed things.
At this time my brother, he in his camp and me in mine, started to visit mother more than before but our communication remains severed. I do not now know if he has accepted my mother's neediness or dementia before or after her fall or her need or her to stop living alone in her own house. I also do not know when, if at all my brother will be present in this country and not holidaying away.
At this point in time I am visiting my mother 2 - 3 times per week(if I can) but also regularly visiting and emptying my mother's large house of it's contents ready for sale. Despite the fact that the house, which was our family home from my being aged 10, is just 5 minutes drive from the care home and my brother seems to be managing maybe one, even two(?)times per week to see Mum he has refrained from entering the house(which is also in a state of disrepair). It is possible that he is making a more concerted effort with visits to see Mum at the moment before he takes off for 6 weeks abroad which he has always done unannounced. My mother said she has kept telling him to "clear out the shed and garage" (maybe a clue lies here in what her 91year old socialised mind thinks about the roles of males and females) but I am getting nearer to my goal with the house (the furniture went to charity this weekend) which will most likely include the shed and the garage too.
Maybe it is because I can see the end in sight - the house and also that I will one day be able to cut my brother out of my life. He was never going to change. I couldn't make him. More importantly, for the moment, I am trying to ask myself, where is my anger at him getting me? And asking why he is like this and why he was brought up to be like this? - Where is that searching getting me? I have thought and thought about it too much. Really I know this is damaging me. I know I must get on with the job in hand including being a daughter who visits my mother. I have given up most of the fight, for the moment anyway. "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" is certainly the saying that I have now come to believe to be true, in my case at least. Yes you might be wise to try first but after that I know I must deal with what is important - seeing my mother(and she actually seems fine - I am lucky in this, yes), and to perform the duties I know she would have wanted - so sorting her house but also and very importantly looking after myself, to do what I can do and not more. It only plays into the hands of my brother to let him see my wrath but it also is detrimental to myself to feel that wrath.
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Hello , my two sons live less than 5 minutes away if driving, i know they are busy one phones once a week the other never calls or comes to our house to see his mum, we went to his house yesterday to drop off there Christmas cards, don't want to fall out with them so i just get on with my carer role, although things seem to be trying my patience more, but yes families or should i say some seem to distance themselves good luck keep strong.
I’d be interested to know if the same issues arise when the person requires care but doesn’t have dementia. It’s not an excuse but I think that many people, relatives included, just can’t handle dementia.
I do have a lot of sympathy for people who don’t want to deal with personal care, particularly incontinence. I think that it’s perhaps easier if it’s a spouse rather than a parent but perhaps I’m wrong about that.
Generally, I feel that the unwillingness to help is down to two things: emotional immaturity and selfishness. Some adult children just can’t step up when the parent - child role has to be reversed, sometimes because they are needy and have always been emotionally and sometimes practically dependent on their parent(s). The hostility and criticism comes from denial, a generally arrogant and selfish attitude and, possibly, guilt.
I do have a lot of sympathy for people who don’t want to deal with personal care, particularly incontinence. I think that it’s perhaps easier if it’s a spouse rather than a parent but perhaps I’m wrong about that.
Generally, I feel that the unwillingness to help is down to two things: emotional immaturity and selfishness. Some adult children just can’t step up when the parent - child role has to be reversed, sometimes because they are needy and have always been emotionally and sometimes practically dependent on their parent(s). The hostility and criticism comes from denial, a generally arrogant and selfish attitude and, possibly, guilt.
I am most of the time rendered utterly lost for words on how my brother and his kin have behaved over the last several years, it also breaks my heart the child that was given the most has no incentive to even acknowledge his mother anymore and it will be a long time before I can find it in my soul to forgive the behaviour, if ever at all.
I understand how you feel @Palerider . I too, have struggled to understand why a family I thought was close knit could behave towards my aunt as they did. I said to an Age U.K. advisor that I never thought my own family would do that and he answered very wearily, “Everyone says that.”
So we come to the big question; what drives people? Is it ‘Nature or Nurture’? Have we really progressed much beyond what the Romans knew about family relationships? Are we still the same self-serving lot we were all those years ago? It does seem that some of us are and it’s dispiriting that ‘civilisation’, such as it is, hasn’t really eradicated out baser instincts.
So we come to the big question; what drives people? Is it ‘Nature or Nurture’? Have we really progressed much beyond what the Romans knew about family relationships? Are we still the same self-serving lot we were all those years ago? It does seem that some of us are and it’s dispiriting that ‘civilisation’, such as it is, hasn’t really eradicated out baser instincts.
I think you raise an interesting point, and it's something I had toiled with at one point having read some interesting theories. The question is not nature or nurture but simply nature itself and the place of altruism.
To cut a long explanation short here is a quote from the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, with respect to altruism and the disparity with survival:
The problem of altruism is intimately connected with questions about the level at which natural selection acts. If selection acts exclusively at the individual level, favouring some individual organisms over others, then it seems that altruism cannot evolve, for behaving altruistically is disadvantageous for the individual organism itself, by definition. However, it is possible that altruism may be advantageous at the group level. A group containing lots of altruists, each ready to subordinate their own selfish interests for the greater good of the group, may well have a survival advantage over a group composed mainly or exclusively of selfish organisms. A process of between-group selection may thus allow the altruistic behaviour to evolve. Within each group, altruists will be at a selective disadvantage relative to their selfish colleagues, but the fitness of the group as a whole will be enhanced by the presence of altruists. Groups composed only or mainly of selfish organisms go extinct, leaving behind groups containing altruists.
I’ve spoken before about this in that my son doesn’t feel he wants to make the effort to visit his mum. He lives at least 6 hours away and he says the short time he’ll see his mum is not worth it. I suspect the next time is when she has her funeral and I hope he regrets his lack of care. That may seem harsh but that my feeling.
He has been mollycoddled all his life and has little responsibility. Everyone make excuses for him, you know “ oh well that’s just him” or “ that’s boys for you” but that’s not good enough. We may see him at Christmas so horay for that, let’s all be grateful
He has been mollycoddled all his life and has little responsibility. Everyone make excuses for him, you know “ oh well that’s just him” or “ that’s boys for you” but that’s not good enough. We may see him at Christmas so horay for that, let’s all be grateful
I will have to have a long discussion about altruism with you one day @Palerider
Is this why women are attracted to firefighters? (Or is it the uniform...?)
Have you really discovered why there is this distinct lack of interest because I’ve never got to the bottom of it apart from just pure selfishness. It’s like I don’t want to be bothered by it all, don’t want to have my little life altered by nasty requirements of seeing someone who can’t give me something advantageous. It’s lazy and immature.
some are scared of it. my younger son visited at easter and sat there absolutely shocked at the progress his dad has made. he tends to visit once a year with his family although does get progress reports. hes 33 now and has never known a person with dementia. my other children live nearer. 2 that see him all the time take their lead from me but banter with him and use a sense of humour. they take it as it comes and react accordingly. the other daughter doesnt want to know. thats her choice and id rather 2 willing than 2 that need pushing all the time. its a hard slog on me so i dont need more problems
I think it is more a mixture of - " Can't "look" head on at this situation, brings up emotions in me I don't want to feel, so I can pretend it is not happening if I "look the other way", learn to forget about it...and also forget about who else it is affecting(best not to dwell at all that one)...and anyway I need my space away from all that - I have busy things to attend to anyway so no time really.....and anyway, also - I don't have to do things I don't want to do really, do I?" -That is my psychoanalysis of my sibling anyway. I may or may not be right an it may not be true for all.
I sympathise with you a lot. I'm one of four children, or I was. My younger sister died in 2015, but she, me and my mum were very close, and I know she would've had no problems helping me out with Mum's alzheimers.
I also have two older brothers - there's a bit of an age gap between my brothers and me (we're all full blooded siblings). My eldest brother is out of the picture - his choice. He's been difficult to deal with for decades and I believe is quite toxic. He (like the poster's brother) is well off, kids at boarding school etc. But he just doesn't want to know - there's been no communication or gifts for close to ten years now, I thought my sister's death might have given him some common decency towards our mum, but no. He's a choatic person who gas-lights people (especially me) when he's around so frankly, I don't mind not seeing him. However in the last year or so he's been in contact with my brother and knows about mum. He's been sniffing around asking questions about mum's will, power of attourney. Him and his wife are very money orientated so I have to wonder...
My older brother is completely different. He helps out a *lot*, calls me daily etc but he lives almost an hour away from me, and I was mum's live in carer until she was sectioned (she has just been released and will go into a nursing home that has a space for her when she's recovered from her pneuomnia). I think until you're in the situation of being someone's offical or unoffical carer, it's very difficult to explain and even imagine. I can tell him about mum not eating, or being up all night - and worries about delussions and half a billion things but it's not the same as living.
My mum's currently in hospital having been sectioned two months ago but thank GOD she's finally been accepted by a nursing home - problem is she's managed to get pneumonia! I thought when she went into hospital it would be a break, and it has been, but there is so much work still - constant phone calls, health updates, finding nursing homes, not to mention fixing the house because she and my stepdad let it fall apart - and it wasn't until mum was in hospital that I noticed now bad the house had got. But that's all on my shoulders. My stepdad can't help (and wouldn't if he could) due to his own mobility and memory problems.
I'm lucky I have support from my brother but it still feels very lonely and exhausting because I'm the one everyone has to talk to - I lived with her, I know her symtoms. So I get the calls about her latest fall, or virus. I'm also a bit hampered because I can't drive (blaiming my dyspraxia and ADHD on that!)
So there's stuff he doesn't fully understand about the daily grind of caring, how mentally and physically exhausting it is. He also is keen for people to get on - including my eldest brother. He's not naive about my eldest brother's bad - and frankly toxic behaviour, but he worries I'll regret it. Unlikely. I have no desire to 'get on' with my eldest brother. For years I looked up to him before he decided our family was 'too stressful' - this from a man who reguarly threatened to kill himself due to his depression, 'functioning' alcholism and mental health issues.
I don't think there was really any discussion about me becoming mum's carer. I was living at home - always have - due to mum's mental health (long/chronic depression) and physical (cancer). I think it's almost envitable one sibling ends up the primary carer, even if all the siblings are very involved in their parents care.
I'm kind of glad my eldest brother isn't involved, because he's a self proclaimed expert on everything and if there is something he doesn't know either his wife or MIL are experts. Except on human decency and compassion. Your questions are interesting and very thought provoking.
I think a lot depends on the family structure, parent, relationships etc. Odds are any sibling that's a jerk as a kid may be the same as an adult. Yes people can mature and can change but only if they are willing to. I think to an extent (and I hate to say this) it starts with parents. At least to a degree.
Yes there are a *lot* of things at play: genetics, brain chemistry, age order, parents history/mental health/state of marriage, environment, mental health, culture...I could go on and on. But If a parent makes excuses and justifications for someone being **** - odds are they'll continue. I think it partly is to do with gender (please don't hate me for this) but most of the women I know end up caring for relations/friends/neighbors because it's expected. Women are considered care-givers, nurturers, reguardless if that's what they want. I just want to add I do know plenty of amazing men who are devoted carers too, but I think a lot of things sort of fall into women's laps because of assumptions of gender.
When one sibling picks up most of the slack it can allow other siblings to take a step back. They know mum/dad is being cared for, so they don't need to worry. For some it's out of sight, out of mind, they might be caring but unaware of the realities. One thing that's always puzzled me and actually angered me, was when I ended up caring for mum full time, I read a lot as I love researching and I kept coming back to how 'rewarding' caring was. To be honest, I never saw that, never felt it. I did it because I love my mum. We have always been close. I do it because I need to. Because it's expected of me. Because I live here and I can't ignore stuff.
One other issue could be - and I'm not excusing absentee siblings - but their perception of relationships. I don't mean in cases where there is abuse/neglect/bullying - because I think we can all understand a sibling not wanting to get involved if that was the case, but how they view relationships - both past and present.
For example, my eldest brother has a 'narrative' about his childhood, his relationship to mum, to us that is vastly different from what he remembers. He uses this narrative to justify cutting ties. I was a 'rainbow' baby - my mum lost a boy two years prior to me and had miscarriages so my brother thinks I was favored and spoiled. Maybe I was. But I was always the one to look after mum physically and emotionally from when I was quite young.
Does the sibling believe one was favored over the other etc. Perception is key, in interpersonal relationships and how we think about ourselves within a relationship. I think your relationship with your sibling(s) growing up can often set the tone for the future - especially disputes and how they were handled. Was a parent more leanient to one child consciously or sub-consciously etc. Was someone the 'baby', does gender play a factor, is there a culture/socialial pressures involved in caring etc. There are so many things at play.
Some people just can't and won't see it as 'their' responsibility. They get away with it because other people pick up the slack. Siblings - myself included tend to revert back to our childhood patterns of how we deal with siblings. Me, I hate conflict, would avoid it no matter how unhappy someone - including sibling behavoiour made me. I was a homebody, an introvert and never had Grand Plans etc so I think that set the tone -I stayed home and gradually ended up caring for my mum for over the past decade. My sister's death shattered a lot of assumptions I had about my family, my life and my eldest brother - that's when I lost faith in him. Not for myself, but that he still wouldn't talk to mum or bring his kids to see her. My sister was my best friend - but growing up when kind of hated each other. But we always had a clear sense of working together to look after mum.
I think our personalities as children do inform us as adults too. My elder brother he's always been chilled, kind and supportive - and that's how he's largely remained. My eldest brother was a born aggitator - he craved attension and conflict. He was a nightmare child (apprantly) and constantly in trouble. He's changed somewhat - he's become very right wing - but when it comes to our relationships - there's still that spark, he loves to play mind games, gas light - that's never gone.
Sorry for the long rambling post, it was a very interesting post and I'm curious what other poeple think. I do sympathize a lot with you over your brother and I completely understand your frustration that your mum enables and excuses his behaviour. I can't tell you know many people I know who have the same issue.
Weirdly my stepbrother is similar to your brother - so I'm not close to my stepdad - he's not a warm person and has been deceptive (and is) about finances. But because he lives with me I end up looking after him to a degree. His daughter is a bit involved but they have a bit of a distant relationship (he never rings his daughter). Now his son is the golden child - however he never calls about my stepdad, offers any help. He lives some distance away but is comfortably off, his wife doesn't work, they have one child who's almost a teen. I think because I'm here there's an assumption I'll sort things out. That's a nice theory but until recently I was mum's full time carer - I just didn't have time.
I think assumption is another key element. People assume that someone else will help. THat's what their sibling is there for (I imagine that's the case with your brother perhaps?) That they are closer (logistically or emotionally), that they aren't needed - or frankly they don't want the hastle. They justify that they have enough going on in their life. Some people jsut don't care, they will put their parent somewhere and forget. They don't feel they 'owe' their parent or siblings anything - especially if they'd never been made to take responsibility or they are just let off. It's always someone else's job because usually someone else (ie one of us) will take responsibility out of love, duty, responsibility, guilt, necessity, compassion, and a whole range of things.
Guilt's another primal motivator (big guiltor here!) if I *don't* do things, I feel horribly guilty. I know quite a few siblings who will pray on that too in a very unfair way - or ones that will pass judgement on your 'caring' but won't lift a finger to help and often we allow it. we don't tell the hospitals, care homes, social workers etc to our sibling because it's easier to do it ourselves, we are conditioned that it's our duty and responsibility. I sometimes wonder what would happen if we made neglectful siblings involved - obviously not talking about the amazing, supportive ones!
I also have two older brothers - there's a bit of an age gap between my brothers and me (we're all full blooded siblings). My eldest brother is out of the picture - his choice. He's been difficult to deal with for decades and I believe is quite toxic. He (like the poster's brother) is well off, kids at boarding school etc. But he just doesn't want to know - there's been no communication or gifts for close to ten years now, I thought my sister's death might have given him some common decency towards our mum, but no. He's a choatic person who gas-lights people (especially me) when he's around so frankly, I don't mind not seeing him. However in the last year or so he's been in contact with my brother and knows about mum. He's been sniffing around asking questions about mum's will, power of attourney. Him and his wife are very money orientated so I have to wonder...
My older brother is completely different. He helps out a *lot*, calls me daily etc but he lives almost an hour away from me, and I was mum's live in carer until she was sectioned (she has just been released and will go into a nursing home that has a space for her when she's recovered from her pneuomnia). I think until you're in the situation of being someone's offical or unoffical carer, it's very difficult to explain and even imagine. I can tell him about mum not eating, or being up all night - and worries about delussions and half a billion things but it's not the same as living.
My mum's currently in hospital having been sectioned two months ago but thank GOD she's finally been accepted by a nursing home - problem is she's managed to get pneumonia! I thought when she went into hospital it would be a break, and it has been, but there is so much work still - constant phone calls, health updates, finding nursing homes, not to mention fixing the house because she and my stepdad let it fall apart - and it wasn't until mum was in hospital that I noticed now bad the house had got. But that's all on my shoulders. My stepdad can't help (and wouldn't if he could) due to his own mobility and memory problems.
I'm lucky I have support from my brother but it still feels very lonely and exhausting because I'm the one everyone has to talk to - I lived with her, I know her symtoms. So I get the calls about her latest fall, or virus. I'm also a bit hampered because I can't drive (blaiming my dyspraxia and ADHD on that!)
So there's stuff he doesn't fully understand about the daily grind of caring, how mentally and physically exhausting it is. He also is keen for people to get on - including my eldest brother. He's not naive about my eldest brother's bad - and frankly toxic behaviour, but he worries I'll regret it. Unlikely. I have no desire to 'get on' with my eldest brother. For years I looked up to him before he decided our family was 'too stressful' - this from a man who reguarly threatened to kill himself due to his depression, 'functioning' alcholism and mental health issues.
I don't think there was really any discussion about me becoming mum's carer. I was living at home - always have - due to mum's mental health (long/chronic depression) and physical (cancer). I think it's almost envitable one sibling ends up the primary carer, even if all the siblings are very involved in their parents care.
I'm kind of glad my eldest brother isn't involved, because he's a self proclaimed expert on everything and if there is something he doesn't know either his wife or MIL are experts. Except on human decency and compassion. Your questions are interesting and very thought provoking.
I think a lot depends on the family structure, parent, relationships etc. Odds are any sibling that's a jerk as a kid may be the same as an adult. Yes people can mature and can change but only if they are willing to. I think to an extent (and I hate to say this) it starts with parents. At least to a degree.
Yes there are a *lot* of things at play: genetics, brain chemistry, age order, parents history/mental health/state of marriage, environment, mental health, culture...I could go on and on. But If a parent makes excuses and justifications for someone being **** - odds are they'll continue. I think it partly is to do with gender (please don't hate me for this) but most of the women I know end up caring for relations/friends/neighbors because it's expected. Women are considered care-givers, nurturers, reguardless if that's what they want. I just want to add I do know plenty of amazing men who are devoted carers too, but I think a lot of things sort of fall into women's laps because of assumptions of gender.
When one sibling picks up most of the slack it can allow other siblings to take a step back. They know mum/dad is being cared for, so they don't need to worry. For some it's out of sight, out of mind, they might be caring but unaware of the realities. One thing that's always puzzled me and actually angered me, was when I ended up caring for mum full time, I read a lot as I love researching and I kept coming back to how 'rewarding' caring was. To be honest, I never saw that, never felt it. I did it because I love my mum. We have always been close. I do it because I need to. Because it's expected of me. Because I live here and I can't ignore stuff.
One other issue could be - and I'm not excusing absentee siblings - but their perception of relationships. I don't mean in cases where there is abuse/neglect/bullying - because I think we can all understand a sibling not wanting to get involved if that was the case, but how they view relationships - both past and present.
For example, my eldest brother has a 'narrative' about his childhood, his relationship to mum, to us that is vastly different from what he remembers. He uses this narrative to justify cutting ties. I was a 'rainbow' baby - my mum lost a boy two years prior to me and had miscarriages so my brother thinks I was favored and spoiled. Maybe I was. But I was always the one to look after mum physically and emotionally from when I was quite young.
Does the sibling believe one was favored over the other etc. Perception is key, in interpersonal relationships and how we think about ourselves within a relationship. I think your relationship with your sibling(s) growing up can often set the tone for the future - especially disputes and how they were handled. Was a parent more leanient to one child consciously or sub-consciously etc. Was someone the 'baby', does gender play a factor, is there a culture/socialial pressures involved in caring etc. There are so many things at play.
Some people just can't and won't see it as 'their' responsibility. They get away with it because other people pick up the slack. Siblings - myself included tend to revert back to our childhood patterns of how we deal with siblings. Me, I hate conflict, would avoid it no matter how unhappy someone - including sibling behavoiour made me. I was a homebody, an introvert and never had Grand Plans etc so I think that set the tone -I stayed home and gradually ended up caring for my mum for over the past decade. My sister's death shattered a lot of assumptions I had about my family, my life and my eldest brother - that's when I lost faith in him. Not for myself, but that he still wouldn't talk to mum or bring his kids to see her. My sister was my best friend - but growing up when kind of hated each other. But we always had a clear sense of working together to look after mum.
I think our personalities as children do inform us as adults too. My elder brother he's always been chilled, kind and supportive - and that's how he's largely remained. My eldest brother was a born aggitator - he craved attension and conflict. He was a nightmare child (apprantly) and constantly in trouble. He's changed somewhat - he's become very right wing - but when it comes to our relationships - there's still that spark, he loves to play mind games, gas light - that's never gone.
Sorry for the long rambling post, it was a very interesting post and I'm curious what other poeple think. I do sympathize a lot with you over your brother and I completely understand your frustration that your mum enables and excuses his behaviour. I can't tell you know many people I know who have the same issue.
Weirdly my stepbrother is similar to your brother - so I'm not close to my stepdad - he's not a warm person and has been deceptive (and is) about finances. But because he lives with me I end up looking after him to a degree. His daughter is a bit involved but they have a bit of a distant relationship (he never rings his daughter). Now his son is the golden child - however he never calls about my stepdad, offers any help. He lives some distance away but is comfortably off, his wife doesn't work, they have one child who's almost a teen. I think because I'm here there's an assumption I'll sort things out. That's a nice theory but until recently I was mum's full time carer - I just didn't have time.
I think assumption is another key element. People assume that someone else will help. THat's what their sibling is there for (I imagine that's the case with your brother perhaps?) That they are closer (logistically or emotionally), that they aren't needed - or frankly they don't want the hastle. They justify that they have enough going on in their life. Some people jsut don't care, they will put their parent somewhere and forget. They don't feel they 'owe' their parent or siblings anything - especially if they'd never been made to take responsibility or they are just let off. It's always someone else's job because usually someone else (ie one of us) will take responsibility out of love, duty, responsibility, guilt, necessity, compassion, and a whole range of things.
Guilt's another primal motivator (big guiltor here!) if I *don't* do things, I feel horribly guilty. I know quite a few siblings who will pray on that too in a very unfair way - or ones that will pass judgement on your 'caring' but won't lift a finger to help and often we allow it. we don't tell the hospitals, care homes, social workers etc to our sibling because it's easier to do it ourselves, we are conditioned that it's our duty and responsibility. I sometimes wonder what would happen if we made neglectful siblings involved - obviously not talking about the amazing, supportive ones!
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And when they DO come and visit, they manage to catch the PWD when they are suddenly a bit more lucid and able to talk a bit, so off the sibling goes, taking that immediate memory with them and hanging on to it! Before and after that moment, WE are the ones who see and deal with the awful times!
Human nature is quite bizarre sometimes, and I don't think anyone will ever figure this out because to do so would require an ability to look inside the box from the outside -a conundrum because we are all inside the box
