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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,034
South East
I wouldn’t worry about the sertraline dose, it would take days to get out her system , both mum and daughter take it . It wouldn’t have any effect missing a couple of late taking them . With regards to day centre , I would put her tablet in original box with directions on and give them to driver or at least if mum has them make the driver aware and perhaps ring the centre to make sure they have them .agree you would be best to go over early and help mum to be ready and can then lock up etc, I wouldn’t tell her before either , I only tell mum an hour or so before anything . I had to give mums club a list of her medication even though she has hers with breakfast and they won’t need to administer them it’s in case she is poorly so I would think you would need to let them know all of Mums medication . Sorry if you have already mentioned this in your post (have brain fail today) . Mum too is more confused at the moment , she stares at me constantly from early evening until she goes to bed . Had a struggle to get her to club Monday , she came out her room ready to go in her pyjamas , I suggested she change in to warmer clothes so she went back in and shut the door and didn’t come out for 2 hours , I kept knocking in door and offering a cuppa etc but she refused to answer me . I went out to garden as I was getting frustrated and upset at the thought of losing my only few hours a week to get a break , then I decided there was only me who could change it so I went back in happy and bubbly even though I wasn’t feeling anything remotely like that and said come on Mum , glad rags on ladies are waiting for you . She got ready and off we went 2 hours later . Staff were amazing , cuddled her and said they had missed her and pushed me out the door and off she went happy as Larry . I know you have said your mum isn’t a social butterfly but she may enjoy it , stranger things have happened , she may feel happy and comfortable as around people who are similar and ask nothing of her in terms of conversation , memory etc. I have found the staff to be brilliant and really put people at ease. Fingers crossed it goes well for you . Sending hugs . X
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,544
cornwall
Thanks @Bikerbeth @Woohoo xx Its not been best few days, Poor mum was quite confused and upset Sunday and Monday and also this afternoon. She was upset On Sunday and Monday that sis was going home on Monday lunchtime. Sis said she wasn't too bad during morning and early afternoon on Sunday but in the afternoon she was obviously sundowning and had forgot who sis was.
Sis and mum came over to our house about half four and mum looked quite sad and confused and a bit scared. She kept asking who was going to look after her, as she had been poorly and sis had been looking after her and she couldn't manage on her own. She said quite a few times that she didn't know that sis was related to her, she said she knew who I was but not sis. That's a bit of a change as I'm usually one she doesn't know.
She kept asking what she would do when sis went home so sis and said that I would still be here and looking after her and mum asked if I would know what to do? seems she had forgot that I have been looking after. She kept asking how I would get there to look after her as I didn't have a car like sis and she couldn't come to mine on her own.
She was okay to stay for dinner and a while after though she did keep asking the same questions. Sis took her home about 8 and she said she was ok when she was there and she asked sis to write down that she was picking her up tomorrow and bringing her to mine so she knew what was happening.
About 9 mum rang me and was confused again about who had left her note about monday and again told us to keep saying who we were and that she was losing it cos she didn't know who people were and that had seen sis but she wasnt as upset as Saturday night.
On Monday when sis brought mum to mine she was the same again, quiet, subdued and sounding a bit scared about who was going to look after her when sis went home and how I would be able to look after her.
She said she couldn't do anything anymore, couldn't cook, didn't know how to use washer or when to do things bless her, she was really sad so i tried to make her feel better and say she could do these with help and we didn't mind helping and tried to talk about things she could do with help as if she could do them on her own.
When sis was getting ready to leave about 12 she realised she hadn't given mum her mid morning tablets when she went over to give her tablets and pick her up as mum was waiting with coat on to come to mine.:eek: The vitamin d and folic acid probably didn't matter but the sertraline was more of a shame if she missed it as thats the one for her anxiety and agitation so sis went back to mums to get it before she left.
Once sis left mum still asked on and off for a while who would look after her and how would I manage without car but she was ok about being at mine with me. In the afternoon she seemed to forget about sis and instead she kept asking about where she lived and how she got there and acting like she had just moved there and didn't like it because it was too far to walk to mine when she always had walked here before, which is wrong but she has a tendency to think this now.
She recognised house when she got home and seemed ok when we left but when I got in I rang her but she didn't answer as was at loo. I rang back few minutes later and she said I was just going to ring you. Turned out she thought I was 'friend' and she had been at mine, she had totally forgot about sis being here earlier. She said she was sorry she couldn't understand why mixing me up all the time so I tried to play it down and say it was just cos she was tired and had been ok in day.
The weirdest thing she said was when she was checking who I was she read out mine and hubbys name and phone number from her address book and said is that you? and I said yes, but then she said but I thought that was friends name and number. So now it seems that besides seeing and hearing me she often doesn't recognise me and thinks its 'friend' even when looks at photos of me says thats our andie not you, also now she can read my name out and think it means 'friends' name !!!!!:confused:
She wasn't too bad today until about 4. We'd popped to aldi early afternoon and got something for dinner and about 4 she kept asking what we were having. On about the 8th time in 10 minutes of asking she noticed I called her mum while telling her what we were having and she said Are you my daughter? Are you our Andrea? and so she was quite confused about who I was again. She kept asking on and off in between watching tv ,when hubby came and when we had dinner until we left at half 7. She kept looking at us as if she was trying to think who we were but luckily even though she was confused she seemed quite calm but still a bit sad.
We called for hubbys bp medication on way home so we were a little longer than normal and when we got in I saw mum had called our home phone a few times so I rang her back. She said she'd been trying to ring me because she wanted to tell me she hadn't been well and didn't know if I knew about it. She had forgot I had been today, said she thought someone had been but didn't know who. She said I keep being confused and don't know who people are or what I'm doing. She was pleased I knew about her and had been going but sorry didn't know it was me.She asked if I would go again and seemed ok about me going tomorrow and after a bit we said night etc. She sounded quiet and confused again.
Its so upsetting that she is confused and worried about it and scared about who is going to look after her as she thinks she can't look after herself. :(
SW emailed sis today and said the care agencys they use aren't able to do mums carer visits so its gone out to brokerage now which she'd thought it would. She also said she has organised day centre visit for next week on wednesday and transport will be picking her up at 8.30.
I've not told mum yet, I'm not sure what I'm going to say yet. Mum will struggle to be ready for 8.30, she's not been getting up till nearly that time lately and she will get herself in a tiz and probably not sleep night before then be at loo all morning because she does that when has to go somewhere and then she says she can't go.If she does go then she will panic about locking doors. It takes ages to get her out of house most times with lots of checking and asking if locked doors and she hasn't left it on her own for months.
I'm wondering if I should get hubby to drop me off at mums on his way to work about half 7 that morning so I can get her up and be there while she gets ready and when she leaves so I can lock up and she won't have to worry about it. I had thought about going through for time due home so didn't have to come in to empty house on own. Don't know if this is good idea or not but really worried how will manage on her own and so is sis.
I also don't know what we're supposed to do with mums tablets and paying for transport. When we went for quick visit before manager said they would give us a bill for cost of day care and meal (SS pay most but not all) but I don't think she said what we did about paying transport. She also said they can give mum her tablets as long as still in box with label saying when to give, but I had thought if mum did go that first time or so she went I would take her and I could drop tablets off and tell them what to give her when, her tablet boxes just say how many to take a day but not the time of day as we worked that out for when suited mum best, but now I will have to give mum them to take and bring back herself.:eek:
Feeling rather stressed and panicky about it, apologies for long ramble again x
Hi. I would give the tablets to the driver in a bag with your mum’s name on it..
If you tell your mum about going out it would be the “default no” so don’t tell her otherwise she will get herself worked up and so will you.
Day care normally send out the bill about a month /week later(They did in dad’s case)
You are trying to keep her at home in doing so you have to try these things..It will take a while for her to get used to it but you never know.
I used to send dad to daycare once a month for a bath (cannot do that at home) and to socialise. (Dad not keen on “old”people or mixing unless on his terms)I no longer send him as he gets carsick and his mobility has got worse.(wheelchair). But it did him good to get out ..You need to step back and smile and be all jolly .Otherwise your mum will pick it up.
I don’t mean to upset you but you need to worry about YOUR health.(I had to because I couldn’t cope with worrying about dad and being diagnosed with Osteoarthritis.)This could go on for years....
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,034
South East
Yes sorry I meant to put that , club have my email and bill me a month later . Did you fill out all the forms ? I had a few to do, contact details, medication , all about me (about your mums hobbies, likes/dislikes . I did them on mums taster session , if you went in on mums first day they may be able to do what they did with me and that’s hide me out of the way to fill it all in and then disappear out the door when done . Maybe worth a call to them to go through it if you can or sister . Absolutely you have to be like I said before bright s d breeze and happy , if you seem anxious she will feed off it and feel there is a reason to be that way , if you are happy she will see and feel that and be happy too and go along in a better frame of mind and more open to accepting it . It’s hard I know , when I thought if I don’t do this I will never get any time of my own it clears and focuses the mind and attitude . Good luck , you can do this :) . X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,313
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woohoo @TNJJ xx
I think I will come over then and help her get ready and hopefully see her on to bus.
I'll put strip of tablets in the proper labelled box and pop a note with them in a bag saying how mum usually has them. I think I 'll give the day centre an email or ring beforehand to tell them mum has tablets and check on paying.
When we went before we just popped in for look round and only stayed few minutes, it wasn't a taster session manager said mum could book one but mum didnt want to and I had thought mum might go for one of those first this time and I would go in for bit to give info and tablets and male sure went, but SW has arranged it and has just said mum going next wednesday and bus will pick her up and fetch her back.
She did tell us before that she would let them know mum was reluctant and nervous and might need encouragement and would tell transport that but I don't know if she has, or if given my contact details so might be best if i contact day centre and check.
What a shame about your mum woohoo, well done on getting her there in the end. I hope I can do the same x
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,034
South East
You will get her there :)just think of the goal to get some time to yourself . It’s amazing the power it can have to spur you on . Now I have that 6 hours once a week I am like a tenacious tiger doing anything I can to get it :D. X
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,321
Bedford
Sorry to hear you have some tough days and your Mum more confused/ upset days. I agree with those who have more experience to go over there early morning for the first day care visit so you can help her get ready and locked up. Hopefully that will still give you a bit more ‘me’ time
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,313
Yorkshire
thanks @Bikerbeth @Woohoo xx I'll try my best to get her to go.
Don't know how she'll feel me turning up at 7.30ish in morning when she often still asleep then, that will be a shock and she'll want to know why as I don't normally go till bout 10 and she's surprised that I'm up and about then. I think I might ring her from car just before we get there so she's awake before I ring doorbell. Phone ringing will shock her but might be better than doorbell waking her up.
I'm going to have to hone my acting skills so as not to look stressed as I'm dreading it. I know mum will get flustered and upset and most probably angry and panic about it and not want to go so I'm going to have to be very thick skinned and persistently positive and try to keep calm.
And also I'm dreading it because I'll have to be up at the crack of dawn to get myself ready to leave around the time I normally get up, which is a trial anyway for me as pre staying with mum/daily visits I used to go to bed late and not get up till bout 9 now I have to be up by 7 and on Wednesday it'll be 6 :eek:
Part of me thinks mention it before so its not a shock and she doesnt accuse me of keeping secrets and deliberately not telling her and arranging things behind her back, but then again she agreed to go for look round before and on day we went she still said those things. Life with dementia is so hard, I never know whats best to do.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,422
hi @Annilou, I think avoid telling your mum if you can until they are actually there. If you tell her before hand she won't remember what you've actually said, but will probably have a vague idea that something she doesn't like is going to happen.
I'm not a natural liar but got very adept at springing things on my mum at the last minute because the alternative meant mum either refused or spent a long time berating me. Therefore her assessment for the care home was a couple of friends who'd happened to be in the area and wondered if I was too as they knew my mum lived there, so could they pop in for a cuppa. I never thought mum would buy that one, but she did.
I wouldn't say anything about it being early, just try to get there early enough so you don't have to hurry too much about getting her ready, and then 'Oh what a surprise, a friend has dropped by to take us out for a treat.'
It's all jolly hard, so {{{{hugs}}}} to you and your mum.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,034
South East
It is hard and I hate lying, (well I call it being economical with the truth ) to mum but needs must . I tried the telling her approach and it didn’t work, she forgot I had told her or got anxious and would be late getting ready . It’s difficult as it’s so early but I wouldn’t risk going back to staying there the night so it’s your only option . Would just say you didn’t realise how early it was , play dumb . Like you say it’s game face on and away you go. Good luck . X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,313
Yorkshire
Really struggled with mum today, I feel like I should be coping better now, but today it all got too much when mum was questioning who I was and I just couldn't cope with answering the questions anymore. I couldn't keep up and understand what she was asking in her mixed up questions and statements and I started crying and shaking and my insides were churning and I had to go into the bathroom for a while as I was shaking like mad. I couldn't keep still, I was sobbing and breathing really fast and loud and sort of gulping and I just couldn't calm down, I ended up standing pressed up against the wall to try to stop myself shaking and trying to calm down.
I've gotten really upset and shaky and not been able to listen and keep up and answer mum before but never as bad as this, I didn't think I was going to be able to calm down and breath normal or stop shaking.
I was in there about 20 minutes before I was breathing more normal and came out, I was still shaking and my insides were still churning but mum had started calling out to 'friend' to come on out now and I didn't like to leave her on her own too long so I went back into the room. But then mum started again and I could feel myself starting to go again and begged her to give me a bit of time to calm down and try not to worry about who I was for a while. Luckily after five minutes of her trying to ask more questions I managed to calm her down enough to leave things for a while and she was quiet and watched tv for about an hour and I eventually managed to stop shaking and my insides stop churning as much.
Unfortunately she was back to being mixed up a bit later and asking me odd questions and making odd statements again then and when hubby arrived for dinner she was adamant we both werent us and got the photos out to prove it. We did mange to make it through next hour and half without too much upset even though we werent us, hubby and I tried to just go along with what she said.
She was ok when we left to go to visit inlaws but still thought we were friend and friends hubby and was talking about me and my hubby as someone else. Five minutes after we arrived at inlaws she rang my mobile to ask where I was and why not been to see her and then after I thought she'd calmed her down and we said night she rang back a couple of minutes later and was really upset and mixed up again and sounded like she was crying or on the verge of it. It took another few minutes but I think I managed to calm her down again and we said night again with lots of love you lots.
I feel so sorry for her when she's so confused and upset and totally useless as I can't make things better for her and sometimes I really struggle to deal with it. Every day she loses who I am and every evening she thinks its friend or someone else shes spent the day with and wants to know why I havent seen her and gets upset that she doesn't know who I am or what done.
Lady from mermory clinic came yesterday to see how mums doing and we talked about how she is calmer and not as aggressive, anxious or agitated now but that she is now sad and upset when she gets mixed up. MW said she would talk to their prescribing doctors about upping mums dose from 50 to 100 to see if it helped with the being upset and sad. I said that it is a bit easier to calm her down now but awful to see her so upset.
I do think it is a bit easier to deal with and calm her when shes not as agitated and aggressive but I am still struggling and have really struggled yesterday and today. Yesterday I felt exhausted after an afternoon and early evening of her not knowing who I was and where she lived etc. After we got back home about 1/2 eight, I spent almost 1/4 an hour on phone to mum trying to reassure her again and then after a little while talking to hubby about his bp and tablets I felt all tired and funny so I ended up laying on the sofa half asleep for an hour and then going to bed.
And I've struggled again today too, at lunchtime mum got a letter from AA benefits saying sorry not made a decision yet and will be in touch soon and that set her off asking what it was and why she had it and then saying she didn't need help and she was fine etc. Then we ended up talking about her needing help and how and why I came every day, which was a bit upsetting for both of us but we didn't shout or argue about it and she seemed to calm down and we had lunch then did some housework together. But by 3 o'clock she was asking about our Andie and had forgot who I was and was questioning me to see if I was her and that was when I had my scary silly do and hid in the bathroom.
I got a bit shaky and my breathing started going faster again while I was putting out the dinner about 6 but luckily hubby was in the kitchen with me and calmed me down enough so I could hold it together and when we got in from in laws tonight and were talking about mum calling me earlier I got a bit shaky and teary too.
Hubby said he's seen me getting shaky when I talk about mum or am on the phone to her a few times. Sometimes I feel like I'm shaking inside and try really hard to stop my body shaking on the outside but my hand will still shake.
I think I should be finding things easier now I'm not staying at mums 24hrs and mum is a bit calmer on sertraline and it is easier in a way, but I still seem to be struggling to cope. I can't believe the state I got in today.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,830
North West
Really struggled with mum today, I feel like I should be coping better now, but today it all got too much when mum was questioning who I was and I just couldn't cope with answering the questions anymore. I couldn't keep up and understand what she was asking in her mixed up questions and statements and I started crying and shaking and my insides were churning and I had to go into the bathroom for a while as I was shaking like mad. I couldn't keep still, I was sobbing and breathing really fast and loud and sort of gulping and I just couldn't calm down, I ended up standing pressed up against the wall to try to stop myself shaking and trying to calm down.
I've gotten really upset and shaky and not been able to listen and keep up and answer mum before but never as bad as this, I didn't think I was going to be able to calm down and breath normal or stop shaking.
I was in there about 20 minutes before I was breathing more normal and came out, I was still shaking and my insides were still churning but mum had started calling out to 'friend' to come on out now and I didn't like to leave her on her own too long so I went back into the room. But then mum started again and I could feel myself starting to go again and begged her to give me a bit of time to calm down and try not to worry about who I was for a while. Luckily after five minutes of her trying to ask more questions I managed to calm her down enough to leave things for a while and she was quiet and watched tv for about an hour and I eventually managed to stop shaking and my insides stop churning as much.
Unfortunately she was back to being mixed up a bit later and asking me odd questions and making odd statements again then and when hubby arrived for dinner she was adamant we both werent us and got the photos out to prove it. We did mange to make it through next hour and half without too much upset even though we werent us, hubby and I tried to just go along with what she said.
She was ok when we left to go to visit inlaws but still thought we were friend and friends hubby and was talking about me and my hubby as someone else. Five minutes after we arrived at inlaws she rang my mobile to ask where I was and why not been to see her and then after I thought she'd calmed her down and we said night she rang back a couple of minutes later and was really upset and mixed up again and sounded like she was crying or on the verge of it. It took another few minutes but I think I managed to calm her down again and we said night again with lots of love you lots.
I feel so sorry for her when she's so confused and upset and totally useless as I can't make things better for her and sometimes I really struggle to deal with it. Every day she loses who I am and every evening she thinks its friend or someone else shes spent the day with and wants to know why I havent seen her and gets upset that she doesn't know who I am or what done.
Lady from mermory clinic came yesterday to see how mums doing and we talked about how she is calmer and not as aggressive, anxious or agitated now but that she is now sad and upset when she gets mixed up. MW said she would talk to their prescribing doctors about upping mums dose from 50 to 100 to see if it helped with the being upset and sad. I said that it is a bit easier to calm her down now but awful to see her so upset.
I do think it is a bit easier to deal with and calm her when shes not as agitated and aggressive but I am still struggling and have really struggled yesterday and today. Yesterday I felt exhausted after an afternoon and early evening of her not knowing who I was and where she lived etc. After we got back home about 1/2 eight, I spent almost 1/4 an hour on phone to mum trying to reassure her again and then after a little while talking to hubby about his bp and tablets I felt all tired and funny so I ended up laying on the sofa half asleep for an hour and then going to bed.
And I've struggled again today too, at lunchtime mum got a letter from AA benefits saying sorry not made a decision yet and will be in touch soon and that set her off asking what it was and why she had it and then saying she didn't need help and she was fine etc. Then we ended up talking about her needing help and how and why I came every day, which was a bit upsetting for both of us but we didn't shout or argue about it and she seemed to calm down and we had lunch then did some housework together. But by 3 o'clock she was asking about our Andie and had forgot who I was and was questioning me to see if I was her and that was when I had my scary silly do and hid in the bathroom.
I got a bit shaky and my breathing started going faster again while I was putting out the dinner about 6 but luckily hubby was in the kitchen with me and calmed me down enough so I could hold it together and when we got in from in laws tonight and were talking about mum calling me earlier I got a bit shaky and teary too.
Hubby said he's seen me getting shaky when I talk about mum or am on the phone to her a few times. Sometimes I feel like I'm shaking inside and try really hard to stop my body shaking on the outside but my hand will still shake.
I think I should be finding things easier now I'm not staying at mums 24hrs and mum is a bit calmer on sertraline and it is easier in a way, but I still seem to be struggling to cope. I can't believe the state I got in today.
I keep on reading your stories and think to myself that was me not so long ago. I don't see how you can do this for much longer @annielou and your poor mum needs a way of being able to just be who she is now. Its scary and horrible and a whole load of things to us, but to the person with dementia its a new comfort and a new way to see the world they live in in a new environment. I can understand your own anxieties, but is it fair to leave your mum medicated and alone, to impose your own sense of anxiety on your mum? I am being blunt but maybe its time to move on from where you are and let your mum be who she is in the safety of a CH
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,422
Hi @annielou, so sorry that yesterday was such a hard day for you, but I agree with@palerider. You sound in grave danger of becoming very ill and if that happens you won’t be able to care for your mum anyway.
Try and get hold of emergency social services in the morning and see if you can get some emergency respite organised.
{{{hugs}}}
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
62,129
69
Dundee
I’m so sorry that things are as they are @annielou. I agree with @Sarasa that you sound in danger of becoming very ill. Have you talked to your GP about your own health? If not I think it would be wise to do so. I would certainly contact emergency social services and tell them that you can’t cope with mum and that she needs a re-assessment of needs and if possible some respite.

Wishing you strength.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,392
Kent
Hubby said he's seen me getting shaky when I talk about mum or am on the phone to her a few times
I remember my heart rate quicken every time the phone rang when I was caring for my mother @annielou and it`s a terrible feeling. She was totally unaware of the stress she was putting me under and I knew I was the only person who could take action to reduce this pressure.

However hard you try to calm your mum down it does sound as if she needs 24/7 attention and if you are unable to provide it then residential care may be the best option.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,034
South East
Morning @annielou , I’m sorry to read of what’s been happening last few days :(. Sending you a great big hug.
Can you get sis to call sw and explain , I agree in that may be you need some respite , if mum can go in for a week or two she will be assessed then they will see for themselves how she is and then a care package can maybe put in place before she left there . You seriously do have to think about the effect it’s having on you and your hubby. Have another chat with your sister, I think she needs to know how things are affecting you . As much as you want to care for your mum full time you have to do what she needs now, not what she wants and also what is better for you too. The dementia Navigator and ladies that run the singing for brain and other courses have all said to me at separate times that it’s great that mum lives with me BUT when the time comes she doesn’t recognise me then that is time for professional 24 hr care . She has done this once when highly anxious but when it happens more than once then that is my cue to do something . Please please do take on board what everyone has said and consider getting mum in to respite for her sake and for yours too. Extra hugs sent xxxx . Take care, hope today brings less stress and anxiety . X
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
6,953
Bristol
I was getting those panic attacks 3 years ago before we moved to supported housing and C started her day centre, @annielou. I agree with the others on speaking to your GP and social services, but just wanted to say I feel for you and hope you get some more support quickly.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,544
Nottinghamshire
Hi @annielou

I’ve not commented before but I’ve followed your thread and I agree that now that your mum doesn’t recognise you it may be time to consider full time care for her. I know how hard it is to make this decision as I had to do this for my dad when he didn’t recognise his own home and thought I lived with him (I didn’t). It made me realise how anxious poor dad had been, constantly wondering where I was.
I’d started with carers at home for him who helped to keep him calm for a while but it still wasn’t enough. Once he’d settled into his care home he seemed content in his own little world and he was very well looked after.

I know you’d love to keep your mum at home but it doesn’t seem to be doing either of you any good at the moment.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
782
Hi @annielou, what I have noticed is that whilst your Mum's confusion continues and seems to be getting worse the biggest change is the effect on you - both physical and mental, this is really concerning. I think you realise that your Mum does need 24/7 care - I know I did deep down before I admitted it to myself. I saw it as a failure by me, but of course it isn't that at all in fact I kicked myself with the benefit of hindsight that I hadn't acted sooner. I think both you and you husband are now risking your own health trying to manage something that is no longer sustainable or feasible. I do really feel for you all, and I mean your Mum too, but it won't help Mum if you become really ill. I wish you all the best and hope you can get some practical resolution - even if it is respite care to give you some breathing space.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,392
Kent
I think most of us wait until there is a crisis pending before we feel able to make the decision for residential care.

I do know my mother went into residential care at a much earlier stage than my husband.

My mother lived alone and although we lived a five minute drive away we both worked full time and she was vulnerable and at risk, even though she had five days a week day care.

My husband had me with him 24/7 so I was able to keep him at home for much longer.

@annielou. It strikes me there is a crisis waiting to happen, if not with your mother, then with you. Please take care.
 

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