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imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
274
Thanks @Pete1 @Woohoo xx
I feel that mum will struggle being on her own for even a short amount of time because she was already struggling before I stayed but now I've been here 3 months she's dependant on me being here. Which may be my fault for staying here so long but she has never seemed like I could leave her.
Setting the complication of the tablets aside: I agree. I would feel the same. I do not think you have made her dependent, I believe this is where she is now. I think it's perhaps a red herring to try carers coming in. I believe, realistically, you will need to skip straight to residential. I am concerned it will take a very serious crisis to get you there though, and I think you should try to avoid that for yours and mum's sake. I hope you will forgive me, unqualified as I am, if I suggest it may be best to try a short holiday at a home to see how it could potentially go. Even if you think she will refuse to go, this cannot be put off indefinitely.

Like you I felt that Dad could maybe have managed an in-between situation with extra care but actually he has done really well in the home and my stress lifted too.

Dad went to his home for a week to recover from an invasive medical investigation, and when we needed to move him shortly afterwards we were lucky in that they had a room coming free and we felt good that he had already been there and the carers had experienced his issues and were able to help.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,700
South East
@annielou you haven’t made your mum dependent on you , that’s just what happens , I too worried that mum has now become too dependent on me and that’s why I am trying day centre and sitters, but and it’s a big but , Mum lives with us , I haven’t had to be separated from my hubby and children , I did consider that for a very short while but it would of been unsustainable. I wished there was an easy solution for you . Take care . X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,061
Yorkshire
Setting the complication of the tablets aside: I agree. I would feel the same. I do not think you have made her dependent, I believe this is where she is now. I think it's perhaps a red herring to try carers coming in. I believe, realistically, you will need to skip straight to residential. I am concerned it will take a very serious crisis to get you there though, and I think you should try to avoid that for yours and mum's sake. I hope you will forgive me, unqualified as I am, if I suggest it may be best to try a short holiday at a home to see how it could potentially go. Even if you think she will refuse to go, this cannot be put off indefinitely.

Like you I felt that Dad could maybe have managed an in-between situation with extra care but actually he has done really well in the home and my stress lifted too.

Dad went to his home for a week to recover from an invasive medical investigation, and when we needed to move him shortly afterwards we were lucky in that they had a room coming free and we felt good that he had already been there and the carers had experienced his issues and were able to help.
Thanks for your reply x
To be honest I don't really think me going home at night and me and carers coming for most of day will work either, but I think thats all that will be offered by SS so I feel like it's either that or nothing which means me staying here full time still. Which is probably what will happen.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,061
Yorkshire
@annielou you haven’t made your mum dependent on you , that’s just what happens , I too worried that mum has now become too dependent on me and that’s why I am trying day centre and sitters, but and it’s a big but , Mum lives with us , I haven’t had to be separated from my hubby and children , I did consider that for a very short while but it would of been unsustainable. I wished there was an easy solution for you . Take care . X
Thank you woohoo x its hard isn't it.
We did wonder about mum living with us but she was really wobbly on the stairs when i first came to stsy here 3 months ago and we also thought me being here would be temporary.
She is better on stairs now but still not great on them and getting up at night looking for us or forgetting where her bed worried us in case she fell down stairs so at christmas hubby made a wood stair gate and got a pressure pad for bed so we could stay at mine for christmas.
We did wonder if it worked ok if that might be a better idea to have mum stay with us but we only managed one night at mind.
As she now keeps forgetting who we are and quite often when we go over to my house for a few hours she gets agitated as she cant work out who we are and whose house it is and wants to leave and gets angry about it, so staying with us at our house now seems like it won't work.
I hope the sitter and day centre help x
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,223
South coast
I think that SS will probably offer carers about 2 hours a day. Im pretty sure that your mum needs more than that (Im actually pretty sure she needs residential care), but the SW has said (about 3 months ago - I remember you writing about it) that she has to show that carers coming in is not enough before the LA will even consider residential care.

So I would suggest that you take whatever is offered and try to arrange it so that you get a bit of time off, while you will also show that its not going to be enough. Im afraid that you have to go through the hoops before you get the help that you actually need.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,406
cornwall
Thanks for your reply x
To be honest I don't really think me going home at night and me and carers coming for most of day will work either, but I think thats all that will be offered by SS so I feel like it's either that or nothing which means me staying here full time still. Which is probably what will happen.
You have to try and to be honest it isn’t just you and your mum. There is also your husband to consider. He has been supportive but it cannot carry on indefinitely.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,061
Yorkshire
I think that SS will probably offer carers about 2 hours a day. Im pretty sure that your mum needs more than that (Im actually pretty sure she needs residential care), but the SW has said (about 3 months ago - I remember you writing about it) that she has to show that carers coming in is not enough before the LA will even consider residential care.

So I would suggest that you take whatever is offered and try to arrange it so that you get a bit of time off, while you will also show that its not going to be enough. Im afraid that you have to go through the hoops before you get the help that you actually need.
Thanks x i think you're right. We'll have to at least show we tried what they offer first. How long for and what needs to happen before they change mind is a big worry though and I am dreading it.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,061
Yorkshire
You have to try and to be honest it isn’t just you and your mum. There is also your husband to consider. He has been supportive but it cannot carry on indefinitely.
Thanks x yes I think you're right too x I'm dreading it but think we have to at try it.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,700
South East
Yes it is hard, I agree that it would probably be too much change for your mum to move in to yours whilst she is so confused , my mum does wander around trying to find toilet and her room occasionally but she did this at her home when I stayed there so I don’t feel so bad about that . Mum sleeping a lot the last few days and is getting agitated about something , I am starting to feel ever more out of my depth. Hope you get some carers in soon and can get a little time away . X
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,406
cornwall
It is the fear of the unknown that gets to us all. But if we don’t try it ,how could we possibly know if it doesn’t work.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,061
Yorkshire
Yes it is hard, I agree that it would probably be too much change for your mum to move in to yours whilst she is so confused , my mum does wander around trying to find toilet and her room occasionally but she did this at her home when I stayed there so I don’t feel so bad about that . Mum sleeping a lot the last few days and is getting agitated about something , I am starting to feel ever more out of my depth. Hope you get some carers in soon and can get a little time away . X
Oh dear I hope nothing is wrong, maybe she has cold or infection coming on or something. I hope its not the start of a new phase x
Its so hard to know what means what isn't it. I hope its just a wuick blip and she is less agitated and more awake soon X
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,700
South East
Oh dear I hope nothing is wrong, maybe she has cold or infection coming on or something. I hope its not the start of a new phase x
Its so hard to know what means what isn't it. I hope its just a wuick blip and she is less agitated and more awake soon X
She was like that when at her home with my dad , very angry and agitated and spent days in her room but she hasn’t done it so much here as I can’t have tension and atmosphere so when she has I nip it straight in the bud but I have tried today to no avail , she won’t open her door and won’t answer me so I have left her to it , just put a cup of tea , cake and banana outside her door . It’s so frustrating , it’s a phase I think . Thank you, yes it is , I find it quite baffling . Learning everyday . X
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
274
I think that SS will probably offer carers about 2 hours a day. Im pretty sure that your mum needs more than that (Im actually pretty sure she needs residential care), but the SW has said (about 3 months ago - I remember you writing about it) that she has to show that carers coming in is not enough before the LA will even consider residential care.

So I would suggest that you take whatever is offered and try to arrange it so that you get a bit of time off, while you will also show that its not going to be enough. Im afraid that you have to go through the hoops before you get the help that you actually need.
This is the awful thing isn't it, you have to let them fail, effectively, to get the help they actually need.
 

deepetshopboy

Registered User
Jul 7, 2008
252
Thanks @Pete1 @Woohoo xx
I think with breakfast or just after would be better but that does mean I can't go home over night as I'd have to be here to give her them.
If mum agreed to carers she could have someone come in morning give them but until she does that it means me staying here.
Although so far I can't see me getting another night at home anyway as each day I think I'll try, something happens and she's confused and upset so I don't. And she wasn't good Sunday after being on own Saturday night.
Sis said SW told her we could probably put our short visits if given them together as one block and use them as one longer visit and maybe add on our own extra hours to it. So we were wondering about me coming each day but some days letting carer come to do mid morning and lunch so I could come later in afternoon and some days I come mid morning and carer come to do dinner so I could go home earlier with hubby. So if we did that there'd be no me or carer here until mid morning nearly lunch time so new tablet would have to wait till then.
Or we could have a carer call in morning just do tablets and save other 2 visits up for a shorter block but mum can get up at different times and I assume from what read carers cant always turn up on time so tablet probably wouldn't be with breakfast anyway but a bit after it.
This is all if mum accepted carers and was ok on own on night and inbetween visits which so far she isn't.
I mentioned this to sis and hubby yesterday who both ended up saying do what you thinks best but Its hard to know whats best when I don't know whats going to happen.
I'm trying to think of ways that mum has carer or me here most of the time but we really can't afford to pay for long and what SS might offer prob would only add up to around an hour a day. Which leaves the rest to me.
I feel that mum will struggle being on her own for even a short amount of time because she was already struggling before I stayed but now I've been here 3 months she's dependant on me being here. Which may be my fault for staying here so long but she has never seemed like I could leave her.
Hi anni
Thanks @Pete1 @Woohoo xx
I think with breakfast or just after would be better but that does mean I can't go home over night as I'd have to be here to give her them.
If mum agreed to carers she could have someone come in morning give them but until she does that it means me staying here.
Although so far I can't see me getting another night at home anyway as each day I think I'll try, something happens and she's confused and upset so I don't. And she wasn't good Sunday after being on own Saturday night.
Sis said SW told her we could probably put our short visits if given them together as one block and use them as one longer visit and maybe add on our own extra hours to it. So we were wondering about me coming each day but some days letting carer come to do mid morning and lunch so I could come later in afternoon and some days I come mid morning and carer come to do dinner so I could go home earlier with hubby. So if we did that there'd be no me or carer here until mid morning nearly lunch time so new tablet would have to wait till then.
Or we could have a carer call in morning just do tablets and save other 2 visits up for a shorter block but mum can get up at different times and I assume from what read carers cant always turn up on time so tablet probably wouldn't be with breakfast anyway but a bit after it.
This is all if mum accepted carers and was ok on own on night and inbetween visits which so far she isn't.
I mentioned this to sis and hubby yesterday who both ended up saying do what you thinks best but Its hard to know whats best when I don't know whats going to happen.
I'm trying to think of ways that mum has carer or me here most of the time but we really can't afford to pay for long and what SS might offer prob would only add up to around an hour a day. Which leaves the rest to me.
I feel that mum will struggle being on her own for even a short amount of time because she was already struggling before I stayed but now I've been here 3 months she's dependant on me being here. Which may be my fault for staying here so long but she has never seemed like I could leave her.
hi annielou i got carers in privately last yr my dad didnt want them in but i said they were cleaners thats how i sold it to him could you try that tbh though im my situation I cannot go home ive tried i was going home but he started wandering the carer now coming is for 6 weeks she will be finished in 1/2 weeks i still havent heard from social worker as to what happens next ? Its a truly awful situation and the carer i have coming barely touches the side just gives me a hour to sit in cafe or go food shopping before I rush back im always on full alert and tenderhooks .honestly nothing seems to work and like you ive tried my dad staying last yr at my house but he was ok for a night on Fridays i got into a routine but soon ended as he was walking the bedroom at night had me up all night was threatening me and soon I stopped it so now i just dont know were it leaves me he cant live were im currently living as i dont have the room and im council so cannot just buy a house ive been trying to go through the council again no help or trying mutual exchange but im having serious doubts now as i think if i move he will be unsettled a nightmare and confused aggressive etc if he lives with me so im thinking maybe not a good idea im stuck here unable to go home at night unless the odd occasion ive got cousin coming ive no siblings and mother died in 2011.
I am
Thinking of paying for overnight carers two days /nights a week but theres no spare room here either which doesn’t help
And dads flat cluttered and a bit battered although clean if i get a live in carers for two days that will be appox £300 im thinking that is if anyone will be willing to come here and if my dad accepts carers living here as Hes questioning why the carers here why the other carer takes him out what for’ hes not a baby no no nothing wrong with my memory...’
Anyway its really hard but no must try carers daycentre etc because you cant carry on like this I'm at my wits end and its the same situation now for nearly a year and 3 months of me living here im also terrified my nosy nasty neighbors will report me ( i was reported bu a busybody in April saying to the council i was not living here grr was fuming ) i had to get dr letter explaining my dad was sick i was hes full time carer , thing is i was there but was on holiday with my dad
My case it was just try and trail and error
 
Last edited:

deepetshopboy

Registered User
Jul 7, 2008
252
Thanks @Pete1 @Woohoo xx
I think with breakfast or just after would be better but that does mean I can't go home over night as I'd have to be here to give her them.
If mum agreed to carers she could have someone come in morning give them but until she does that it means me staying here.
Although so far I can't see me getting another night at home anyway as each day I think I'll try, something happens and she's confused and upset so I don't. And she wasn't good Sunday after being on own Saturday night.
Sis said SW told her we could probably put our short visits if given them together as one block and use them as one longer visit and maybe add on our own extra hours to it. So we were wondering about me coming each day but some days letting carer come to do mid morning and lunch so I could come later in afternoon and some days I come mid morning and carer come to do dinner so I could go home earlier with hubby. So if we did that there'd be no me or carer here until mid morning nearly lunch time so new tablet would have to wait till then.
Or we could have a carer call in morning just do tablets and save other 2 visits up for a shorter block but mum can get up at different times and I assume from what read carers cant always turn up on time so tablet probably wouldn't be with breakfast anyway but a bit after it.
This is all if mum accepted carers and was ok on own on night and inbetween visits which so far she isn't.
I mentioned this to sis and hubby yesterday who both ended up saying do what you thinks best but Its hard to know whats best when I don't know whats going to happen.
I'm trying to think of ways that mum has carer or me here most of the time but we really can't afford to pay for long and what SS might offer prob would only add up to around an hour a day. Which leaves the rest to me.
I feel that mum will struggle being on her own for even a short amount of time because she was already struggling before I stayed but now I've been here 3 months she's dependant on me being here. Which may be my fault for staying here so long but she has never seemed like I could leave her.
Just try it and see if it works try and tell sw what you think might work for your mum and you the carer i have from ss stays for two hours but if you are not self fundrd think you can ask for direct payment so you can choose your times the carer that comes with ss agency they use comes around the same ( ish ) time each day
Ss should also possibly put in place night carers they dont like telling you but was told they do
Also they can get carers coming in 3 times a day morning afternoon and evening
 
Last edited:

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,173
Bedford
With reference to the tablets could your local pharmacist help. Mum had a fantastic lady who was really helpful. They might be able to advise what could be taken with what and when. I know it is hard for you to get out alone but could your ‘lovely hubby or sister’ pop to the pharmacy at some time. Apologies if you have already tried this
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,236
Is today the day the social worker comes round. If it is try to show her these posts if you don’t want to say things are really like in front of your mum. And if she suggests respite, grab it with both hands. As it says it would be a respite, a chance for both you and your mum to have a break, and plan going forwards, whether that is help at home or a permanent move to care in a managed way, rather than waiting for the inevitable crisis.
Look after you, you are just as important as your mum.
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
260
Oh, Annielou
This really sounds as though your mum is in need of much more support than you will be able to give without having a complete breakdown.
I think you would be better getting the carers in , and just tell your mum she has to have them because the Dr says so. They could give tablets and help heat up a meal, make a sandwich etc.
Then if this doesn't work it seems like she would be better off in residential care where someone will sort out all the tablets, she will have company, and not be lonely, and hopefully be less anxious. SS need to accept that you can't give up your life to care for your mum as she needs more help than you can give.
You and your family will be able to spend quality time with her when you visit.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,700
South East
Hi @annielou , how are you ? How’s things been today ? Mum went to day centre this morning , I was ridiculously cheerful and sold it as they needed volunteers , she said to them “what days do you want me “ she helped the others doing puzzles , some art and sat and had tea n toast , I had to get her to bring her home . I’m not presuming that it will be like this every time though , just grateful first time went well . Back on Monday which I’m pleased about as it’s not too big a gap. She started sundowning though and I knew it would wear her out and she has just disappeared off to her room . Hope your day has been ok ? X
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,173
Bedford
Hi @annielou , how are you ? How’s things been today ? Mum went to day centre this morning , I was ridiculously cheerful and sold it as they needed volunteers , she said to them “what days do you want me “ she helped the others doing puzzles , some art and sat and had tea n toast , I had to get her to bring her home . I’m not presuming that it will be like this every time though , just grateful first time went well . Back on Monday which I’m pleased about as it’s not too big a gap. She started sundowning though and I knew it would wear her out and she has just disappeared off to her room . Hope your day has been ok ? X
@Woohoo that sounds really positive for you and your Mum. Hope the next trip to day care goes as well.
 

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