When is the "right" time for sheltered accomodation?

[chez]

My Mother in Law, is 90, has Vascular Dementia and lives alone in a bungalow about 10 minutes drive from us. How do we make her aware that she isn't coping with day to day life and would be better moving to nearby sheltered accomodation where her sister, who she is very close to, already has a flat? Over the last few years we've gradually taken over her bills, medication, appointments, shopping etc and now have Power of Attorney for her, she is oblivious to all of this. She has lost so many friends and her social life is non existent, which she says she misses, her 92 yr old sister enjoys a full social life in her accomodation, at the same time having the privacy of her own self contained flat, within a secure building, and carers on 24 hour call. We worry about my Mother in Law, she leaves the door unlocked and goes to sleep in the chair often with the TV blasting out, we walk in and potter around with housework for an hour or so, and she doesn't wake up until we physically wake her. We have many other concerns about her wellbeing, safety and security but she is unable to understand our concerns and thinks she is "coping". We have both now retired and she asks when we are going on a holiday, we haven't had a holiday for many years as we cared for my Mum for 10+ years until I lost her 2 years ago, but we still can't go, as we daren't leave my Mother in Law for more than a few hours, and when we do leave her we worry if she's ok.
How do we make her understand that she is so forgetful, and very vulnerable living alone, and that we're worried about her......is this the right time to keep trying to persuade her to go into sheltered accomodation?

 

[SWMBO1950]

Hi Chez

It is normal when entering sheltered accommodtion for you to be able to look after yourself, which from what you say your MIL is not - unfortunately. Just realised how much I have written sorry for the long post!

My mother (now 97) went into sheltered house about 9 years ago and even had to have an interview to ensure she fitted the criteria - she only scrapped though at that time . Her scheme is private i.e. she bought her flat but I dont know what the situation would be if you were renting but from what you describe I fear she may be past the sheltered housing stage (others may disagree and feel free to correct me).

She is now similar to your MIL, but has carers twice daily and I each day go making 3 calls per day. The cost of the carers is self funding as I prefer not to have SS involved and my mother has the money so why not spend it on her own needs rather than 'save' it for a rainy day or to form part of her will. I also so not want SS tell me how to look after my mother. Care can of course be funded by SS and I am sure someone on here will be able to tell you how to get the necessary assessment

She no longer goes out unaccompanied (thank goodness) so is as safe as she can be. She has AD plus Macular Degeneration so her eyesight is very poor. She causes no problems in the complex and in fact the people who live there are very good to her.

Have you considered having carers? It certainly takes the pressure off. My mums carers step up their duties when I go for much need breaks so I know things are covered when I am not around.

The fact that she does not hear you sometimes points to to her possibly needing hearing aid/s again like my mother - she has one in each ear. Not perfect but it helps.

The chances of getting her to 'understand' she is not coping are pretty slim I would think.. they all think they are coping as in their mind they are still doing everything. The fact that we/you have gradully taken over everything does not occur to dementia sufferers. My mother did not want carers (in fact it was a devils on job to get her to move!!) but I am afraid I just had to be firm, for her own health and safety. Things work very well and she accepts the carers help without question now.

You may like to have a word with her GP as I am presuming some of her meds are for the VD (if not that may help) and also make enquiries where her sister lives but you may find this option not open to you.

I use carers and a lot of hard work on my part (I am also retired) as a way of keeping my mother out of a home (like many I know she would hate it). I am often told by the other in my mums complex how well my mother is looked after so Imust be doing something right . At the present time it is working but never say never.

Please come back and let us know how you get on. Best Wishes

My Mother in Law, is 90, has Vascular Dementia and lives alone in a bungalow about 10 minutes drive from us. How do we make her aware that she isn't coping with day to day life and would be better moving to nearby sheltered accomodation where her sister, who she is very close to, already has a flat? Over the last few years we've gradually taken over her bills, medication, appointments, shopping etc and now have Power of Attorney for her, she is oblivious to all of this. She has lost so many friends and her social life is non existent, which she says she misses, her 92 yr old sister enjoys a full social life in her accomodation, at the same time having the privacy of her own self contained flat, within a secure building, and carers on 24 hour call. We worry about my Mother in Law, she leaves the door unlocked and goes to sleep in the chair often with the TV blasting out, we walk in and potter around with housework for an hour or so, and she doesn't wake up until we physically wake her. We have many other concerns about her wellbeing, safety and security but she is unable to understand our concerns and thinks she is "coping". We have both now retired and she asks when we are going on a holiday, we haven't had a holiday for many years as we cared for my Mum for 10+ years until I lost her 2 years ago, but we still can't go, as we daren't leave my Mother in Law for more than a few hours, and when we do leave her we worry if she's ok.
How do we make her understand that she is so forgetful, and very vulnerable living alone, and that we're worried about her......is this the right time to keep trying to persuade her to go into sheltered accomodation?

 

[rajahh]

as a retired warden of sheltered housing both rented and private I have quite strong opinions about " when is the right time tomove"

The answer is that you should move into sheltered housing before you need it.!!!

From the way you describe yourMIL I would say she would not be allowed to move, as she would not come over well in the interview.

If it is assisted living sheltered housing then there may very well be some leeway, but I see it as an extra responsibility for her sister who at 92 and already settled could have her own life totally disrupted by your MIL coming tolive.

This may sound heartless, but I have seen too many elderly people move in to live the rest of their lives in total confusion as they are unable to learn all the new routines, even about where teir clothes are kept!!

Also if she is in the habit of falling asleep and leaving her door open, even if the accomodation is self enclosed with door entry she may very well put many other residents at risk by allowing anyone to enter the premises.

Jeannette

 

[tre]

I do not know whether this is applicable to your mum's sisters sheltered accommodation but where my dad lives there is a "guest suite" which is an extra flat comprising a bedroom and bathroom which can be booked for a resident's relative to stay in on a visit. if this is available maybe your mum could try using it for a visit to see how she likes it. I also think it may be too late and that it might be too much for her sister but you could at least give it a go.
Tre

 

[chez]

Thank you X

Thank you all very much for your input, it is very much appreciated. Although the role of Carer isn't new to me, caring for someone with Vascular Dementia is. I cared for my own Mum in her own bungalow for about 13 years, after my Dad died, fitting around work and family commitments, she had Macular degeneration to the point of being registered blind, was extremely deaf but hearing aids helped a little, and her bones were crumbling away with Osteoporosis, but right up to her death at the age of 93 her mind was totally "compos mentis".
We have gone down the route of trying to get hearing aids for my mother in law, but she has a build up of wax in her ears, and forgets to put the oil in for them to be syringed clean before a hearing test, when we offer to put the oil in for her, she won't let us, we asked if she would let a nurse do it from our GP practice and got an adamant "NO"......so stalemate on that one!
The social worker says she has to be assessed by an OT before she can have any Carers, so she is on a waiting list for O.T. assessment and has another 4 months wait yet before anyone can see her. Meanwhile she phones her GP surgery on a regular basis asking for someone to go round and help her to have a shower, the surgery then phone me and I confirm that she is still on a waiting list for assessment and I apologise for her phoning them all the time, but I can't stop her!
Just to clarify the position with her sister, she moved into her flat about 4 months ago and if my mother in law was to go there to live, it would be in a flat of her own, they wouldn't be sharing. All of the flats have alarm systems, walk in showers, and there are carers available 24/7. Her sister, who has physical disabilities but no dementia, has carers coming in 4 times a day to prepare meals, prompt meds and help her to bathe and dress, her laundry is done within the building each week, bedding changed, general cleaning, etc. and there is a small restaurant and residents lounge available too.
I know of a friends mother, who had dementia, and she went to live there, as her husband couldn't cope with looking after her any longer. We take her to visit her sister there once or twice every week, and she stays for the afternoon, her sister is very positive about her flat, which is also a "plus". We're going to arrange an appointment at the flats for us both to have a chat about the possibility of her living there, and then take her for assessment, if they think it's feasible. We'll be able to get her there willingly for assessment, as we've already been told that the assessment we are waiting for by the OT will be at the flats, so she'll assume that's what it is, and we'll then just take it from there, depending if they are able to accept her or not.
Thank you again X

 

[jenniferpa]

This sounds like a "very sheltered" or "extra care" scheme rather than straightforward sheltered housing. The latter (where there is normally only a warden on call) wouldn't be suitable but the former might well be. My mother was in one of these, and it worked very well up until the point came where she became bed-bound.

 

[FifiMo]

Could you not perhaps get her sister involved in persuading her to move to the flats (assuming that she is accepted by the management there)? If her sister asked her to move there so they could spend time with each other every day, do you think she would be more willing to move there? I also wondered if you could move her by stealth, by starting taking her to her sisters every day for a couple of weeks, so that she is almost living there by the time she is going to move in, if you see what i mean.

I think the place sounds great and provided you could be around to support her until she gets used to her new surroundings, given that moves often make people with dementia more confused for a while, then the move should go quite well <fingers crossed>!

Fiona