What kind of carer cant even get the basics!

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Rosserk, Oct 16, 2019.

  1. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019
    314

    I sent an email to the admiral nurses who are based at the hospital. I was advised to do so by the team looking after my dad and they gave me the direct email. I haven’t heard back from them.
     
  2. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    558
    @Rosserk, your mum might not want to go into respite but that is what she and you need right now. I hope you can get something sorted, thinking of you.
     
  3. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,724
    Female
    London
    I think the rooky mistake you're making is placing too much emphasis on what your Mum says or wants. I know this sounds horrible but now is not the time for honest discussions with her. It's time for love lies. You tell her that the new underwear is old one which you found in the drawer. You arrange respite then tell her at the last minute that she is going to a fancy hotel for a holiday. You have to become savvy but also stay compassionate - if she repeats herself just nod instead of telling her she's told you this already. The thing is you cannot change her but you can change your response and your approach.

    Plus, for getting a proper carers assessment to which you are entitled by law and should not just be done in a "what do you want us to do?" phone call from SS, you need to know what you need and want to make your caring role easier. Is it the opportunity to go out to meet other carers or just go shopping? Then ask for respite and/or a day care centre. Do you think she would react better to others giving her personal care? Then ask for carers. Be very clear about what you already do and the help she needs, and what you want the outcome to be. Assessments like this should be written down affairs. Become more feisty and demand your rights!
     
  4. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,753
    Female
    You obviously really need help, but to get it I agree with Beate that you need to work out what it is that you want SS to do. What they can offer is carer visits to help with personal care, or day care / respite to give you a break. If you tell them she will not accept those things, there is not much more they can do. They should offer an assessment, but at the end of the day those are still the options they will offer you.

    If you do want to get your mother into respite care, as Beate says you need to employ love lies to get her there. If I had waited for my mother to agree to move to a care home, I'd probably still be waiting nearly two years later!
     
  5. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,599
    keep posting - it helps plus you have a paper trail of all the issues you face daily. it’s not a rant - sadly dementia is a national crisis happening daily to soo many. It doesn’t solve anything to know you are not alone but it can help to know you are not losing your sanity & there is a major problem!

    so I to quote my husband “ made myself a major pain in the behind” ( actually it was the other word for bottom that he uses but I don’t want to cause not work for the lovely moderators!)

    I kept emailing GP, social services, community nurse, CMHT- it helps to keep pushing & not wait for the system to trundle on slowly.

    yes it’s frustrating but just keep pushing you will get there, I myself have high blood pressure & more grey hairs than ever but I keep pushing- otherwise you just give in!
     
  6. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019
    314
    @Sirena
    @Beate
    Mum is totally bored so I think I need someone to take her out a couple of times a week. Even if it’s just a walk up to Tesco’s and tea and a doughnut in the cafe so at least she’s getting out. I can’t keep her entertained nor can I keep distracting her and I’m not physically well enough to take her out.

    I’m also beating myself up because I don’t know what to expect and I keep getting caught out. The incident with her underwear, why wasn’t I on top of it, why did it come as a surprise? It’s also the constant overwhelming sadness I feel because she’s crying all the time and I can’t fix it. I’ve now got to find my dad a new care home because the hospital won’t release him to the old one due to safeguarding issues. Mum and dad both having dementia and dealing with both issues without any help is ensuring that I’m in a permanent state of distress.
     

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