What do I know?

[Anthoula]

Every time I try to explain something to OH, or I disagree with something he says all I receive is "What do you know?" , "Have you been there?", "Have you seen them/it?". Apparently I don`t know anything, except how to cook, clean, shop, take him for appointments, make sure he`s clean, dressed, fed and safe, do the gardening, deal with all repairs in the home, decorate, pay the bills etc. etc. etc. Even after 3 years of OH not being permitted to drive he is forever asking how do I know that he can not drive, and asking why I told the DVLA he should not drive! How do I know he has health issues? Nobody told him!
No, I don`t know anything!!

 

[Fugs]

@Anthoula , I don't know what to say to help. My FIL always used to say "I don't know do I?". I say this alot to my wife, which makes her laugh. I also say "Every one is entitled to their own opinion " when we don't quite agree. But I don't get the challenges that you are receiving. [Shrugs] Perhaps try blaming the Dr, or anyone else you can think of. Sorry that I can't offer more.

 

[sapphire turner]

Yes I feel your pain! People say it must be like looking after a three year old - it is all that and a lot more tho. He takes all of his frustration out on me, what do I know about anything? My terrible driving, my lack of understanding about things that need fixing in the house, even the wrong way I put his eye drops in…. I feel so angry with him most of the time even tho I know it’s not his fault. Just a daily barrage of negativity and ungratefulness - he could manage just fine without me apparently

It’s harder than people think. I survive by planning escapes, small windows of normality either with friends, going to Tesco’s or even to the tip 😹😹😹
Sending love ❤️

 

[sdmhred]

Oh @Anthoula

Its hard work isn’t it - the person with dementia always is right (even when they are not!)……it’s so hard to bit our tongue and go with that…..when everything inside is shouting out Your’e wrong!

I hope you have some escapes lined up…..I shall be much more compassionate and mindful next time at the tip…..as I clear mum’s junk I might see @sapphire turner on a brief escape 🤣🤣

 

[sapphire turner]

Haha I really love the tip! Anyone in Bristol I can def recommend the Days Rd tip the workers down there are so cheery and helpful! I had never been to the tip before as my husband insisted on doing all of the tricky man’s work, so the last couple of years have been a revelation. Can we fix it? Yes we can!
❤️

 

[canary]

Yes, its very hard, isnt it?

They are unable to comprehend that they have something wrong with them and so usually think that everything they say or do must be right.

If you say anything opposite to what they think, you must be criticising them
If you try and explain how to do something you are treating them like a child
If you try and sort out the things they have got wrong you are messing everything up
If you try and do things they can no longer do you are taking them over and preventing them doing things
And always - if someone does things differently from the way they would do it - that person must be wrong
(sigh)

 

[BuspassBill]

Every time I try to explain something to OH, or I disagree with something he says all I receive is "What do you know?" , "Have you been there?", "Have you seen them/it?". Apparently I don`t know anything, except how to cook, clean, shop, take him for appointments, make sure he`s clean, dressed, fed and safe, do the gardening, deal with all repairs in the home, decorate, pay the bills etc. etc. etc. Even after 3 years of OH not being permitted to drive he is forever asking how do I know that he can not drive, and asking why I told the DVLA he should not drive! How do I know he has health issues? Nobody told him!
No, I don`t know anything!!

Yes, its very hard, isnt it?

They are unable to comprehend that they have something wrong with them and so usually think that everything they say or do must be right.

If you say anything opposite to what they think, you must be criticising them
If you try and explain how to do something you are treating them like a child
If you try and sort out the things they have got wrong you are messing everything up
If you try and do things they can no longer do you are taking them over and preventing them doing things
And always - if someone does things differently from the way they would do it - that person must be wrong
(sigh)

Gosh, this is spot on!

 

[Anthoula]

Thank you everybody. It so comforting to know at least one thing - I`m not alone! Smiles to you all.

 

[SeaSwallow]

Oh yes, I am sure that many of us could have written that post.

 

[leny connery]

Oh yes, I am sure that many of us could have written that post.

 

[leny connery]

Yes I feel your pain! People say it must be like looking after a three year old - it is all that and a lot more tho. He takes all of his frustration out on me, what do I know about anything? My terrible driving, my lack of understanding about things that need fixing in the house, even the wrong way I put his eye drops in…. I feel so angry with him most of the time even tho I know it’s not his fault. Just a daily barrage of negativity and ungratefulness - he could manage just fine without me apparently

It’s harder than people think. I survive by planning escapes, small windows of normality either with friends, going to Tesco’s or even to the tip 😹😹😹
Sending love ❤️

 

[leny connery]

William from California wrote as the PWD diagnosed with vascular dementia. He spoke of his frustration /anger as the man 'being treated as a child' ,watched, placated when he really feels he can still do most of the things. I suppose it is hard for them as well when one by on his/her role is diminished. I must be more mindful about taking away my PWD's self respect by taking over too much, albeit necessarily so

 

[SeaSwallow]

William from California wrote as the PWD diagnosed with vascular dementia. He spoke of his frustration /anger as the man 'being treated as a child' ,watched, placated when he really feels he can still do most of the things. I suppose it is hard for them as well when one by on his/her role is diminished. I must be more mindful about taking away my PWD's self respect by taking over too much, albeit necessarily so

That is very true @leny connery and I think that it is so easy to forget that our PWDs still have their pride.

 

[Silversally]

I was exhausted after having visitors for a couple of days, although I thoroughly enjoyed it. OH says “why are you so tired.”. “Maybe a bit of stress “ I said (should not have said that). “What have you got to be stressed about?” says he.😡

 

[jay6]

What have any of us careers got to be stressed about? What do we know? Do we ever do anything right anymore?
Nice to know I'm not alone 🤣🤣

 

[JaxG]

It's hard isn't it. I find that I can go along with the negativity, the criticism, and the lack of appreciation for so long, and then I snap. It's exhausting, and one of the hardest things is that family and friends have no idea. I heard my husband telling an old work colleague that he was going to re-train and start working again. He has no short term memory, gets lost outside the house, can't work out how to use his phone of a laptop, sleeps most of the day - but what do I know!!

 

[jay6]

It's hard isn't it. I find that I can go along with the negativity, the criticism, and the lack of appreciation for so long, and then I snap. It's exhausting, and one of the hardest things is that family and friends have no idea. I heard my husband telling an old work colleague that he was going to re-train and start working again. He has no short term memory, gets lost outside the house, can't work out how to use his phone of a laptop, sleeps most of the day - but what do I know!!

Yes very hard. I'm like you, I can take it so long then can't help myself and snap. Then I get 'don't know what's wrong with you, you must be mental or something wrong with you' So it's back to my fault! and yes friends and family have absolutely no idea, especially when PWD can put on the 'host act'.
But at the end of the day 'what do we know' and why do we get so stressed? Definitely must be something wrong with us and not the PWD jax

 

[Shirleyblue]

Every time I try to explain something to OH, or I disagree with something he says all I receive is "What do you know?" , "Have you been there?", "Have you seen them/it?". Apparently I don`t know anything, except how to cook, clean, shop, take him for appointments, make sure he`s clean, dressed, fed and safe, do the gardening, deal with all repairs in the home, decorate, pay the bills etc. etc. etc. Even after 3 years of OH not being permitted to drive he is forever asking how do I know that he can not drive, and asking why I told the DVLA he should not drive! How do I know he has health issues? Nobody told him!
No, I don`t know anything!!

You’re not alone. My husband was diagnosed in November. I’ve just given up offering explanations and getting upset. I’m afraid feeling only leads to me feeling more unhappy. As you have said the bulk of the work in the house is now my task. OH does do a small amount of the cooking while I’m clearing up. To some extent I’ve just gone into robot mode otherwise I wouldn’t be able to cope.

 

[jay6]

Yes very hard. I'm like you, I can take it so long then can't help myself and snap. Then I get 'don't know what's wrong with you, you must be mental or something wrong with you' So it's back to my fault! and yes friends and family have absolutely no idea, especially when PWD can put on the 'host act'.
But at the end of the day 'what do we know' and why do we get so stressed? Definitely must be something wrong with us and not the PWD jax

I'm so like you jax I take it and take it, then bam I really snap and like you I get exactly the same response. It's me, I'm the one with the problem 🤣
People have no idea. I talk to social, G.P.'s etc. and just get told. I need to take some time to myself hahahaha
I've just told him he smells and need to have a good wash before dressing. Answer - What smell? Must be you. All I can smell is deodorant 🤣

 

[JaxG]

I am just so sick of what we are supposed to put up with as carers. ' They can't help it, they didn't ask to be ill, don't argue, don't respond, suck it up, lose your entire life and don't complain'. I am so sick of it. Well I didn't ask to live like this, I didn't ask to be threatened, grabbed, thrown on the floor, shouted at and blamed for everything, only to be told to sell my home if I want to leave - all that is left after paying off his debts, make myself homeless and live the rest of my life in poverty. That is the reality. My OH is more than happy, he has a servant, he has no idea how he is affected, I cook, clean, wash, shop, provide everything he needs, for someone that can never appreciate what I do. I am a prisoner. I spoke to the Memory clinic and the nurse asked me what support I have. Well if they don't know that there is NO support, then no one knows.