what do i do?

poppet

Registered User
Aug 3, 2007
70
thanks for the replies...wow...i am surprised at how common it is to be in our situation. quite reassuring that what i think needs to be done is what others have done/doing. my ever present problem is being the dil not one of the sons!;)

bil is to take mil to see specialist about results at the end of the month so i think after that he might be more open to suggestions and i might talk to hubby aabout inviting him round for a chat over a meal when he comes down. open up discussion about the various things and put our views to him.

will let you know how things progress.

thanks for the support, its so very important to me.

poppet
 

blue sea

Registered User
Aug 24, 2005
270
England
Hi poppet
As the others have said, this is a very difficult stage that you are going through. Through reading TP , factsheets, and dealing hands on with mil, you are much more of an expert than your bil. It is also often easier for people slightly less emotionally close (as you are in an inlaw situation) to face up to the realities. So try to be patient with him (hard I know!) as he probably will come round to your way of thinking, given time and more information. If your mil refuses to move, have extra help etc, it cannot be forced on her, unless her situation becomes so severe she has to be sectioned, and everyone is always reluctant to go this route. So sometimes, sadly, a crisis is what precipiates action. Reading your posts, I would suggest you hesitate before considering sheltered or warden accommodation. You might find that this does not solve the problems as it sounds to me that your mil perhaps needs more care than a warden could or would provide. All the disruption and upset of a move would probably advance her confusion. It might be better, once she is properly diagnosed and assessed, to try to get a good care package of carers in her home, combined with perhaps some day centre care . If this doesn't work, than a care home might have to be the alternative. It's probably a case of going one step at a time. Keep us posted.
Blue sea
 

poppet

Registered User
Aug 3, 2007
70
blue sea...yes i agree with all your coments and have taken the suggestions on board... had a talk with hubby today about the situation with mil, he also thinks that to wait for definative diagnosis and then look at what is needed etc...will keep you posted and thanks...

poppet
 

poppet

Registered User
Aug 3, 2007
70
hi...need to off load from last nights episode...

had a call from mil, hubby answered ...couldnt get her to understand he lived here and he couldnt get her distracted from issues with 'the boys' (my hubby and bil as young boys- obviously not real). he went round as hubby is a face to face kind of person.she lost her 2 sets of keys...he found them. she apparently went into an aggressive attack on him...things like ...'well, how long is that likely to last (when hubby said he lived at home with us) or is it going to be another (first wifes name). she got very bitter and resentfull about this. then went off on one about her move (11yrs ago) to be near us...bills she is paying (not sure where this is coming from) about money in general...the most 'difficult to deal with' issue my hubby said he had was her demands that he take 'responsibility for his boys', that he needs to deal with them etc...

he came home saying 'ok, we have definately moved into another realm now'. he detailed all of what happened. we were going to invite her round on sunday for dinner but he is reluctant to do this in advance as he does not want this behaviour to be displayed infront of our young children. he also wants to protect me from this as some of the 'nastiness' was directed at me. i said that he needs to try and say to himself that the behaviour is as a result of this condition and is not his mum...i can handle this to some extent...i am sure i will have tears at times but will leave this out of her sight.

although agree that we are a bit stuck untill we get a definative diagnosis, we still could do with some specific direction in dealing with the more 'direct' stuff mil comes out with. EG. she asked recently if we could look after 'young hubby' while she was out for a few hours with neighbours? i did manaage to get round it by avoidence as she had got the wrong day, but how to deal with that kind of thing is beyond us???

poppet
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,807
Kent
Dear Poppet,

I think you might have to put pressure on the medics to try to hurry up a diagnosis, by telling them her behaviour is becomeimng increasinly worrying and you fear she is at risk.

You would probably be at the receiving end of nastiness whoever you were. It is often directed at the most loved one. It won`t stop it hurting you, it doesn`t stop it hurting me, but it`s done without insight.

Handling situations is best played by ear and depending on the mood. If possible go along with whatever`s said, but otherwise try to distract, as you are already doing. Saying `we`ll do it tomorrow`, can get you out of lots of sticky situations.

I`m sorry but glad your husband has realized you MIL needs help.

Take care

Love xx
 
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poppet

Registered User
Aug 3, 2007
70
thanks Sylvia, yes with regard to hubby seeing things more clearly i think is a good thing...i will try to get him to contact GP to try and speed things up but hold out little hope as i was trying to do this last night and he said 'well, its only another couple of weeks so we can manage till then' ....however, he is going to call in to see her on route home tonight and see how she is, i think he might be more inclined to contact GP if things are still the same today...she had company over the weekend and we had no phone calls, bil has gone on holiday, adn she had a full day out with a neighbour...i think tiredness played a part in last nights epidode... i am going to be sneaky today and contact SS myself to speed up the assessment as the havent phoned us yet...and were supposed to this week...
will let you know how things progress

poppet
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Poppet, I can only emphasise that those who shout loudest are those that get heard when it comes to dealing with professionals. Any suggestion on your or the family's part that you can cope and you will be allowed to cope. It's not right but it is how it is.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,807
Kent
Dear Poppet,
Be as sneaky as you like.

Tell SS your calls are in confidence as you believe your husband and BIL are still in denial, in some ways, hoping it might all go away.

Two weeks is a long time to have to wait.

Tiredness can cause an increase in confusion, well it does with my husband, but when you MIL is as fresh as a daisy, I`m sure she`s still very confused. Tiredness just adds to it.

Take care

love xx
 

poppet

Registered User
Aug 3, 2007
70
have read your replies after making the call...but have got an assessment being conducted next week. also spoke to hubby so he knows all about it and will be the relative who accompany's mil. i also tried to talk to him about the fact that it is one thing to need to wait a efinative diagnosis but in the meantime it might be a good idea to get the ball rolling and call the gp to highlight our concern and see if the appointment for the results can be brought forward ...if not to ask gp for some help. hubby acknowledged what i was saying but he said he finds it hard to do what i would do and 'throw everything at this'. he needs to wait for a diagnosis so that he can get hold of the professionals and say hey my mum has this and she/we need this kind of help or similar...i understand his point of view even if it is different to how i would deal with it, i need to respect his needs too...
i just hope that both he and his brother are able to 'see the light' soon...for their mums sake.

poppet
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Dear poppet

I just have to say this: he sounds so like my husband that it's untrue! I don't know whether it's a male thing, or a personality thing, but my DH would behave in exactly the same way. He would assume that after there was a diagnosis everyone would swing into action and be on the same page, but before a diagnosis there wouldn't be any point intrying to put into place a plan of action. In some circumstances this belief might be justified: unfortunately when you're dealing with dementia AND a variety of services this belief may be, shall we say, over optimistic.

Take care
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Well for mine, the thing that gets him moving/shouting (definitely the shouting) is when he realises that his cherished belief in logic isn't going to cut the mustard. I don't think you can change the pattern of a lifetime, so I do one of two things: either I deal with it myself OR I put it entirely in his hands (to the point of leaving the area if I'm getting sucked in to whatever it is) and tell him that's what I'm doing. Unfortunately, and this is just a comment based on my own DH, if I try to lighten the load in some way, it just makes the whole process more drawn out - he needs to feel the full weight on his shoulders before he takes action. Difficult to do when it involves another person's safety though.
 

poppet

Registered User
Aug 3, 2007
70
thank jennifer,

i am about to return to my final year at university, so we are both aware that the full force of the situation will be placed on his shoulders...maybe this is fate and good timing at that...!

will wait and see...

:rolleyes:

poppet
 

Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
3,725
North Derbyshire
My mUm

Sorry but reading this thread ( and I haven't read it all yet), it is my mum. People visiting, two men and a woman invited by my dad (who died 3 years ago), had to leave the front door open for them in case they needed to come in, it wasn't her who put the telly on at 3 a.m. it was them. oh, on it goes.

Then we got the confusion re day and night. She rang me up at 10.30 p.m. What is happening? Er, what do you mean Mum? It is dark and new at 10 has just been on. Yes, that's cos it is now 10.30 p.m. Mum. What are you doing? Well, I've just had my breakfast and now it is dark. It is bedtime Mum, go to bed. But I've only just got up.

We never found out whether that was true or not, I just know I found her having her 9 p.m. glass of sherry at 4 p.m. , her dinner at 9 a.m., her lunch at 4.30 p.m., and when I took her to the GP one Wednesday at 5 p.m., she thanked him for seeing her at 9.30 on a Saturday night!

She was totally out of it as regards days/times. She was not eating at appropriate times, if at all, she was not taking medication at the right time. She had just totally lost the concept of times of day. She had been phoning friends, and all sorts of other people in the middle of the night. Eventually these friends told me about this, but an itemised bill from BT proved it.

Then she was found at the bus stop at 1 a.m., reported to the police. We then knew all those days when she said"I didn't go to get my hair done, cos when I got to the bus stop it went dark and the bus didn't come" meant she had been attempting to get there at night.

Very sad, but a secure Care Home was a necessity. Care in the Community is what I would have wanted but it doesn't cover night-time, and even if she had been locked in her house, she wouldn't have known why. A night carer costs £25 an hour, and from 10 p.m to 8 a.m. is £250 a day. Not on.

So she has gone into a cAre home, we are still settling her in, I'll keep you .posted. We aren't enthralled by it, but it is okay. We will see. Watch this space

So I would say this is what you have to consider for your mum. I have to say the hallucinations have gone, no-one is "visiting" her in the care home. No men and a woman, no husband. She is sleeping and eating well. She is bored to death, can't hear a thing, that's another issue which I am solving.

Hope it helps to know you are not alone.

Margaret
 

poppet

Registered User
Aug 3, 2007
70
Margret,

gosh this sounds just like my mil!!!

can i ask ...how did you 'get her in' to the care home...did she want to go...how did you get round it if she didnt?

thank you, yes it does help to know we are not alone in this...i sometimes feel like this is me making a big deal out of things and that maybe she is not that bad...only my intincts tell me that she should be in a home...i think that it is gradually sinking in (with hubby at least)...

on a nice point...we had her round for dinner yesterday...i think we all enjoyed it...she came round in her sunglasses so couldn't see much!!...resonably ok...mentioned 'the others' a few times and an incident with her TV where her mother was involved...got round those with distraction...towards the latter part i felt she was looking at her watch alot saying she ought to get back soon and was getting a bit aggressive with me, but thought maybe it was just me being over sensitive...but later when discussing the day hubby also noted it...not going mad after all!!:D

one of the things that i am unsure how to get is support for us...this site is a great bit of support for me ...but hubby hates this kind of thing so i am searching for more practical help in how WE deal with mil when confronted with various situations...the ball is rolling for help for mil but not for us...any ideas anyone?

poppet
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
poppet said:
one of the things that i am unsure how to get is support for us...this site is a great bit of support for me ...but hubby hates this kind of thing so i am searching for more practical help in how WE deal with mil when confronted with various situations...the ball is rolling for help for mil but not for us...any ideas anyone?
Hi poppet

I haven't responded to your thread before, because what you are going through is beyond my experience, as I care for my husband. I know you've had lots of good advice from members who are caring for parents.

I can help with this, though. There are two sources of support for you, and there's no reason why you shouldn't contact both.

The first is your local branch of Alzheimer's Society, who will be able to suggest support groups for you, and may run a day centre that your mil could go to. My husband goes to one, and they're excellent, they really work with the people who go.

The second is the Princess Royal Trust for Carers. This supports any carer, not necessarily dementia cases. They also have support meetings, but also run stress management courses, etc.

You'll find the local number for both in the phone book. Give them a ring, and see what they can offer you.

Once you get a diagnosis, and SS are on the ball, ask for a carers assessment. This may produce carers from Crossroads who will come and sit with your mil for a couple of hours.

Support is there, but you have to ask for it.

Good luck,
 

poppet

Registered User
Aug 3, 2007
70
Hazel, thank you so much for the reply. unfortunately the whold thing of 'support groups' is not something my hubby would go for...i just feel that we are ill equipt to know how to deal with some of the things mil comes our with...this is more the kind of 'help' (i guess its advice really) we are in need of.

i know there have been some good bits of advice in the replies i have had and i am so very grateful...and to be honest, when i read some of the other posts i feel pathetic in my apparent disproportionate worry/aprehension/frustration etc...

i do feel sometimes that i look like i am trying to 'shove her into a home'...epecially when so many of you are looking after loved ones yourselves in your own homes in much more difficult situations than i appear to be in...i question my thoughts??

mil is not someone who would go to daycentres etc as she has never been much of a 'joiner'...i am hoping to work out a way of getting her to one though...but if there are any ideas for this then...:confused:

in the mean time we await the up and coming assessments:)

poppet
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Poppet: I believe some areas have Befrienders which might work for your MIL. How would your husband feel about a book? I have not read all of it, but other people have spoken well about Learning to speak Alzheimer's by Joanne Koenig Coste. It is, I'm afraid, american, so some of the terminology isn't the same, but might be something your husband might find useful.

P.S. I think your husband and mine must have been twins seperated at birth: their responses are so similar
 

blue sea

Registered User
Aug 24, 2005
270
England
Hi poppet

'One step at a time' is a useful approach. You have your potential sources of help / information at hand now in terms of knowing who you can contact for help. It is difficult when you feel someone needs more help than they will accept and there is no easy way round this. My dad wasn't a 'joiner' either and I found it impossible when he started with dementia to persuade him to go to a lunch club, never mind a day centre. He wouldn't accept carers in the house either. My aunt was the same - independence must run in the family! In these circumstances you can only hope that gradual and gentle persuasion will have an effect. Sometimes attending the centre with the person for a few visits can be a useful start. However people with dementia rarely accept they have a problem and therefore genuinely do not see why they should go to something that seems to them to be for people who are ill. It may be that your mil will accept advice from an 'authority' figure, like her GP. A CPN is experienced in such problems and might be able to persuade her to have some help. You seem to be doing everything you can at the moment. I think you are right to respect your husband's needs too - we all have different ways of dealing with problems.
Blue sea
 

poppet

Registered User
Aug 3, 2007
70
thanks both of you...i think the book thing might be a good one for hubby although as mil doesnt have AD i am not sure how much 'clout' that would have but might just get a book form the library and leave it around in the bedroom;)

i also think the authoritive figure suggesting is going to day centres/lunch clubs be a better angle ...i had also thought about getting one of her neighbours to go with her to the day centre...we are out all day from next week so time is limited...

mmm...actually, the lunch club might be a good one as she has been along to a local church lunch a couple of times with a neighbour..watch this space:D