what do i do?

[poppet]

hi tp,
feeling a bit low today,
i think mil has deteriorated. she is in a constant state of confusion, thinks my hubby is her's, cant understand the difference and is getting spiteful towards me. got back from popping round the other day to find the phone ringing...hubby answered to have an earful about 'hiding round here with that bigamous wife'...
i know it is not really her and it is the disease but its still so hard... i sat here today and cried cause i was remebering the mil i used to go out with and have such a laugh with...so sad.
just wanted to let that out...sorry
dont think anything can really improve things...have kind of accepted that although i think she should be in a care home , actually she would hate it and so have decided that she should stay where she is at the moment...obviously if things get out of hand then ...well will wait for that time...
poppet

 

[jenniferpa]

Dear poppet

I'm sorry you're feeling down, and there's not a lot one can say to make you feel better. As you say, knowing it's the disease doesn't make hurtful things said easy to take. A bit easier maybe, but there's some kind of automatic response to accusations that has nothing to do with logic and everything to do with emotion.

Take care

 

[Grannie G]

I`m so sorry you are at the receiving end of such verbal abuse, Poppet. However much you rationalize it can`t stop it hurting.

It makes you wonder what`s going on in your MIL`s mind though. She must be in turmoil inside. I can only hope you are able to get used to it, and it stops hurting so much.

The trouble is, as long as you have such good memories of your MIL, you will hurt for her, and that will never go away.

Love xx

 

[poppet]

hello TP,
havnt posted for a while cause i was feeling in despair and out of control of what was happening to mil. felt hopeless and helpless. still feeling like that which is i guess why i am posting again. i have no idea about how to deal with mil and this upsets me. she phones so many times a day to ask where so and so is, do i have clothes to lend her for her children, when is my hubby (who she thinks is her hubby)coming back home...etc etc
other things that have happend; she has taken herself off to school, continues to cook for 'all of them' who then dont eat/drink and so she feels like throughing the plates at them, last night my hubby told me how she told him that she was getting chilly and was going to bed so put her nighty in the microwave which proceeded to smoke, she took it out and put into the sink and opened it up releasing flames and slightly burnt one finger.
on a positive point we now have some domestic care in place which is a starting point, there is the everso slow process of getting other help eg. sensors to alert about wandering, trying to encourage detatchment from kitchen activities!!! and medication...
this latter point is also frustrating, the medicaton (quinetapine) does not appear to make the slightest difference?
she is still no more aware of times of day or what day it is..is having far more hallucinations...even members outside her family are now 'popping in'
another positive move is that my bil seems to now be getting a good grasp of what is happening here.

sorry this was so long...had a lot to get off my chest.
i do hope that someone has some ideas of how to distract her when on the phone, i get stumped when whe asks something direct...still we are being told to confront her about the visuals and she absolutly does not believe what we are saying...
poppet

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Poppet,
If your MIL is putting her nightdress in the microwave to warm, she is at risk, and should not be living by herself.
I know how distressing it is to think of care homes, but it looks as if the time has come.
Whatever care arrangements you have, they are for a very short proportion of the day and your MIL cannot be held responsible for what happens during the rest of the time.
I`m sorry if I`ve spoken too frankly, but I would really worry about her safety if she were mine.
Love xx

 

[Margarita]

yes it is a worry about Microwave , why not take fuse out of Plug of Microwave for the time being , saying it broken down . Or if she can take the truth tell her why your doing it . also am sure they technical assistant for the cooker if its gas , stopping gas leaks .

doing all this for time being . till you and family thinks it time for care home

do i have clothes to lend her for her children, when is my hubby (who she thinks is her hubby)coming back home...etc etc

Just go along with it , saying what age are they as I may not have clothes that fit them . about hubby say don't know shall ask him , or tomorrow when to tomorrow come say next week , just keep making excuses if it upset her change the subject ask how the children our , or talk about the weather .

 

[poppet]

hi,
thanks for the replies...of course this was not too frank but on one hand i agree about the care home idea...on the other hand...the reaction recently on reciept of a report that mentioned about the future thoughts on the subject...mil's reaction was hysterical and would 'rather slit her throat than go into one of those places' ...i think that she is at some risk but the alternative for her personally would be how many years of misery? so hard...i think that at some point in the near future there will be a point when this will be the only option...i hope her sons will just recognise the moment.
the idea of taking the fuse out seems sensible, although my bil has proposed a new one for xmas this was of course an alternative to an electric blanket

i am happy to consider other suggestions...will also try the 'going along with things' idea to see if that helps us all...
thanks
poppet

 

[Margarita]

my bil has proposed a new one for xmas this was of course an alternative to an electric blanket

Do you think they a bit of denial. [Denial just a copping skill ] going on with your BIL with what is happing with his mother , as if he got her a new Microwave his mother never going to learn how to use all the new button no matter how simple it is .

will also try the 'going along with things' idea to see if that helps us all...

yep also taking one day at the time

 

[poppet]

i absolutly think he has been in denial and still is in part, he is getting more involved which is highlighting the issues we see.

i also agree about the microwave...new skills etc..but thinking laterally...this might stop her using it!!!

the night dress incident my hubby refers to as a one off but i know that this is just one of many scary revelations and that i can only hope that they can be enlightened regarding the risks sooner rather than later.

thanks
poppet

 

[jenniferpa]

While I can see why he might want to consider it a one-off, in that she's not done it before (as far as he's aware) the breakdown in logic that this episode is an example of is NOT a one-off. Let's face it, burning down the house would be a one-off: it could only happen once.


It strikes me that you're dealing with most of the hassle without much ability to effect change, as she's your MIL ratehr than your mother. Mind you, it's fair to say even if she was your mother, you might not be able to do much - this is a difficult stage: still able to express opinions and physically able to do things, but no insight and little logic.

 

[poppet]

hooray!!!

i now see someone understands where i am coming from...not that all the other TP's dont understand...just that this post really hit the nail on the head...here i am wanting to do something and cant...i will of course keep putting my input into the situation and hope that i might be able to get someone to see the risk she is at...preferably before the house burns down!

thanks again!
poppet

 

[alfjess]

and a pill box which we now try to fill up. i say try as she has this filled the takes the wrong amount anyway and then comes round demanding her pills.she needs to be taking them but this system is clearly not working. we have lined up a variety of services to try and help, physio for a walking aid, grab rail in shower is installed, meals to be arranged soon, and a care assessment to be sorted. the latter is by far the most important to help with this medication issue. any ideas anyone? if we get a career in to provide a med prompt how do we stop mil taking other pills?

poppet

Hi
Hide the box and medication some where your MIL can't find it, but you, your husband, BIL and carers know where to access it.

Alfjess

 

[alfjess]

i absolutly think he has been in denial and still is in part, he is getting more involved which is highlighting the issues we see.

i also agree about the microwave...new skills etc..but thinking laterally...this might stop her using it!!!

the night dress incident my hubby refers to as a one off but i know that this is just one of many scary revelations and that i can only hope that they can be enlightened regarding the risks sooner rather than later.

thanks
poppet

Hi
My Mother was also always setting the microwave, toaster etc on fire.

I gave her an old one of mine which was rather complicated to work, eg press time. mins, start. She couldn't operate it and hated it, but it was there for us and the carers, who could use it. We hid the toaster and only brought it out when we, or the carers were using it. the kettle we made sure was always topped up with water and we removed the cooker.

After all that, there were still things that my parents did, which endangered them. The house was frozen because they had turned the thermostat to zero. The solid fuel fire was used to burn everything they could put into it, because they were cold!!
We replaced the fire with a combi boiler in a cupboard with locks on the door. Taped the thermostat with greenhouse tape and did lots of other things, to keep them safe, but in the end they had to go into care and although things are not stress free, at least, are were safe. Unfortunately Mum is now in hospital

Good luck
Alfjess

 

[poppet]

hi thanks for thoses replies,

sorry to her your mum is in hospital...hope things improve for you all soon.

i had another frank talk with hubby who does realies that at somepoint she is likely to go into care but feels that at this point that option is not viable as this would indeed be unacceptable to her as she still has many lucid moments...its all about weighing up the pros and cons...thanks for listening though..it does help when i feel the need to talk to others outside these walls...
poppet

 

[alfjess]

Hi Poppet

What about a tryout, maybe respite for a short time?

Could you tell your MIL you had booked and paid for a holiday?

This is what I did with Mum and Dad. Fortunately the care home where they went for respite, looked like an hotel.

It is is also the care home where eventually my parents were placed permanently, Dad is still there.

Good luck
Alfjess

 

[springtime]

Hi Poppet,
Could you ask the brothers to say at your Mother-inlaws house for a week/weekend? That would certainly give them a good insight into the worries you have. Many family members or professionals do not understand the worries that exist until they have first hand experience!!
Perhaps you could access telecare services/community alarm through your local council - lots of different devices that keep people safe when living at home. There are devices that notify family/carers when a person with memory loss leaves the home.
Many people get upset when you talk about tagging someone - but believe you me, if it was a choice to be tagged and stay in my own home or go into care, I certainly know what I would choose.
Anyway, the best of luck and tell your Doctor or the council that you want a social worker.

Springtime.

 

[poppet]

thanks springtime,

my hubby and i live literally round the corner from mil so feel like we live with her! so are aware of the probs...bil frequently has her to stay with him and his wife for a week at a time. although i appreciate this is not quite the same as living in her world, her place, it is the closest we can get to doing what you suggested due to other commitments.

we are in the process of organising the tagging system...so we shall see how effective that will be...i suspect mil will see it as a nuscience and leave it in a drawer! but we can try...social services have basically closed her case at the moment as they assessed her and placed her at a low category!!! also mil has enough money to pass the organising of all these things onto us

it would be interesting to know at what point we get some better help and how we get over the whole issue of mil being able to give the impression that all is well when those in authority visit and/or assess and as soon as they walk out the door the switch goes on and we are back to the impaired mil???
poppet

 

[Grannie G]

it would be interesting to know at what point we get some better help and how we get over the whole issue of mil being able to give the impression that all is well when those in authority visit and/or assess and as soon as they walk out the door the switch goes on and we are back to the impaired mil???
poppet

The answer Poppet, is when your MIL agrees to accept help from those other than family.

The file has been close on my husband too. He has been assessed, day care has been offered, but there is no way he will go yet. When I appeared dismayed that the file was being closed, I was told it would be, because we would not accept the help that was offered. When we are ready, the file will be reopened.

 

[alfjess]

it would be interesting to know at what point we get some better help and how we get over the whole issue of mil being able to give the impression that all is well when those in authority visit and/or assess and as soon as they walk out the door the switch goes on and we are back to the impaired mil???
poppet

Hi Poppet

Keep a diary as has been suggested lots of times on TP, by others.
Insist to SS, you can no longer cope without help, cry, shout, if you have to.

To begin with my Mum wouldn't except carers, but eventually let them in the door.
Most of the time they could do no more than talk (or maybe that is listen)to mum, but at least it was someone to check on my parents and if a carer could get mum to take her meds, then that was a good day.

I made a point of introducing the carer as a friend of mine from ????? to begin with,(white lie!) which worked well, until the carer changed. We always had trouble at the weekend, but she did sort of get used to carers.

Best of luck
Alfjess

 

[Jennywren]

Mil

HI Poppet and I so feel for you. My mum lives with me and I am 24/7 carer. Once mum had been diagnosed I seeked help through the Alzheimer's Society (don't worry they deal with all the dementia's) Talk to them on the phone. Mine arranged for mum to go to a Day Care Centre run by Age Concern. Mum really bucked against it and would not go for me. However, they sent one of their carers round and low and behold they talked her into going with them without hardly any difficulty. Although she is now quite bad and in the mid to latter stages of AZ she still enjoys the Centre. They cater for all stages so no one feels they are either amongst people that are 'too well' or 'too ill' if you get my drift. The chances of your getting your husband or BIL to come to terms may be quite remote as my brother is really of little help with mum. Not necessarily because he does not care cos I know he does but just does not know how to handle it.
You definitely do need some help as your MIL is not safe living alone I promise you so you need to either have care workers (Alzheimer's Soc also arranges this) coming in with possibly overnight stays or a family member with her at night, better still 24/7. None of this is good news I know but the only other choice you will have is a care home. You have to really work hard to get these arrangements in place but once sorted it all gets easier. My thoughts are with you, please let me know how things are going. It is always good to talk. Love Jenny