What are they playing at?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by bjthink, Jan 13, 2005.

  1. bjthink

    bjthink Guest

    Today, I heard from Social Services that my mother has to pay the full cost of any care going into her home, and this is after two and a half years of her having 'free' care.
    Why is this?
    It's because, following the "theft" (she gave him money, believing him to be her new sexual partner even though she's 85 and he was 59) from her, by her gardener of £17k, I had to step in to sort out her finances.
    I did this, reluctantly, and with considerable financial deprivation to me.
    Up to this point the SS had never been able to do a financial check on her as she is financially incompetent, and has incapacity. She couldn't tell them what she earned and what she owned.
    Looking after her finances, and checking them out has been a 50 hour week for me, because she entrusted everything to her gentleman friend who died without leaving any indications of what her income or investments were.
    I have had to give up my job, my home in the Midlands which is now up for sale, to travel to this city to try to sort out the chaos she's caused. I've done this in all honesty, and the SS demanded from me, as her attorney, a breakdown of her income, which has taken me seven months to complete.
    Finally I think I have it sorted. The cost to me, in terms of my lost income, is about £20k.
    So, from now on, in line with the figures I've painfully put together for the SS over the last seven months, my mother has to pay them £80 per week.
    If I'd stayed away, ignored her plight, had been less than honest, and less of the self-employed natural accountant I am, she would have been fine.
    My intervention, at considerable cost to me, has resulted in costs to her of over £100 per week, which she can well afford, but that doesn't help me.
    Now, SS need to increase her care, as she is seriously demented. Her care costs will rise to almost £120 per week, and this is without the night-time care she deperately needs..
    This system stinks. My mother is, and always has been, mentally dubious. She did a fair enough job as a slightly bonkers deputy headmistress, and a useless and destructive job as a mother. In this day and age she would have been Sectioned, and possibly imprisoned for the life she deprived us of. She was/is cruel and abusive in the extreme.
    She is now diagnosed of mixed dementia - vascular and AD.
    In the past, an abuser like this would have been in a psychiatric ward, looked after by the NHS. As it is, her underlying bipolar and undiagnosed personality disorder, have been ignored. She's just another AD sufferer, and my sister and I, both of whom went through unbelievable agonies at her hands, have to accept that payments for care for her long-standing mental condition, and her additional dementia, have to come out of her income.
    She is, and always has been a very sick woman who has made demands on her abused children that should never have been made. She almost destroyed both of us, and the effects on my sexually-abused sister (who used to be my brother, with a wife and children) are impossible to quantify.
    'Care in the Community' was such a shrug-off .
    I hate my mother, with justification, and truly believe that the downloading of responsibility of care for her, to us, her abuse victims, isn't really right and proper. Nor is it right and proper to expect her to pay for her madness, which she can't help.
    She is what she is, and illness, of whatever kind, should be looked after by the state. Because I'm not demented, and can, after months' of work give a true account of her finances, why is this not only not rewarded, but is penalised?
    I'm gobsmacked.
    What on earth is going on in care for the elderly?
  2. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    West Sussex
    Dear BJ, yes, the system is unfair. Sadly until we can get the law changed that is the way it is. If you have not already done so, check out our fact sheets, you may be able to claim attendance and or carer's allowance. I got attendance allowance for my Mum and it did help a bit. Alheimers and the other dementias in the elderly only have the one outcome, there is no cure and like you I feel it is very wrong that people should have to pay for the treatment they receive when they are so ill, it makes me angry too. Thinking of you and your sister and the rest of your family at this difficult time, hope tomorrow the sun shines for you, love She. XX
  3. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    Dear BJ,
    yes you are right the systim does stink.
    I'm sure I have said it all before,I would think Nye Bevan must turn in his grave.
    Care from cradle to grave and free at the point of delivery,what a joke.
    What can we do?Support AS and other lobbying bodies,contact MPs,bang the drum fly the flag for mental illness sufferers.
    It's too late for some of us but we can try for those that come after.
    Best Wishes
  4. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Dear BJ

    No sentiment from me and none deserved, so I'll just cut to the chase. Tragic state of affairs but can't see why you are trying to carry the can. Money? Not worth it, you'll go bonkers yourself in the trying. Easy to say 'write it off', but 'write it off'. You've enough on your plate and obviously are skilfull in business.

    Every penny you have spent in looking after your mother, including the £20k lost, make sure is logged and produce any relevant documents to support it. It must be a charge on her and is your money - it cannot belong to the DSS.

    Your mother needs sectioning now. You know how this is done. And once sectioned, you will not have to foot any bill, the state will have to pay, that's where the MHA conditions come into play but I'm preaching to the sadly converted. Check this out with the Alzheimers Society Legal Advice line, very useful in this trust me.

    You don't have to look after her or bear any cost - your duty is discharged, if you so wish to continue in the role of satellite carer, once she has been sectioned; visit her and provide for her physical needs - clothing and bit and bobs. She is dangerous to herself and if every penny goes make sure it's hers - not yours or your sister's. Then, if you feel it is important and after you have caught some breath and rediscovered some focus, set about the financial mess.

    I don't mean to sound patronising, but get some urgent legal advice (again, use the AS) - cut through the past that is such awful **** for now, you can't go on like this, and you know it.

    You have a life, a good life and you deserve that life, you're a good man. How do you want to live the rest of it? I want you to LIVE it not exist through it. I hate the idea of your struggle.

    Be gentle with yourself, about time
  5. bjthink

    bjthink Guest

    #5 bjthink, Jan 15, 2005
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 15, 2005
    Thank all of you for such wonderful and heart-warming replies - and I can joyfully report to you all that THE SUN HAS COME OUT!!
    It's only a chink, but it's there.
    Yesterday I had to attend one of those meetings-with-paperwork that the SS loves, but this time, things happened. I went into it in the wallow of self-pity I felt when I posted here, caused no doubt by the fact that I ricked my back on Tuesday and am on some heavy-duty painkillers, which I never normally take, and which aren't getting rid of the pain.
    But as soon as I walked in, I knew the atmosphere had changed, and that finally people were LISTENING to me. My mother's CPA notes have been amended to include the sentence,'Mrs X has suffered from psychotic symptoms for many years as evidenced by her medical notes.' They now believe that her 'difficult' personality has masked her dementia which they believe may have started after a series of suspected mini-strokes in the late 80s, and that her AD is much further advanced than they'd thought.
    They've decided, at last, to put her in the care of the town's EMI team, instead of the ordinary SS (so why didn't they do that 6 months ago when she was financially abused while in their care??) They're doubling up her care package and she is now having Enhanced Care, and the temporary Social Worker, who is a gem, has asked the CPN for a formal statement of Capacity for her, so that if necessary she can be sectioned without any further paperwork.
    The new care package is to cost her up to £200 per week, but on Direct Payments (next meeting at the end of this month) we can probably get much better care than from the poor kids who are sent round by the Agency and who are bullied to tears by her.
    And......best news of all! After never having been informed that she may be entitled to Attendance Allowance, which I discovered through this website (even though she's been in care of the SS for almost 3 years) I applied, and have heard this morning that she is to get Attendance Allowance at the higher rate, backdated for 5 weeks. So that will in part pay for the Enhanced care, as will the fact that she'll now not have to pay Council Tax.
    So maybe I have been of use after all, with my constant shouting and screaming at this chaotic system. Cogs are turning.
    I feel that I've at least been able to put up a fireguard. It isn't going to ameliorate the heat of the fires of hell, but at least it'll stop the coals dropping on the carpet and burning the house down :))
    Again my thanks to all of you out there. You are a wonderful support system. From the wise ones on this board I've learned that I can't actually say that a corner has been turned, because this terrible illness, and the systems in place to deal with it, are an ever-increasing series of corners, some of which can take you back to the place you started out at, years ago.
    But it does my soul good to know there are people like you, who understand.
  6. Kriss

    Kriss Registered User

    May 20, 2004
    Dear BJ

    take legal advice now - your own solicitor or citizens advice or whatever. As an attorney you are not expected to be out of pocket in performing your "duty". Just imagine what a solicitor or accountant would have charged for their assistance in sorting out the mess!

  7. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Dear BJ

    I'm delighted for you that there is a little sunshine, people are finally listening! And of course you are of use, I'd say you have been valiant in the face of such torture. Bet your son finds you a lot of 'use', don't forget the people who CAN and do love you.

    Why the system has to be so convoluted when faced with this illness is one of life's mysteries - but perhaps if we all keep beating the drum, things may change................eventually!

    Take good care and rest that back, nothing worse than back pain to drag you down. A little time for yourself.

    Best wishes
  8. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    West Sussex
    Dear BJ, so very pleased for you! Now take some time out for yourself. (But don't forget to check in here!) Love She.XX

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