Just to add to @Violet Jane point,my mum has been in a care home for two years and is in much better health now than when she went in. Previous to this she had live in carers and was going down hill rapidly.
We can't keep carers, because Mum won't sleep through the night. Help!
- Thread starter Toodlepipfornow
- Start date
Hi, when I said in my last post that some don't live long in care I was offering an explanation as to why friends had lost their family members.
Bupa reckon the average life in care as 801 days with half dying by day 462. Of course some do better depending on a variety of factors.
I'm pleased to hear @Violet Jane and @SAP have more positive experiences.
Bupa reckon the average life in care as 801 days with half dying by day 462. Of course some do better depending on a variety of factors.
I'm pleased to hear @Violet Jane and @SAP have more positive experiences.
Yes, its an exponential curve with the average being just over 2 years.
My mum was in late mid-stage when she moved into her care home and lived there for just shy of three years, but many people move into a care home when they are in very advanced stages, or for end of life care and therefore do not live long afterwards - my MIL was one of these. She had been in hospital, very poorly with multiple UTIs and advanced dementia and we thought she would pass away in the hospital. As it was, she rallied and was moved to a nursing home for end of life care. She passed away 2 months later.
My father was in Care for 5 years, years which he throughly enjoyed.
His Home had two dining rooms, he had his meals in one, 1st and 2nd courses, wandering off to the other, where he was asked "have you had your pudding?" to which the answer was always "no" whilst sitting down.
Took a few weeks for the cook to catch on!
Care Homes are not all doom and gloom.
Bod
His Home had two dining rooms, he had his meals in one, 1st and 2nd courses, wandering off to the other, where he was asked "have you had your pudding?" to which the answer was always "no" whilst sitting down.
Took a few weeks for the cook to catch on!
Care Homes are not all doom and gloom.
Bod
My mother lived in a care home for four and a half years, and my mother in law for not quite a year. Although it sometimes looks like a move into care causes a downturn, I think that is probably due to the change in circumstances rather than the fact the person has moved into care.
Like you @Toodlepipfornow . my husband and his siblings couldn't agree about the move into care for their mum. It very nearly led to a total breakdown in the relationship between them, but with a lot of talking and negotiation they finally came up with a plan they all agreed to. That included her remaining in her own home with carers coming in and the four siblings visiting regularly to keep an eye on her. Unlike your mum she did sleep through the night though, so that mad things easier. In the end the care company said her needs were too great and the family visited loads of homes to find one that was a good match. I visited a few with my husband and it really brought home how different homes are. We were looking for my mum at the same time and I could see that what would suit my mum wouldn't my MiL and vice versa. In the end the home chosen was so like her old home I don't think MiL realised she had moved, and the upside was that with carers available 24/7 she was much better cared for and seemed very content.
Like you @Toodlepipfornow . my husband and his siblings couldn't agree about the move into care for their mum. It very nearly led to a total breakdown in the relationship between them, but with a lot of talking and negotiation they finally came up with a plan they all agreed to. That included her remaining in her own home with carers coming in and the four siblings visiting regularly to keep an eye on her. Unlike your mum she did sleep through the night though, so that mad things easier. In the end the care company said her needs were too great and the family visited loads of homes to find one that was a good match. I visited a few with my husband and it really brought home how different homes are. We were looking for my mum at the same time and I could see that what would suit my mum wouldn't my MiL and vice versa. In the end the home chosen was so like her old home I don't think MiL realised she had moved, and the upside was that with carers available 24/7 she was much better cared for and seemed very content.
My mother had a downturn when she went into care and we felt it was because before being placed she was barely holding it together and once placed she finally felt safe and could mentally relax and was no longer being forced to remember things. She was much happier and less agitated once placed. Once we realized how calmer she was we felt guilty for not placing her sooner.
Hello, we tried keeping mum at home with live-in care but had the same issue as you when she was awake and active at night. We tried then having a separate “waking night” person as well, but the cost was eye-watering and impossible to sustain. We had to accept that a care home was the only solution and found one that we felt we could trust. Mum’s been there 2 months now and is healthy and safe. I hope you find a solution that works for you.
Hi, was there any specific reason that you have a live in carer or what does she do when she wakes at night? My dad is in a similar position he gets up multiple times a night either looking for something or just to eat biscuits etc .. I think the term is sundowning and there is nothing you can do about it. I agree a waking carer is the only option but eye wateringly expensive, I’m also having to consider a care home but resisting at the moment
I hope you get it sorted
I hope you get it sorted
I was against my Mum going into a care home and was forced into it by my siblings. It was very hard for the first year, but now she is settled and we have a good relationship with the care home staff who really do care. Any issues we have, have been carefully noted and responded to. She has been there for 3 years now and she has declined in that time, but as expected with dementia. Like others I have heard very bad things about care homes and my best friend had an awful experience with her dad. It really put me off, but I think the answer is carefully picking the care home. Mums isn’t fancy, but it is staffed with carers who have been there for a long time (decades some of them) and an enthusiastic and dedicated manager. I hope you can find a solution that works for you.
@Littleanna, under standard live-in care contracts live-in carers can’t be required to get up more than twice a night to attend to the client. If the client won’t go to bed at a reasonable hour, wanders or gets up repeatedly then the carer, or the agency if one is being used, will tell you that the placement can’t continue without a waking night carer being brought in. Live-in carers have working hours and don’t replicate what a family carer will do.
If a client is not a falls risk, doesn’t require attention when s/he wakes up and doesn’t disturb the carer then it might not be a problem but in most cases the client will require some attention.
As far as I can tell, live-in carers are thin on the ground and some do short placements only. They can therefore afford to be picky about their placements.
We arranged live-in care for an elderly friend and the nights were a problem right from the start. The first carer lasted four weeks (there were other reasons as well as the nights). The second one managed to get our friend to go to bed at a reasonable time and was (we discovered later) very tolerant about the disturbed nights but whenever she was away the replacement carers complained. In the end, after the second carer left (she lasted a bit over a year with long breaks when she went to visit her family abroad), we had to bring in a waking night carer.
If a client is not a falls risk, doesn’t require attention when s/he wakes up and doesn’t disturb the carer then it might not be a problem but in most cases the client will require some attention.
As far as I can tell, live-in carers are thin on the ground and some do short placements only. They can therefore afford to be picky about their placements.
We arranged live-in care for an elderly friend and the nights were a problem right from the start. The first carer lasted four weeks (there were other reasons as well as the nights). The second one managed to get our friend to go to bed at a reasonable time and was (we discovered later) very tolerant about the disturbed nights but whenever she was away the replacement carers complained. In the end, after the second carer left (she lasted a bit over a year with long breaks when she went to visit her family abroad), we had to bring in a waking night carer.
I think we all try to choose care homes very carefully. The national staffing crisis means that there aren’t many who have stable and adequate staffing, definitely not in my area. I think you may have got lucky but for those of us who didn’t, it is not because we didn’t really try to choose carefully.
Really sorry to hear about difficulties. We are in a similar position. My elderly Dad is awake about every hour during the night at the moment. GP has prescribed a sedative but no real effect as yet. We have a live-in carer we have found at the moment who is as flexible and understanding as possible and we are trying to cover longer breaks in the day so that the carer can catch up on some sleep but am concerned this won’t be sustainable unless sleep improves and we need to alternate carers too probably one week on/off. Paying for day care plus waking nights care would be another option but so expensive as we know. Also very keen for my Dad to stay at home with my mum. Hoping your situation improves and sending my support, just sorry I don’t have any answers
Thanks for thoughts. Unfortunately covering all day hasn’t helped either as we can’t cover all day every day, we have tried to cover long stretches ourselves along with carers early morning and also evening but it was getting complicated to organise with different carers coming and going (bewildering for parents) and very expensive, so live in care seemed the most practical option with us covering their breaks but still not straightforward. The wakeful nights are a big issue for sure
My mom lived alone and had temporary carers provided by SS after an episode of delerium and a hospital stay with further assessment in a discharge to assess bed. When it came to the time for her to fund them she point blank refused and we muddled along for a few months with me going over twice a day. I was planning to admit defeat in the January but my mom begun to wander and was found on the street corner at 2am by the police two days before Christmas 2021.
It was then agreed that she could not be left alone so I attempted to stay at hers on the sofa taking her home with me during the day. I basically lasted a week before admitting defeat - it was like living with the duracell bunny she would be up at 315 doing the vacuuming or packing and unpacking bags and suitcases throughout the night. A respite bed was organised first which eventually went permanent. I cannot say she was happy there at the beginning but she was not happy at home really either but she was safe and is possibly better looked after than she was when at home. I am an only child I tried but there was only so much I could do. Mom has been in the care home for 792 days which when I actually write it is really sad I wish there was an alternative but I know that if I had carried on as I was in 2021 I possibly would not be writing this post.
It was then agreed that she could not be left alone so I attempted to stay at hers on the sofa taking her home with me during the day. I basically lasted a week before admitting defeat - it was like living with the duracell bunny she would be up at 315 doing the vacuuming or packing and unpacking bags and suitcases throughout the night. A respite bed was organised first which eventually went permanent. I cannot say she was happy there at the beginning but she was not happy at home really either but she was safe and is possibly better looked after than she was when at home. I am an only child I tried but there was only so much I could do. Mom has been in the care home for 792 days which when I actually write it is really sad I wish there was an alternative but I know that if I had carried on as I was in 2021 I possibly would not be writing this post.
I know that it is hard @JHA but you did the best possible thing for your mom, there comes a time when it takes a whole team to look after a person with dementia. Now you can be her daughter again and not a tired and frazzled carer. You are still looking after her just in a different way. You are her advocate at the care home looking after her interests.
