Visiting taking its toll

[cymbid]

Until recently mum lived at home alone , no carers. I visited from 80 miles away weekly , Spent the day , did her finances , took her out , maybe a bit of shopping or just a good gossip. Her memory was bad and she was unsteady on her feet.

Now , following a fall and broken hip , she is in hospital. Its been a month. Her memory is so much worse. She thinks her home is where she ws a child and forgets family members etc.

I had been driving up and down every other day , sleeping at my sons (still 25 miles from hospital) or hotel. Then when my brother went on holiday I booked into a hotel for a week. This week I stayed in my mums house (that was grim (another story)

All this time she has had visits twice a day from me , or my brother , or sometimes odd visits by others.

This is not sustainable . I have a home and partner who i am away from . With her memory so bad would it really matter if she has no visitors for a day or two.

She is probably going to D2A also in her local area and then likely a care home. So visiting will be ongoing. My guilt at not being there is a worry. I dont want to move her from her local area (then my brother would have the problem)

 

[Kevinl]

How do people like you manage to put in that level of commitment and don't get carer burnout, you can be here for a long time if not a good time, all I can say is thank you for all you are doing on her behalf, thank you. K

 

[Collywobbles]

The Guilt Monster is someone we’re all familiar with. If you resolve whatever you feel guilty about now, the Monster will instantly find us something else to feel bad about.

Dementia is a situation where often, all you can choose is the least worst option. Try not to beat yourself up.

 

[Angel55]

💗 Hello

Of course you are right the visiting is not sustainable. Dad was in hospital for almost a month and I missed one visit one evening for which he was not impressed but we were absolutely exhausted having been working all day as well. Before that point I was driving down sometimes twice a day but when I look back we were hurtling towards a crisis point of some sort.... both me and my sibling. When he eventually went into emergency respite that was an hour away and for the last 18 months he has been 40 mins away and about 10 mins from my sibling in a residential place. I still visit regularly but it is a fair distance for me especially in the winter months.

No it would not be 'bad' to miss a couple of days or be the worst thing if Mum was nearer to you. Take a bit of a break if you can xx

 

[canary]

I dont think it would be bad if you didnt visit every day
Your mum is probably living "in the moment" now and unaware of how long it is since you last visited

 

[cymbid]

I dont think it would be bad if you didnt visit every day
Your mum is probably living "in the moment" now and unaware of how long it is since you last visited

I think you are correct. She forgets who has been in. She will ask me how my brother is when he was just in the night before.

 

[Rosettastone57]

I think you are correct. She forgets who has been in. She will ask me how my brother is when he was just in the night before.

When my mother in law was in a care home she was always complaining she hadn't seen my husband for a year. In fact it was only a week. She quickly lost all sense of time