Unsettling mum with my visits

[susiecol]

Hi my visits/phonecalls seem to unsettle mum...I wasn't going today so I rang the home and thought (probably stupidly) it would be nice to speak to mum,we used to speak 3or4times a day when she lived at home,so thought she might like that...
Nope! She got upset and said she missed me and I needed to help get her out of there...
How often do any of you visit ... mum only came out of hospital on Tuesday,in my mind I thought I was helping.... worst daughter ever!!!

 

[Kevinl]

You haven't met my daughter, she might take your crown.
Shouldn't say that I love her really and I'd hate it if she ended up in your position you're in with me, I have children because I love them, not to make sure I have carers for me in my old age. K

 

[susiecol]

😀

 

[SherwoodSue]

Of course you aren’t a bad daughter. It’s ok they you weren’t planning to go today.
If you had planned to see a friend and could not make it you would ring
It’s different with your mum.
You were ringing several times a day because you are a GOOD daughter. But mum isn’t home now. Different rules apply in terms of what works.
I am sure the home will tell you that she was fine just before the call and after
It’s just learning a new way to be.
Sucks when we aim for the best but the result is different

 

[susiecol]

I know I keep thinking I can make things OK for her I've got to learn to let go a little I know x

 

[Mumlikesflowers]

I know I keep thinking I can make things OK for her I've got to learn to let go a little I know x

Goodness yes I know the thing about feeling like we have the power to make them happy and somehow being indispensible. What you are experiencing seems to be very common and it's what I was expecting to happen with my Mum but it did not. It could be because she's less with it than your Mum and she couldn't remember her home at all which I found pretty astonishing. I think you're saying she's only been there a few days.

Part of why one visits is to monitor what's going on and it's possible to do that without seeing your Mum, either by email, or phone call (good luck with that one but probably other homes are more responsive than ours) or even by going in but without seeing her - rather uncomfortable that one I'd say. But what other people think is ok and what you think is ok when you see your Mum can be rather different. I don't think it's a good strategy not to communicate with them just because her distress prevents you from visiting. I do believe the fact that I'm very much a presence has an impact on the quality of care my Mum receives.

It's hard to know how it will pan out. I was remembering how Mum hated going into the main communal area and now she doesn't hate it. I think there's a balance to be struck even if it distresses her on one level to see you. Because, as I said, you or someone else in the family or a close friend would want to see her with their own eyes. Is there someone else who can go in who might be less triggering for her? However if it's the first few days, then part of it is wait and see.

I do feel for you. Because us better daughters are likely to feel like the worst daughters for 'abandoning' our mothers. You have to come back to the reason that the situation as it was before was no longer tenable. For me, that was that if I got ill there was no plan B.

 

[susiecol]

Aw thankyou...its very hard isn't it... Mums actually in her 2nd care home since February-1st was just respite,but this her permanent home now,its unfortunate that after only a month in her current place,mum fell and broke her hip and she spent almost 3weeks in hospital,getting more depressed by the day,so she returned to her care home this week and it must feel like day 1 to mum...my brother also visits and she is similar with him but I do seem to be the 'trigger'...all very sad isn't it...

 

[Jale]

Hi @susiecol , of course you're not a bad daughter but when the guilt monster raises it's ugly head it is sometimes difficult to let those thoughts go. I used to visit Mum every day when she went into the nursing home, I now visit 3 times a week - she is bed bound, doesn't speak to me (she can talk when she wants to) and although I don't think me visiting upsets her, I feel that she doesn't get anything from me visiting now.

It is difficult initially, your Mum has had a fairly big "upset" with the recent circumstances and that is no-ones fault , but I think she does need time to settle and a new routine established. For what it's worth my brother was always the favoured one, could do no wrong in Mum's eyes, and I was the one who she said didn;t care about her - sadly that it the dementia talking.

Take care and be kind to yourself

 

[Kevinl]

I know I keep thinking I can make things OK for her I've got to learn to let go a little I know x

Sometimes love is knowing when to let go. K

 

[StressedDaughter]

I was saying to my daughter yesterday - I miss talking to Mum on the phone. Something small will happen which I would have called her about in the past - much the way my daughter does to me. I miss it!

 

[susiecol]

Hi @susiecol , of course you're not a bad daughter but when the guilt monster raises it's ugly head it is sometimes difficult to let those thoughts go. I used to visit Mum every day when she went into the nursing home, I now visit 3 times a week - she is bed bound, doesn't speak to me (she can talk when she wants to) and although I don't think me visiting upsets her, I feel that she doesn't get anything from me visiting now.

It is difficult initially, your Mum has had a fairly big "upset" with the recent circumstances and that is no-ones fault , but I think she does need time to settle and a new routine established. For what it's worth my brother was always the favoured one, could do no wrong in Mum's eyes, and I was the one who she said didn;t care about her - sadly that it the dementia talking.

Take care and be kind to yourself

Thankyou so much xx 😘

I was saying to my daughter yesterday - I miss talking to Mum on the phone. Something small will happen which I would have called her about in the past - much the way my daughter does to me. I miss it!

It's so strange isn't it.... xxx me too xxx take care