Undiagnosed dementiA

[tdobard1028]

My MIL is 88 and takes no meds of any kind. She will not go to the Dr and will not leave her house. My husband and I bring her food and take care of her needs. In her words we are horrible people. We take things, move things and destroy paperwork and locks on her house. Which of course is not true. She said police had her blocked in looking for my husband (her son) and tells us that she has neighborhood security watching her house. She talks so bad about us and all we want to do is help her. We get her groceries and of course she doesn’t want anything we buy but she will not tell us what she wants and will not go anywhere with us because she thinks someone will come in her house and Steal stuff. She said my husband comes in at night and does things in her house. We do not have keys to her house and we live an hour away but she can never tell us what we take. We hate her living alone and scared she may burn her house down since she does not remember things that she does but accuses us of. She now does not remember how to use her cell phone and uses an old rotary phone because she said remotely we have messed up her phone. And we have secret websites that she sees on her iPad where we write stuff about her. We know it is time she needs assisted living but what do we do to get her there? She will not leave her house to see a Dr? How do we get her into an assisted living. She thinks we are already horrible people she will not do anything we say? We feel it’s dangerous her living alone and feel she needs to be medicated?

 

[tdobard1028]

My MIL is 88 and takes no meds of any kind. She will not go to the Dr and will not leave her house. My husband and I bring her food and take care of her needs. In her words we are horrible people. We take things, move things and destroy paperwork and locks on her house. Which of course is not true. She said police had her blocked in looking for my husband (her son) and tells us that she has neighborhood security watching her house. She talks so bad about us and all we want to do is help her. We get her groceries and of course she doesn’t want anything we buy but she will not tell us what she wants and will not go anywhere with us because she thinks someone will come in her house and Steal stuff. She said my husband comes in at night and does things in her house. We do not have keys to her house and we live an hour away but she can never tell us what we take. We hate her living alone and scared she may burn her house down since she does not remember things that she does but accuses us of. She now does not remember how to use her cell phone and uses an old rotary phone because she said remotely we have messed up her phone. And we have secret websites that she sees on her iPad where we write stuff about her. We know it is time she needs assisted living but what do we do to get her there? She will not leave her house to see a Dr? How do we get her into an assisted living. She thinks we are already horrible people she will not do anything we say? We feel it’s dangerous her living alone and feel she needs to be medicated?

I really need help on what to do please? I’ve called her primary care Dr and she has not been in over 2 years and they tell me she has to come in. Well we cannot get her to leave her house? She does not think anything is wrong with her she thinks we are doing things to her

 

[2ndAlto]

Welcome to the forum @tdobard1028. I'm sorry to hear about your MiL and the problems she is having and obviously you are having with her despite doing your best to help her. I'm not in the UK so I don't really have much advice about where to get help but there will be people able to offer you advice on the forum as I'm sure many others have encountered similar problems. I'm thinking Social Services - it sounds as though she isn't capable of continuing to live alone without some sort of help. I appreciate you are doing your best to try to deal with a difficult problem.

 

[2ndAlto]

I really need help on what to do please? I’ve called her primary care Dr and she has not been in over 2 years and they tell me she has to come in. Well we cannot get her to leave her house? She does not think anything is wrong with her she thinks we are doing things to her

And really some GPs (or their Reception staff) have no idea sometimes.

 

[canary]

Hello @tdobard1028 and welcome to the forum

Im guessing from the time you posted (3.00 am UK time) and various terms that you are using that you are in US. Unfortunately, this is a UK based forum and although everyone from all over the world is welcome and the symptoms of dementia are the same everywhere, how you access support, and what this support looks like, is different in different countries.

Its still early on a Sunday morning here, but Im sure that someone will be around later who can pass on the details of someone who can advise you.
xx

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @tdobard1028 and welcome to Dementia Support Forum. Dementia recognises no borders and many of the things that you have described I saw with my wife too. It wasn't easy but my first attempt was to get her to attend her doctor for a 'routine' appointment that just happened to include a memory test. I of course had prompted the doctor in advance. Then it was on to tests at the memory clinic and needs assessment by the local council social services. That was done in the home which made it slightly easier.

If you aren't in the UK, much of the above may be less relevant or need to be done differently. If your mother-in-law will not go to the doctor will they do a home visit? Here we are able to report vulnerable people who are at risk to the social services department. Is there something like that where you are?

I am sorry I don't have any better suggestions. From your description it seems that living independently is almost impossible and some sort of supported living arrangements are necessary. You will need a lot of perseverance to make this happen. If coming back here with questions, to share, or just to let off steam will help you, please don't hesitate.