Uncertainties that haunt me

[alicja_karolina]

Dear All,
I have a question- after my advanced dementia father died I am haunted by questions "did he feel pain I haven't noticed?" (he was getting no opioids, was occassionaly on paracetamol), "did he feel breathlessness?" (especially in the last two weeks of his life- he had heart failure but no diuretics or morphine were given; once he fainted and I didn't call the ambulance as at that time he was terminally ill and I wanted him to die at home- so I am asking myself "did I miss a heart attack?" , "did he have fluid in lungs?". I am wondering- am I the only one one haunted but such we questions? P.S. I was a family caregiver, no home hospice was available and the GP was refusing house calls. Are there any people haunted by similar uncertainties? I don't know how to cope with them- they hurt.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @alicja_karolina

If your father had experienced pain, I think his facial expression would have told you so.

If he was struggling to breathe, I`m sure you would have seen him gasping for breath.

once he fainted and I didn't call the ambulance as at that time he was terminally ill and I wanted him to die at home

I don`t think you were right in this case but it's done now and there is nothing else you can do.

Many of us think we could have done more but what`s done is done and I`m sure you did your best

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello @alicja_karolina

I am so sorry to read that you are still haunted by what you feel are uncertainties about your fathers passing and I have gone back to read what you said last year about your father and his various illnesses.

Please do not feel guilty about any of your actions, you did your best to look after your father under very difficult circumstances. I think that you did the right thing by keeping your father at home and caring for him during his last days. Not everyone has the courage to do that so you really are an amazing daughter.

As for your worries about your father being in pain, i think that you would have been aware of that if he was.

I would think that many people have the same guilt feelings that you do and they are totally uncalled for, but are all part of the grieving process. I used to feel exactly the same when my mum and dad passed away.

 

[alicja_karolina]

Hello @alicja_karolina

I am so sorry to read that you are still haunted by what you feel are uncertainties about your fathers passing and I have gone back to read what you said last year about your father and his various illnesses.

Please do not feel guilty about any of your actions, you did your best to look after your father under very difficult circumstances. I think that you did the right thing by keeping your father at home and caring for him during his last days. Not everyone has the courage to do that so you really are an amazing daughter.

As for your worries about your father being in pain, i think that you would have been aware of that if he was.

I would think that many people have the same guilt feelings that you do and they are totally uncalled for, but are all part of the grieving process. I used to feel exactly the same when my mum and dad passed away.

Hi! Thank You for Your reply. Do you have any advice on how to deal with these difficult feelings?

 

[alicja_karolina]

Hello @alicja_karolina

If your father had experienced pain, I think his facial expression would have told you so.

If he was struggling to breathe, I`m sure you would have seen him gasping for breath.


I don`t think you were right in this case but it's done now and there is nothing else you can do.

Many of us think we could have done more but what`s done is done and I`m sure you did your best

Hello Grannie G and thank You for Your response. Somehow it is hard for me to accept that I cannot undo things I see as mistakes and I will never be able to repair them.

 

[canary]

Do you have any advice on how to deal with these difficult feelings?

I think these feelings are part of the grieving process, especially as there doesnt seem to be a sound reason for them. It might help you to view them as such, to acknowledge your feelings and then put them to one side. You may find counselling (perhaps from CRUSE) helpful in order to do this.

 

[Kevinl]

No, no doubt at all you did everything you could, you're a saint, now move on, that's what I'd tell my kids if they did what you've done for me.
Thank you. K

 

[alicja_karolina]

No, no doubt at all you did everything you could, you're a saint, now move on, that's what I'd tell my kids if they did what you've done for me.
Thank you. K

 

[alicja_karolina]

Thank You Kevinl for Your kind words.

 

[alicja_karolina]

I think these feelings are part of the grieving process, especially as there doesnt seem to be a sound reason for them. It might help you to view them as such, to acknowledge your feelings and then put them to one side. You may find counselling (perhaps from CRUSE) helpful in order to do this.

I am actually starting a CPT therapy for PTSD next week so let's keep fingers crossed it will help me move on somehow.

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hi! Thank You for Your reply. Do you have any advice on how to deal with these difficult feelings?

As @canary said these feelings are part of the grieving process and it will take time for them to abate. It is good that you are starting some therapy and I hope that it will help you to see that you really did all that you could for your father. Take good, you need to look after yourself now.