trying to pretend --

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by bel, Aug 24, 2007.

  1. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    do others like me try to pretend to our loved ones all the time
    things are ok
    how do you do it ---
    sorry i am a pain
    love bel x
  2. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Dear Bel .....

    Very different circumstances I know, but I pretend all the time ... I pretend to mum that 'she's just got a little bit of a problem with her memory' and I pretend to myself that this isn't really happening ...... then I hate myself for pretending .....

    You are absolutely not a pain - and no, I don't know how others cope who are in far worse situations than me ...... but for now, pretending seems to be a good 'technique' to help both me and mum through this .....

    Much love and hugs, Karen, x
  3. barraf

    barraf Registered User

    Mar 27, 2004

    Dear Bel

    We all pretend in one way or another. In the beginning I pretended to Margaret that it was just bad memory, then that we all have it as we get older.

    Then as she progressed with A/D I would pretend I was her father or son or whoever she thought I was at the time.

    I pretended she would get better, I pretended it didn't matter that she was incontinent or couldn't use her knife and fork properly.

    To myself I called it lying through my teeth, but anything goes in order to keep her calm and not worrying.

    Now she know longer realises what state she is in and cannot ask or argue so I don't have to pretend or lie anymore.

    But if it saves aggravation and disputes, loss of temper or dispair it is well worth it.

    You are not a pain and feel free to post and get things off your chest, that is whole purpose of TP.

    Cheers Frank
  4. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Frank and Karen say it all much better than I can. :(
  5. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006

    thanks all
    it felt like it was only me
    and it still does
    but thanks a million
    love bel x
  6. AJay

    AJay Registered User

    Aug 21, 2007

    Hi Bel

    I pretend to my Dad that everything is OK, very difficult as he's now started to see and hear things but he really believes that what he's seeing and hearing is real so I have to pretend that it is real and talk about it with him. It's painful but at least Dad's not scared. We have a little double act joke routine about his non existant short term memory so that's not so bad.

    No I don't pretend to other loved ones if you mean other members of the family, I look after him, they don't so why should they think that everything is fine for both Dad and me, they don't see and cope with the day to day reality of somebody with advancing AD.

    No you're not being a pain, just feeling it, you're being a carer and showing that you do care.

    AJay xx
  7. paris07

    paris07 Registered User

    Jul 11, 2007
    Dear BEL,

    My Mum says, Do I have dementia? answer , No of coarse not, Am I as bad as the bloke next door , answer , no of coarse not .....
    Play the pretend game, I do all the time .Why upset them any more?
    Hope you are feeling a lot better
  8. Cymbaline

    Cymbaline Registered User

    Aug 23, 2007
    I think pretending is good. As it happens, my maternal grandmother died from Alzheimer's and now my mother has it. She knew herself what was happening to her and I can't articulate just how heartbreaking that was. More than once I got up in the morning and found her crying downstairs because she knew what was going to happen.
  9. sunset

    sunset Registered User

    Aug 23, 2007
    Hello..I'm new here...but I've all ready seen that I belong by reading the posts here. my how do you begin.........a promise we gave years ago to mother is now about to be broken, we have kept her at home for the past seventeen years. however now she is more like little child of 3 years old, shes busy tearing up everything she can get her hands on...esp. little a baby would pick up. we had three aides come in but as of last week but we found abusive condtions. Just this week my granddaughter was struck by a truck, son-in-law was in an accident on his way to the hospital, ex is in coma and current husband is terminal. please advise i don't think i can handle everything at once, plus like everyone else i wonder if I may be the next person in the family with alzheimers. sorry its long just needed to vent.
  10. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    Hi Bel,
    Yes, I pretend all the time and like others see no harm in it. And, in a nut shell mum's world was her reality so the only way forward was to join her and my world around mum became make - believe. I know many scorned me for that and felt it was best to be up front and correct her when see had things all ballsed up. My way definitily worked better, mum was aware at first something was wrong, but, firmly believed someone else was always at fault. Mum is now seven years into this disease and even though she is now in a home our little game still goes on. So your definitily not alone just one of the pretenders. Take Care. Taffy.
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    I wish I could pretend, but pretending days were over when my husband asked what was really wrong with him.

    Even so, in good moments when he believes he is getting better, it would be cruel to say anything otherwise, so I give him encouragement and agree how much better he is.

    When he remembers something, I joke, `There`s nothing wrong with your memory,` and he is comforted.

    But deep down, I`m sure he knows.
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Sunset,

    Welcome to TP.

    I understand your need to break your promise as you have far too much on your plate for any one person.

    Sometimes promises are made that become impossible to keep, with the best will in the world.

    Don`t think you might have Alzheimers just because you are so stressed out you are making mistakes or forgetting things. Depression and over anxiety cause all manner of mistakes to happen.

    I hope you can get more suitable care for your mother, and have some time for yourself. You can`t be expected to take on the responsibilities for everyone, however much they need you.

    Please keep in contact with TP. You will be well supported by very understanding people, who all know what suffering is.

    Take care xx
  13. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Dear sunset, you sound at the end of your tether. You can't possibly cope with all that without help.

    You're not breaking a promise to your mother. You have given her the best possible care for 17 years, and now she needs more care than you can possibly provide. You are making sure she gets it, and that's not breaking a promise.

    How are the other members of your family? I do hope your little granddaughter is OK. There is only so much stress that we can cope with. Do you have someone to talk to? Have you spoken to Samaritans? They're not just for the suicidal, you can ring them any time, day or night, and just talk.

    And please stay in touch with us. We do care, and will do our best to support you.

    With love and hugs,
  14. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    Dear Sunset,
    I also welcome you to TP. I hope that you find this forum helpful. You sure have more than your share of troubles. Sylvia and Hazel have given you sound advise. I am sorry that you are having to go through all of this, you have done remarkably well to care for your mum for so long. Sometimes things happen, and, it is out of our control and promises are broken you can only do so much. Sorry to hear about your husband and other relatives try and take care of your self. I wish you well in your journey ahead. Vent anytime you wish. Take Care. Taffy.
  15. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006

    thanks all for your replies
    i am in too much of a mess to take them all in but i know from your replies pretend is best -- no matter how hard it is
    hubby did a little job today that hag been waiting how long -----
    it would of took him half an hour before it took nearly all day even with my help
    and even then it still leaked but i praised him ---got him into jig saw he is doing he loved that
    love bel x
  16. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    dear taffy

    i have been told by family
    i should not pretend
    quote --if you dont tell him he will not know ---
    any better
    they just dont undrestand
    its not somthing they can correct
    love bel x
  17. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Bel. can`t your family understand that if he did know better, he wouldn`t be doing what he does in the first place.
  18. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    did not know better

    my fault sylvi
    i have put this brave face on for so long
    years and years
    to save them hurt
    which i am glad i did for them
    love bel x
  19. thegirlingreen

    thegirlingreen Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    hello there,
    iv just registered with this site following a course iv just finished in dementia care. iv read some of your posts and think you are all wonderful people. the elderly with a dementia have so much to offer and your love and dedication is simply amazing. i wish some of the staff where i work shared your views and had your love
  20. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007

    Dear Bel,
    Your family might feel that Bob should know about his illness, but, Bel you know Bob better than they do. If things are working out I truly can't see anything to be gained by putting a tag on it. As, Sylvia said the time came when her hubby wanted to know what was wrong and I think that in her heart she knew it was the right thing to tell him. I think it is all in the way it is asked and you would know the difference, as, Sylvia recognized. Bel, is Bob asking you outright what is wrong with him? Take Care. Taffy.

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