Hi,
Firstly, you poor thing. I have such empathy for you and would like to say it sounds as though you are amazing and doing a wonderful job holding it all together.
From reading about the hard time you are having and the replies from others doing their best to cope with their parents, is to know that, sadly, the situation, you, and I and others are in is so common. It can feel better to know that your situation with your mother is not unusual and there are lots of us in very similar situations.
My mother (identical behavioural patterns to your mother), is still living in the old family home. A massive house, where she is incredibly, lonely, isolated and frequently frightened. I have investigated several care homes that may be suitable for her but much of the time, she does not seem 'bad enough' (just yet) to need residential care. She just wants me. All the time.
She alternates between loving, fun, sweet and gentle company and then can behave in an aggressive, demanding, unreasonable and very upsetting manner, especially if I am not able to drop things and visit her when she demands. In a similar situation to yours, she resents the time that I am with me children and at my home caring for my own family and has made several 'hints' that the best thing for her would be to live in a little house next to me ... I realize this would not solve her problems as the illness will continue to get worse and I would end up with her demands increasing and taking over my life. Therefore, I think I have a choice. It is either to live my life with my husband, two young children and care for her as much as I can with visits, phone calls, arranging carers to visit her, take her to my dad (who has PD and is in a nursing home) - or, give up on my life and become her carer.
I have not come to this decision lightly. It may even appear harsh to you reading it. But ultimately it is about my sanity and my duty to my children and husband. I cannot be everything to all people and I believe I am entitled to my life - infact, my mother prior to her illness, was a fiercely independent woman who would have insisted on my having my own life.
I still have terrible anxiety and guilt about not being able to 'fix' her problems and make her happy, but I have spoken to medical staff and mental health nurses and even our appointed social worker for the past two years in order to get to this point. Speaking to professionals can be helpful as they have no emotion or connection and are able to be very objective and are also not in denial about the mental health condition (for example, I constantly refuse to accept how bad my mum is and am delusional in thinking she may even get better!).
Every day is a torment between doing what she would want me to do and doing what my head tells me is the sensible and right thing to do. I care for her greatly and we are incredibly close and have had a very loving and caring relationship for all my adult life. I am trying to ignore the rants and demands and unreasonable behaviour and have become an expert at distraction tecnniques. Even to the point of telling her my other phone is ringing, there is someone at the door, the washing is on the line and it has started raining! anything to get her off the phone when she is being difficult and then most of the time when I call her back she has forgotten the complaint and we start again with a new conversation. In person, this is harder, but I still try to point out something, come up with something amazing that I have 'just remembered' that I must tell her, or discuss someone walking past or in the room - anything to not get involved in confronting the issues of her unbalanced demands and opinions. I have started to learn that I cannot change her mind, point out the error of her judgement or expect her to be able to understand when she is being difficult.
Please, don't also take two years to reach the conclusion that your mother will sadly, as a result of her illness, not be able to stop putting pressure on you to do what she thinks she wants. You must not beat yourself up about trying to make things right. They can't ever be right, and there will be good days and bad days. I try to relish the good times with her and put the bad ones to the back of my mind.
My friends are a great comfort to me, telling me I am a caring daughter, doing my absolute best and must also think of my children, husband and indeed myself. I would say the same to you!
Hoping this get better for you very soon.