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Tis me again!

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
I have been working to have some me time and truly loving it. They have reduced my hours so that I can fit in mum's care which is excellent. Mum's condition however has deteriorated, she is accepting help in the form of carers which is a first, but feel that she will need a care home soon. Mum is accepting of it, her legs are leaking, she can barely walk, she has had 2 falls in 3 days, and we both believe the company in the care home will help her. I feel so very sad. Actually tearful, so sad. How do others accept when after years of being a carer for their parent(s) they have to accept they can't cope any more. It feels as if it s a failure for needing a care home now rather than being a success of caring for 20 years plus.

I know what I would say to others, and what I have said to others in the same situation, but now it is my turn I need the advice of others.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
61,172
68
Dundee
Hi Noorza. Nice to see you again.

I'm glad the job us working out but I'm sorry to read about your mum. I know it must be hard but at least she sounds accepting of the need for a care home. I have no experience of this but I suppose it must just take time to adjust.
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
Hello Noorza. I don't think I can give you any advice as I am yet to be in this position, but I can give you a shoulder, lots of sympathy, and many assurances that you have been a wonderful support to your mum for a lot of years, and there is no shame - and definitely no whisper of failure - if the time has now come for permanent full-time care for your dear mum.

My own mam had a difficult adolescence. She left school at 15 and started work, but after only a couple of years had to just about give up her own life to look after her bed-bound and very domineering mother. My dad more or less 'rescued' her from this situation.

Now that dementia has claimed my mam, he is fighting his own exhaustion in order to keep her at home with him. All he keeps saying is 'It's not fair. Your mam didn't have a good start in life, and now she's having the last years of her life ruined by this illness."

What he says is very true, but he's forgetting the 50 wonderful years of happy married life he gave my mam in between these two events. He couldn't change her early years and, sadly, he can't change what's happening to her now.

What I'm trying to say in my usual long winded way, is that you should think about those 20 years very carefully, and realise that you did a wonderful job of loving and caring for your mum. Circumstances may now mean that perhaps a different path would be better for both of you.

I hope my meanderings have helped, but if not, feel free to ignore!
 
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jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
12,813
England
Hello Noorza,

I am the other side of handing over some of the care for my husband to a nursing home.

It has happened a little differently than you because I was told I could no longer care because of his complex needs which necessitated a specialist nursing home and he receives CHC with 1:1 care.

But the final outcome is the same, he is in care.

You know and your Mum knows that things are reaching the stage where this level of care is needed and can't be carried out by one person.

You have cared for a very long time and now how you care will change but you certainly wont stop caring and the worry about your Mum wont go away.

I watch over my husband like a mother hen, I will be his voice if things are not as I want them to be. He has been in his nursing home now for 2 years and I have not had to say anything but I still keep my eyes and ears open. I go in daily because he is so poorly, I like to give him at least one of his meals, I chat away, I think he listens, I tidy his wardrobe, he always kept his shirts and trousers in a special order so I do that for him. I get to do all he nice bits of caring and I can go home at the end of my visit, sad but content in the fact I know he has the care and attention and medical staff on hand if anything happens. At home I was alone doing the caring.

Noorza as long as you take the time and care to make sure your Mum is in the right care home for her then your job has been a good one and one you should be proud of.

I am sad my husband is in a nursing home but I don't feel guilty he is there. 5 professionals told me the reasons why he needed this level of care and I accepted their help in fighting the battle against dementia. I know that we will never beat it but with their help we can hopefully fight on for a little longer.

Within he first 4 months of him being in the nursing home the look of torment that had been in his eyes for years faded, his self harming was less and his whole demeanour seemed to change. Friends said they felt he had stopped worrying about me and was more a peace with himself plus of course, he had lots of nice young ladies fusing over him.

So please Noorza, accept the help for your Mum and for yourself. Your Mum deserves the best and goodness knows you deserve to have others helping you too have some time, without worry for yourself.

Take care

Jay
 
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lizzybean

Registered User
Feb 3, 2014
1,366
Lancashire
Noorza, I'm not in your position but I echo everything that has been said. It is absolutely marvellous that you have been able to care for Mum for 20 years. The fact that now Mum needs extra help is not a failure. She is not safe anymore if she is falling. You know that & would be telling a fellow poster if they had posed that question.
Even if you gave up work & cared 24/7 you can't actually watch them 24/7 she could still fall.
In a care home (& I'm pretty sure this has been said hundreds of times, probably by you too!) she will be warm, fed, watered, safe etc etc. You will still be there for her, visiting, taking her out for lunch or a coffee. The caring doesn't stop, you just get to do the nicer bits.
 

angecmc

Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
2,108
hertfordshire
Hi Noorza, sorry to hear about your Mum, it is so hard going through the time when you realise that your loved one needs more care than you can physically and mentally give on your own. Just because your Mum may need to move onto residential care does not mean that you are no longer caring for her. I am still very hands on with my Mum, but I no longer have to worry about how Dad is coping with her at nights, I know she is well cared for by plenty of people watching out for her, she is sadly still awake most nights so Dad could never have coped. As Mum moves through to later stages it is a relief to know that I have help to care for her and also people to talk to about what we are all going through, it is nice not to feel so alone especially during the hard times of watching as she refuses to eat and drink and is losing mobility. Having someone else to help as I have to make some very hard decisions is a godsend at times. I hope you are able to find a nice caring home for your Mum and be kind to yourself, as always you are putting your Mum before yourself and thinking about what is best for her. Good luck xx

Ange xx
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
Sorry to have delayed my response but I have read your replies which have given me much comfort, for which I am grateful.

She has accepted a care package for three weeks which is a miracle but today she feels as if she is extremely poorly. After going through carers, community nurses, the GP, she finally accepted much to my relief she needs an ambulance, so tonight she is in hospital. She feels as if she won't make the night, and looking at her I can see why.

I pray that when they discharge this time they accept care packages of 4 x 15 minutes a day are not going to meet her needs. Why this government thinks anyone can really do anything significant in 15 minutes is well beyond me.

Her final carers call was gone 11 pm, she should be sleeping by then, it is cruel.

Tonight she is in hospital and safe, tomorrow is another day.


I was so touched that the ambulance man said how much he could see the care I gave and how he wished his other patient's families, gave the same level of care
 

jeany123

Registered User
Mar 24, 2012
19,036
70
Durham
Sorry to hear about your mum , she is in the right place and being looked after, that was lovely of the ambulance men to say that , you have done really well,
I hope she is feeling better soon and that you manage to get more help for her ,

Jeany xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,239
Cotswolds
So sorry to hear about your mum, Noorza :(

Thinking of you tonight, and hoping that your mum improves, and that you can get more help for her.

Well said, ambulance man! :)

Lindy xx
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
It looks as if her pain relief has gone wrong somewhere, her morphine patches have gone from 5mg to 10mg ( I think it is mg but the dose has been doubled) in a stroke. So now I feel really guilty as while I liaised with the GP and health care team I was at work when the meds were delivered and perhaps I missed something I could have prevented. I put my trust in the medical/care team to sort it out.

I'll try to get some sleep then go to the hospital later.
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,960
Brixham Devon
No Noorza-don't think that you have missed something:(

You have always been a loving Carer for your Mum, but you are not medically trained. You are Mum trained:)Perhaps the medics have just upped the pain relief as a temporary measure while they do more assessments.

One of the hardest thing for a Carer to accept is they can no longer give the level of care needed. Your Mum needs more care now from staff who have the resources to help; but you will always be your Mum's champion.After all you are her special girl which puts you higher in the pecking order than the medics/other carers:)

Well done for acknowledging that your Mum needs help-that is a brave thing to do. I hope you managed a few hour sleep

Thinking of you

Lyn T