1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

"This Morning", Valentine's Day

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Brucie, Feb 8, 2005.

  1. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    #1 Brucie, Feb 8, 2005
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2005
    Hi everyone

    I will move this to the Tea Room in due course but am posting it here as this is where most people come, first of all.

    For Valentine's Day, The Alzheimer's Society is producing a new booklet, called "Love is Forever", which features eight couples where one partner has Alzheimer's.

    The booklet is really well produced and Norman and I, with our partners, are two of the couples who agreed to take part.

    After Valentine's Day, I believe the booklet will be used as a standard handout, though someone from the Society will no doubt confirm that.

    When the Press Release for the booklet went out this week, The "This Morning" program on ITV contacted the AS and asked if they could include someone from the booklet on their Valentine's Day programme. I have agreed to take part, and so has Angela [I don't think this Angela posts on TP], who is also featured in the booklet.

    The programme goes out between 1030 and 1230 next Monday, 14th February.

    Speaking for myself, I have never been on live [or any other ] TV before, so am trembling at the thought.

    However, it is an opportunity to voice at least some of the feelings of a carer, and for the audience to see some of the challenges we all face. I am permitting them to film Jan and me as we do our usual crawling hour, on Friday. I have also made available photographs of us from the past 40 years. They are also filming Angela and her husband.

    The prime reason for the programme is to show that love overcomes even the challenges of dementia, so there won't be the opportunity to beat the drum over the huge issues of getting help for care. I'll do my best to get TP mentioned somewhere though!

    You will find the booklet featured at http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/News_and_Campaigns/News/050208love.htm

    My huge thanks go to the AS for such a fantastic idea and opportunity.
     
  2. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Brucie, Norman and Angela,

    Wonderful news. Thank you for taking AD out in to the open. It's a huge step.

    Jude xxx
     
  3. Chris

    Chris Registered User

    May 20, 2003
    243
    Sadly - not always the picture

    A big thank you for all invovled in "Love is Forever". and Good Luck for the big day at the studio.

    ******************
    There will be watching however some for whom these happy pictures will be a stark reminder of what has never been since dementia took a firm hold on their lives. For some reason its not always like this - In the end I saw the dementia as a wedge that drove deeper & deeper pushing my parents apart. Some may have theories about why this happens - I just know my parents were happy for 50 years then they were driven apart by some unseen thing. I hang on to the memory of one day (in about 7 years) when I saw their eyes meet & they were lost in happiness in each other. A little window in years of saddness. At least there was that.

    I look so enviously at the pictures of the couples in this new publication and feel for those couples for whom, who like my parents , the dementia years are not like this.

    So sorry to be negative.
     
  4. Katy44

    Katy44 Registered User

    Sep 14, 2004
    134
    Best of luck Brucie, I'll be recording it!
    I am deciding whether to suggest my Grandparents watch.
     
  5. emscub

    emscub Registered User

    Dec 5, 2003
    124
    Bath
    #5 emscub, Feb 8, 2005
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2005
    Go for it Brucie and well done Norm.

    Anything that raises awareness of the issues those coping with dementia have to face is fantastic. I'll be watching and rooting for you.

    Good Luck
     
  6. Kriss

    Kriss Registered User

    May 20, 2004
    513
    Shropshire
    We always knew you were a star - and that goes for Norman as well!

    Good luck

    Kriss
     
  7. storm

    storm Registered User

    Aug 10, 2004
    269
    notts
    Well done guys i cant wait to see you on T.V bruce it will be great to put a voice to the pics we have seen of you. Iam sure you will hear everyone from T/P cheering when you come on! storm
     
  8. bjthink

    bjthink Guest

    What stars you are! And what a wonderful booklet that is!
    Smashing! :)
     
  9. Mjaqmac

    Mjaqmac Registered User

    Mar 13, 2004
    939
    Good luck Braveheart and well done to Stormin' Norman. Will make sure dad watches this too, I think it may help him to not feel so alone in his situation with mum. Well done guys and thank you.
     
  10. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Thanks everyone!

    Chris - I'm sure that we have all been in the position where the dementia could have split us from our partners. It did for a very short time for me, with Jan. I was so confused.

    Circumstances are different for everyone, and the combination of symptoms that Jan had/has were such that I was able to hang on in there, and come to fall back in love with her, but in quite a different way.

    Not everyone will have the same combination of symptoms and things may be impossible to cope with in different circumstances. I can understand that; it could have been the case for any of us.

    I guess it is a bit like we feel when we see an older couple walking down the street, or on holiday, or contemplating moving to Spain for their retirement - we all feel that 'that could/should have been us!!!!!"

    But I do find it nice to know that for some, there are better outcomes.

    There's a Kathy Mattea song that includes the words "all the things that could have been, were never meant to be". Sad but true.
     
  11. barraf

    barraf Registered User

    Mar 27, 2004
    308
    Huddersfield
    "This morning" Valentine's Day

    Well done Bruce and Norman, it is a truly wonderful booklet.

    Good luck Bruce with the Broadcast, although I am sure you will not need luck.

    I have to agree with Chris that all couples do not have the same degree of togetherness shown by the couples interviewed. And I think it will be quite distressing to some people who do not have the same rapport.

    Margaret very rarely shows any affection now and does not respond well to overt signs of love, does not like to be touched, even holding hands is only suffered when in the street. Probably because she feel more secure, as soon as we enter anywhere she immediately releases my hand, in fact almost throws it away. She will not endure being cuddled or kissed and will not even sit close to me on the settee.

    I know perfectly well that this is not her, but the AD, and most of the time I can cope adequately, but something like this booklet does occasionally raise the ugly face of envy.

    I console myself with the fact that we had 50years together before this terrible illness drove her away, and live in hopes that this is a phase that will pass as some others have.

    Sorry to sound such a sour note on what should be a time for congratulation to all concerned with the production of this marvelous booklet, and I do truly congratulate them all.

    Barraf
     
  12. Chris

    Chris Registered User

    May 20, 2003
    243
    Reply to everyone

    Thanks for understanding, its always a knife edge - I remember a few years a go criticising the Alzheimer's Society for their posters that gave a very negative view of dementia - very heart rendering pictures & all doom & gloom & then those images of the very damaged brain . Shortly after, a newspaper article commented that charities (not just ours) did this as it was the best way to get more donations. I was very anti the negative images at the time - felt it made people feel worse & increased the fear & head in sand attitude & that awful "I'm sorry but there is nothing we can do " that I found so debilitating. Theres lots we can do to increase feeling of well being.

    Just to redress the balance a little - I am recording the programme on Monday & making sure lots of people see it - already people I've told - at Alzheimer's Society Branch & a carer who cant see it, have asked for the copy.

    Its gonna be good !!!! Hope you all get a good nights rest on Sunday .
     
  13. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Thank you all for your support.
    There was a time in the early days when we drifted apart,I felt like walking out,but I didn't.
    Once I got over the resentment and why us, we became closer than ever again.
    When I was at work I always had a soft spot for anything to do with dementia, when in an EMI hospital I used to feel so sorry for the poor souls,but I never thought it could happen to us,but it did.
    When I retired I still tried to raise the status and understanding of dementia,I still do,and will continue to do so.
    I still become angry at what has happened to us I still look at happy couples and think why couldnt it have been them and not us,why were we robbed of our future?
    Then I think of my own preaching day by day, and realise that there are many worse off than us,that is why I try to give some hope and comfort to others,that is why I will give my available time to help where I can and to further the cause of dementia sufferers. :(
     
  14. Chris

    Chris Registered User

    May 20, 2003
    243
    Dear Barraf

    I had the experience of Mum 'throwing ' my hand away on a number of occasions I felt a real pain in my chest when it happened. But I developed a little theory.

    Mum coudnt speak any more - and thinking back she used to hate a fuss - in fact she said "shoot me when I get to 60 " (60 !!!!! not so far off that myself now !!!!) Mum said that at a time when 60 was old & people often needed care much younger than now , people were no where near as healthy as now - long , long time ago !!!

    Mum so couldnt bear a fuss or being dependent - then when late stage dementia was on her & very frail etc it was natural for me to want to cuddle etc - but Mum was prob her old self inside - it was difficult to see that - there was so little left to do - touch was one of the few things- that and giving her food and drink whch she absolutely loved till the last weeks. Nothing else seemed to register with her at all - tho we dont know of course. Throwng my hand away was a way of saying "Go on now - I dont need you fussing over me - the girls here are lovely , they look after me, get on with your life - I'm alright" . We can interpret all we like - its only guessing but I know Mum wouldnt have wanted me to have done half of what I did - but it was my choice - and after all - our lives are are own. I did all I did out of love but I also saw it as a challenge - a mountain to climb - and it still is .

    Everything is entirely different for all of us & even more so when the relationship is a couple not parent & child. I waited & waited for Mum to care for me again - it diditn come - so now I look to memories of the time before and Mum comes to me in my head when I'm lesat expecting it now - now that shes not here any more. Its a great comfort. Day by day and you never know what tomorrow may bring.
     
  15. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    785
    Buckinghamshire
    First of all: well done, and congratulations to all who were involved in the production of the booklet - seeing Norman and Peggy's picture on my 'way' to TP stopped me in my tracks, and I think the publication is a lovely way to mark Valentine's Day.
    I shall certainly tape the TV programme, too.
    As for the debate on positive and negative images - that's life! Sometimes we respond one way, another time we feel differently. It was one of the negative pictures of an AS poster, that stuck in my mind and made me face up to my initial suspicions about my husband's condition. I knew "this is us!!", yet my mind was screaming "no!!!!". It made me weep, I kept trying to put it out of my mind, and when I eventually contacted the Alzheimers Society, I just broke down and sobbed. Nothing much had been said, it was just like 'coming out', admitting it to myself, and it was also the moment when I started facing up to it, and by gathering as much information as possible I have been able to try and salvage as much 'life' for us both as I can. Your happy Valentines pictures and stories are as uplifting as the AD poster was crushing.
    Happiness is ..... having the courage to change the things I can change, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.
    Happy Valentines Day to all. Carmen
     
  16. susan

    susan Registered User

    Aug 18, 2003
    125
    east sussex
    Dear Brucie and Norman
    I am so pleased that AD is being given a window on TV and i admire you for your braveness at going on TV live - wow i would crumple at the thought - go for it both of you.
    i do agree with Chris though - AD created a situation for mum and dad that mum was never able to get over partly due to the severity of his aggessiveness - and when he went passed that stage he was too far down the line for them to rebuild what they had - maybe that is why me and family have struggled so much with the last month and a half - as Chris said - not all situations are the same.
    I wish you all the best and will record it as i will be at work - look forward to seeing you both - all the best Sue
     
  17. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Well done to all concerned. Lionel & I were asked to participate, but we missed the dedline. My fault, I don't always check my PM's

    I sincerly wish all of you well, and a very spcial Valentine's day to you all.

    We went out last year, to out favourite Italian resturant, but it does not seem on the cars this year.

    Love to you all, keep smiling, especially Braveheart and Stormin Norman. Love Connie.
     
  18. Chris

    Chris Registered User

    May 20, 2003
    243
    I feel a total failure as if my parents were still alive and in the depths of despair, as they were when Mum was in the middle years of her vascular dementia and with all the awareness that often goes with that, I dont think I could ever accept having to watch them like that, with anything remotely resembling serenity.

    I appreciate the quote - and have found it helpful in the past for motivation but not in every situation. Accepting that your loved ones are desperately unhappy with no way out is a bit of a challenge. I tried not to be negative & tried everything imaginable to ease the situation. Time always solves things of course. But not in the way you want it to. Later all you can do is filter out the bad times and remember & enjoy good times - thats where I'm at now.
     
  19. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    785
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Chris,
    I did not write the quote - I just copied it, because it seems a pretty good motto. However, there is always a certain gap between 'theory' and 'practice', and I can't always find the courage, less still the serenity, nor the wisdom, believe me! But there is no harm in trying, and I think your idea of filtering out the bad memories and hanging on to the good ones is perfect. Just like my photo albums: they don't contain any pictures of sad occasions.
    All the best, Carmen :D
     
  20. Chris

    Chris Registered User

    May 20, 2003
    243
    Hello Carmen

    Sure ....didnt mean to be harsh ... sometimes its hard to pull yourself up - even looking up is hard !!! Take care .

    Chris
     

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