Hi.
I thought I’d update you all on how dad is coping after 2 months in his care home. As many of you know, dad lives in Scotland with no family close by. I live in Kent and dad’s only real family contact. I’ve gone from thinking I’ve done the wrong thing (even though it was dad who wanted to go into a care home), to feeling a bit better but still worried for dad being on his own (even though he’s been on his own with little family contact even when living at home for many years before this).
On the whole, conversations with dad are very similar to conversations I had with dad when he lived at home. Although dad complains (without making it clear what it is he’s actually complaining about), he doesn’t complain any more than he did at home. If he hadn’t complained as much as he had at home, I’d have worried this was all down to him being in the home - but I know it’s not as it’s no worse than it was then. So rather than worrying he’s in the wrong place, I am content that he’d complain wherever he is.
In fact, I’ve not experienced the deeply concerning phone calls from dad deeply depressed as I had when he was at home. I called the gp and mental health several times when dad was home out of concern for his depression. It was very worrying but gp etc said it was transient. He didn’t feel like that every day so weren’t keen to put dad on anti depressants. I’ve had no reason so far, in the 2 months dads been in the home for concern of depression so there’s a definite improvement there as it was weekly when he was at home. So that’s all good.
I find when I call dad that it’s an effort. I call his mobile and he doesn’t answer. So I call again. Then again. Then he answers. Or doesn’t, so I then call the care home who put their phone in his room to chat with me.
So it’s a bit of a chore just getting through to him.
I tend to call in the evenings to avoid the activities he may be participating in and to avoid meal times and snack times which is tricky.
The conversations are difficult though. The mood varies with dad. But generally speaking his conversations are very confusing. He will describe something in great unnecessary detail but as though he’s complaining about it but never actually getting to the point as to what it is he’s complaining about. Or why he’s describing it in so much detail to me. Or why he’s even telling me. I’ll make all the right noises to let him know I’m listening and understand what he’s saying (even if I dont understand why he’s saying it).
Then he’ll put on a ‘tone’ with me as if he’s telling me off. And speaking to me as though he doesn’t like me or as if I’ve done or said something wrong when all I’ve done is try to be cheery with him. Listen. Reply etc. He always thanks me a lot, for my calls though and tells me how important they are to him. I’ll never not call. I will always call. But it does feel such an effort. I only call once or twice a week and I feel guilty but there’s very little to talk about when I do.
I’m visiting next week. Taking a photo album and a bunch of puzzles and fiddle toys etc from a company called Relish for dad to keep in his own room. His own set of puzzles for him to use personally in his own room. All labelled of course. And lots of treats.
He seems settled in the home. I see photos of him on social media taking part in activities and he looks genuinely happy. In an ideal world he’d live at home with live in carers but he didn’t have the finances for that. His care home in Scotland will be paid for from the proceeds of his house sale (I sold the house within just 2 days on market at a very high above valuation offer) so I know dad will never need to leave the care home if he doesn’t want to which is a good feeling.
Sometimes I worry that he feels he’s been deserted. He’s never indicated this. It’s just my own personal worry. I do make dad aware that I follow him on social media and contact the care home regularly and they me to let each other know how dad is etc.
I call him. I send personal messages to his screen. I video call him. He’s certainly not deserted. But I still feel this at times.
I could move dad down here but the care homes here aren’t that great and their inspection reports are much the same. None stand out from the other. There are several good reasons for dad staying where he is but the only obvious good reason for moving dad down here would be if he felt he really wanted to be closer to the family with weekly visits rather than two-three visits a year.
I feel much better about things than I did initially when I first moved dad in. The nurses are great at keeping in touch. They reassured me (after I’d read reports that care home staff only take residents to hospital appointments, leave them there alone and come back for them). Dad had two hospital appointments so I started to worry about this and sought out someone who’d travel with dad and stay with him. He’s doubly incontinent as well so to me it would be inhumane to do that to someone. But having read this report in a newspaper I really started to feel ill with worry. The Nurses reassured me that they would never do that for all the reasons I mention. That they travel with dad. Stay with dad throughout. And bring dad back to care home. So I’m relieved to hear that. I’d always assumed all care home staff remained with the person at appointments so this really threw me.
What I’ve found with care homes is that you don’t always know all the questions to ask until you have someone living in one. And you just have to ask once you do know to put your mind at rest or make your own arrangements.
Anyway. I just wanted to update you all on how dad is doing and to share my feelings for anyone who’s toying with the thought of care homes right now.
You will feel upset. Worried. Sick to the stomach. Questioning if you’ve done the right thing. But give it time. It’s not their home but dad is I would say, coping mentally with this better than he did at home. Although I’m sure if I asked dad if he’d prefer to be at hime that he’d say yes. And when at home if asked if he’d prefer to be in a care home he’d also say yes. People say go with your gut feeling but even your gut gets tangled when you do finally push forward. Then after some weeks, reassess things and you’ll probably feel much better about it.
I wish anyone thinking about care homes all the best. It’s not easy.
I thought I’d update you all on how dad is coping after 2 months in his care home. As many of you know, dad lives in Scotland with no family close by. I live in Kent and dad’s only real family contact. I’ve gone from thinking I’ve done the wrong thing (even though it was dad who wanted to go into a care home), to feeling a bit better but still worried for dad being on his own (even though he’s been on his own with little family contact even when living at home for many years before this).
On the whole, conversations with dad are very similar to conversations I had with dad when he lived at home. Although dad complains (without making it clear what it is he’s actually complaining about), he doesn’t complain any more than he did at home. If he hadn’t complained as much as he had at home, I’d have worried this was all down to him being in the home - but I know it’s not as it’s no worse than it was then. So rather than worrying he’s in the wrong place, I am content that he’d complain wherever he is.
In fact, I’ve not experienced the deeply concerning phone calls from dad deeply depressed as I had when he was at home. I called the gp and mental health several times when dad was home out of concern for his depression. It was very worrying but gp etc said it was transient. He didn’t feel like that every day so weren’t keen to put dad on anti depressants. I’ve had no reason so far, in the 2 months dads been in the home for concern of depression so there’s a definite improvement there as it was weekly when he was at home. So that’s all good.
I find when I call dad that it’s an effort. I call his mobile and he doesn’t answer. So I call again. Then again. Then he answers. Or doesn’t, so I then call the care home who put their phone in his room to chat with me.
So it’s a bit of a chore just getting through to him.
I tend to call in the evenings to avoid the activities he may be participating in and to avoid meal times and snack times which is tricky.
The conversations are difficult though. The mood varies with dad. But generally speaking his conversations are very confusing. He will describe something in great unnecessary detail but as though he’s complaining about it but never actually getting to the point as to what it is he’s complaining about. Or why he’s describing it in so much detail to me. Or why he’s even telling me. I’ll make all the right noises to let him know I’m listening and understand what he’s saying (even if I dont understand why he’s saying it).
Then he’ll put on a ‘tone’ with me as if he’s telling me off. And speaking to me as though he doesn’t like me or as if I’ve done or said something wrong when all I’ve done is try to be cheery with him. Listen. Reply etc. He always thanks me a lot, for my calls though and tells me how important they are to him. I’ll never not call. I will always call. But it does feel such an effort. I only call once or twice a week and I feel guilty but there’s very little to talk about when I do.
I’m visiting next week. Taking a photo album and a bunch of puzzles and fiddle toys etc from a company called Relish for dad to keep in his own room. His own set of puzzles for him to use personally in his own room. All labelled of course. And lots of treats.
He seems settled in the home. I see photos of him on social media taking part in activities and he looks genuinely happy. In an ideal world he’d live at home with live in carers but he didn’t have the finances for that. His care home in Scotland will be paid for from the proceeds of his house sale (I sold the house within just 2 days on market at a very high above valuation offer) so I know dad will never need to leave the care home if he doesn’t want to which is a good feeling.
Sometimes I worry that he feels he’s been deserted. He’s never indicated this. It’s just my own personal worry. I do make dad aware that I follow him on social media and contact the care home regularly and they me to let each other know how dad is etc.
I call him. I send personal messages to his screen. I video call him. He’s certainly not deserted. But I still feel this at times.
I could move dad down here but the care homes here aren’t that great and their inspection reports are much the same. None stand out from the other. There are several good reasons for dad staying where he is but the only obvious good reason for moving dad down here would be if he felt he really wanted to be closer to the family with weekly visits rather than two-three visits a year.
I feel much better about things than I did initially when I first moved dad in. The nurses are great at keeping in touch. They reassured me (after I’d read reports that care home staff only take residents to hospital appointments, leave them there alone and come back for them). Dad had two hospital appointments so I started to worry about this and sought out someone who’d travel with dad and stay with him. He’s doubly incontinent as well so to me it would be inhumane to do that to someone. But having read this report in a newspaper I really started to feel ill with worry. The Nurses reassured me that they would never do that for all the reasons I mention. That they travel with dad. Stay with dad throughout. And bring dad back to care home. So I’m relieved to hear that. I’d always assumed all care home staff remained with the person at appointments so this really threw me.
What I’ve found with care homes is that you don’t always know all the questions to ask until you have someone living in one. And you just have to ask once you do know to put your mind at rest or make your own arrangements.
Anyway. I just wanted to update you all on how dad is doing and to share my feelings for anyone who’s toying with the thought of care homes right now.
You will feel upset. Worried. Sick to the stomach. Questioning if you’ve done the right thing. But give it time. It’s not their home but dad is I would say, coping mentally with this better than he did at home. Although I’m sure if I asked dad if he’d prefer to be at hime that he’d say yes. And when at home if asked if he’d prefer to be in a care home he’d also say yes. People say go with your gut feeling but even your gut gets tangled when you do finally push forward. Then after some weeks, reassess things and you’ll probably feel much better about it.
I wish anyone thinking about care homes all the best. It’s not easy.
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