I know this subject has been raised before, but I just wanted to talk about it, as I am finding it hard to deal with in a rational way. Our friend John is now safely living in a care home and the staff are all wonderful. He is self funding, and we hold LPA for Property and Finance so have been tasked with clearing and selling his house, as he has no family.
The last few months have been very traumatic ( see my other posts on DoLs etc) but we can now see, hopefully, calmer waters ahead. We have endeavoured to make his room more cosy and homely, moving in a favourite chair, his bookcase, books, pictures and momentoes. I found some photo albums which haven’t seen the light of day for many years, and we went through one of them together. John cried when he saw happy childhood photos and one of his mother. I felt awful ( we have never seen him cry before or show any emotion in over 40 years) and asked him if I should put them away for a while, but he said no, and when I suggested framing one or two of the loose photos he was in agreement. Now I am worried that he will get upset again when I take them in.
Also, he has recognised the ornaments etc, but hasn’t asked why we are bringing them in. He still talks occasionally about leaving and going home, and I have learned to deflect or divert successfully. However, now the house is being sold, and actually went on the market today, I am feeling really guilty that I haven’t told him, even though I know he won’t understand, and is confused over where he lives/lived, mostly referring to his childhood home.
He has also, in the last few weeks, started to say he hasn’t been visiting his mother and really should, and would we like to go. I have deflected this saying, oh yes when the weather is better etc, but one day I said that as he was 88 she would be over 120 and is no longer with us, and he said, oh has she died, but half an hour later continued to talk about visiting her.
I think my problem is coming to terms with not telling the truth, even though I know it would only bring upset, albeit temporary as he would forget again. I know it’s the kindest and selfless thing to do, but I really feel deceitful and that I have betrayed his trust in the only friends he has.
Coupled with going through over 50 years of hoarding every possession, every letter, bill, rooms filled to overflowing with clutter, I have tried to keep and treasure for him a very heavily curated selection of memorabilia for him. It’s like trying to hold onto fragments of a life and memories that are slipping away. Who am I to make these decisions over another life?
The last few months have been very traumatic ( see my other posts on DoLs etc) but we can now see, hopefully, calmer waters ahead. We have endeavoured to make his room more cosy and homely, moving in a favourite chair, his bookcase, books, pictures and momentoes. I found some photo albums which haven’t seen the light of day for many years, and we went through one of them together. John cried when he saw happy childhood photos and one of his mother. I felt awful ( we have never seen him cry before or show any emotion in over 40 years) and asked him if I should put them away for a while, but he said no, and when I suggested framing one or two of the loose photos he was in agreement. Now I am worried that he will get upset again when I take them in.
Also, he has recognised the ornaments etc, but hasn’t asked why we are bringing them in. He still talks occasionally about leaving and going home, and I have learned to deflect or divert successfully. However, now the house is being sold, and actually went on the market today, I am feeling really guilty that I haven’t told him, even though I know he won’t understand, and is confused over where he lives/lived, mostly referring to his childhood home.
He has also, in the last few weeks, started to say he hasn’t been visiting his mother and really should, and would we like to go. I have deflected this saying, oh yes when the weather is better etc, but one day I said that as he was 88 she would be over 120 and is no longer with us, and he said, oh has she died, but half an hour later continued to talk about visiting her.
I think my problem is coming to terms with not telling the truth, even though I know it would only bring upset, albeit temporary as he would forget again. I know it’s the kindest and selfless thing to do, but I really feel deceitful and that I have betrayed his trust in the only friends he has.
Coupled with going through over 50 years of hoarding every possession, every letter, bill, rooms filled to overflowing with clutter, I have tried to keep and treasure for him a very heavily curated selection of memorabilia for him. It’s like trying to hold onto fragments of a life and memories that are slipping away. Who am I to make these decisions over another life?
