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The night before the move!

Raindancer11

Registered User
Apr 6, 2018
27
0
It's the night before I take mum into her dementia care home and I am overwhelmed with anxiety and anticipation. I have her bag packed - I've had to buy everything new as her clothes are way too big now and literally hanging off her. I will take some older familiar things in when I can get into the house to collect and wash them ( impossible when she is there!). I have enough meds for a month and her favourite photos and ornaments etc. I know in my heart that it is the right decision and that she will be well cared for. They have already put her on the list for the hairdresser next week which she will love! We have worked out the 'love lie' we will use to encourage her out of the house and into the car. Still guilt is already raking me with her nails! I have no doubt that in a while, she will be happier than she has been in a long time - she is quite chatty and sociable. I feel guilt because I know the relief I will feel, when she is finally safe and sound and I can relax and have some real me-time mentally, emotionally and physically without the worry about that 'text or phone call'. I feel guilt because the day after, I have to go and pick up the cat who has been her trusted friend. I cannot have him as I have a dog that is not good with cats. I know it will be ok, I work for a vet who will health check and vaccinate him and I will find temporary boarding while I find a forever home for him.
I hate this thing called guilt - it's a monster, a negative voice that whispers in your ear. I am doing the best I can in the only way I can and that it is enough for now. Surely nurturing also means accepting that you cannot give your loved one the care that they need and finding people that can and will meet their needs moving on? Not really looking for an answer here, just off loading some uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. I am so grateful for this forum - you are such a comforting presence! Wish me me luck for tomorrow - fingers crossed!
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,312
0
Wishing you luck for tomorrow. I remember all those feelings so well. I'm not a natural liar and there I was not telling my mother the truth about where we were going. She thought we were off on holiday, and I wasn't disabusing her of the notion even though my love lie was she was moving near me until a place nearer my brother was ready. It was tough, and mum was far from happy when she realised where she was. However it was the best thing I could do for her. If she'd stayed at home she would have put herself in serious danger sooner rather than later.
You'll always find lots of support here. Certainly everyone here was so helpful getting me through the first few weeks of mum in a care home.
 

Raindancer11

Registered User
Apr 6, 2018
27
0
Thank you all for your messages! Moving into the care home was fairly smooth. Mum was initially resistant in the car but soon settled down. Luckily her lunch was waiting for her at the home which she happily demolished! The carers were fantastic at settling and relaxing her enabling us to slip away. She is settling in well, wandering around and exploring the home ( which I am pleased about - far better than sitting in a chair, staring at the wall as she was at home). All in all, so far so good - she is relaxed and chatty with people. I have no doubt in my mind that I made the right choice for her welfare.
 

Raindancer11

Registered User
Apr 6, 2018
27
0
Thats really good to hear.
Thank you for the update 😁
Thank you! There are only currently 18 residents in the home with 11 staff ( including people doing laundry, odd job people etc. ) It's a fantastic ratio which is comforting! The food was freshly cooked - they took great care to check on her health and nutritional requirements. While filling out all the forms I was able to hear them interacting with other residents and I can honestly say they were very caring and kind. I am at peace knowing that she is going to be very well cared for! I have just been sent another form asking about all of her likes and dislikes to help them tailor her care even more. Very happy so far!
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,690
0
Kent
I read your post on Sunday and meant to add. You summed up exactly my feelings 6 years ago...the night before! Felt guilt and deceipt knowing as I prepared dad's stuff exactly what I had planned and having to trick him with love lies to get him there. My first visit 3 days later was greeted with 'thank goodness you came back for me' as he was pacing the corridor displaying remarkable verbal clarity not seen that much at home, I had to turn my tearful face away a quick wipe, shoulders back, onwards. I still feel the pain about that night and the next day 3.5 years after he died. However I knew at the time and ever since it was the right decision for dad to get the 24 hr expertise he needed. You will have many bumps and blips alobg the way but you have made a good decision with love for your mum and at the right time.
I am glad it went fairly smoothly, especially in these tricky times and hope it continues well.
 

Raindancer11

Registered User
Apr 6, 2018
27
0
I read your post on Sunday and meant to add. You summed up exactly my feelings 6 years ago...the night before! Felt guilt and deceipt knowing as I prepared dad's stuff exactly what I had planned and having to trick him with love lies to get him there. My first visit 3 days later was greeted with 'thank goodness you came back for me' as he was pacing the corridor displaying remarkable verbal clarity not seen that much at home, I had to turn my tearful face away a quick wipe, shoulders back, onwards. I still feel the pain about that night and the next day 3.5 years after he died. However I knew at the time and ever since it was the right decision for dad to get the 24 hr expertise he needed. You will have many bumps and blips alobg the way but you have made a good decision with love for your mum and at the right time.
I am glad it went fairly smoothly, especially in these tricky times and hope it continues well.
Thank you! I had my first pod visit today which was a mixture of tears and smiles. She couldn't understand why I couldn't go in and be with her ( a familiar tale to all I am sure). I kept telling her that I had to go to work and distracted her by asking her about the plants and decorations in the room. It worked for a while until we had more tears and claims that no one liked her and no one talked to her - again not true, several nurses popped in while I was there and comforted her and spoke to her. Apparently she is having hair done today ready for Christmas - which will cheer her up. I spoke to the nurse on the way out who told me that mums sense of humour is shining through and makes them all laugh, so all in all she is startling to settle a little more now. Thank you for advice!
 

Jengregg

New member
Jan 13, 2021
2
0
It’s the night before for me today, I have felt positive up till now, that is was the right thing to do, she would receive better care. At the moment she sleeps, eats, very little, and then goes back to bed, she is 88 and was diagnosed with vascular dementia 14 years ago. My dad is 85 and has done his best but just can’t cope anymore. I live 200 miles away but used to visit every month but covid put a stop to that.
I feel she has deteriorated so much over the past 6 months that I wonder how much time she has left and feel so cruel that she isn’t spending her final time at home, in her own bed. But on the other hand it will be so much better for her to have proper care and support, if she will allow it lol, and to be with other people and be stimulated.
I am really struggling today and have no idea how I am going to get through dropping her off tomorrow.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,089
0
Hello @Jengregg . Such a hard decision that so many of us here have had to make but it does sound like the best thing for your mum - and for your Dad - and for you. Many members have great success stories about care homes! It is probably best to tell your mum that the move is temporary. The term convalescence home is often more acceptable than care home, and you can say that she is going there because the doctor says she needs a bit of extra care for a while, so you're not the bad guy.

It's tricky at the moment with visiting restrictions but the staff will be experienced in helping new residents to settle in and many care homes advise no visiting for the first week or so anyway.

Are you all prepared with labelled clothes, something to comfort your mum like a soft toy or favourite cushion? This is very difficult stuff but there will be lots of support and advice for you here, so keep checking in - and ask anything you need to.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,618
0
Yorkshire
hello @Jengregg
a warm welcome to DTP

I hope the move goes smoothly for all of you ....

sounds trite but maybe go for your exercise or treat yourself in some way or have some task to work on, simply so that you don't go immediately home to brood and worry

it's so hard, I appreciate, as heart rules over head .... you and your dad know that this decision is best for all though it doesn't feel that way

now you've found us, keep posting: it helps to share
 

Jengregg

New member
Jan 13, 2021
2
0
It’s the night before for me today, I have felt positive up till now, that is was the right thing to do, she would receive better care. At the moment she sleeps, eats, very little, and then goes back to bed, she is 88 and was diagnosed with vascular dementia 14 years ago. My dad is 85 and has done his best but just can’t cope anymore. I live 200 miles away but used to visit every month but covid put a stop to that.
I feel she has deteriorated so much over the past 6 months that I wonder how much time she has left and feel so cruel that she isn’t spending her final time at home, in her own bed. But on the other hand it will be so much better for her to have proper care and support, if she will allow it lol, and to be with other people and be stimulated.
I am really struggling today and have no idea how I am going to get through dropping her off tomorrow.
Update. It actually went really well!! Mum was whisked away when we arrived and the home has updated us to say she was sitting with the other residents having tea and cake and later on in the day had made a necklace and played bingo. So day one over and a huge relief . I know it’s very early days but fingers crossed she will be happy and thrive in this new chapter of her life xx
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
908
0
Update. It actually went really well!! Mum was whisked away when we arrived and the home has updated us to say she was sitting with the other residents having tea and cake and later on in the day had made a necklace and played bingo. So day one over and a huge relief . I know it’s very early days but fingers crossed she will be happy and thrive in this new chapter of her life xx
How lovely to hear good news !
It feels like it’s been in short supply recently, so very cheering to read your post.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,089
0
Update. It actually went really well!! Mum was whisked away when we arrived and the home has updated us to say she was sitting with the other residents having tea and cake and later on in the day had made a necklace and played bingo. So day one over and a huge relief . I know it’s very early days but fingers crossed she will be happy and thrive in this new chapter of her life xx

That's as good as it gets! Well done indeed. I hope your mum continues to enjoy her life in the care home and that you and your Dad can relax. It sounds a good place for her to be.