The lies!

[stagetom]

Me and my mum have been looking after my nan with dementia for years now. She has a real nasty streak that's started. She gives me and my mum the nastiest looks. She woke up late today and blamed me for not waking her up, which meant she didn't have breakfast etc said she was going to phone the police on me for neglect as I didn't wake her up or feed her food (I make all her meals normally) however she's got into the habit of not making food for herself and only eating if someone makes it for her. She also has diabetes so not eating makes her feel rough. I don't know what to do, I make all her meals but she doesn't eat them, I can't force her to eat them. When I go to work she doesn't eat, feels poorly and then blames me for going to work. I'm petrified she's going to call the police on me, she already phones family members and says I steal from her, which is so far from the truth

Don't know how much more I can take, we had social services out a few months ago for an assessment and they said she was absolutely fine and wouldn't need carers at all right now. She also keeps phoning an ambulance because she feels poorly or things she's dying and when they arrive they've said that we would really benefit from carers now to keep an eye on her and make sure she's eating/doing her tablets. We can't care for her by ourselves anymore

 

[canary]

Hello @stagetom

Im sorry to hear about the problems you are having with your nan. Unfortunately, all the things you have described, the nastiness, the accusations of stealing, the inability to prepare food, calling ambulance/police etc are all typical mid-stage dementia behaviours. Her memory loss and loss of life skills mean that she can no longer do things and forgets what everyone else has done for her, but she is aware that things arent going the way she expects, so she is blaming those people around her ie you and your mum.

I honestly wouldnt worry about her phoning the police. They may well have to check - just like the ambulance had to come - but (just like the paramedics) they will have come across it before and are unlikely to take it further. They may, instead, send a report about your nan to SS.

I would contact SS for an updated needs assessment for your nan. When they come to do the assessment, make sure that they know exactly what is going on. Dont leave your nan to do all the talking because she will undoubtably tell them that she is doing everything herself and doesnt need any help. I know this is what she really thinks, but its not true and the SW needs to know this.

 

[try again]

And be aware social services will happily sit back and watch you work yourself to death.

 

[stagetom]

And be aware social services will happily sit back and watch you work yourself to death.

We've had a few assessments from them already and they did nothing. The doctors requested an assessment and the paramedics. Her doctors surgery doesn't help, they seem to think she's doing rather well. I have even phoned dementia charities as a last resort to get help and advice and they can't do anything, they told me to go and do some breathing exercises to help me cope

 

[canary]

We've had a few assessments from them already and they did nothing. The doctors requested an assessment and the paramedics.

Why did they not do anything?
Was it because she said she was fine and you wernt able to explain what it is really like, or is it because they offered help and she said she didnt want it?

 

[Lucy Young]

And be aware social services will happily sit back and watch you work yourself to death.

Absolutely! The more I did for my mum, the more they let me until I had was at breaking point. Unfortunately I had to take a step back in order to get my mum the professional help she desperately needed

 

[stagetom]

Why did they not do anything?
Was it because she said she was fine and you wernt able to explain what it is really like, or is it because they offered help and she said she didnt want it?

They came out, we told her what she was like at home etc but they said as long as she can get up and make herself a cup of tea shes not bad enough to need carers

 

[stagetom]

Absolutely! The more I did for my mum, the more they let me until I had was at breaking point. Unfortunately I had to take a step back in order to get my mum the professional help she desperately needed

I wish I could do that, at the moment I can’t quite afford it and even when I’m at work she phones family members saying I’ve left her, abandoned her, doesn’t care about her, says shes so alone even when I’ve only been gone for a few hours

 

[Misslovely]

I wouldn’t worry about your Nan ringing the police. My Mum has done this a few times. The first time they came out and now they have my phone number they ring me to check.

Would it be free Care for your Nan? If you can monitor your her weight and she starts losing weight then that would mean that social services would have reason to put carers in place to make your Nan meals and to make sure she eats.

It’s a difficult situation you are in and can sympathise. My Mum can be difficult and nasty because she doesn’t understand why she needs all the extra help around the house.

 

[canary]

They came out, we told her what she was like at home etc but they said as long as she can get up and make herself a cup of tea shes not bad enough to need carers

That seems very strange to me. OH can still make himself a cup of coffee, but he has had carers for a while now

 

[Chizz]

I wish I could do that, at the moment I can’t quite afford it and even when I’m at work she phones family members saying I’ve left her, abandoned her, doesn’t care about her, says shes so alone even when I’ve only been gone for a few hours

Hi @stagetom
How does your mum feel about the situation?
You need a united front between the two of you.
I know its always easier said than done, especially from a distance.
In my view, please try not to worry too much about your nan and her making phone calls or threatening to do so, or what she says about you (stealing, abandonment, etc) because you KNOW what the position is and you KNOW its not you or your fault.
If you really want the LA ASS to step in, then its got to be at crisis point - you and your mum would have to stop doing things and tell LA ASS you're at breaking point and can't go on, and be prepared to demonstrate it.
As a start, try and get your mum into respite care for one or two weeks - it doesn't matter what she says she wants or not, it's what you NEED.
[My OH soon forgot how to use a phone.]

Best wishes.

 

[Jakesterblack]

Me and my mum have been looking after my nan with dementia for years now. She has a real nasty streak that's started. She gives me and my mum the nastiest looks. She woke up late today and blamed me for not waking her up, which meant she didn't have breakfast etc said she was going to phone the police on me for neglect as I didn't wake her up or feed her food (I make all her meals normally) however she's got into the habit of not making food for herself and only eating if someone makes it for her. She also has diabetes so not eating makes her feel rough. I don't know what to do, I make all her meals but she doesn't eat them, I can't force her to eat them. When I go to work she doesn't eat, feels poorly and then blames me for going to work. I'm petrified she's going to call the police on me, she already phones family members and says I steal from her, which is so far from the truth

Don't know how much more I can take, we had social services out a few months ago for an assessment and they said she was absolutely fine and wouldn't need carers at all right now. She also keeps phoning an ambulance because she feels poorly or things she's dying and when they arrive they've said that we would really benefit from carers now to keep an eye on her and make sure she's eating/doing her tablets. We can't care for her by ourselves anymore

Hi came across your post when i searched social work as i'm in similar situation having ongoing battle with mum, working full time and she is refusing care now social work are going to do yet another assessment this will be the fourth one in three years.... i said I can't go through another year like last year and something has to be done... I can totally sympathise with you I'm at the end of my tether ... always here if you want to talk