The Dreaded Day has arrived...........

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by melbee, Aug 10, 2007.

  1. melbee

    melbee Registered User

    Sep 23, 2006
    21
    North West England
    Hi all,

    Today is the Day my Mum is leaving hospital and moving to her 'new home'.

    I am sitting here completely numb and know I have a hundred things to do, but dont know where to start. I keep going into Mums lounge and bedroom (she lived with us for a short time) to get her things packed to take and just keep crying. Mum has so many wonderful momentos and trinkets, photographs of her family etc I dont know where to begin.
    Luckily my hubby and little girl are not here to see me in this state, as they have gone to the airport to collect my sister who is coming up for a few days.

    I keep telling myself to be strong, because Mum needs me, but my heart is breaking. Mum doesnt want to go into the home and I still believe she thinks she is coming back here with us.

    This is a time where I really need my Mum to cuddle me and tell me it will all work out. I am a mature woman, wife and Mum myself, but I feel like a little girl again and the pain just wont go away.

    Please can anyone advise me if there anything practical that I should do regarding Mums move today that I may not have thought about as I am not with it at the moment.

    Take care all
    Mel
    xXx
     
  2. germain

    germain Registered User

    Jul 7, 2007
    342
    Hello Mel

    You just have to hold onto the fact that you are doing your very best for your Mum, keeping her safe, warm, secure etc. and doing it out of love for her and concern for her welfare.

    We've just gone thro' this with our Mum and it was really hard. It took a while for me to sort out my own personal sentiment about breaking up my childhood home etc - which really wasn't important in the end - and get to a stage where I knew we were doing the best thing for HER.

    On a practical side - our Mum wasn't ever the most organised person in the world so we moved all her stuff in and got it arranged before she arrived at her new home. Would your Mum like this or would she like to sit with you and direct where everything goes ? This could give her a "stake" in her new home.

    Will be thinking of you today. All the best
    Germain
     
  3. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9,222
    #3 DeborahBlythe, Aug 10, 2007
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2007
    Hello Mel, here's wishing you a really good day today. I have just one quick thing to mention. All those trinkets and mementoes: only take the ones you don't mind losing. My mum even lost a wedding ring at one of her homes! And some necklaces disappeared too. Leave valuables at home for the moment and take other things your mum will recognise and enjoy, cushions, framed photos, pictures for the walls. I 'm not saying that care staff can't be trusted but sometimes residents wander into each others rooms and sometimes the temptation is too big for someone or other.
    I'm sorry this is a bit of a sombre thing to mention but better to be safe than sorry. Hope that your sister will be able to share the responsibility with you a bit and that your mum manages to settle in very quickly. Much love, and good luck. Deborah xx
     
  4. allylee

    allylee Registered User

    Feb 28, 2005
    180
    west mids
    Dear Mel,
    my mum went into a residential home in March, and I had to move her again to an EMI home two weeks ago.
    The grief, guilt , the beating yourself up is almost too much to bear and my heart goes out to you and your mum.
    Take comfort from the fact that you are acting in your mums best interests, that she will be safe.
    I have to say that physically after a few weeks in the home , my mum looked so much better. They established a routine that we never could of achieved at home and she seemed to respond to this.
    I made a fuss of mums last day at home, I invited some of her closest friends for lunch, but this was a mistake. Mum was confused and agitated , not recognising many of them.
    My advice would be to keep the move quiet and low key with the minimum of fuss.
    My thoughts are with you Mel.
    Love Ally xx
     
  5. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex

    I know exactly what you mean...........

    On the practical side, make today as matter of fact as you can, we took Mum's things to the home and let the staff unpack with her when we had left.

    Make sure her clothes are labelled and valuables are best kept in your own home.

    You will be strong in front of your Mum, but be prepared for an emotionally draining day for yourself though.

    I will be thinking of you.

    Kathleen
    xx
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,859
    Kent
    Dear Mel.

    The position you are in today is not a good position to be in. It`s a very sad occasion and nothing anyone says will make it easier.

    Just try to bear in mind the situations that have brought you to this stage.

    I would edorse Deborah`s warning re objects of sentimental or monetary value. Keep those at home. My mother`s wedding ring also disappeared. I`m accusing no-one, my mother probably took it off to play with, one ring was given back to me, it was found in her mouth.

    But take care Mel, I hope today isn`t as bad as you fear.

    Love xx
     
  7. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    723
    London
    Dear Mel

    My thoughts are very much with you as I am currently trying to find a home for my parents and it is a very emotional time already. If your Mum is like mine, I would keep it simple, a few photos etc. I think I will find it useful to let my Mum think she is still in charge as she has run her own home for so many years, so possibly consult her as much as you can, ie. about where to put photos etc. Just a thought, I hope it doesn't sound too daft.

    I would agree about keeping valuables away and as has been said not because of dishonesty of staff etc., just simply that things can so easily be misplaced and lead to unnecessary distress.

    It it helps at all, I was speaking to a friend yesterday who has had her mum in a home for many years and she said that the relief for her when her mum was settled in a home was overwhelming as she had been so worried about her for so long and now knew that she was in a safe place and cared for.

    My thoughts will be with you today, not only because I am now going over to my parents to show them some pictures of possible homes for them.

    The very best of luck.
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,859
    Kent
    That`s such a good point Fifi, I`d almost forgotten.

    We had so much anxiety about my mother`s safety, getting lost, running away, setting the kitchn curtains on fire when bread got stuck in the toaster, defrosting and refreezing food, leaving front and back doors unlocked, the relief in knowing she was being cared for 24/7, was tremendous.

    Thank you for reminding me. I hope you find somewhere lovely for your parents and can enjoy their company at visiting time, rather than being worn down.

    Love xx
     
  9. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    Hello there - hope the day goes well. I am sure when it is all over and your sister is with you, you will feel much better.

    At least you know there are many understanding people here and you are getting virtual 'cuddles' through this website.

    Practically I find it useful to make a list - putting priorities at the top - and when you have coped with those everything seems easier slightly less important.

    Will be thinking about you Take care Beckyjan
     
  10. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Mel

    Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you today. I do hope all goes well, and your mum settles without too many problems.

    Love,
     
  11. lizzie2596

    lizzie2596 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2007
    91
    Hi Mel

    Having been through the same just a few weeks ago I totally sympathise with your feelings and am still agonising over what I should take to Mum's CH and what should I keep safe at home.

    What I have found is that things do go missing regularly and I am glad that I haven't taken too many of Mum's belongings in - she has already lost one pair of glasses. There were bits and pieces in her room already so the place is not bare. There are often extra things in Mum's room that she has probably picked by mistake.

    Make sure that EVERYTHING is named and listed in her care file and then, as time goes on you'll be able to judge whether to take more in. Do make sure extra things are added to the list in her file. You will be able to deposit money in the main office to cover any extra expenses, eg hairdresser.

    I hope that helps and good luck

    Liz x
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,859
    Kent
    How did it go, Mel? I hope you are OK.

    Love xx
     
  13. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    723
    London
    Dear Mel,

    I do hope it was all OK, I was thinking of you.

    Dear Sylvia,

    Thanks for the kind message, this sort of thing is made so much easier now I know there are so many others out there with the same issues. I have found a lovely place and my brother and I are taking our parents over there for tea next week to see if they like it. My fingers and toes are crossed until then - ouch it's really uncomfortable.

    Thanks again for the support.
     
  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,859
    Kent
    Fifi, I`ll cross my fingers and toes for you too. It will be worth the discomfort.

    Love xx
     
  15. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Fifi, fingers and toes (and eyes) crossed here too.

    Love,
     
  16. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    723
    London
    Sylvia, you really don't have to!!! I would hate to be responsible for some terrible injury! I may report back on our visit, I think it may be one of those "you have to laugh" posts, as my Mum got confused today (again) and thought it was me that was moving house.

    Ho hum.
     
  17. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    723
    London
    Dear Hazel,

    You too! You are all so kind, but I am not, repeat, not going to submit you to such discomfort. It is just that the place I have found "ticks all the right boxes" and I'm terrified something will go wrong. (They even don't mind if my Dad takes in his gin and dry martini for a quick snifter before meals).
     
  18. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Sounds good to me! Would they have room for me?
     
  19. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    723
    London
    Well, you'd want a nice single malt, I expect, but I'm sure you and my Dad could come to some arrangement as he likes that too!

    Before I get blamed for taking this thread off the main subject, I just wanted to say that it is nice that homes are fairly lenient about this sort of thing as it is these little things that make going into a home a bit more bearable. I hope Mel finds some nice treats her Mum can enjoy.
     
  20. forgetmenot

    forgetmenot Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    25
    London
    care home

    Dear Mel

    You are not alone in your feelings. many of us have gone through this. You are doing the right thing and you know your mother will be well cared for. She will soon settle and forget where she is. She may be angry and will come out towards you but do not take it personal. You have to think of yourself and your family and what is best for you all.

    Please do not feel guilty.

    Linda
     

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