1. sheilarees53

    sheilarees53 Registered User

    Apr 11, 2006
    37
    Beckenham Kent
    I haven't posted on here for a long time but I log in every day and read all the threads.
    My lovely mum has been in an EMI Nursing Home for nearly a year now. She is totally reliant on the nursing staff to do everything for her.
    She is very confused, doesn't remember what happened five minutes ago, although she has always remembered who I am.
    The thing I find the hardest to deal with is that all the time I am with her she begs me to take her home with me
    I cannot distract her in anyway, I have tried lying, which I hate doing. I explain, in simple terms why she is where she is but she thinks she can do things for herself and doesn't need a lot of help. She then says I don't love or want her anymore which is heartbreaking.
    Does anyone have any hints that have worked for them in the same situation.
    I suffer with severe clinical depression and am really struggling to cope with the situation. I have to force myself to go and see mum at the moment because every visit ends with both of us in tears.
    My dad died in a Nursing Home nearly seven years ago and he used to beg me to help him to die and this is bringing it all back again.
    Thank you for letting me get some of this off my chest.
    My best wished to everyone on this wonderful site.
    Sheila
     
  2. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    Dear Sheila,
    My Mum also needs everything to be done for her and she can't walk. When she wants to come home with me, I try and distract her by saying that's it's nearly her dinner/tea time and the chef has made a nice meal for her. She probably knows she can't come with me, but I always promise to see her later on. It is very distressing and a relief in a way that she thinks she is somewhere else quite often. Sometimes on a boat, in a school or on holiday.
    There are no easy answers, but perhaps it is best to limit visits and not go every day so she would be very upset if you couldn't come because of illness. Mum thinks that various members of the family are somewhere in the home.
    Take care of yourself so you can enjoy your time together,
    Kayla
     
  3. Courage

    Hello Sheila
    I'm sure more seasoned experienced members can give you help and support but having read your message I just want to say how very brave and caring you are to support your mother by visiting despite all your adversities. Do you see it that way too? It sticks out a mile in your message. You have true courage. You could stay away but you don't.
    I visit my father when I'm over and I'm not sure he knows me any more. Sometimes there is something in his eyes. His facial expressions have gone and his speech is repetitive and more sensory now although he can create utterances of Oh, yes, no, I see. It's so hard to equate my father with the person in the home. But we have to be there don't we, through thick and thin.
    My mother, his carer, died last September and I really struggled with whether we should tell him or not. The advice from the experts was don't lie and tell him then those around him could talk without deceit. It broke up my relationship with my older sister. She didn't want him to know. Now she says she never wants to speak to me again. My younger sister wanted me to tell my father which I did with 5 of the family in a quiet room in the home. The Clinical nurse had coached me to talk in short simple sentences with concrete nouns and verbs e.g. not 'passed away' but 'died'. I'll never forget that 2 minutes

    -Dad?
    he looked
    -Mum had a fall
    Oh
    -She went to hospital
    Oh dear
    -and she died
    Oh my God

    at that point we knew there was some understanding but no external emotion. Did I do the right thing in the end? Was my older sister right? Well it's over now and done and we don't need to lie or deceive. The grand children know he has been told so we can talk about mum in the past if necessary.
    So difficult Sheila and I haven't shared this with anyone outside the immediate family until now. It probably doesn't help you but it's at least good to share, isn't it?

    The very best wishes

    Brianj
     
  4. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    88
    Surrey
    When my Mum said that today I just said "I wish I could" she seemed more able to accept that than when I go into long explinations of why it is not possible. I do not know if it will work tomorrow but will give it a try.
     
  5. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    3,511
    #5 Nebiroth, Mar 28, 2007
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2007
    How awful. How often do you visit?

    Perhaps you should consider visiting less often. This sounds cold and cruel, but the chances are that your mum may not notice the difference if she does not remember things from five minutes ago then she may not remember how often you visit, or even if you visit, or even that you exist at all (when you are not actually there). She may think that you haven't seen her for weeks, or at all, or on the other hand think you've visited recently even when you haven't.

    At the moment it sounds as though your visits are causing terrible distress to both yourself and your mum. Perhaps you should discuss it with the staff, find out if your mum ever asks about you when you are not actually there, when you are coming to see her etc.

    I know this sounds harsh and cold, but it will not help things if your mum gets so distressed every time you visit, nor if you drive yourself into a breakdown by forcing yourself though this each time. It may also be what is making your mum so unsettled.

    As a family we went through this with my Gran in her final year in the care home. Visiting her just caused us and her great distress, she did not really know us but vaguely knew something was wrong. In the end we stopped going unless it was a special occasion, it really made no difference to Gran because she could not remember whether she had seen us or not and would forget as soon as we left. It made us feel guilty that were were not "dutifuly" visiting, you always feel as though you should, but it was just making things worse for her and us. It was a hard decision to make .
     
  6. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Sheila

    I totally empathise with you. My mum has been living at the NH since last September. Each time I visit she says she hates the NH, nobody talks to her, and she wants to live with me. No diversion tactic has ever worked, and the longer I stay, the more agitated she becomes. I had to admit to myself that her needs are now beyond my capabilities. I too suffer with clinical depression.

    How do I cope, its never easy, I have to take many deep breaths before I go into see her, because I know I’m going to come away in bits.

    I telephone and talk to the staff on a daily basis. They tell me she is fine, (she has a ‘special friend’ who she sits with and chats to every day, all day). She eats and sleeps well etc.

    There are photographs of her on the Unit enjoying the various activities e.g. old time dancing etc., so I take comfort in the knowledge that she is being better looked after than I could possibly manage

    I don’t visit that often, she never remembers that I have been to see her, or taken her out, and thats just after 5 minutes of my leaving, whenever she is asked when she last saw her daughter, it’s always 5 years ago.

    So Sheila, maybe you too could take comfort in the fact that your mum is living in the best possible place for her needs now. Maybe cut down on your visits, but keep in regular telephone contact with the staff so that you will know how she is.

    There really is no easy answer; we all suffer from the dear old guilt monster, but maybe now its time to start biffing him on the nose!!

    Best wishes

    Cate
     
  7. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    similar

    similar things are happening with my mother. She hasnt been in the home for long and she absolutly hates it. She refuses to join in with anything despite their efforts, wont eat the food and in her more lucid moments threatens suicide.
    She has from the outset behaved as if she is there on a temp basis waiting for "something" to happen, referring to "when I get out of here".
    There is no way she could ever live independently, and I have no room to have her with me even if I could cope with her which I cant., she is immobile from a badly broken pelvis, can no longer see very well and it confused about 75% of the time.
    I tried many times to explain the reasoning to her, but she would get exceedingly upset to the degree of becoming very abusive which was upsetting for me .Clearly she didnt understand any of it anyway.
    After a very difficult visit at the weekend when I brought her here for dinner, and an even more difficult visit today when she claimed she could live in my shed, then that she believed I was buying a house for us all to live together (never discussed before). I pointed out to her that wasnt possible, and she said she had been waiting for me to suggest it. She was then getting increasingly tearful and irrational, saying hearbreaking things like nobody wants her. I have finally decided to stop my daily visits to her.
    Its not good for her to be so upset and its not good for me as I have now been diagnosed as hypertensive too.
    I love my mother very much but im now convinced an occasional visit is going to be better all round, and may even lead to her settling in better as the staff tell me she simply refuses to talk to them, even to ask for things like incontinence pads, because she says her daughter will deal with it all, simply sitting in her room waiting for me to arrive, so she can then abuse me.
    She is convinced I have stolen all the money from her recent bungalow sale, being unaware of course of the care home fees. She says I creep into her room at night and pull "twisted faces" at her and push her out of the bed. I genuinly think now it will be better to see her less.
     
  8. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    1,157
    hi sheila

    you have my upmost sympathy, my mum is in a dementia ward at a local hospital and my dad visits everyday and everyday mum begs him to take her home what weve found is we have to get the nurses to distract mum by taking her to the loo or just by talking to her while we make our escape, which is not a nice thing to do we drive home feeling very guilty, and full of dread for the next visit.

    however mum is allowed home for 2 days a week and the look on her face as we take her home is priceless although getting her back is not so good :(
    ive brought her home today and she said "it will be a long time before i go back to that place":rolleyes:
    if only

    good luck wish i could offer some more practical advice for you
    donna
     

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