Struggling

[Rosie42]

Hi, I am a new addition to this forum. My father has vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s disease and has been in a care home for a couple of months. This was something that as a family we did not want to do but in the end we did not have a choice. Everything has happened so quickly this year and things have changed so much I feel like I am in some sort of story that is not real. I find it incredibly difficult to express any emotions, I feel like I have an enormous knot in my stomach and also that I have become incredibly hard. I don’t like this hard side of me, I’ve always been sensitive and quite emotional but that seems to have gone.
It’s really hard to talk to other family members as we all seem to be putting brave faces on and trying to stay strong for Dad and our incredible Mum too. Does this resonant with anyone?

 

[Izzy]

Hi @Rosie42 and welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry to read of your dad's situation. So hard for all of you. I do recognise the feeling of putting on a brace face and not being able to talk about how you really feel. I'm glad you've found Dementia Talking Point. You'll find so much support here. There's always someone here to listen. It's a safe place to share your worries and feelings - and just have a rant if that's what's needed.

Wishing you strength. .

 

[Grannie G]

I feel like I have an enormous knot in my stomach and also that I have become incredibly hard. I don’t like this hard side of me, I’ve always been sensitive and quite emotional but that seems to have gone.

I doubt it`s gone @Rosie42, you are probably holding it in.

As a family you have done something which was the last thing in the world you will have wanted for your dad and it hurts. It hurt me making the decision for residential care for my husband and it hurt our son too but it was a necessary decision because we could no longer meet his needs.

It turned out really well for me and my husband. He gained weight and became much more contented and my time with him was happier than it had been for years.

Give yourself time to adjust to this new way of life. Try to talk to each other if you can.

 

[Pete1]

Hi Rosie42, it does resonate with me, and it is an awful feeling. I dealt with it with both Mum and Dad - Mum went through it with Dad too so it was especially heartbreaking to see her go the same way. What I can say is that I fought (myself really) for my Mum not to go into Residential Care when in reality she improved greatly (after a settling in period) when she finally did as it was no longer safe at home. I think most of us have feelings of guilt, but also the constant anxiety (on the changing condition) and a feeling of loss - as the dementia takes hold of our loved ones you can also have a feeling akin to bereavement, which often you only recognise with the benefit of hindsight. I was like you - I really didn't like to talk about it and took a lot on my shoulders - I wish now that I had shared more with the family. I hope this forum can provide some support and comfort. Take care of yourself.

 

[canary]

Its really difficult to talk to people (even other family members) who have not been involved in caring for someone with dementia - only people who have actually done this really understand. I find that OHs brothers and their families think I should just get on with it and come up "helpful" suggestions

This is the great thing about DTP, everyone here understands. Nothing is off limit, so you can tell us what it is like and offload here.

 

[Bunpoots]

Welcome from me too @Rosie42

I'm sure the real you is in there somewhere. I found the whole dementia situation heartbreaking, confusing and so overwhelming that I too had to become "hard". My release while I was caring for my dad was to share my feelings and thoughts with the people here. My family didn't understand but if yours do then talk to them as well. It helps so much to know that others feel the same.

My dad also had Alzheimer's and VasD and eventually it defeated me and he had to go into care. It was a difficult transition but I know he was well cared for there and am glad in retrospect that I made that decision for him.

 

[Buttercup24]

Hi, I am a new addition to this forum. My father has vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s disease and has been in a care home for a couple of months. This was something that as a family we did not want to do but in the end we did not have a choice. Everything has happened so quickly this year and things have changed so much I feel like I am in some sort of story that is not real. I find it incredibly difficult to express any emotions, I feel like I have an enormous knot in my stomach and also that I have become incredibly hard. I don’t like this hard side of me, I’ve always been sensitive and quite emotional but that seems to have gone.
It’s really hard to talk to other family members as we all seem to be putting brave faces on and trying to stay strong for Dad and our incredible Mum too. Does this resonant with anyone?

 

[Buttercup24]

Hi Rosie,
I can relate to how you feel, do not bat yourself up, it is very emotional seeing the person you love with this illness.
My mum just looksat me with empty eyes, you are not along.