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Struggling to cope with everything

GrandaughterMolly

Registered User
Feb 17, 2020
21
Hi,

I’m currently caring for my grandad in my family home where both my parents live. My grandad has dementia but has just moved into an isolated flat within our house and I’m his full time carer.
I’m really struggling to cope with everything at the moment as I’ve got a part time job to be able to afford to do things and pay rent and my hours this week for half term have been doubled and it’s causing loads of stress. My mum has a full time job but my dad is retired.
I’m really lucky to be getting some money from my grandad to be able to live on and function but I’m finding that because my hours have been increased this week my mum is holding this against me and blaming me and saying I’m not helping enough.
How do I cope with not only the emotional stress of caring but also a mother who expects too much and parents who do very little?
Thanks x
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
473
channel islands
Hi,

I’m currently caring for my grandad in my family home where both my parents live. My grandad has dementia but has just moved into an isolated flat within our house and I’m his full time carer.
I’m really struggling to cope with everything at the moment as I’ve got a part time job to be able to afford to do things and pay rent and my hours this week for half term have been doubled and it’s causing loads of stress. My mum has a full time job but my dad is retired.
I’m really lucky to be getting some money from my grandad to be able to live on and function but I’m finding that because my hours have been increased this week my mum is holding this against me and blaming me and saying I’m not helping enough.
How do I cope with not only the emotional stress of caring but also a mother who expects too much and parents who do very little?
Thanks x

Apologies for being nosey but may I ask how old you are and what you do for work? What has brought you to this situation that you are looking after your grandad? In the meantime I think you are under alot of outside pressure and others on TP may have some very good suggestions to help you. Please keep posting, we are all here to support you please do not feel you are alone.
 

RosettaT

Registered User
Sep 9, 2018
458
Mid Lincs
I don't blame you for having a part time job. Besides the money side it's good for you get out and mix with other people, caring can be very isolating.
Who looks after your Grandad when your are working? or does he not need to have someone with him all the time.
 

GrandaughterMolly

Registered User
Feb 17, 2020
21
Apologies for being nosey but may I ask how old you are and what you do for work? What has brought you to this situation that you are looking after your grandad? In the meantime I think you are under alot of outside pressure and others on TP may have some very good suggestions to help you. Please keep posting, we are all here to support you please do not feel you are alone.
Hi,
Thanks so much for your reply! I’m 24 and I work at lush so small retail work. Basically, my family saw it as a way to give me a job without having to look for one so I said I’d help out and it’s just never really been right for anyone since. Thanks so much, it’s hard not to feel alone right now, I don’t really have anyone to talk to.
 

GrandaughterMolly

Registered User
Feb 17, 2020
21
I don't blame you for having a part time job. Besides the money side it's good for you get out and mix with other people, caring can be very isolating.
Who looks after your Grandad when your are working? or does he not need to have someone with him all the time.
when I have short shifts he can manage for a few hours but majority of the time I just have to fight for my mum to check on him occasionally. He’s not completely dependant but it’s enough that it takes up so much of my time.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
Hi,

I’m currently caring for my grandad in my family home where both my parents live. My grandad has dementia but has just moved into an isolated flat within our house and I’m his full time carer.
I’m really struggling to cope with everything at the moment as I’ve got a part time job to be able to afford to do things and pay rent and my hours this week for half term have been doubled and it’s causing loads of stress. My mum has a full time job but my dad is retired.
I’m really lucky to be getting some money from my grandad to be able to live on and function but I’m finding that because my hours have been increased this week my mum is holding this against me and blaming me and saying I’m not helping enough.
How do I cope with not only the emotional stress of caring but also a mother who expects too much and parents who do very little?
Thanks x
1stly you are an amazing young person

As a mum myself to two 20 plus children I can truly say so how proud of you I am for all you are doing for your Grandad.

now I’m going to be very nosey - I did say I was a mum didn’t I? & you don’t have to answer ....so no pressure! Ok

1- You pay rent to your parents - is that correct? Does Grandad also pay rent?

2- your Grandad lives with you in this self contained flat you share?

3- When was Grandad diagnosed with Dementia & what impact does that have on his ability to look after himself?

4- is Grandad you Mums or Dads relative?

sorry just trying to get a picture of it all
Xx
Sending you ((((hugs))))) wether you want to answer any questions or not
Xx
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
Hi,
Thanks so much for your reply! I’m 24 and I work at lush so small retail work. Basically, my family saw it as a way to give me a job without having to look for one so I said I’d help out and it’s just never really been right for anyone since. Thanks so much, it’s hard not to feel alone right now, I don’t really have anyone to talk to.
Oh I used to work in Lush P/T when kids were at primary school. I loved it.
As for your family giving you a job, are you paid for caring for Grandad by your family?
 

GrandaughterMolly

Registered User
Feb 17, 2020
21
1stly you are an amazing young person

As a mum myself to two 20 plus children I can truly say so how proud of you I am for all you are doing for your Grandad.

now I’m going to be very nosey - I did say I was a mum didn’t I? & you don’t have to answer ....so no pressure! Ok

1- You pay rent to your parents - is that correct? Does Grandad also pay rent?

2- your Grandad lives with you in this self contained flat you share?

3- When was Grandad diagnosed with Dementia & what impact does that have on his ability to look after himself?

4- is Grandad you Mums or Dads relative?

sorry just trying to get a picture of it all
Xx
Sending you ((((hugs))))) monster wether you want to answer any questions or not
Xx
Well you’ve successfully made me ugly cry aha.
1. yeah I pay them rent. Just for food and board. It makes sense in the long run. they do feed me after all aha! No he doesn’t pay rent.

2. No I have my old childhood bedroom I moved back into after university. so I at least have a little of my own space.

3. He was diagnosed about 9 months ago but he’s just spent a long stint in hospital for his heart and lungs. He’s able to look after himself as far as feeding and dressing but he has a catheter(sp?) that I have to empty and I need to help him shower or wash himself but he can make his own food and get about just fine.

4. he’s my mums dad.

thanks, it really does mean more than you know. Xox
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
when I have short shifts he can manage for a few hours but majority of the time I just have to fight for my mum to check on him occasionally. He’s not completely dependant but it’s enough that it takes up so much of my time.
Oh my lovely , I’m 52 married with two grown up children & ive never felt so alone in my life with caring for a Person with dementia (PWD)
& I’ve had & got a lot of help & support.
Does Grandad need help with personal care?
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
Well you’ve successfully made me ugly cry aha.
1. yeah I pay them rent. Just for food and board. It makes sense in the long run. they do feed me after all aha! No he doesn’t pay rent.

2. No I have my old childhood bedroom I moved back into after university. so I at least have a little of my own space.

3. He was diagnosed about 9 months ago but he’s just spent a long stint in hospital for his heart and lungs. He’s able to look after himself as far as feeding and dressing but he has a catheter(sp?) that I have to empty and I need to help him shower or wash himself but he can make his own food and get about just fine.

4. he’s my mums dad.

thanks, it really does mean more than you know. Xox
Holy moly!
Total respect - no way could I cope with a catheter! I’m sorry to say & slightly ashamed!

as for it meaning a lot - believe me I do know, I’ve been on my knees sobbing - literally! This forum is amazing in the support& advice it gives, many more wiser people than me on here!

Personal care needs are an aspect of basic care. it’s one of the criteria for assessment, was Grandad assessed in hospital?

you pay food & board? Do your parents pay you for caring for Grandad?
as his primary carer have you been shown how to assist/ lift/ change catheter etc by any health professionals?

sorry for so many questions?
x
 

GrandaughterMolly

Registered User
Feb 17, 2020
21
Oh my lovely , I’m 52 married with two grown up children & ive never felt so alone in my life with caring for a Person with dementia (PWD)
& I’ve had & got a lot of help & support.
Does Grandad need help with personal care?
hi,
Yeah that’s the major part of the help he needs really. Hope you’re doing okay, I know how much my mum struggles as well x
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,340
Nottinghamshire
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @GrandaughterMolly

It’s lovely that you want to help look after your grandad but it takes more than one person to look after someone with dementia and it shouldn’t all be left to you. I looked after my dad with dementia and my daughters both helped from time to time but even though they weren’t dad’s main carer his illness affected a lot of their twenties. Time which they will never get back.

As your Grandad’s main carer you have the right to a carers assessment from social services and a care assessment for your grandad so that you don’t have to do everything and could spend some quality time with him instead. Has your grandad applied for Attendance Allowance? This could be used to pay for some outside carers to help him with his personal care - e.g showering and catheter.

Now that you’ve found us I hope you’ll continue to post.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
he’s kind enough that he’s paying m to look after him hisself.
He sounds a total sweetheart
Bless

Well another barrage of questions, has anyone helped Grandad fill in Attendance Allowance forms? (AA)
As he has a dementia diagnosis & health needs & issues he will qualify for this.
Age Concern can help fill these in & will visit to complete them. AA is a benefit not means tested, this will then pay for all the help you give your Grandad. Please make a record of at payments recieved. You can ring up the tax office & go self employed & still work at Lush.
my daughter is self employed & does other jobs- as long as you are below the tax threshold it’s fine. it does have benefits being self employed & the tax office are lovely & talk you through everything.

Once this is done Grandad is elegible for council tax rebate as his dementia qualifies him for the council s “ mental impairment “ or if Parents pay this they will get it reduced! By half if the flat isn’t a seperate address! your parents can also get other reductions - ie capping of the flats water bills ...
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
hi,
Yeah that’s the major part of the help he needs really. Hope you’re doing okay, I know how much my mum struggles as well x
Oh you sweetheart... I’m doggy paddling at the moment! But at least my head is above the water ....just!
Dad passed away 13/12/2019
Friday the Thirteenth!!
yep he always did have a sense of humour!

Aged Mother lives 120plus miles away ( as is not moving!) & has end stage dementia, low mobility& carers in 4 times a day !
social services came in - bit of a battle & needs assessments were done!
she’s a character - shall we say!
x
 

GrandaughterMolly

Registered User
Feb 17, 2020
21
Holy moly!
Total respect - no way could I cope with a catheter! I’m sorry to say & slightly ashamed!

as for it meaning a lot - believe me I do know, I’ve been on my knees sobbing - literally! This forum is amazing in the support& advice it gives, many more wiser people than me on here!

Personal care needs are an aspect of basic care. it’s one of the criteria for assessment, was Grandad assessed in hospital?

you pay food & board? Do your parents pay you for caring for Grandad?
as his primary carer have you been shown how to assist/ lift/ change catheter etc by any health professionals?

sorry for so many questions?
x
It’s not that bad really, none of that but bothers me, it’s the way he is when we make him drink that bugs me more but that’s just because he’s a bit of a moody old man!

I completely get that, I’ve been taking myself off for little cries now and then but today has just been a big one tbh.

He has already said absolutely no to carers coming in and looking after him and my parents are on his side thinking they don’t want people coming in and out of the house.

My grandad is paying me and some of it then goes to my parents for rent etc.

I haven’t really been shown much, my mum used to be a nurse so she knows how to do most of it and can show me when I need to know :)
 

GrandaughterMolly

Registered User
Feb 17, 2020
21
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @GrandaughterMolly

It’s lovely that you want to help look after your grandad but it takes more than one person to look after someone with dementia and it shouldn’t all be left to you. I looked after my dad with dementia and my daughters both helped from time to time but even though they weren’t dad’s main carer his illness affected a lot of their twenties. Time which they will never get back.

As your Grandad’s main carer you have the right to a carers assessment from social services and a care assessment for your grandad so that you don’t have to do everything and could spend some quality time with him instead. Has your grandad applied for Attendance Allowance? This could be used to pay for some outside carers to help him with his personal care - e.g showering and catheter.

Now that you’ve found us I hope you’ll continue to post.
thanks so much for your response. It’s all really boiling down to the fact no one wants external carers and no one in the family has time to help. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place really with a heck of a lot of guilt of not doing enough or if I want to go out and get a full career kind of job then I’m letting everyone down. It’s not a fun place to be really.
 

GrandaughterMolly

Registered User
Feb 17, 2020
21
He sounds a total sweetheart
Bless

Well another barrage of questions, has anyone helped Grandad fill in Attendance Allowance forms? (AA)
As he has a dementia diagnosis & health needs & issues he will qualify for this.
Age Concern can help fill these in & will visit to complete them. AA is a benefit not means tested, this will then pay for all the help you give your Grandad. Please make a record of at payments recieved. You can ring up the tax office & go self employed & still work at Lush.
my daughter is self employed & does other jobs- as long as you are below the tax threshold it’s fine. it does have benefits being self employed & the tax office are lovely & talk you through everything.

Once this is done Grandad is elegible for council tax rebate as his dementia qualifies him for the council s “ mental impairment “ or if Parents pay this they will get it reduced! By half if the flat isn’t a seperate address! your parents can also get other reductions - ie capping of the flats water bills ...
Thanks for the info on the council tax, I’ll share that on that’s really helpful thank you!
As for the others, it’s all the fact he doesn’t want external care so don’t want to be taking money from people who need it when we won’t be getting people in to support from external organisations.
 

GrandaughterMolly

Registered User
Feb 17, 2020
21
Oh you sweetheart... I’m doggy paddling at the moment! But at least my head is above the water ....just!
Dad passed away 13/12/2019
Friday the Thirteenth!!
yep he always did have a sense of humour!

Aged Mother lives 120plus miles away ( as is not moving!) & has end stage dementia, low mobility& carers in 4 times a day !
social services came in - bit of a battle & needs assessments were done!
she’s a character - shall we say!
x
bless you, that’s rough. Hope you’re managing and there’s lots of love around you. I know how important it is just to feel like there’s people to love you when you’re low.
Sounds like an intense few months, glad everything has been assessed and she’s getting the help she needs!x