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Struggling to cope with everything

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
It’s not that bad really, none of that but bothers me, it’s the way he is when we make him drink that bugs me more but that’s just because he’s a bit of a moody old man!

I completely get that, I’ve been taking myself off for little cries now and then but today has just been a big one tbh.

He has already said absolutely no to carers coming in and looking after him and my parents are on his side thinking they don’t want people coming in and out of the house.

My grandad is paying me and some of it then goes to my parents for rent etc.

I haven’t really been shown much, my mum used to be a nurse so she knows how to do most of it and can show me when I need to know :)
Sweetheart, book a holiday - even if it’s just volunteering for a week somewhere
Seriously you need to not be so available, but that’s just my advice.
if your parents don’t like people coming in then they must sort out care themselves!
you are 24 - you need to be 24!
Stay over with friends, party, go to festivals etc. Believe me it’s easy to find reasons not to do things & you are not young forever .... time slips by!
Ask at Lush if you could work at another store for a while if helps required - store openings need bodies & training! Plus franchises abroad are another opportunity....
x
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
Thanks for the info on the council tax, I’ll share that on that’s really helpful thank you!
As for the others, it’s all the fact he doesn’t want external care so don’t want to be taking money from people who need it when we won’t be getting people in to support from external organisations.
Tell him he worked & payed taxes for all his life - this is what those taxes were for!
Aged Mother then felt better about it all!
for a while anyway.
Keep a record of what monies you receive any way as when Dad passed we had to document what money was for care for the will/ solicitor/ probate.
 

GrandaughterMolly

Registered User
Feb 17, 2020
21
Sweetheart, book a holiday - even if it’s just volunteering for a week somewhere
Seriously you need to not be so available, but that’s just my advice.
if your parents don’t like people coming in then they must sort out care themselves!
you are 24 - you need to be 24!
Stay over with friends, party, go to festivals etc. Believe me it’s easy to find reasons not to do things & you are not young forever .... time slips by!
Ask at Lush if you could work at another store for a while if helps required - store openings need bodies & training! Plus franchises abroad are another opportunity....
x
I’m a cheerleader so my outlet is that really so I have a week away booked in April which I am very much looking forward to.
It’s incredibly hard not to be so available even though I know I shouldn’t be because of living with my parents. I just don’t know how to manage that relationship really.
I think a lot of it is also that I’ve just moved back after 4 years away and I don’t really have any friends round me anymore and that’s becoming a massive struggle. No one around me is really my age.
Sorry this sounds like I’m all woe be me but I think I’ve just found myself after a really bad shift and a cracking argument with my mum feeling incredibly low and lonely. So thanks for putting up with my ranting. X
 

GrandaughterMolly

Registered User
Feb 17, 2020
21
Tell him he worked & payed taxes for all his life - this is what those taxes were for!
Aged Mother then felt better about it all!
for a while anyway.
Keep a record of what monies you receive any way as when Dad passed we had to document what money was for care for the will/ solicitor/ probate.
I shall do thanks so much!x
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,326
Nottinghamshire
thanks so much for your response. It’s all really boiling down to the fact no one wants external carers and no one in the family has time to help. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place really with a heck of a lot of guilt of not doing enough or if I want to go out and get a full career kind of job then I’m letting everyone down. It’s not a fun place to be really.
Would your Grandad go to a daycentre ? It’d give him something to do during the day and he might even make some new friends.

Attendance allowance isn’t means tested and from what you’ve said your grandad would qualify for it and there are no rules about what it can be spent on. I think you need to be claiming it to get a council tax rebate but, with 3 other adults in the house you’d still be paying the same so not worth going for in your grandad’s case - the council tax that is.

I totally understand your feelings and that you’re in a difficult position with family relationships. Does your mum know how much this is getting you down? Could your dad not help as he’s retired?
 

GrandaughterMolly

Registered User
Feb 17, 2020
21
Would your Grandad go to a daycentre ? It’d give him something to do during the day and he might even make some new friends.

Attendance allowance isn’t means tested and from what you’ve said your grandad would qualify for it and there are no rules about what it can be spent on. I think you need to be claiming it to get a council tax rebate but, with 3 other adults in the house you’d still be paying the same so not worth going for in your grandad’s case.

I totally understand your feelings and that you’re in a difficult position with family relationships. Does your mum know how much this is getting you down? Could your dad not help as he’s retired?
We think there’s definitely more going on than the dementia really as he’s always been incredibly difficult in social situations and often says really hurtful things without realising and everything but he wouldn’t go into day centres, he was supposed to go to a age uk class a while ago pre-hospital but used to get panic attacks leading up to it and then work himself up so much he’d never go.

Ahh thanks, I’ll have a look and see what’s out there with the Attendance allowance.

my dad won’t help no, he’s mentally not very well at all and we can’t rely on him really to help in any way, he often exacerbates the situation. He sometimes helps but more often than not tries to make sure he’s out of the house all the time.
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
2,098
My dad used to feel the same about claiming Attendance Allowance but he did claim when I pointed out that he had paid taxes all his working life and was entitled to the allowance. Also your Grandad may need help later which will cost a lot more than AA and by claiming now he can put this towards future needs.
 

GrandaughterMolly

Registered User
Feb 17, 2020
21
My dad used to feel the same about claiming Attendance Allowance but he did claim when I pointed out that he had paid taxes all his working life and was entitled to the allowance. Also your Grandad may need help later which will cost a lot more than AA and by claiming now he can put this towards future needs.
I’ll have a look thank you! I’m a bit lost on all this so the help is very much appreciated!
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
473
channel islands
I’m a cheerleader so my outlet is that really so I have a week away booked in April which I am very much looking forward to.
It’s incredibly hard not to be so available even though I know I shouldn’t be because of living with my parents. I just don’t know how to manage that relationship really.
I think a lot of it is also that I’ve just moved back after 4 years away and I don’t really have any friends round me anymore and that’s becoming a massive struggle. No one around me is really my age.
Sorry this sounds like I’m all woe be me but I think I’ve just found myself after a really bad shift and a cracking argument with my mum feeling incredibly low and lonely. So thanks for putting up with my ranting. X

Do not ever feel like you are ranting - trust me I have completely ranted on here many a time (and probably bored the pants off a few people in the process!) this is a completely safe place where no one ever judges -it does not matter how you feel, all rants are justified X
 
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DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
I’m a cheerleader so my outlet is that really so I have a week away booked in April which I am very much looking forward to.
It’s incredibly hard not to be so available even though I know I shouldn’t be because of living with my parents. I just don’t know how to manage that relationship really.
I think a lot of it is also that I’ve just moved back after 4 years away and I don’t really have any friends round me anymore and that’s becoming a massive struggle. No one around me is really my age.
Sorry this sounds like I’m all woe be me but I think I’ve just found myself after a really bad shift and a cracking argument with my mum feeling incredibly low and lonely. So thanks for putting up with my ranting. X
Rant away lovely... believe me when you start asterisking your posts that’s when you need to worry.
my daughter has just moved back in after 3 years away ... I want to mummy all over again but we are finding a new relationship a plus- friends! Sounds silly but we have had mega rows etc & it’s taken 6 months to start settling into this new way of life.

....and a lot of work on both our parts!

Shes visiting her brother in Oz at the moment.... I’m very jealous! But this year she’s started a masters at the local university & that’s part time/ remote learning
With volunteering & joining several activists / gym she’s hardly home anyway.

So maybe join a few clubs/ gym / volunteering, be a little less available. Plus make time out for you & Mum ; us mums like to be spoilt & taken out once in a while! A little treat once a month will give you brownie points !
we sat & watched a DVD , I loved it !!! Cuddled up real girly time!
Silly really but it meant a lot.
xx
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
Do not ever feel like you are ranting - trust me I have completely ranted my a-se off here on TP many a time (and probably bored the pants off a few people in the process!) this is a completely safe place where no one ever judges -it does not matter how you feel, all rants are justified X
See the asterisk & it’s equivalent don’t take long to appear ;)
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
We think there’s definitely more going on than the dementia really as he’s always been incredibly difficult in social situations and often says really hurtful things without realising and everything but he wouldn’t go into day centres, he was supposed to go to a age uk class a while ago pre-hospital but used to get panic attacks leading up to it and then work himself up so much he’d never go.

Ahh thanks, I’ll have a look and see what’s out there with the Attendance allowance.

my dad won’t help no, he’s mentally not very well at all and we can’t rely on him really to help in any way, he often exacerbates the situation. He sometimes helps but more often than not tries to make sure he’s out of the house all the time.
Not the easiest of situations, I think your Mum will definitely appreciate a little spoiling & the brownie points are a good thing.
My daughter sometimes just makes me a hot drink & it’s the little things like that that I find touching & mean a lot!
x
 

GrandaughterMolly

Registered User
Feb 17, 2020
21
Thanks all! The difficultly comes when my mum tells me I’m doing too much when I do things outside of my grandad and it’s very much she feels like I let everything down when I step away so definitely struggling to find the balance there.

I try to spoil both my parents all the time but I’m finding it really hard at the moment when she spends a lot of the time telling I’m not doing enough to help But I think with this it’s just finding her expectations (not easy when they keep changing but I completely understand her struggle)

I just feel like a lot of the time I’m doing all the supporting and not feeling very supported. It honestly meant so so so much when @DesperateofDevon said they were proud of me. I don’t get to hear that very often. Just trying to manage my expectations with that I guess.
 

GrandaughterMolly

Registered User
Feb 17, 2020
21
Do not ever feel like you are ranting - trust me I have completely ranted on here many a time (and probably bored the pants off a few people in the process!) this is a completely safe place where no one ever judges -it does not matter how you feel, all rants are justified X
Thanks, it’s nice to chat to people who get it!
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
Thanks all! The difficultly comes when my mum tells me I’m doing too much when I do things outside of my grandad and it’s very much she feels like I let everything down when I step away so definitely struggling to find the balance there.

I try to spoil both my parents all the time but I’m finding it really hard at the moment when she spends a lot of the time telling I’m not doing enough to help But I think with this it’s just finding her expectations (not easy when they keep changing but I completely understand her struggle)

I just feel like a lot of the time I’m doing all the supporting and not feeling very supported. It honestly meant so so so much when @DesperateofDevon said they were proud of me. I don’t get to hear that very often. Just trying to manage my expectations with that I guess.
As a parent I could write a manual on how not to do things! I’m just waiting for the “how to do Mum/ wife/carer manual “
I frequently mess up...