Hello I originaly posted this on welcome page, but I thought I'd add it in the correct area.
I joined out of desperation, to ask for any advice on how to control my own fear, anger and depression.
I find it difficult to know what to say, so I thought id try to say why i have reach such such a pathetic state.
My mother started to loose the use of her legs in 1998 so from about then I started as a carer, it creeps up on you (I lived with my parents). you start in small ways and as the years pass you take over more and more. In the end she got vascular dementia, it didn't last too long a mad 5 months and it was over.
I have never experianced mental problems before and found it very frightening. I loved my mother very much and never regretted being there to look after her. She died 7 years ago and I still miss her very much.
I then started looking after my Dad. at first he was OK I would leave him his food and he could cook and look after himself resonably he would be about 87 then Just very forgetful and odd things started happening. I also had my sister who would support me and love me and keep me sane, she helped me with mum and helped me get over her death.
3 years after my mothers death, my sister was diagnosed with a glioblastoma multiforme brain tumor. I helped to look after her, so her husband could carry on working. It was horrid she made 2 1/2 years, watching her get sicker taking her into London for treatments, she was never well again.
I found it very traumatic and suffered from generalized anxiety disorder . I cried a lot , my sister was always so strong and positive. I was all ways so weak and pathetic.
At her diagnosis I realized dad really was not normal, when i told him about my sister he did not respond, i asked if he understood he just looked at me and asked what day it was. I then took him to Dr's he was diagnosed with old age dementia at about 90.
I had lost my primary support, I have brothers but they live distant.
She died a year ago and Dad has been getting a lot worse, he didnt even know who was in the coffin, it was gut renching. my pain and distress at her loss was not even seen by him, he already had forgotten her. His complete lack of emotion makes me want to hit him (i never would)
I think he may be entering stage 3 now. But its difficult to tell because he is super fit for his age, he still plays table tennis twice a week. His body keeps going his mind on the other had is quite simple.
Friends say i should get help but i really cant see what anyone could do for me. I live with him so i provide, if anyone else came it would just make my life harder having to work round them.
Oh i forgot to say, I work 3 days a week and i do teaching for a few hrs too. I need to keep my jobs simply to get me away from him.
I would not dream of putting him in a home, he knows the house and area. Besides when he moves or dies I loose my home too. This also adds worry as i dont know what will happen to me in the future.
So im now reaching screaming point. Dads pulled up the garden, keeps getting time of day wrong, has no idea when hes eaten, i have to get him to bathe and try to get his cloths to wash. He likes to ware the same things all the time. His shoes are falling to bits. He gets up at night thinking its morning
He cant really read the time so when he goes to the kitchen i have to pursade him back then 15 mins later we do it all over again.
constant repeitition over and over again. for him its first time, for me its like water torture.
All this leaves me in tears most days. My anger and hatered is growing, which i must control as it will affect my work. I tired pills, they didnt work, tried drink nore did that. I want a normal life back its been 15 years, 10 since i had a holiday.
Some times I wish I was dead.
His dementia has turned me into a bad person, i dont want to feel like that. I know when im at my jobs and i can forget him i feel so different. when i come home a heavy weight decends. it can with trepidation at what hes done next.
Im sure many people will understand where im coming from. so please if you can tell me any tricks that will help me to relax not to care let things flow over me , instead of rubbing my emotions raw.
yeh i know pathetic right? sorry my rant is over. Sometimes I just need to say it. Today has not been a good day with him. I just drown sometimes in my own self pity.
Maybe I shouldn't say any thing, my brother say I shouldn't talk about him and the funny things he gets up to. But I don't see why i have to suffer in silence while they are happily well out of it.
sorry im rambling
I joined out of desperation, to ask for any advice on how to control my own fear, anger and depression.
I find it difficult to know what to say, so I thought id try to say why i have reach such such a pathetic state.
My mother started to loose the use of her legs in 1998 so from about then I started as a carer, it creeps up on you (I lived with my parents). you start in small ways and as the years pass you take over more and more. In the end she got vascular dementia, it didn't last too long a mad 5 months and it was over.
I have never experianced mental problems before and found it very frightening. I loved my mother very much and never regretted being there to look after her. She died 7 years ago and I still miss her very much.
I then started looking after my Dad. at first he was OK I would leave him his food and he could cook and look after himself resonably he would be about 87 then Just very forgetful and odd things started happening. I also had my sister who would support me and love me and keep me sane, she helped me with mum and helped me get over her death.
3 years after my mothers death, my sister was diagnosed with a glioblastoma multiforme brain tumor. I helped to look after her, so her husband could carry on working. It was horrid she made 2 1/2 years, watching her get sicker taking her into London for treatments, she was never well again.
I found it very traumatic and suffered from generalized anxiety disorder . I cried a lot , my sister was always so strong and positive. I was all ways so weak and pathetic.
At her diagnosis I realized dad really was not normal, when i told him about my sister he did not respond, i asked if he understood he just looked at me and asked what day it was. I then took him to Dr's he was diagnosed with old age dementia at about 90.
I had lost my primary support, I have brothers but they live distant.
She died a year ago and Dad has been getting a lot worse, he didnt even know who was in the coffin, it was gut renching. my pain and distress at her loss was not even seen by him, he already had forgotten her. His complete lack of emotion makes me want to hit him (i never would)
I think he may be entering stage 3 now. But its difficult to tell because he is super fit for his age, he still plays table tennis twice a week. His body keeps going his mind on the other had is quite simple.
Friends say i should get help but i really cant see what anyone could do for me. I live with him so i provide, if anyone else came it would just make my life harder having to work round them.
Oh i forgot to say, I work 3 days a week and i do teaching for a few hrs too. I need to keep my jobs simply to get me away from him.
I would not dream of putting him in a home, he knows the house and area. Besides when he moves or dies I loose my home too. This also adds worry as i dont know what will happen to me in the future.
So im now reaching screaming point. Dads pulled up the garden, keeps getting time of day wrong, has no idea when hes eaten, i have to get him to bathe and try to get his cloths to wash. He likes to ware the same things all the time. His shoes are falling to bits. He gets up at night thinking its morning
He cant really read the time so when he goes to the kitchen i have to pursade him back then 15 mins later we do it all over again.
constant repeitition over and over again. for him its first time, for me its like water torture.
All this leaves me in tears most days. My anger and hatered is growing, which i must control as it will affect my work. I tired pills, they didnt work, tried drink nore did that. I want a normal life back its been 15 years, 10 since i had a holiday.
Some times I wish I was dead.
His dementia has turned me into a bad person, i dont want to feel like that. I know when im at my jobs and i can forget him i feel so different. when i come home a heavy weight decends. it can with trepidation at what hes done next.
Im sure many people will understand where im coming from. so please if you can tell me any tricks that will help me to relax not to care let things flow over me , instead of rubbing my emotions raw.
yeh i know pathetic right? sorry my rant is over. Sometimes I just need to say it. Today has not been a good day with him. I just drown sometimes in my own self pity.
Maybe I shouldn't say any thing, my brother say I shouldn't talk about him and the funny things he gets up to. But I don't see why i have to suffer in silence while they are happily well out of it.
sorry im rambling