1. Ginnykk5

    Ginnykk5 Registered User

    Jan 6, 2015
    Hemel Hempstead
    Hello I originaly posted this on welcome page, but I thought I'd add it in the correct area.

    I joined out of desperation, to ask for any advice on how to control my own fear, anger and depression.
    I find it difficult to know what to say, so I thought id try to say why i have reach such such a pathetic state.
    My mother started to loose the use of her legs in 1998 so from about then I started as a carer, it creeps up on you (I lived with my parents). you start in small ways and as the years pass you take over more and more. In the end she got vascular dementia, it didn't last too long a mad 5 months and it was over.
    I have never experianced mental problems before and found it very frightening. I loved my mother very much and never regretted being there to look after her. She died 7 years ago and I still miss her very much.
    I then started looking after my Dad. at first he was OK I would leave him his food and he could cook and look after himself resonably he would be about 87 then Just very forgetful and odd things started happening. I also had my sister who would support me and love me and keep me sane, she helped me with mum and helped me get over her death.

    3 years after my mothers death, my sister was diagnosed with a glioblastoma multiforme brain tumor. I helped to look after her, so her husband could carry on working. It was horrid she made 2 1/2 years, watching her get sicker taking her into London for treatments, she was never well again.
    I found it very traumatic and suffered from generalized anxiety disorder . I cried a lot , my sister was always so strong and positive. I was all ways so weak and pathetic.
    At her diagnosis I realized dad really was not normal, when i told him about my sister he did not respond, i asked if he understood he just looked at me and asked what day it was. I then took him to Dr's he was diagnosed with old age dementia at about 90.
    I had lost my primary support, I have brothers but they live distant.

    She died a year ago and Dad has been getting a lot worse, he didnt even know who was in the coffin, it was gut renching. my pain and distress at her loss was not even seen by him, he already had forgotten her. His complete lack of emotion makes me want to hit him (i never would)
    I think he may be entering stage 3 now. But its difficult to tell because he is super fit for his age, he still plays table tennis twice a week. His body keeps going his mind on the other had is quite simple.

    Friends say i should get help but i really cant see what anyone could do for me. I live with him so i provide, if anyone else came it would just make my life harder having to work round them.
    Oh i forgot to say, I work 3 days a week and i do teaching for a few hrs too. I need to keep my jobs simply to get me away from him.

    I would not dream of putting him in a home, he knows the house and area. Besides when he moves or dies I loose my home too. This also adds worry as i dont know what will happen to me in the future.

    So im now reaching screaming point. Dads pulled up the garden, keeps getting time of day wrong, has no idea when hes eaten, i have to get him to bathe and try to get his cloths to wash. He likes to ware the same things all the time. His shoes are falling to bits. He gets up at night thinking its morning
    He cant really read the time so when he goes to the kitchen i have to pursade him back then 15 mins later we do it all over again.
    constant repeitition over and over again. for him its first time, for me its like water torture.

    All this leaves me in tears most days. My anger and hatered is growing, which i must control as it will affect my work. I tired pills, they didnt work, tried drink nore did that. I want a normal life back its been 15 years, 10 since i had a holiday.
    Some times I wish I was dead.
    His dementia has turned me into a bad person, i dont want to feel like that. I know when im at my jobs and i can forget him i feel so different. when i come home a heavy weight decends. it can with trepidation at what hes done next.

    Im sure many people will understand where im coming from. so please if you can tell me any tricks that will help me to relax not to care let things flow over me , instead of rubbing my emotions raw.

    yeh i know pathetic right? sorry my rant is over. Sometimes I just need to say it. Today has not been a good day with him. I just drown sometimes in my own self pity.

    Maybe I shouldn't say any thing, my brother say I shouldn't talk about him and the funny things he gets up to. But I don't see why i have to suffer in silence while they are happily well out of it.

    sorry im rambling
  2. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    Hi & welcome to tp. Sorry that you've had such a tough 15 years. You are not weak or pathetic! What you have taken on/gone thru would be enough to break anyone. I would suggest seeing your gp & get on to SS to see what they can do for you. There is help out there but you need to start accessing it.
    Ignore your brother, of course you need to off load. If he doesn't want to listen you have us now. We will always listen & if nothing else offer sympathy.
    Take care
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    You have had more than your share of unhappiness. If you really don't want help for your Dad then you need something for yourself. A counsellor to let you talk all this out would be a start. The Alz Soc also has helplines which might suggest some things you could do to get back on track with your own life. Dad plays table tennis but what fun do you have? Is there a sport or club for you?
  4. Owly

    Owly Registered User

    Jun 6, 2011
    #4 Owly, Jan 30, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2015
    There might be daycare that Dad could go to, which you could call a "club" so he feels that it is something to look forward to. ;) Or does he go to daycare while you're working? You could extend it to the other 2 days too?

    You could also think about respite care, where he goes to a care home for a week or 2 weeks, so you can also have a proper break and a holiday. You might then think about permanent residential care. At the moment, you're letting your heart rule your head. His dementia is making you feel mentally ill. In their better days, I'm sure neither your Mum nor your Dad would have wanted that. You don't want the dementia to claim another victim, so start to prioritise yourself, not always look at what is good for Dad.

    You're not pathetic, you're at the end of your emotional tether. It's not always easy or possible to change oneself, when the emotional "trigger" (Dad) is always there. So, consider this change of circumstances I've described above.

    Is he on Social Services' radar? Has he ever had an assessment and have you ever had a carer's assessment about your own needs?
  5. Solihull

    Solihull Registered User

    Oct 2, 2014
    West Midlands
    #5 Solihull, Jan 30, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2015
    Ginnykk5, you have done everything possible and MORE. You are not a bad person, take all the advice given by others. No one knows the full extent of the problems of daily life with your Dad, only you, and even though you love him you will feel resentment. My mum is 91 and I am only just beginning to get a good feeling about her again now she is in care and I did not live with her. You have many friends on here.
    Take care
  6. alwaysfretting

    alwaysfretting Registered User

    Jan 1, 2015
    I am so, so sorry for the dreadful time you are having. You are not pathetic, you have shown such strength over such a long period of time. I agree with the others that you need an assessment for yours and your dad's needs and probably some periods of two weeks of respite care. At the moment we are keeping it from my mum that my brother is Ill (she has Alzheimer's) and it makes me angry with her that I'm grievingfor him without her support and maybe this is what you are partly feeling? Could you access some bereavement counselling? Could your sister's widower support you with your feelings of loss?

    Perhaps it is time for you to stop being the carer.
  7. RobinH

    RobinH Registered User

    Apr 9, 2012

    So sorry to hear of your troubles. I think you have 3 problems, and each makes the others worse

    1) Your dad is beyond living at home. He needs residential care of some sort. You aren’t failing – it’s too much of a job for one person, working or not, and it’s best for him to be in care. You say he knows the area and his home, but really he probably doesn’t know anything anymore.

    2) You’ve had a miserable 15 years, enough to grind any of us down. You need to get your life back, and live for yourself.

    3) You say if your dad goes into care, you lose your home.

    The Housing problem is going to happen one day soon anyhow, so you need to face it now. If you’re sure that you can’t stay once he goes into care, then you need to find another place to live, but do check all your assumptions – you’re so exhausted your planning might not be what it usually is.

    If your dad isn’t ‘in the system’, get him assessed asap. Social Services love people like you, who muddle through and save them loads of cash, but it’s killing you, and killing your love for your dad. Tell them you can’t do it any more, and make them place him.

    At the same time you need to find someone to talk this all out with. A counsellor is better than a mate, because it’s their job, and you won’t feel you have to hold back. Talking it out won’t actually change your circumstances, but you will feel better and have more mental resource to do what’s needed to get your life back on track.

    I’m sure you know that you’ve actually done a brilliant job under awful circumstances – it’s what you’d tell a mate in your position, so you need to be a mate to yourself and treat yourself well.

    All the best

  8. sharonbrown

    sharonbrown Registered User

    Oct 20, 2011
    Everyone has already made great comments/suggestions - especially RobinH.

    I have not experienced all of your issues but certainly at the end of my dad's life I found it very hard not to be able to share my feelings with mum. On the day he died I was sitting holding his hand when he seemed to have a pain which I found upsetting and I thought mum would too. So I turned to her, smiled and asked if she wanted to hold my hand too. She looked completely bemused, looked at my hand, took it in hers, and shook it as if she was saying hello. It really hit me then that I'd lost my mum as well as my dad. I got my husband to come and take her home and then broke down in the corner of dad's hospital room.

    You're not doing your dad any favours by driving yourself into the ground. You have to let someone else help. I don't think I've ever read anyone on this site say they regret getting help at home or finally putting their loved one in a home. There are excellent care homes out there - go visit - see what they offer. If you find a good one he will have company all day every day, there will be activities and he would be in a safe environment. At the moment you're running yourself ragged just trying to keep up with general care but if someone else was doing that you could spend quality time with your father. I guess by now he must be about 90 and in all honesty that has to mean time is short for the two of you. Make the most of it. Give yourself a chance to feel love for him again, not hate because you feel he's making your life miserable. If you're not happy that will affect his mood too. Be kind to yourself and him. Everyone feels guilt at passing over responsibility and if you didn't then there would be something wrong. Perhaps your dad used to say he'd never want to go into a home but there does come a time when it's the best option, even if he doesn't see it that way.

    You need help for your father and help for yourself. The sooner the better for both of you. Go back to your GP - perhaps try different tablets (I assume it was anti-depressants) but definitely don't try drink again. Give the tablets time to work - at least 3 months. If your GP isn't very sympathetic, try a different one. Keep trying. Don't give up. But until you can get your head in a better place everything will seem like an impossible mountain to climb. I don't know your housing problems in detail but maybe Citizen's Advice can give you help on what to do - that issue is coming eventually and you need to be as prepared as soon as possible.

    You've had a very hard time and it sounds like you've given all of yourself, and more, to your family. But there is a limit on what one person can do. It's clear from your post that you've reached that limit - and probably passed it!

    Read other people's stories on this forum and you will see you are not alone. It's a horrible situation to be in but you have to find the strength to get yourself out of it. The first step is to ask for help - from everyone and anyone you can! You have to take the plunge and not beat yourself up about it.

    I wish you all the best and hope you can find a solution that makes you and your dad happy.
  9. Ginnykk5

    Ginnykk5 Registered User

    Jan 6, 2015
    Hemel Hempstead
    I used to do yoga, but had to give it up for work. I do most of my work now in the evenings. So no I dont do anything. really dont have the time. I did go to the cinima this month.
    I will try and look into finding a counsellor , seem to me the thing i need most is to talk about it. just posting on here actually helped, i was very low that day.
  10. Ginnykk5

    Ginnykk5 Registered User

    Jan 6, 2015
    Hemel Hempstead
    GP are not much good round here. I have twice mentioned im a carer and how depressed i am but get no responce. they just make you feel like a worm. went to 2 drs with dad they didnt sugest or offer any help, said there were no pills for it.
  11. Ginnykk5

    Ginnykk5 Registered User

    Jan 6, 2015
    Hemel Hempstead
    No drs offered any assements for either of us. I have told them im a carer more than once.
    I arrange my work hours around him. I now get brother and brother in law to help 2 to 3 evenings a week, but not all ways.

    Dad was never social when he was normal, he would just get up and try to come home from a day care centre. How do i know this? well last october i had some work done on the house and got my brother to take him for 4 hrs. Every 15 mins he kept getting up and saying im off home now. He also did it at a Christining where he was on the isle of man 2 years ago.

    Dad would fully expect me to look after him, he was looked after by mum (wore her out) i just stepped into her shoes. Dont get me wrong he was a good man worked hard, just self centered and controlling . he never gave mum flowers or took her out for a meal, he would say "I give you all my money what more do you want" He was brought up by Victorians its all a mind set from those times.

    Finally you are quite correct His dementia is making me feel mentally ill. But just talking on here has helped a little. I was very low that day, im all ways up and down.

    So thanks for your suggestions.
  12. Corriefan

    Corriefan Registered User

    Dec 30, 2012
    Ginnykk5. There is a lot of good advice here that you should take. Contact adult services and ask for a Carer's assessment. Perhaps you could apply for Attendance Allowance also and Carer's Allowance? Then you might be entitled to help from the Council. We used to get a carer coming in for three hours a week to give my dad and I a break.
  13. Ginnykk5

    Ginnykk5 Registered User

    Jan 6, 2015
    Hemel Hempstead
    Perhaps it is time for you to stop being the carer.[/QUOTE]

    I would love to stop being a carer, but my mind set wont let me. I would not abandon any family member that need my help.
    To look after someone the way i would hope to be looked after. Life can be cruel, to sacrifice a part of my life for another I could show no greater love.
    You may guess im a Christian, which is why i get upset when i wish him dead.

    I just need to learn to let it all flow over me. just writing on here has helped to clarifie the problem, im hoping to get a better grip on my life.

    Thank you x
  14. Ginnykk5

    Ginnykk5 Registered User

    Jan 6, 2015
    Hemel Hempstead
    My dad gets the lower AA allowance, I earn to much to get carers allowance and its very small so would not be worth giving up my jobs for.
    Thanks for your suggestions
  15. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    Ontario canada
    Ginny, please don't let yourself become a victim. You say your father is a control freak...or was with mom...you are NOT his wife...you need to listen to the good advice that's been given on the forum...
    Stop worrying about losing the house...you need to make some chances...NOW...baby steps...surely you can find a Dr. That will understand your situation and put you on the right track....you need to keep trying....don't give up.

    My heart goes out to you...it is not easy but you need to start thinking about how you can make some positive changes.

    Take care of yourself...and keep reading and posting on TP...i
  16. Ginnykk5

    Ginnykk5 Registered User

    Jan 6, 2015
    Hemel Hempstead
    This reply has taken more thought.
    first I dont think my father is past living at home yet. when he fails to know me or his suroundings i will consider a home.
    Many people put into homes seem to go down fast, it may be lack of care, but I think its more likely the change of suroundings its like cutting the route of a plant. Even though the victim apeares to be no longer there. They sence the change, they no longer have a continuity so fade away.

    I have started to talk to my brothers about what will happen to me afterwards. But until we know the final state of his finances , we cant really plan anything. I will just have to wait and see.

    Yep i do need to talk and will look into finding someone.

    Thanks for your thoughts i appreciate it.
  17. BR_ANA

    BR_ANA Registered User

    Jun 27, 2012
    Please talk about it with your GP or consultant. (I have been there, I lived with my mother, my sister decided I couldn't care more, mom is on CH for 5 years).
    Ask for respite, or better pills.
  18. irishmanc

    irishmanc Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    It's good that you have decided that there will come a time for your dad to go into residential care - that is sensible. In terms of your comment about people going downhill when they go into care, that isn't always the case. My Dad is thriving (in as much as that is possible with AZ) in his care home. He looks great and is even having basic conversations with some of the other residents at times. Nothing is as good as living at home, but residential care doesn't have to mean a decline either.
  19. Ginnykk5

    Ginnykk5 Registered User

    Jan 6, 2015
    Hemel Hempstead
    NHS new service

    NHS has started new service for people at more risk of unpland admission to hospital.
    so im joining him as he will then have a more tailored, active support from GP.

    so may be some good will come of it I have high hopes. I may feel less alone, and feel less afraid that im not doing the best i can by him.
  20. Ginnykk5

    Ginnykk5 Registered User

    Jan 6, 2015
    Hemel Hempstead
    That's very nice to hear something positive.
    My grand mother had senile dementia (as it was then called) she could not be looked after by us as at the time mum had 6 kids and we were in a 3 bed house. So she went into a 'home' it was a horiffic place. it was part lunatic asylum. The old people were left in rooms with the windows wide open in winter, just sitting there drooling (dont me to offend with my words but it was how i saw it when i was 10). Mum stop us kids from visiting in the end.

    My aunt is 90 and has cancer, Im the only one who calls her once a week to say hello. She is house bound and fortunately has a daughter to keep an eye on her.
    She has carers come in 3 times a day, it costs a fortune, and they appear to do very little. in for just 15mins and cant make a cup of tea correctly (she puts it all out for them), and as they are nearly all foreign she can have difficulty understanding them.
    No she dosn't have dementia.

    my experiance its not great but thats why i have negative feelings towards care.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.