Still lost!

[Carabosse]

No they are not pleasant as they seem to bother me for the rest of the night, it used to be that if I turned over they would go away but not anymore, just like I don't seem to be able to sleep much and as for having a long lie, well forget that.

I'm not really on anything for the depression, I have been taking some diazepam for the neck spasm I had but not for anything else. I am seeing my Dr shortly so I will ask him, its not nice when you feel like doing something (you know what I mean) and really don't seem to be able to think there is any way out, it just really gets to me day after day.

I hope it won't be too long before someone gets back to me, but there have been a few people pass away in the town and the office I think that will get in touch is in the next town over so they will have their own population plus surrounding area to deal with as well.

As for the tunnel, think I'm further in than before!

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

I can sense how depressed you are and I am sorry and wish I could make you feel a bit better but that will only happen in time. I was depressed for some while after my mum died but gradually the depression began to lift, I am not saying I suddenly felt wonderful because that never happened! I still have some "very low" days and suspect that may always happen now my mum has gone.

I don't think the dreams will go on, they will stop at some point, they may well be replaced by some other form of grieving because it is a rollercoaster of different emotions and feelings, bit like riding a wave. I knew I was bad because I lost my sense of humour and that had never deserted me before and god knows, you need one in this world. There is a way out and you will find it, I did, eventually, slowly and in a confused way I realised that my life must go on in whatever way I chose to make it. I slowly began to make myself do other things and try and make a life for myself, it is hard and it is a struggle because without my mum it all seemed pointless, but I kept telling myself to do what my mum would have wanted me to, like your mum would want for you. Give yourself all the time you need, one day you'll be out of the dark place you are in at the moment, believe me, I know.

Be kind to yourself


Lexy

 

[lexy]

How are you Grouse?

 

[Carabosse]

Some days are worse than others and at times I wonder if this is how it's going to be for the rest of my life, I hope not but at the moment I'm at a loss as to what to do.
The fun and humour I once had has disappeared whether it returns or not I don't know, but it will never be like it was nothing will. I am trying to do things but without mum around its like why bother, i'm just going through the motions of each day not much else to do!

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

It won't be like it is now for the rest of your life. I used to think this but nothing stays the same forever. You don't really have to do anything apart from the normal everyday things, and some days I couldn't even manage them!

Our lives will never be the same again, the most precious person we loved has gone but we still have a life and no matter how much you think it is pointless, I know because I did, our lives do matter and they must be lived.

It has taken me a very long time to be able to see the funny side of anything but I can now think of some of the very funny episodes in my life with my mum and laugh to myself about them and one day you will be able to aswell.

You do just go through the motions, I said before, I was like someone on auto pilot but this will begin to change over the coming months but it does take a long time.

Have you seen the cat lately?

Hope you manage to get some sleep.


Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

I hope not, doing normal things is difficult but need to be done just need to push myself to do them.

I am constantly looking back to a more happier time when both my parents were with me, even the arguments we had don't seem to matter anymore. However if I think of mum when she had the Alzheimer's the arguments we had bother me even if they only lasted a couple of seconds, I could see myself doing it and wonder why they happened even though they didn't happen all the time but I still think on why did I do that?

The cat is still on the go, at the moment its jumping up onto the front window sill to see if I am there, then it goes and comes back a few minutes later, no doubt its wanting in. Its owner came past not long ago after dropping her child off to school and the cat followed her home, two seconds later its on my window.

Still not getting much sleep due to everything, the heat isn't helping either.

 

[grouse]

carabosse, I do that, go over everything and fret constantly that I didnt do enough, or say enough...but you sound like me, devoted to your mum and I really believe they'd have known that, I dont think we should be beating ourselves up at all. The visit you had from those people sounds awful, they shouldnt be allowed to do that, but in this world things like that happen all too often. Just before my mum died I found a letter saying she was being taken to court for an unpaid bill, well it wasnt unpaid it was a piece of council equipment that I had already returned for her and the council lost it and were chasing mum for the money to replace it! I went mad at them of course. I hope you get your issue sorted out. And with cruse, I found I had to chase them up a few times, they seem to be inundated with callers needing them, sad to think there are so many like us out there!

lexy, thanks for asking, I'm ok, trying to keep busy, but just glad I can check in here now and again, I dont know anyone else in my life who has lost their parents, everyone I know has at least one parent left and it adds to the isolation. Hope you are doing not too bad too.

 

[Carabosse]

Yes we do seem as though we are similar in our devotion to our mums, I don't think we will ever stop going over things or finding things that we feel we should have done better or differently, I know I won't. I am sure my mum knows I did my best or more, still doesn't make me feel any better as I still think I could have done more.

I sometimes wonder how companies manage to function its like one part doesn't know what another part is doing, but I'm not going to let this go with just a sorry from them.

As for cruse I haven't heard back from them yet, i'll give them another week or two then give them another call, but as you said there are many people needing their help at the moment.

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

You mustn't beat yourself up, although I know I did and after four months was feeling like you are now and it was the saddest time of my life. There are many things I feel I should have done differently but its too late now, I did my best and so did you and so did Grouse, we have nothing to feel bad about with regard to looking after our mum's.
I look back to happier times, I don't see anything wrong with this. I'm just glad I have happy times to look back on.

I think the cat may come to your house because it is quieter and no children and nice food! Cats don't generally like noise and some don't like living with other cats.

I am having difficulty sleeping, its due to the heat at night, I prefer it a bit cooler.

Take care of yourselves


Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

I hear what you're saying and you are probably right, but i'll still beat myself up about mum and whether I did enough or not, I think its just in my nature to be like that.
Happier times make me feel better but it doesn't last long before reality creeps back into everything and I know mum isn't with me anymore, just wish I had a magic wand to get her back.

I was at the Dr's with mums friend yesterday and someone asked me how mum was, I told her mum passed in February, it was an elderly lady who asked and she lives outside of town a bit so she wouldn't have known, she said she was sorry.

That's my though as well, I mean with salmon or tuna and salmon treats on offer it knows it will be fed! I think the owner gives her cats dry food as she has so many, I could be wrong just thought dried food is cheaper?

I often wonder if I lived in a warmer country would I be able to cope with the heat any better, it was about 26 degrees with us on Wednesday and I was like melting good job I had bought a lot of water. I don't mind the odd bit of sunshine and heat but too much just gets to me, migraines and heat exhaustion kick in, not good.

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

When someone we love dies it is also about accepting what has happened and this can be difficult, we know it has happened but something in our heads, well mine anyway took a while to accept my mum dying. When you have had such a close bond with your mum, as we have you can't just "move on" (an expression I loathe). Just take it a day at a time, don't think too far ahead. The reality of the situation is the painful bit.

You have obviously made a friend with the cat, some dry foods are cheaper but some can be very expensive, I would never feed my cat dry food only, it causes "plumbing" problems in male cats, something to do with crystals forming in their "pipework". The food you give her has lots of water in it which they need.

I have trouble with the heat, mainly sleeping properly when its hot and my cat likes to sometimes sleep on my pillow but I had to move her because as much as I love her I cannot sleep with a "fur hat" on!!

I used to suffer from migraines and so did my mum, they really are the most dreadful things to have, like somebody banging a hammer in your head, and they always made me sick, so I hope you don't get too many of them.

It must be hot in the tunnel in all this heat?

Just remember, one day at a time.


Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

I'm not that keen on that saying either, its like how dare someone say that (probably someone who has yet to go through a loss) and how exactly do you move on when the person who has passed has been a integral part of your life for years?
Although I knew the time would come when mum would pass I kept telling myself she would be fine, she had been in hospital many times especially in the winter due to the cold affecting her breathing but she got over all of that, even when the nurses thought she might not be there the next day she was back to her normal self, this was going on for a while even before the diagnosis of Alzheimer's. So I suppose in a way I was sitting on the fence as to exactly how ill mum was, and with her being in hospital at the end (would have preferred her at home) in a way I still think she is still there. I have often said to myself I must get ready to go see mum in the hospital, or what was that noise coming from mums room at night hope she is ok, it takes a few seconds before I realise she isn't in either of those places.

The cat pouches have the salmon or tuna in jelly, when I put them on her saucer they look like the real thing meaty pieces of meat! I did buy one of those small bottles of cat milk to see if she would try it but she just looked at it as if to say 'what's this?', I am so glad I didn't buy a pack of 6 bottles. I do give the cat some treats but only a few, and she has a couple sprinkled on top of her salmon or tuna.
I have thought about letting the cat stay inside at night but I have no idea if she would settle down or try jumping all over the place I somehow think she is an outdoor cat, I bought a small dog bed as it looked better than the cat ones, she went in it for a while now she won't go near it!

At the moment the migraines are coming quite often, since I don't have any of the usual triggers I have worked out that it is the atmospherics that are causing it, not sure what else it can be? They can get quite bad leading to sickness which I need help to stop, that normally comes in the form of 3 injections from the Dr!

The tunnel is hot and dark and getting darker, I have been self harming, not to the extent you see it on TV, not exactly sure why?

 

[Grannie G]

Have you tried contacting The Samaritans Carabosse?

They are not only about suicide, they also have an emotional listening service and can provide one to one local support.

Please try to contact them.


Emotional Health listening services:

Telephone: 08457 90 90 90 (24 hours, seven days a week)

Email jo@samaritans.org

Web Site www.samaritans.org

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

I worried when you said you had been self harming, whatever it is your'e doing, please don't do this, you have no reason to hurt yourself. Does your doctor know about this? If you feel really bad call the Samaritans. I think it is a form a getting anger out of your system, I know I felt angry with everything including myself, I used to sometimes thump myself but found the pillow bashing better because I could get more of my anger out on this. I cursed the dementia day and night, called it everything under the sun, took my hatred out on it because of what it had done to my mum. Your mum's passing and the illness has done serious damage to you, mine is mostly in my mind and this illness still gets to me. You have to get your feelings out but please don't harm yourself.

You have clearly made a little friend with the cat, I also bought my cat a dog bed, they are a bit larger, my cat went in it for a while but has decided she prefers my bed! I used to put cat nip in her bed to encourage her to go in it. It sounds to me as if the cat needs you and they are very sensitive little creatures, she knows you are unhappy.
She seems to be slowly creeping into your life, I hope she finds a place in your heart aswell.

Are you going out very much, I know before you said you were not but try and perhaps get away from the house even if you don't venture very far. I know how very hard going on with your life is, but for your own sake you must.

I am sorry the tunnel is getting hotter and darker but you are still in the process of falling apart and you need to do this in order to eventually get yourself together again.


Please don't hurt yourself


Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

No I haven't contacted the Samaritans as I am waiting to hear back from Cruse, so see what happens there.

No my Dr doesn't know about the self harming, but I see him soon so I will tell him. I am probably doing it as I am angry with things especially with mum getting Alzheimer's, I know it wasn't her fault she got it but I wonder why she did, she was active, ate healthily, did a lot for others, so why her? I will try and get my feelings out and stop harming myself, I spoke to mums CPN and all I did was cry my eyes out!

I only go out if I have to, there really isn't anywhere to go here, I don't drive so that doesn't help. I don't have any friends here either, so can't exactly nip out for coffee if I wanted to (which I don't).

I like the cat but I am unsure as to exactly what she wants, she is a nervous cat and has a loud meow when she is wandering around or sitting on the window wanting something, but eating she is purring away very happy. After she has had some food she wanders around the living room as though she has never been in it before, recently she just doesn't seem to want to settle and if I try and put her out she growls at me! I think the cat does know something is wrong and that I'm unhappy but has no idea why, also she isn't your typical pick up and cuddle cat either, she will let you stroke her even her stomach and I can pick her up but that's it.

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

I have spent many hours asking myself why did my mum get this cruel illness but have never found an answer and yes, it does make you angry. I had to find ways to vent my anger and so do you but not by harming yourself. It is good if you can have a cry it helps release emotions. I haven't forgotten how I felt four months after my mum died and it was probably much the same as you, your world has collapsed, your heart is broken and your head is all over the place, don't expect to feel too good, I felt dreadful and did not think I could go on, but I did.

Do you know how old the cat is, cats sometimes meow loudly when they are going deaf, my elderly cat used to. When you said she growls at you when you try and put her out I think she may have decided that she prefers your home to the one with fourteen cats and children. My rescue cat does not like being picked up, my nickname for her is "miss snooty pants". I have to do things very much on her terms!

I hope you can get some counselling, you need to share your grief with someone who can listen to you, it is too much to try and cope with on your own. It is different for us as we don't have other distractions, such as children to look after or husbands or brothers and sisters so we have nothing else to think about but our grief and our loss. I knew that I had to try and make some sort of a life for myself, I don't get so depressed anymore but do feel very sad a lot of the time. I miss my mum every minute of every hour of every day as I know you do your mum.

Are you managing to eat something and hopefully getting some sleep, you must look after yourself now.

How is your mum's friend, is she better and do you see her very much?

Take care

Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

I'm crying on a daily basis so no problem there, anything seems to set me off. I really don't know why I started harming myself, maybe things are getting to me, maybe its a coping mechanism I have no idea but I'm hoping my Dr does.
Your description of how you felt after 4 months is spot on, at the moment I don't know what to do as my world has collapsed, my heart is definitely broken and will ever be mended, how I will manage to go on is tricky at the moment as I have no idea?

I think the cat is a youngster but can't be sure for certain, I saw one of the other cats the lady has a black and white one meowing away and it doesn't look an old cat either. She first growled at me one night I tried to put her out after she had been asleep on mums chair, it was getting late and as I said I didn't know if she would stay there if I had left her and went to bed, the other day when she did it again I think she was wanting into the living room but I had the door shut!

I got a couple of leaflets from Cruse through the post, just reading them set the tears off goodness knows what I'll be like in front of a counsellor, well that's not really true I'll be in tears as soon as I mention mum.
I do miss mum every second, minute, hour, etc., its like having an empty void where she used to be and knowing what to do is difficult, yes I talk to mum and dad but its not the same as having a proper conversation where they will answer me.

Sleep is still difficult due to the heat and with my back problems, as for eating something, well yes I am eating something but probably the wrong stuff, i.e. sweet things, its comfort eating.

Mums friend says she is better but I'm not sure, she is very good at bending the truth a bit, I see her a couple of times a week sometimes more, I do her shopping and she knows to give me a call if she needs me.

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

It's good if you can cry and as I have said you are not alone in feeling the way you do. Have you thought of just phoning Samaritans and talking to someone, you may find it helpful, there's no harm in trying. You will find ways to go on, don't be in any hurry, just do what you can and don't worry too much about the future, just take small steps if you can. I used to feel so lost and think to myself what am I doing, where am I going and then sit down and fall asleep! As time went on I started to contact people I knew who I had lost touch with, even though I have my own laptop I go into the library where I live and use theirs, I see other people and talk to them, I'm quite outgoing and don't find it difficult to talk to other people and I knew that I had to make myself do things even though it was a real effort.

The emptiness and void my mum's dying has left will never go away, I know this and accept it, it's like there is an empty space in my life, a big hole but I can never fill it so that's that.

Do you think the cat may become a resident full time in your home?

I'm glad you still see your mum's friend, do you talk to her much about your mum, I think you said before she did not seem to want to, maybe it is too upsetting for her.

It has been very hot where I live and I wish it would get a bit cooler, I like the sun but not the heat. I thought to myself I hope its not this hot where you are because I know you said you did not like it too hot either and tunnel's get very hot. As I have said before, give yourself time, it won't always be like this but I would try and phone the Samaritans for a chat and see how you feel. I hope you will not do anything to injure yourself.

Be kind to yourself


Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

I might do just that only thing is I'm just using a mobile just now so an 0845 number will be expensive as its not covered in my contract, and I don't want to use a pay phone as I will be crying my eyes out and people will think that's so weird.
I try and tell myself I need to do this or that, but it doesn't seem to work out that way with nothing being done, its like I have to force myself to do things which I never had to do before.
Talking to others wasn't a problem before, now it's as though I have become quite shy more so than I was before. As I mentioned before I tend to go out early so I don't bump into too many people, if I do get stopped I try not to hang around too long or make an excuse I have to be somewhere and I'm running late, if not I know they will ask how I am and then the tears will start so its best to try and avoid the situation in the first place.

I have the exact same hole and like you it will never be filled, just trying to figure out how to deal with it on a daily basis is a problem.

I'm not sure if the cat would like to be at my place permanently, I know it sits on my windowsill and if it doesn't get in it wanders back to its own place, then back to mine it does this a few times probably trying to see who feeds it first, either that or it eats at its own place but doesn't care much for the food so comes to me?

I do mention mum now and again when I'm round at mums friends place, only thing is I don't like to do it too much as the lady is older than mum and is probably thinking of her own mortality at the moment, so don't really want to over do it.

Well its supposed to be warm and sunny here but its not, at least its not raining yet! The forecasters are getting the forecast wrong, I'm sure they just sit in an office and guess what the next few days will be. I would like a few days of warmth so the veg I planted in the garden will grow, still have more stuff to plant!

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

If you don't have a landline calling 0845 numbers I know can be very expensive and will use up all your credit. Is there a phone box near you that is tucked away a bit so you could call from it?

I expect your confidence has taken a "knock" because of I suspect of the illness and your mum's passing, and the fact that you have just gone through hell, but if you are naturally shy then that's the way you are, don't worry about it. If anyone you know does stop you and ask you how you are and you feel like crying or break down you may find they are more understanding than you think, most people have had some sort of tragedy in their lives and may be more sympathetic than you would expect them to be.

I have learned to live with the "void" I can't change this, I have to accept it.

Don't think that you have no purpose, you do, its furry and has four paws! I don't think she is just coming to you for food. She may not want to go in the bed you bought for her because its too hot, my cat won't go in hers at the moment.

If you can get out in the garden and do some work I would think this may help, I always find gardening very therapeutic, something to do with being close to the earth.

When you see your doctor I should tell him about self harming, he will know more about this and be able to help you more than I can, I think it is a form of anger and another way grief manifests itself. Do you feel really bad every day or are some days not as painful? I know you are in a bad place, I have been there, how long you will be there only time will tell. I hope for your sake its not too long. I went from a bad place to a not much better place and then to a place that did not seem so hopeless. It is a long and bumpy road you are on, I hope you find the strength to go on to a nicer place eventually.

Take care and don't give up on yourself.


Lexy